dazeddandconfused Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 I'd really love some insight on how to stop being clingy in a relationship, as it's something I really struggle with. My boyfriend and I are long distance and have been for 2 years. We broke up once in between, due to the fact that I was being overly clingy and he was extremely overwhelmed. It was a hasty, emotional decision and we got back together soon after. He's so great and I love him more than words can describe, but we differentiate in our attachments to our phones. We're both teenagers (older teenagers through) so of course we use our phones pretty often, but I always have mine on me while he doesn't. I wouldn't say I have necessarily trust issues, because I'm definitely not worried about him going off with some other for or something, it's more like I'm worried he doesn't want to talk to me or something. If he doesn't text or call for a full day (without me initiating a conversation) I get worried/upset, and it'll consume a lot of my thoughts for the day. I know that it's not healthy to be dependent on someone, and that he of course needs his space as well. Sometimes I feel like he's a bit inconsistent, one week he'll text and call on a consistent basis and the next I'll have to initiate 75% of the conversations. I've discussed this with him and he just said he needs time away from his phone, and that sometimes he just wants to relax with friends or by himself and leave his phone downstairs or something. As a result, sometimes I'll get upset/clingy and act a little off when he finally does call or text me. I think a lot of it comes from the fact that I would have no problem talking to him all the time and so I get a little frustrated that it's not really the same for him. I also worry that because he's not talking to me, he doesn't love me or something (although realistically I know that he loves me). I know this isn't normal. He told me it's the one thing that bothers him about me, but told me not to worry (I asked him to be honest with me about it). So I'm just wondering, how do I stop being like this with wanting to talk to him a lot and getting worried if we don't? It's not a bad thing if he doesn't text/call for a day is it?
bummer Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 We're both teenagers (older teenagers through) so of course we use our phones pretty often, but I always have mine on me while he doesn't. Honestly? There is no teenage romance worth being long-distance for. I do not mean to diminish your emotions or relationship entirely, but I doubt you'll gain much sympathy here. If you aren't getting what you need from it, end it. He'll run back and say he'll change if he wants, but i have my doubts about older teenage boy maturity. You should try learning to be happy by yourself with your own thoughts. Then try dating more and more locally. Then you'll know if you have a problem. Then you'll know what's normal with texting. Just explore the world around you. 3
Buddhist Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 (edited) I'd really love some insight on how to stop being clingy in a relationship, as it's something I really struggle with. Okay, no problem. it's more like I'm worried he doesn't want to talk to me or something. If he doesn't text or call for a full day (without me initiating a conversation) I get worried/upset, and it'll consume a lot of my thoughts for the day. So purely form a psychological point of view what this is, is an anxious habit of your brain. That's all it is. You have a predisposition towards anxiety. Anxiety isn't a mental illness it's a bored brain. The simple fact is your brain has more capacity than you are making use of so it amuses itself by making you anxious. Because it's a habit, it means you can also change it. Like all habits what you have to do is disrupt it when it's in progress. Carrying your phone with you everywhere is what's called a safety behaviour. You are using your phone as a crutch to calm this anxious habit. You're only a teenager now so this seems normal and fine. But if you don't break this habit sometime later in life you will gradually start doing more and more things to feed the habit and before you know it, you'll have a Dr telling you to take pills and such because it's taken over your life. Fixing it is simple, especially in your case because you haven't yet created a bunch of phobia's around it. Here's what you do. The anxious habit works like this. - Your brain latches onto some tiny thought like, He's losing interest. Often this thought arises because your brain is [unknown to you] keeping track of the amount of time between texts. It uses that as a trigger for the fearful thought. - Your brain then focuses intensely on this thought, until you get physical symptoms. Things like feeling edgy (thats adrenalin being pumped into your body). Your thoughts start to race and like a snowball create more and more fearful thoughts. You might be an elevated heart rate, feel a bit hot and can't sit still. These are unpleasant physical sensations that you now want to avoid because they feel unpleasant. - You get a sense of urgency seemingly out of nowhere and then that is accompanied by the thought...I have to do something about this. - You then seek reassurance that your fears are not real. They are not, the whole thing is your brain imploding in on itself with thought. Because you haven't given it enough to do and it's playing games. - If you end up in tears over this, that is your body trying to release the stress hormones now flooding your body. As a result, sometimes I'll get upset/clingy and act a little off when he finally does call or text me. I think a lot of it comes from the fact that I would have no problem talking to him all the time and so I get a little frustrated that it's not really the same for him. I also worry that because he's not talking to me, he doesn't love me or something (although realistically I know that he loves me). I know this isn't normal. He told me it's the one thing that bothers him about me, but told me not to worry (I asked him to be honest with me about it). And all of that is exactly how anxiety works. One fearful thought latches onto another and then it's pulling circumstances out of the air in order to justify the thought. You think it's because of what's happening outside of you. It isn't. All of this is your brain having a field day because it hasn't got enough to do. Over time if you don't put an end to this habit and keep seeking reassurance it will get bigger and bigger and start giving you this same experience with a wider range of things. Here's how you fix it. - Leave your phone at home for longer and longer periods of time when you go out. When you have a safety behaviour you have to give up using it as a crutch, it's feeding anxiety not resolving it. If you don't have your phone on you then your brain can't keep track of how long it's been between texts and start triggering you. - When you get that first anxious thought, why hasn't he texted me yet. Say in your head. Bored brain. That's your cue to now focus more intently on what you are presently doing. If you are out with friends then you put all your focus on the conversation, on the activity you are performing and really immerse yourself in that experience instead. This focuses your attention off your thoughts and out into your environment. It gives that bored brain something to do. If you are at home doing something passive like watching TV then you need to go and do something that uses your brain. It's bored. - That will shut down the panic that is rising in you. If you have to do this a few times before it stops thats what you have to do. - Rinse and repeat as often as necessary until your brain stops triggering you. It will take a while. - If you do get to a state where you feel edgy and worked up realise that now your have stress hormones in your body. You have to get rid of them otherwise they will feed your anxiety because they feel bad physically. The best way to do that is get up and go for a quick, fast walk. Don't run or do anything major. Just pop some shoes on and go for a fast walk around the block a few times. Doing something physical is the only real way to get rid of those chemicals that make you feel edgy. - At the end of that you will feel suddenly calm and not have that urge to seek reassurance. The more reassurance you seek, the worse this habit will get because you are teaching your brain that triggering you has a reward. Like all habits the more you practice it, the stronger it grows. You have to start starving the habit by not engaging in the behaviours. Edited June 22, 2016 by Buddhist 1
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 ^^ That is a wise response... Read it and reread it and do what Buddhist says... It's not uncommon to have doubts and fears, but you need to learn to manage your anxiety or it will manage you. Go out with friends, do things you enjoy, have fun such that you don't have time to obsess... But, there will always be quiet moments when you are alone and your brain will start to wander... Learn to control this behavior, and it will help you so much in all aspects of your life!
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