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Don't want divorce but don't want to live in CHARADE of a marriage; Forced Choice

NoChoiceDivorce

By NoChoiceDivorce
in Separation and Divorce

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NoChoiceDivorce New Member

NoChoiceDivorce

Posted
Posted

Husband has had repeated affairs. Most recent has been over 3 years and he can't let her go. I finally left 10 months ago. He still won't disconnect. Long story short I never WANTED divorce but I filed. My husband is almost a text book narcissist. I am in counseling for over a year and have been advised the marriage is NOT healthy and my H is TOXIC. Which realistically I see that. But why is it I still don't want to be divorced. I just feel I have no choice bc I don't WANT to stay in a marriage with no trust, no commitment, and lack of love...

 

How long does it take to accept reality? And can a person really rebuild and have a happy life?

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
But why is it I still don't want to be divorced.

 

Feels like we should be asking you this question. Why is it you don't want to divorce a serial cheater who's chosen the OW over you :confused:???

 

You'd have to admit, seems like he's sending you a pretty clear message...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
bummer Established Member

bummer

Posted
Posted

Maybe you stay for comfort, security, routine, cultural and social pressure, money?, he cooks well?, he's a good father?...

 

All good things take time and yes you can recover and yes someday you too can look back and wonder why you waited.

  • Like 3
Jersey born raised Established Member

Jersey born raised

Posted
Posted

Actually because of the feelings of responsibility and failure, despite the fact it is not. The "if only I had" runs though the mind, then "how could I not known" and the feeling by giving up makes one a failure.

 

I sat in a divorce support group and watch an attractive late twenties, MBA, outgoing woman (who loved karaoke nights) tear her self apart in the same situation.

 

And finally the realization I am a divorced woman,

  • Like 2
Angelica21 Established Member

Angelica21

Posted
Posted

Get the divorce. It will be very difficult. You'll feel sad, angry, desperate and devastated.

 

After the divorce, it will take you a somewhat long time to recover and feel normal again. It will be an emotional roller coaster.

 

Then, you'll begin to feel better, start to feel happy again, find peace of mind.

 

If you knew a woman your age who became widowed, would you say to that woman "Your life is over, you'll never be happy again, you'll never find a satisfying life as a single person, and you'll never find a second husband." Of course not!! So don't think those thoughts about yourself, either.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

If you read these forums, most people don't want divorce no matter what crap their marriage is. It's a mentality that blows my mind almost daily. If you get to the bottom of it, please enlighten me.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted (edited)

Just watch some Forensic Files episodes. You will see a bunch of married couples who would rather be part of murder than to divorce. Most of the time (like 98%) it's about money and comfort, but other times, it's a sick brainwashing. Its definitely not love like they claim it to be.

Edited by Popsicle
  • Like 1
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
If you read these forums, most people don't want divorce no matter what crap their marriage is. It's a mentality that blows my mind almost daily. If you get to the bottom of it, please enlighten me.

 

 

Kids play a big part....

 

In most of the bad marriages I know of, the one's with younger kids are more likely to hang in...Not too difficult to understand that....You only have one shot to raise kids, and while I wouldn't pass judgement on anyone, it's usually not that good for the emotional welfare of children to turn their lives upside down...Many "bad" marriages aren't necessarily the type where there are dinner plates being smashed against the walls, and endless arguments...More like apathy...

 

Plus, lets face it...

 

People fear the unknown...They know what they have and they have no idea what they may be getting into....For every one person that's happily divorced, there are an equal amount miserable...

 

I also found that divorce seems easier for people that have either little or nothing, or are very wealthy....For the people in the middle, it definitely seems very hard...they have a lot to lose and cant usually get near the lifestyle taking the same amount of money and creating two homes, two lives, etc...

 

.02

 

TFY

  • Like 2
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted

I also found that divorce seems easier for people that have either little or nothing, or are very wealthy....For the people in the middle, it definitely seems very hard...they have a lot to lose and cant usually get near the lifestyle taking the same amount of money and creating two homes, two lives, etc...

 

.02

 

TFY

 

I think you bring up some important points. To someone responding on a forum, divorce is an emotional concept - is he abusive? does he love you? is he faithful?

 

To the person actually going through divorce, it's a practical concept - where will I live? how will I pay for it? who will watch my kids?

 

The realities of separation often get overlooked...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Rockdad Established Member

Rockdad

Posted
Posted
Husband has had repeated affairs. Most recent has been over 3 years and he can't let her go. I finally left 10 months ago. He still won't disconnect. Long story short I never WANTED divorce but I filed. My husband is almost a text book narcissist. I am in counseling for over a year and have been advised the marriage is NOT healthy and my H is TOXIC. Which realistically I see that. But why is it I still don't want to be divorced. I just feel I have no choice bc I don't WANT to stay in a marriage with no trust, no commitment, and lack of love...

 

How long does it take to accept reality? And can a person really rebuild and have a happy life?

 

There is one thing to do with a Narcissist, You Run. You Run fast and far away from. Do not look back even if they make any attempt of reconciliation. Can you rebuild? Of Course! You have zero to lose except all the fore mentioned you posted and have very much to gain. You may very well may need continuing counseling to heal from being married to one of those type personalities.

 

My wife and I both survived through long term marriages with those types but it was awful to live like that. We both were crushed emotionally and mentally when we finally got out. We both rebuilt, got happy, got together and have been having a fantastic life since. Ironically our Ex's got together for a short time but 2 of those type in one relationship was literally laughable.

  • Like 3
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
Ironically our Ex's got together for a short time but 2 of those type in one relationship was literally laughable.

 

I always wondered if this ever happened. Was their relationship related to the divorces in some way :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

testmeasure Established Member

testmeasure

Posted
Posted
Husband has had repeated affairs. Most recent has been over 3 years and he can't let her go. I finally left 10 months ago. He still won't disconnect. Long story short I never WANTED divorce but I filed. My husband is almost a text book narcissist. I am in counseling for over a year and have been advised the marriage is NOT healthy and my H is TOXIC. Which realistically I see that. But why is it I still don't want to be divorced. I just feel I have no choice bc I don't WANT to stay in a marriage with no trust, no commitment, and lack of love...

 

How long does it take to accept reality? And can a person really rebuild and have a happy life?

 

Wow. This is a complicated and powerful question.

 

First, you're presenting some summary conclusions that represent large complicated things. A toxic narcissistic relationship is very complicated. That you've been in counseling for over a year and reached this conclusion over time makes it meaningful. Still, there are so many variables involved behind those blanket statements. A huge variety of nightmare scenarios are possible. Depending on the specifics of what you've experienced, vastly different advice is possible. Really. Seriously. I'll try to explain.

 

Narcissists give themselves a narrative to feel good about themselves. How true the narrative is, how much admiration (narcissistic supply) the get for it, and whether you or something else interferes with it results in vastly different experiences.

 

In my case, the narrative was largely true. I was a large part of the admiration for the grandiosity. Then there was a life change. Suddenly the narrative was false, my very role was contrary to the narrative.

 

In my case very specific life changes quickly took place that changed me from a regulating to dis-regulating.

 

I saw the full force of narcissistic rage. For almost a year. Over that time I felt certain things as being boiled like a frog, slowly so you don't realize it. I didn't know these concepts at the time. Since then I've read and come to understand there are ways it could happen even slower.

 

We had a child, so there were tactical considerations. My child was my first concern. One of my primary things was to defend the family for the sake of the child. That was used against me. Beyond some point, I could see what was happening was not in any of our interest. Yet if I made a single offensive move, I knew it would be repaid 10 fold to the determent of our child's interests. I couldn't just back up a U-Haul and go. That would be the perfect excuse for the most limited parenting plan.

 

I had to stick it out.

 

My worst fear was that she wouldn't actually do it. My worst fear was that she would NOT actually put an end to the chaos. If I had to, I thought it would be repaid 10 fold and upheld by the system.

 

After she filed, I defended all of what she did. I defended her actions to the counselor, the lawyer, and the court appointed investigator. Finally the court appointed investigator, said to me: "You're exhibiting some of the symptoms of an abuse victim." Yea, I was defending her, even then.

 

Everyone said you're thinking too much about her and what she would think. Stop that. I couldn't, but fortunately it helped me articulate it all in court filings.

 

Bottom line. There is an emotional gravity well. I've seen it.

 

Beyond some point, my worst fear was that my ex wouldn't make good on her threats and file for divorce. Then I'd have to do it and invoke the 10 fold wrath. I don't know what would have happened. Fortunately for me, she filed. If she hadn't I don't know if I could have done what the OP did. I'd have aspired to it.

 

All of this was more than a year ago. We have a young child together, so we're still a part of each other's lives. If I could only hint at the level of dysfunction in the last 48 hours without putting specifics on the internet, you would think it insane.

 

For some the nightmare is ongoing.

tinkerbell16 Established Member

tinkerbell16

Posted
Posted
Husband has had repeated affairs. Most recent has been over 3 years and he can't let her go. I finally left 10 months ago. He still won't disconnect. Long story short I never WANTED divorce but I filed. My husband is almost a text book narcissist. I am in counseling for over a year and have been advised the marriage is NOT healthy and my H is TOXIC. Which realistically I see that. But why is it I still don't want to be divorced. I just feel I have no choice bc I don't WANT to stay in a marriage with no trust, no commitment, and lack of love...

 

How long does it take to accept reality? And can a person really rebuild and have a happy life?

 

Being forced to divorce because of infidelity is one thing, being forced to divorce because you are living with a narcissist is a whole other issue. Narcissists will leave you with more wounds than you can imagine. Their twisted and manipulative behavior leaves their partners feeling exceptionally unworthy, incapable and unlovable. Do research on divorcing a narcissist to help you in this process. Best of luck to you hun, if you do the research and have the right tools your life is about to be the best you've ever known!

  • Like 1
Angelica21 Established Member

Angelica21

Posted
Posted
Just watch some Forensic Files episodes. You will see a bunch of married couples who would rather be part of murder than to divorce. Most of the time (like 98%) it's about money and comfort, but other times, it's a sick brainwashing. Its definitely not love like they claim it to be.

 

I've watched those type of TV shows and I totally agree: why would someone feel that murder is a better alternative than just getting a divorce??? Of course, I do know some of the answers to that question: total greed re: money they'll get if they murder the spouse, total arrogance that they won't get caught as a murderer, etc.

 

But if someone here is just looking for some comfort and encouragement that you'll get through a divorce okay and your life after divorce will be okay, then ponder that your life as a divorced person is going to be majorly better off than a person who is rotting in prison!!!

  • Like 1
Padme Member

Padme

Posted
Posted

I don't think anybody really WANTS to get divorced. It's never a fun thing. So try to focus on the fact that you NEED to get divorced. Do what you need to do for your well-being.

  • Like 1
jakrbbt Established Member

jakrbbt

Posted
Posted

Divorce is just the mechanism by which you no longer have to be in a bad, unhealthy relationship.

 

The unknown future sounds a lot worse than it'll be hour by hour, while you're going through it.

 

If he's awful to you, then divorce and even financial struggles and living alone is far far better. Even right away.

 

People who have been put through a lot often think they must protect themselves from more distress. That becomes a top priority. They avoid doing the obvious best thing, if the best thing carries short term distress. And the great secret is, that short term distress is never as bad as you imagine it will be when you're in protect-self mode.

 

Don't be tricked into thinking you can't handle it. It's not that bad. It's not as bad as dysfunctional relationship, and you've already been experiencing that.

 

If your h is narcissist then my advice is, don't be too concerned with "winning" or fairness or stopping him from winning. For you, getting out of there is a win. The only way he could keep a hold over you would be if you cared about what he "got" in the divorce.

 

Your mantra is: "Leaving is all I need."

 

He can't win that one, he can't force you to stay. If you don't have kids, that's all the more simple to do.

  • Like 3
Rockdad Established Member

Rockdad

Posted
Posted
I always wondered if this ever happened. Was their relationship related to the divorces in some way :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes it was related to the divorce. As it turned out they got together discussing the shock of being left, divorce papers and bla bla bla which led to them comforting each other. To this day neither that I know of has admitted their loss was caused by their own use and abuse. Their 'thing' lasted 2 months. Ours is ongoing and we just celebrated 19 yrs of being together.

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