dpass Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 We've been dating for 5 months. We've known each other for 10 years but I have never met her family. Here's the situation. Her parents don't know that I'm her ex's (5 year relationship, child shared from that relationship, broke up 6 years ago) best friend. All she has told her (very traditional and believe you don't take another mans woman) parents is that I know her ex and we're friendly. This event is a family reunion for her ex's side of the family, but her immediate family is going as well and she wants me to go. She said she wants me to meet her family, she hates her ex and his family seeing her alone (he's married with other kids and she just wants me there. I know her ex's family very well, seeing as he has been my best friend for 15 years. They know that I'm dating her, but are not totally happy about it. Her ex's parents find it very weird and inappropriate. So the issues. Should I ask her to tell her parents ahead of time that I'm best friends with her ex so there are no surprises? People will talk. Is it even appropriate or a good idea for me to go? I do tend to have a hard time balancing being her BF and her ex's friend when we are all together.
bummer Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 Wow. Tight knit circle you have there. If she can't bother to be alone at this thing she should tell her parents. Otherwise you should decline this strange fest and hangout with nonmutual friends.
scooby-philly Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 Sorry OP - got to be somewhat rude and forward on this reply This is not the time to meet her family. From what you've described it sounds like she's simply using you as a way to prove to her ex and/or his family that she's "good enough". While I know family's are never "rosey" - most people try and put a good face on the first time they meet someone so it's completely weird for her to as you to meet them for the first time in a situation where they, she, and possilby others may not be nice. Even if she was on perfect terms with her ex - why do you you meet her family at that party? Also - why are they even going to that party? Does she have kids with him? If so, that's the only reason...... please explain that one.... But bottom line - that should not be the first time you meet her family. Period. That's her either using your relationship as a way to get back at her ex or its a way for her to try and keep her family from doing/saying bad stuff since her ex is your best friend...... Either way - it's not being done out of love 1
Versacehottie Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 Actually I agree with scooby. If she really wants you to make a good impression on her parents (which she should care about), putting you all in this pressure cooker situation is not the right thing to do. Sounds like the main thing she cares about is not looking foolish or like she can't get a man herself. It sounds like it could be the time for you to meet her parents but that is neither the time or place. Do it elsewhere on better terms and conditions. It would be pretty selfish for her to put you in that position and very short-sighted as if it doesn't go over well (and odds would be stacked against it going well) then you would have a lot to repair from a misstep that was not of your own doing. Be the mature one and insist you meet them under different conditions (if at all yet) and skip the party.
Author dpass Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 Sorry OP - got to be somewhat rude and forward on this reply Actually I agree with scooby. I think you are both right. It's not the time or place. (And yes, they have 1 child together which is the only reason they she is going. They are friendly, but wouldn't be friends if they didn't have a child. Their families get along and that is why her family is going as well.) On one hand.... I feel bad. Her family and her ex's family both make really rude and hurtful comments to her about why she hasn't found someone else. Then she ends up really upset, usually in front of her son who is old enough to figure things out and starts asking questions. Like why he has a whole family with dad and not at moms house too. Her and her ex broke up 6 years ago, she had no relationships between him and me and didn't bring anyone home (tried dating around). Meanwhile, he is married with more kids. Saying "I am dating someone but he's not here" doesn't hold up well. Now her ex's family makes comments that she can't find someone on her own so she has to take her ex's friends. I'd like to be there to support her and maybe make it a little easier on her. I don't want her to think I'm not serious about her. But on the other hand.... It's a disaster waiting to happen. If they aren't making rude comments to her they will be making them to me (and probably her). That will give her family a negative first impression and might cause tension between her ex/my friend and I. I don't want to set it up for her family to hate me.
Versacehottie Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 I think you are both right. It's not the time or place. (And yes, they have 1 child together which is the only reason they she is going. They are friendly, but wouldn't be friends if they didn't have a child. Their families get along and that is why her family is going as well.) On one hand.... I feel bad. Her family and her ex's family both make really rude and hurtful comments to her about why she hasn't found someone else. Then she ends up really upset, usually in front of her son who is old enough to figure things out and starts asking questions. Like why he has a whole family with dad and not at moms house too. Her and her ex broke up 6 years ago, she had no relationships between him and me and didn't bring anyone home (tried dating around). Meanwhile, he is married with more kids. Saying "I am dating someone but he's not here" doesn't hold up well. Now her ex's family makes comments that she can't find someone on her own so she has to take her ex's friends. I'd like to be there to support her and maybe make it a little easier on her. I don't want her to think I'm not serious about her. But on the other hand.... It's a disaster waiting to happen. If they aren't making rude comments to her they will be making them to me (and probably her). That will give her family a negative first impression and might cause tension between her ex/my friend and I. I don't want to set it up for her family to hate me. I think you have the big picture in mind and she doesn't. Only her ego. If she wants to be at those sorts of parties in a year from now with you and you guys in a solid relationship that the family she loves is happy about, then there are better ways to intragrate you into the family. ok i can't spell intergrate but hoppefully you get it, lol. The best way is the one that will give you the best chance of being accepted by them, the quickest. Not to be the source of gossip or a crutch for her to lean on. That in itself is shocking to them and antagonistic. That's likely how they will see it. She has to rise above. The truth is behind the scenes, she has you. It sounds serious; you obviously care about her a lot. If I had my own little secret like that, it would not matter how they were acting. You have to get through to her on this. So i take this to mean you haven't met her son yet? Well that seems more important than her using you as a crutch to get through a family get-together so she doesn't feel insecure. If she wants to show YOU that she is serious about you, maybe she should start there (meeting her son). 1
Author dpass Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 So i take this to mean you haven't met her son yet? Well that seems more important than her using you as a crutch to get through a family get-together so she doesn't feel insecure. If she wants to show YOU that she is serious about you, maybe she should start there (meeting her son). I have met her son. I know him well, have since he was born (he's 7). But he doesn't know that we're dating. He knows I'm very good friends with his dad. I do feel like she is serious. Up until recently I felt like she was a lot more interested and into me than I was her. Now I think we are equally as interested and serious. However she thinks that I'm not as sure about us as she is because of some other issues (sex) and she's been overcompensating to try and "make up for it". I think for her it's more to just get it all out of the way. I meet her family, her ex's family sees us together and gets whatever they want to saw out, friends see us together. Just getting it all out in one big bang. Maybe she thinks people won't be as openly rude because her son will be there. But I don't want to start off our "public relationship" with a **** fest. I told her this morning that I don't think it's a good idea for me to go and I will meet her family at another time when she wants to. She said she understands why but was really hoping I'd be there to support her and feels more confident that I'm not as interested or losing interest. (Basically she was raped as a teenager, dated her ex for 5 years they took years to have sex when they did it wasn't great, she had their baby and sex got worse, he ended up dumping her and sex was a big reason why. They have been broken up for 6 years, she tried dating but wouldn't have sex or any other intimacy quick enough and men would run. Making her believe even more that good sex is the most important thing, always wins over everything else and she's worthless without it. We got together and after 5 months had sex, hasn't been great and now she thinks I'm unsure (I'll admit, I am a bit) and will leave as well.)
Versacehottie Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 I think you can reassure her in other ways about the stability of your relationship without throwing yourself on the sword at the expense of adding yet another pressure onto the relationship with family drama. You should do that privately or separate from the party and the dumb idea of going there as a new couple. It makes sense that you have met the son as you've explained it. I should have figured that out. But it would be a pressure cooker and awkward for him to have this all play out at the family party too. Her first priority should be to have him get used to the idea that you are her new bf. She should be worrying about his comfort for this, not her own. I can see some selfish issues with this woman. Granted she must have been in a tough position all these years that have take a toll on her self-esteem, but if she is not mature enough to this of appropriate solutions and it involves you, then please stand up for yourself, the relationship and the "right" thing. Actually, in a way I also think she wants to take the relationship public so that you will feel like more committed and official to her, like you "can't back out now". IMO, that's just a bandaid and would make more trouble and be more humiliating down the line if you don't work out. As you said there are some real issues regarding sex that need to be worked on. Sounds like they eventually, if they are not already, become make or break. Dragging you to a party is not going to make everything "more" cemented if those things exist. If i hear your undertone correctly, you are giving it your all and do genuinely care a lot about her BUT perhaps can't see forever with her if these issues aren't resolved. Anyway, I think it makes sense to deal with that right away too. You can still meet the family at the same time. If you want to give her assurance and not be in a pressure cooker/wrong environment, just suggest a dinner or something next week with the immediate family. IMO, she should sort out letting her son know first and before that. You guys don't have anything to prove to the ex and ex's side of the family though. And don't let her drag you into that. I do think that is partially what is going on. Ego issues on part of your gf.
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