She's too sensitive, or I need to stop the jokes?

[Coollaxer]

So me and my girlfriend are always happy for the most part BUT. I feel like I need to walk on egg shells when ever I talk to her. For example we were sitting up on the couch and she wanted me to sit so that she can put her legs over my miine while she laid down. ( which I had no problem with ) but I said I wanted to lay down and she just said to sit like that. ( and this isn't like she's being a **** telling me to sit a certain way. I'm not really sure how to explain how the situation went but it was not Anyrbing like being mean toward one an other judt to clarify.) so I insisted I wanted to lay down and I was jokingly saying( even in a soft joking voice.) "you're just being selfishhhh" and immidietley she said that hurt her feelings and she is sick of the stupid jokes ( jokes like that ) and that they hurt her feelings. Am I just being an ass or is she just way too dramatic and takes things too personally..

Edited June 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Blanco]

I decided a long time ago that I can't be in a relationship where there isn't a little playful back and forth. Being one half of one of those couples that tries to cosplay a 1950s sitcom couple is my idea of hell.

 

As for your situation, you need to ask yourself if you can handle this getting worse. Because it will. She sounds a tad... thin-skinned? Tone and inflection is certainly key when engaging in some playful ribbing. But in my experiences, some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves, and so benign jabs such as the one you described become catalysts for big dramatic arguments. No thanks.

[VeveCakes]

My question is, are the jokes Always negative or insulting? I know for myself I hate that. Once in a while fine but some people only know how to joke by being negative or name calling. To me calling someone selfish isn't funny, but like I said I'm sensitive and it also depends on the way the joke was said. Maybe your way of delivering the joke just isn't working for her.

[Buddhist]

Well to be honest that is less of a joke and more of a passive aggressive jibe if you really want to know.

[basil67]

Yeah, I see your comment as a jibe rather than a joke.

[RoseHeart]

I can be quite sensitive too and I'll be the first person to admit this. I'm working on it though and maybe that separates me from people are sensitive but don't know it/want to admit it. Tone is a very big part of what can set me (and maybe other sensitive people) completely off. If you can really with honesty say your tone wasn't angry or upsetting then it really is on her and she was being a bit over dramatic. I'd honestly not get upset if my boyfriend said that despite my sensitive nature. But the tone would have had to be right. You could very THINK you came across as soft spoken but it might in reality not have come off that way. If you know she is sensitive and is triggered easily then I suggest laying off any kind of insult type of joke - even if it's joke and you mean no harm with it.

[elaine567]

I don't think calling anyone selfish is a joke unless it was so ridiculous an accusation that there was only one way to take it and that is with humour.

 

- I have washed your car, mended the dishwasher and packed a lunch for you.

- OMG you are so selfish...

 

^^^That is a joke.

 

Here you meant what you said, you did think she was being selfish, only you framed it as a joke and that often doesn't go down too well, as it is a side swipe.

I am such a funny guy making "jokes", only I just called you selfish... not so funny.

[Coollaxer]

I did not mean it as I stated above. So is appreciate it if you didn't go and say that. But anyways now looking at it, it was a dumb joke and I'll have to try harder to stop them

[Gaeta]

I did not mean it as I stated above. So is appreciate it if you didn't go and say that. But anyways now looking at it, it was a dumb joke and I'll have to try harder to stop them

 

I am glad you will stop them.

 

To you they're funny, to her they're hurtful.

 

Stopping something that means nothing to you will make her happy. Seem a win-win situation.

[katiegrl]

I did not mean it as I stated above. So is appreciate it if you didn't go and say that. But anyways now looking at it, it was a dumb joke and I'll have to try harder to stop them

 

I know you said it as a joke, but did you *really* mean it as a joke?

 

I mean what would cause that (her being selfish) to even come into you head?

 

Think about it. *Do* you think she is a bit selfish?

 

Often times how we really feel are disguised as jokes, but they're really not, it is how we truly feel.

 

We phrase it as a joke to avoid a confrontation or argument.

[kendahke]

Give some more examples of times when she's said this...

 

As usual, it's not what was immediately done that pushed her, but a long line of behavior from you that she hasn't called you out on and this instance was what pushed her beyond her endurance.

 

It's like being mad that your partner left the top off the toothpaste and they melt down over it--the melt down isn't usually about that, it's about a much bigger issue that has been festering and growing over which they haven't called you to account yet.

[Larryville]

I’m going to recycle an oft repeated comment…

 

When someone takes the time and effort to post here about something that is seemingly a “small” issue, me personally I always first ask myself what else is going on, there is always something far deeper going on.

 

The question I have is instead of the “she is too sensitive” jab do you want or even care to clearly understand why she reacted the way she did?

 

Is she important enough to you to try that?

[katiegrl]

I’m going to recycle an oft repeated comment…

 

When someone takes the time and effort to post here about something that is seemingly a “small” issue, me personally I always first ask myself what else is going on, there is always something far deeper going on.

 

The question I have is instead of the “she is too sensitive” jab do you want or even care to clearly understand why she reacted the way she did?

 

Is she important enough to you to try that?

 

And understand why HE reacted that way too.... to her not wanting him to lie down. Or anything else she does that bugs him and he makes a *joke* about..

 

*Joking* about her being selfish, or anything else, could be a disguise for his true feelings lying beneath the surface..

 

When she does something that annoys him or bothers him, instead of being honest, he disguises it as a joke and expects her to *get it* while at the same time subliminally getting the message he finds her selfish.

 

It's passive aggressive on his part.

 

As for her, she is not. She told him it bothers her and to knock it off.

 

Good for her!

[VeveCakes]

I did not mean it as I stated above. So is appreciate it if you didn't go and say that. But anyways now looking at it, it was a dumb joke and I'll have to try harder to stop them

 

Probably a good idea, my ex husband always made "jokes" like this, it was one thing that just wore me down and made me think he was just a negative ass.

[Larryville]

Probably a good idea, my ex husband always made "jokes" like this, it was one thing that just wore me down and made me think he was just a negative ass.

Exactly why “RESPECT” is by far the most important element in any relationship, FAR more important than love. You just can’t have a relationship with someone who on a fundamental level does not respect you.

 

Before you do, before you speak, before you act, before you engage your significant other ask yourself is it simply a disrespectful act.

 

Growing up, had a friend Brian Bauer I played with in grade school. One time I remember when at his house eating lunch his mom forgot to cut the crust off his bread for a sandwich she made. He screamed at her, called her stupid… he was 8. I watched his dad one time admonish her one time for leaving a car door open, talked to her like she was a child. Disrespect is “learned” behavior.

 

I never talked back to my mom mostly because I respected my mom she was an awesome lady but honestly if I had yelled at my mom she would have punched me in the face.

 

I've never "joked" with any girl or woman I have ever been with, never called one out of her name, talked down to whatever.

 

As for her, she is not. She told him it bothers her and to knock it off.

 

Yes indeed, you teach people how to treat you.

[elaine567]

When verbal abuse is disguised as a joke it simply isn't funny. It may be a disparaging comment said with a laugh or a smile, but which actually feels more like an attack on our competencies, abilities or values, or it may be a sexist joke which we find offensive. If we verbalise that we don't think it was funny, we may then be discounted ("You don't know how to take a joke.") or our partner may get angry with us. Some abusers also purposely frighten or scare us and then laugh, as though it were funny when it was actually designed to give us a fright.

In social situations I was often the butt of his jokes, and some of them hurt. If I got upset he would make it look like I was the crazy one by loudly proclaiming that

he was only kidding and that I was being too sensitive

,

so

I taught myself to keep my mouth shut and brush it off whenever he said or did something that hurt.

(from

Sadie's Story

)

 

Verbal Abuse

I am not suggesting the OP is necessarily an abuser, but she did say "she is sick of the stupid jokes (jokes like that) and that they hurt her feelings."

I guess she sees it as a form of abuse as it is hurting her and she is telling him to stop doing it. He should listen.

[kendahke]

Exactly why “RESPECT” is by far the most important element in any relationship, FAR more important than love. You just can’t have a relationship with someone who on a fundamental level does not respect you.

 

Before you do, before you speak, before you act, before you engage your significant other ask yourself is it simply a disrespectful act.

 

Growing up, had a friend Brian Bauer I played with in grade school. One time I remember when at his house eating lunch his mom forgot to cut the crust off his bread for a sandwich she made. He screamed at her, called her stupid… he was 8. I watched his dad one time admonish her one time for leaving a car door open, talked to her like she was a child. Disrespect is “learned” behavior.

 

I never talked back to my mom mostly because I respected my mom she was an awesome lady but honestly if I had yelled at my mom she would have punched me in the face.

 

I've never "joked" with any girl or woman I have ever been with, never called one out of her name, talked down to whatever.

 

Yes indeed, you teach people how to treat you.

 

Preach!

 

This is so true. When contempt replaces respect, the relationship is over.

 

I wish I would have screamed at my mother and called her stupid at the age of 8 or even now. I'd be picking teeth up off the floor. And when dad came home and she told him what went down, round two would start. He would never have allowed anyone to lose their GD mind to the point where his wife was disrespected; and he didn't care who was doing it. No, in my home, that isht would never stand.