Breakup after 2 year "pause"

[biggyk]

This is kind of weird situation and its best I mention must of the situation I can. I apologize for it being long.

 

I was dating my ex gf for a year. It was a long distance relationship, about an hour apart. It was my first serious relationship. I fell for this girl hard and everything seemed to be going well. Then one day she sent me a text saying that shes going through a lot and needs a break. I remember her using the word "pause". I didn't want to over panic so I let her be for a week and called her. I asked her if there is anything we can do, I want to be there for you. She said I just dont know what I want right now. I swallowed my emotion, and said ok I understand.

 

I had no choice but to carry on with my life it was tough but somehow I managed. I wanted to move out my city so bad. Work was a constant stress, I had been dealing with extreme anxiety but that the time did not deal with it and it caused me to get angry quickly.

 

During those two years we had minimal contact. Simple how are you?, Happy Birthday ect. I didn't want to push anything. I had lots of time to think and reflect about what we had. Part of me was hoping she would get in touch with me. I was just so confused about the entire situation but learned over time to turn it off.

 

I live with my mother and I received the news that we would be moving which luckily was much closer to her. I did let her know and she seemed happy for me. So fast forward to the beginning of May we moved into our new house and got settled. I decided to contact her to let her know I was up here now and find out how she was doing?

 

Thats when she dropped the bomb. She recently started seeing an old friend and they already live together. At the time I acted like it was no big deal. She was very friendly and outgoing in the conversation and even told me that I have her number if I want to chat anytime. I think she assumed I was well over everything.

 

She still had my moms suitcase that she never returned from a trip we took together so I asked her to meet for a coffee and grab it off her. She agreed, and we had a friendly chat, even though I was hurting inside. I decided to give her a hand written letter with things I wanted to get off my chest, but it also mentioned that I still have deep feelings for her after all this time.

 

I expected to hear from her to be honest. I was starting to get really emotional,and depressed. Iv been having a number of things in my life and this was the trigger. Im in a new area, no friends, no job at the moment and now im coming to realize its probably completely over with her. I decided to start seeing a therapist so I could talk to someone other than family.

 

It was decided that I should call her to set a meeting to talk to her, let her know everything thats on my mind and get an answer. I told her I have a lot going on and really need this for ME. She said ok and set a time for later on in the week. I cried alot during this time expecting the worst and didn't know how to handle it. I messaged her asking where a good place to meet would be.

 

Thats when she told me that she had meaning to call me for a few days as she was still processing the letter. She told me that she could not meet me face to face. Her anxiety would lead to panic attack and just cannot deal with and shes so sorry. She said one thing you should know is back then she was really depressed, and felt she didnt want to live. She felt she did not want to drag me through the hell she had been feeling. She kept apologizing and said I do care about you, but not the way I once did. Im not the same girl you used to know. I was shocked and went into a complete meltdown. I asked her to at least call. She finally did the next day.

 

I told her I was disappointed in her decisions that I really needed for me for some type of closure and mentioned all the things going on with me. She said she has no clue and really didnt want it to end this way. I really didn't have much to say. I told her I would send her a closure letter and then I would not bother her anymore. At this point I started to cry.

 

I did send her the letter. It wasn't the original type of letter I wanted to send but it basically told her I was so confused. Nothing makes sense, nothing adds up. I feel abandoned. You wont communicate with me but you seem so open and honest with your boyfriend about meeting with me.

 

She replied, which I didn't expect her too. She said it was selfish of her to worry about herself. Apologized for what im going through and leaving me hanging. It wasn't easy for her to talk about what she was going through. Told me if I thought she didnt care and respect what we had that sadly mistaken. I know sorry probably doesn't matter at this point but I am. I asked her why she never talked to me instead went into a new relationship? She said she didnt plan it, it sort of just happened. We dated for a short time before I met you. All I said was I wish you the best and ended the conversation. So basically, but breakup just started while she has already moved on.

 

Iv gone into major depression and agony. Been 1 and half now. Good thing I started therapy earlier. She recommenced I go to a doctor which I couldn't find one so I went to the hospital and they put me on Fluoxetine(prozac) Mornings are absolutely horrible and I constantly feel alone. I almost regret being up here. Shame on me I guess for assuming she would be still be single, she meant so much for me. Im still having trouble going on with life. Feel worthless. I also do feel so guilty for it ending the way it did and I might send her a letter when the time is right telling her how much I love her for the time we shared and what she taught me about myself. Im just not there yet. It hard not to blame myself for some of my behavior I feel helped push her away. My anxiety for example.

 

Thank you for reading. I really needed to vent again.

Edited June 22, 2016 by biggyk

[bummer]

Hey, sorry to hear it didn't pan out as you wished. I am sorry you're not feeling great.

 

I'm sure you've read plenty on LS about remaining in love with the ideal and the memory of an ex rather than accepting the real ex as they are today. I hope you can find space in your mind to process this and see everything as a means to move you forward to a better place from this.

 

Take your time to grieve and release your thoughts here. Letters for her go here. Thoughts of contacting her should go here. I'm sure you've heard of NC. I hope you can find its value in your situation. Good luck finding work and moving on from your ex.

[biggyk]

Yes I have been reading a bit and will continue to do so. Its really tough for me to accept. While I have better days, today I seem much worse thus I had to make a post.

 

I cant help to this that NC the first time is what got me into this mess. As if she wanted me to chase her. He was around an available and I was still an hour away in the beginning. I did write the letter in a journal to try to make me feel better but feel its not true until I completely let go which seems impossible.

[PegNosePete]

She recently started seeing an old friend

Saw that one coming a mile off.

Yeah you know what it means when a woman tells you she "doesn't know what she wants", "needs time to clear her head", "going through a lot", blah blah blah. It all means the same. It means there's another car on the grid and you're not in pole position.

 

I cant help to this that NC the first time is what got me into this mess.

No, what got you into this "mess" is her going off with some other dude, giving you excuses to try to put you on the back burner, and you trying to be "friends with the ex".

 

NC will make things better for you, and get you through this.

[biggyk]

She only started seeing him like 6 months ago. I believe her when she says it was just recent and she had no plans for it. He contacted her when he was going through some tough stuff and it just flourished. I mean I kind of understand, 2 years is a long time for a break.

[bummer]

It's hard to believe but if she left you and initiated this break, she did so after considering the consequences possibly for a long time before she did it.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you.

 

That truth penetrates any false hopes or whatifs I dream up. Your first NC should have continued. She moved on well before that. It sucks to hear but read more and I think you'll see the truth. Begging pleading or trying once she broke up with you is futile. I know. I did it.

 

Get angry. Feel sad. Grieve hard. Take each day as a blessing to strengthen your bond with your self. Read things from TaraMaiden and Satu. Their wisdom will pull you through this. Keep writing here.

 

NC helps you let go. That's the magic. Someone wise on here wrote whatever you focus on you are getting better at it. So if you're fixated on the loss of this girl, you will reinforce those thoughts and make it harder.

[Giggles666]

Sorry to hear. I agree with others when they say NC. No contact did not get you into this she did not want you to chase her. To be honest some men and women will make excuses rather than be honest. It's easier on them and some people think it makes things easier for everyone. Usually it does not. I feel for you, wish you luck and encourage no contact and focusing on yourself.

[Toodaloo]

The pause wasn't a pause. It was the end. She just thought it kinder to just leave it and hope that you move on on your own...

 

As we can all see its not.

 

Time to let go and see it for what it was back then.

 

Hurts when people are not honest doesn't it...

 

Suggest you go out and make a life for yourself now instead of waiting for her.

[PegNosePete]

She only started seeing him like 6 months ago.

If you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

Even if it is true, I would bet my bottom dollar that there was some other guy at the time she said all those phrases, which by the way are on page 1 of the cheater's handbook. Every single cheater ever, says them.

 

But really it doesn't matter now. It's over, that's all there is to it. Time to NC her and move on.

[Giggles666]

Not sure if this will make you feel any better Biggyk or help you realize you were fed a line which makes you regret not chasing her. I had a good friend of 20 years who I then dated feed me a line. She was saying nothing but nice things, seemed she was into me and excited. Things took a sudden turn one night, she told me she was overwhelmed and depressed by sudden I mean an hour before she was texting me all lovey stuff. I was baffled for weeks, every other day she was either missing me or overwhelmed. Turns out she was not honest with me, she lied to me she met someone else. What people often do is use depression or stress or some other excuse you can not question to "let you down easy" and be done with any feelings. Often times it's an excuse to not be honest.

 

Though not always intentional it's very cowardly and selfish, it's also not the easy way out its sad really. It's hard to move on, it is but you have to. You don't realize it right now but you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is like that. I lost what I always thought was a good friend of 20 years for what turned out to be a two night stand and cowardly dishonesty. No contact works, you'll move on and you'll be ok. You just need to grieve finally and not even talk with her. Do what you're doing with therapy and be patient, better things will come down the road. You're doing NC and therapy is building up to that. You deserve better and if you do love her you might need to realize you're not meant to be.

 

The closure you wanted with a talk with her does not exist anywhere but within you. Best of luck, you'll be OK with time.

[biggyk]

Day by day is what I keep telling myself. Mornings are pretty terrible still as it's a reality check when I first wake up. Just keeping positive and trying not over think things.

[Giggles666]

I hear you there. One day at a time is a good attitude to have though.

[biggyk]

I do have my low moments start to over analyze things which is my anxiety talking and I feel is a setback. At 28 years old this is pretty much my first time going through this.

[Giggles666]

Learn from it. I also suffer from anxiety and analyze everything lol. I'm 42 and have learned that the best we can do is learn from these experiences. You'll have good times and bad times come and go, but learning is growing and growing is life. Some things we can not control so I've learned to worry about what I can control. I'm also still dealing, I met my friend when I was 21 and she was your age we had a lot of history, it sucks but I can't control what happened and still have some rough mornings and analyze what happened. Lol I have hobbies and they help, too many hobbies. I've seen her recently and she was not too nice to me, she does not know I know she cheated and lied to me. I simply said hi and told her I'm sorry you think I ruined a friendship. I'm in love with her but know it's bad for me and bad to be plan B. Other than that I have had no contact and avoided having a talk with her....trust me I want to tell her I know she cheated and was dishonest, and that no contact has made her dislike me. I want to be liked even as a friend, we were close since I was 21. But it's also freeing to stay the course and sometimes realize relationships whether friendships or intimacies run their course. You'll be better prepared for the next girl, whoever that may be and with wisdom and experience under your belt. You sound like a good dude, I truly do wish you the best.

 

Control what you can, learn from what you can not, stay busy and easier said than done....try to understand your anxiety. You're on the right track, at your age I dealt by getting annihilated lol, I wasted an experience if not many to learn from.

Edited June 22, 2016 by Giggles666