Trying to Work Past my BF's Drunken Cheating Incident, Not Sure If I Should

June 21, 2016

Okay so I'm going to start from the beginning.

I started seeing my BF towards the end of the school year and honestly it was one of the best times I've had in a long time. We're pretty different but I still liked him quite a bit. I'm pretty infamous for my constant resting bitch face but my friends commented that after being with him I was smiling a lot more. As it was nearing summer break and we would be far away I told him several times it was okay if he wanted to keep it open for the summer, and if he still wanted to pursue me when school started again I was okay with starting things where we left them off, because I didn't expect him to still like me after nearly 4 months of not seeing each other. However he seemed upset by this and insisted he wanted to be exclusive, and that if I really wanted to be open on my side he'd be fine but he'd stay exclusive to me. I figured if he really thought he wanted to continue the relationship it may as well be okay.

So I'm back home and even though we're on different time zones he makes sure to stay up and either text me or skype call me everyday. After a few weeks we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I realize I miss him a lot and make plans to visit him again around the time of my birthday (he's still in school taking summer courses) during the middle of the summer. During this time period I know he goes to parties fairly often, but usually he texts me every hour or so just to update me and usually he's not that drunk. At this point I feel pretty special because I'm the most serious relationship he's had, about a month into the relationship he tells me he loves me, and he's stopped smoking for me (something a person who currently hates him has confirmed for me because they used to smoked together and hear him say outright why he was stopping). Also, I told him I'm a virgin and I'm slow about sexual stuff due to bad past experiences and he tells me that it's okay, he's willing to not have sex at all because he loves me not for sex but because of the emotional connection we have, and he won't have sex with me unless I'm 100% sure of it. At this point I've seen him at his lowest and know a lot about his family and the **** he's gone through when he was younger, including some of his fears (he's originally from a war torn country and he's the only one in his family that was able to leave the country, so it's some pretty rough stuff), so I think despite how relatively new our relationship is (about 2 months at this point), we're pretty close.

Cue to about a week ago. He goes to a party and texts me but not as often, one of them warning me he's pretty wasted. I don't think much of it. The next morning he calls me and tells me what happened at the party. He got super wasted and learned later on that one of his drinks was spiked with both cocaine and ecstasy. He says he doesn't remember most of what happened later that night but his friends witnessed something happen, and he tells me what they saw. He said that one of his close friends kissed him that night and he kissed her back. I start crying and he starts apologizing profusely and the sound of me crying gets him to tears. I'm super hurt but I figured if he was drugged and wasted I can't blame it entirely on him and I make some rules about his drinking and partying habits that he swears he'll follow and took without complaint. However I'm still really hurt because a friend of his told him that this girl liked him, and although he says he didn't believe it, he should have known better. I'm inclined to believe he really was drugged because he showed me the texts with the girl after what happened and he told her this too. I also know he drank more than usual because the girl admitted to and apologized for peer pressuring him to drink more in these texts. The next days are really hard. I'm crying several times a day and I can't eat. When I tell him how much this affected me he genuinely seems distraught, telling me he's not worth me being sick over him and if I don't eat he won't eat either.

A few days later I have my friend who is also there at university ask around about what happened. Turns out he was actually the one who kissed her, and the girl was actually the one who stopped the kiss reminding him he had a gf. From her recollection he said "She said it's okay for one night," something I obviously never said. Upon learning this I break up with my BF telling him what happened that night is something I can't deal with in a relationship. At this point he admits to lying about who kissed who first, but only because he knew I would break up with him for it and that he still wanted us to be together and work through what happened. But he still insists that he wasn't thinking straight because of the drugs and alcohol, especially considering he can't fully remember the night (something I can't prove or disprove so eh), and all of what happened that night was a mistake. Despite his begging (which was surprising considering he's very prideful usually) I told him unless he got his act together and showed that he could change (like following the rules I gave him, which while some were for my reassurance, most were about him learning to grow up and control himself) I couldn't be with him. I did tell him though I would still talk to him if he needed help for motivation to change, and also because I thought if he texted me often enough I could tell when he was getting drunk and know if he was following the rules or not. Apparently this breakup broke him but I was adamant at the time, though I did cry about having to do it later.

However after about a day of officially being no longer together we talked again and I admitted despite what he did I still had feelings for him, and we came to a compromise. If he could follow the dozen or so rules I gave him for the next 3 months which include no partying, no drugs, and no drinking, and always telling me where he is, then I would get back together with him, and when we restarted our relationship I would still need certain rules to be in place because it would be hard to get back my full trust.

Nowadays we've been talking normally. Sometimes he slips up and talks about us as if we're a couple again but he immediately apologizes and asks if I'm uncomfortable. He's come to terms with the fact he's no longer my boyfriend right now but apparently the drive for us to be together again is enough for him. He even said he would be patient about it because he realized he had no reason or right to be rushing me for anything. He still says he loves me and when I tell him about how I'm feeling unwell (I was sick for a while) he seemed genuinely concerned and tried to make sure I was taking care of myself. It's been nearly two weeks (not a lot I know) so far and he's been very good about following the rules I gave him, which I can confirm with the frequency of his texts, his skype calls, and the pictures he sends me of where he is and what he's doing. He's actually an avid drinker and partier but it seems like he's doing well. He's goes to his mosque (he's never been very religious) more often now and apparently he's doing his own way of repenting for what he did too. He even insisted he needs to make a blood promise (which is basically him writing something in his own blood) to work hard on our happiness, and I've seen his several failed attempts so far (he messed up so he's going to try again later and show me the final result). Apparently it's something that has a lot of heavy weight in his culture. I kind of feel bad for doubting this but I have no idea if this actually means anything to him? He says it does and he's only ever done it twice but still, it's kind of hard for me to believe lots of things rn.

I'm still visiting in the summer but now it's mostly to see my other friends. At this point I'm willing to hang around him again as long as he recognizes we can't do what we used to before unless I say I'm comfortable with it. He says though he wants to spend one day alone with me to celebrate my birthday, which is something he's known about and planned for the past two months. And even though we're not technically a real couple anymore, he's still planning on baking me a cake and treating me for the day.

Right now we're at a weird point. We're still together in the sense we care about each other and neither of us are planning on seeing other people right now with the hope things work out and we can be a proper couple in the future, but I've drawn the line at not calling him my boyfriend rn and not doing intimate acts with him until I'm okay with it. He isn't exactly happy he's no longer my boyfriend but he says he understands it's what I need to heal and is willing to wait for that 3 month period. I'm pretty sure I'm okay with the idea of us being fully together again in the future as long as he shows he's committed to me and he respects the rules I've given him, but everyday I still think about what happened that night and it just doesn't sit well with me. I know people have blacked out from overdrinking, and that ecstasy is one hell of a drug, but it still hurts that he cheat on me like that, especially enough to say those words. But at the same time his actions and remorse seem to show he really does regret it. And I'd like to think I do matter to him and he can follow the rules considering he's already stopped smoking for me and that was a less serious request.

Also there's this point. I had told him one day before this all happened I was beginning to love him too, after a few weeks of him telling me he loved me, and I could hear him crying and his voice cracking and him generally being overwhelmed because it was the first time someone aside from his family that said they loved him. When this whole fiasco happened he said he would do anything to regain my love for him back. And after some things died down and we came to the compromise, I admitted to him I think I may still love him, because honestly I've never given this many chances to anyone or tried so hard to make a relationship work, so what else could it be? And when he heard that he started crying again, asking "Are you sure? After all I've done you still love me?" asking me to say it once more so he didn't hear it wrong and needed a moment to compose himself.

So again, I'm trying real hard to make this relationship work. I made that 3 month time cap a thing because even though I'm tempted to be with him the same way as before, the logical part of me is saying he needs to show he's committed and willing to change and earn back my trust before I commit myself fully again. What happened still hurts me and one part of me is still afraid he really meant to cheat on me that night, but the other half is telling me he's working hard to show he's sorry and his actions have shown that he does genuinely care about me and regrets what happened. And also that drugs can have one hell of an effect on your mind, especially mixed together in unknown quantities. I want to think if he's willing to follow the dozen rules I gave him, he's truly remorseful and cares about me.

Am I stupid for giving him this compromise? Does it sound like he's still lying about everything rn? That he cheated on me on purpose? I'm still afraid he may drink without me knowing, although I have asked friends to let me know if they see him drinking or partying. He doesn't have a history for cheating but I am his first serious and longest relationship, the other one were very casual and noncommittal. I am afraid he will cheat on me sober too though. How do I ever get over this nagging fear? I want to work back to a happy relationship but part of me is afraid I'll never be able to let him drink or go to another party unless I'm around to watch him (although he said he's okay with that). But I guess the real issue is that I'm afraid I'll never get over this and won't be able to trust him again. The pain of what happened is still relatively fresh but at least I'm no longer bawling just thinking about what happened so I want to think there's hope I'll eventually be able to. My relationship with him was one of the happiest times and the one I've been the most emotionally invested in, so I want this to work but I think I may be stupid for trying to do so and that I'm falling for a bunch of lies.

June 21, 2016

You got me at cocaine.He's a horny guy, he does drugs, makes poor choice...most certainly not BF material. I don't give a rat's ass what he told you about wanting to be exclusive...that is meaningless talk. You always go by their actions, and actions speak volumes. Dump this loser....seriously you can do waaaay better. It's a no brainer.

June 21, 2016

I'd move on. Excessive drinking, lots of poor decisions. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I have to make a list of rules that have to be followed. Too much work and worry. I want someone I can trust and not have to worry. Your post is riddled with worrying. Don't you want an easy relationship where you don't have to worry about trust?

June 21, 2016

Coke and E do not block your memory - AT ALL.

They do not cloud your judgement either, especially E, no matter how much you drink your head is on straight you just feel damn good.

This story is all lies.

This relationship is doomed, sorry.

June 21, 2016

If you had been married for 10 years with two little children I would say give it a go if you feel you havebto for the sake of your children, but here NO.

Dating is about weeding out the guys who do not meet your expectations - he has let you down big time.

Drugs, alcohol, lying and cheating, a great mix.

Forget him.

June 21, 2016

What happens after 3 months of him living by your rules ? He goes back to his old ways ? Who is going to monitor him? He doesn't have a conscious to guide him. What would he have done if it was you instead of him, partying and kissing etc. ? He would have dropped you like a filthy worm , sorry !

You are clouded by your love for him , before his real self came across. I agree, you are going to worry all the time. Where is the comfort and safety of love ? It is( was ?) supposed to come from him.

Unless his conscious makes him change his entire lifestyle , he will never change. If he really is sorry for hurting you , then there would have been a change in him like day and night and you would see a new man in him.

He broke the foundation that he needs to rebuild again. He is one with poor, loose boundaries , bad decision making and lifestyle. He will get tired of your rules and feel them uncalled for after a while unless the act has moved him to the core and he removes all the bad influences from his life , his so called friends etc

June 21, 2016

You got me at cocaine.He's a horny guy, he does drugs, makes poor choice...most certainly not BF material. I don't give a rat's ass what he told you about wanting to be exclusive...that is meaningless talk. You always go by their actions, and actions speak volumes. Dump this loser....seriously you can do waaaay better. It's a no brainer.

I mean he didn't do the drugs on purpose... They were put in his drink without him knowing. And what do you mean by he's horny? Genuinely curious. I understand you saying that if he had sex with the girl but it was only a kiss and he's never shown me any particularly strong desire for sex since he's always stopped when I was uncomfortable.

I'd move on. Excessive drinking, lots of poor decisions. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I have to make a list of rules that have to be followed. Too much work and worry. I want someone I can trust and not have to worry. Your post is riddled with worrying. Don't you want an easy relationship where you don't have to worry about trust?

I'd like an easy relationship but that's kind of never happened in any relationship I had. I'm hoping we can rebuild that trust again. And I was planning on dropping the rules as time went on and more trust was developed. It's also in my nature to worry. I'm still worried that my own parents will disown me if I don't fulfil their expectations and one of them only cares about me because they need someone to care for them when their older and have no other family left. Hell I've never even told any of my close friends about traumatic events in the past because I'm afraid they'll tell other people and use it against me so that may be a larger problem of my own...

June 21, 2016

His story doesn't make sense.

He claims he was so drunk and high that he doesn't remember what happened...and yet, somehow, he knew he had to lie to you to cover up the fact that he initiated the kiss? I don't think so. He's still not being honest with you.

Even if you wanted to overlook the kiss, this relationship is already too much work. You've been together only 60 days and you already feel compelled to create a list of rules for him to abide by; this isn't healthy for either of you. I very much doubt he's going to stick to them for long, as I don't know very many young people who would abstain from parties and drinking altogether when they could previously be described as "avid" partiers.

You're going to spend the next several months worrying and wondering what he's doing when he doesn't return a message promptly, when he doesn't call on time, when he's busy with friends.

I wouldn't waste my time, honestly.

June 21, 2016

What happens after 3 months of him living by your rules ? He goes back to his old ways ? Who is going to monitor him? He doesn't have a conscious to guide him. What would he have done if it was you instead of him, partying and kissing etc. ? He would have dropped you like a filthy worm , sorry !

You are clouded by your love for him , before his real self came across. I agree, you are going to worry all the time. Where is the comfort and safety of love ? It is( was ?) supposed to come from him.

Unless his conscious makes him change his entire lifestyle , he will never change. If he really is sorry for hurting you , then there would have been a change in him like day and night and you would see a new man in him.

He broke the foundation that he needs to rebuild again. He is one with poor, loose boundaries , bad decision making and lifestyle. He will get tired of your rules and feel them uncalled for after a while unless the act has moved him to the core and he removes all the bad influences from his life , his so called friends etc

I mean actually some of the rules he suggested himself. He originally said he didn't want to drink or go to parties for the rest of the summer, which is pretty much the same as the 3 month period I gave him. And I actually know he doesn't do drugs normally, so even though I made that a rule it was more just a repeat of what he already did.

And when I showed him the original list of rules, he actually said the rules were good and he should have been doing these things originally, so he wants to follow a good a majority of them for good. He apparently even showed it to his dad, who approved as well (and he always listens to his dad). And I do think he is changing. Like I said he started going to and volunteering at a mosque regularly now, even though he never really did before. And I've honestly never heard him so remorseful for something, or do this much to apologize to someone (and I've seen him apologize to other people before). It's kind of hard to see exactly how much he's changed though since we're physically so far apart though...

June 21, 2016

When you're young and don't have kids, there is just no reason to forgive a cheater. They will just do it again if you show they can get away with it. While you're young, something is hard to keep together for whatever reason, and not making you happy, use your youth to keep looking for a better match. The last thing you'd want to do with a cheater is have a kid. It will only make them flee and leave you with all the responsibility. It will not make them grow up.

June 21, 2016

this relationship is already too much work. You've been together only 60 days and you already feel compelled to create a list of rules for him to abide by; this isn't healthy for either of you. I very much doubt he's going to stick to them for long

Yup!

Almost always when an OP has to bang out that much dialog to justify a bad thread title, you have your answer.

The right person simply enhances your life. Relationships take work but they should never head you towards and early grave... or grey hair...

June 21, 2016

You're going to spend the next several months worrying and wondering what he's doing when he doesn't return a message promptly, when he doesn't call on time, when he's busy with friends.

or you are still worrying years later...

Trust is really hard to get back.

June 21, 2016

or you are still worrying years later...
Trust is really hard to get back.

I completely agree. This won't end when the distances closes again after summer.

The trust is already gone at 2 months. It's a bad start indeed.

June 21, 2016

Coke and E do not block your memory - AT ALL.

They do not cloud your judgement either, especially E, no matter how much you drink your head is on straight you just feel damn good.

When mixed with alcohol, they definitely can block your memory/make you black out and make you make poor decisions. I've had it happen numerous times myself as i used to have some issues with substances in my early 20s. Ecstasy can make you black out without alcohol as well, I used to go to raves and it was not a very uncommon experience for people to not remember parts of the night.

That said - it is still absolutely no excuse. You are always responsible for your OWN behaviour (not anyone else's) when you choose to get ****ed up. Despite having a volatile relationship and a drug problem in my early 20s i never cheated on him even when i was blacked out.

If he's already cheated on you after 2 months, there's not really any coming back from that. You'd never trust him again no matter what he did. In fact the fact that he did it while intoxicated/blames it on the intoxication just makes him even more likely to do it since he's not accepting responsibility for his actions. It will also make it harder for you to trust him because every time he gets drunk it won't even feel like the person that you know and trust is in control anymore.

If you're having this many issues after two months, there's not really all that much to put back together anyway. The fallout will only get worse with this guy the further in you go.

June 21, 2016

Seriously OP everyone tells you to end it yet you go reject everyone. Then what's the point asking for help seems like you made up your mind that you won't find anyone better and want to stay with him

If you don't think you deserve better then no one can help you

Edited June 21, 2016 by frus69

June 21, 2016

This will all work out fine.

Until the next time...

June 21, 2016

I don't do excessive drinking, drugs, or cheating... I would be telling him not to let the door hit him on the way out... But, that's just me.

June 21, 2016

Coke and E do not block your memory - AT ALL.

They do not cloud your judgement either, especially E, no matter how much you drink your head is on straight you just feel damn good.

This story is all lies.

This relationship is doomed, sorry.

Err sorry but you must be kidding. That totally depends how much you do and how high quality it is. You certainly don't feel like your head is on straight, make clear choices or remember everything if you do a lot of ectasy or a lot of Coke particularly when mixing with alcohol. :lmao: E's you go to Lala land and pretty much become a munted mess - I've lost hours of a night before and "come too" with weird strangers I spent the night with but don't even remember speaking too. Small quantities of real MDMA will make you more alert, happy, loving and filled with ecstatic bliss. Too much normally makes people hullucinate, lose motor skills, the ability to talk or function as a human being in any capacity My guess is if you did a lot and we're still with it - it was predominantly speed not mdma. That will have you "switched on" and with it - but it will also make Swiss cheese out of your brain. Seriously methamphetamin is nasty never touch that ****. Coke on the other hand does tend to straighten you out - but it is short lasting allows people to drink copious amounts in a short period as you don't feel the alcohol when you are high. But then the Coke wears off and youre so drunk you don't know your own name.

In saying that the story does sound like he's twisting the facts. My guess is he took the drugs willing got ****ed up and horny and made out with the girl. Hes just twisted the truth slightly as you would expect someone in his position to do.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

June 22, 2016

In saying that the story does sound like he's twisting the facts. My guess is he took the drugs willing got ****ed up and horny and made out with the girl. Hes just twisted the truth slightly as you would expect someone in his position to do.

That would be my guess too.

June 22, 2016

I mean he didn't do the drugs on purpose... They were put in his drink without him knowing.

Well, that's what he told you. Of course he also told you this woman made the advances, and that turned out to be a lie.

Truthfully, he enjoys drinking. Don't take away his fun, it just makes you his scolding Mommy. It's fun for him.

You get to choose if you like that about him (you don't, or you wouldn't have needed him to text you with the hourly Good Boyfriend Report), or you get to decide if you don't like it.

You don't get to change it.

... and he's never shown me any particularly strong desire for sex since he's always stopped when I was uncomfortable.

Yay, that's good news

It is important to find a partner who respects you and respects your choices.

I'd like an easy relationship but that's kind of never happened in any relationship I had.

The correct way to state that is to say, "I've not yet been strong enough to discard disappointing relationships until I've found an easy one."

You, dear WhiteToGrey, are an active part of your relationships. They don't happen to be a certain way. You choose to accept them. Stop doing that.

Yes, it's very, very hard.

Dating is for meeting someone, and deciding if you like them enough THE WAY THEY CHOOSE TO BE to see them again. That's step one. Step two is investing yourself more. Step three is checking again with your observation of their choices to see if you want to continue to see them. Step four is investing yourself more. Repeat, repeat, always checking in with yourself if you want to continue seeing them.

All you've done to this point is meet him. I realize it feels like much, much more to you, but objectively, you've only met him. You don't know him.

Knowing him happens by observing his actions without a lens of hope/love/romance. If a friend told you what you've told us, I hope you would recommend that friend now break off this 'relationship', as it is glaringly apparent you and your not-boyfriend have fun in different ways. I say this because I don't recall you saying you texted him during all the parties you were getting drunk at, but that is where he chooses to enjoy himself.

Now it is time for step two. Do you enjoy being in a relationship with him THE WAY HE CHOOSES TO BE?

You have made up your own third option - telling him how to become the man you want to be in a relationship with. Speaking from experience, and from years of conversations here (on LoveShack) and in Real Life, this is (sadly) a fake option. It doesn't work. He is who he is of his own choices.

You almost got it though! You're very close!

Instead of telling him, "I want you to be like......... so I will enjoy this relationship with you.", what you really mean to say is,

"I want to enjoy a relationship with a man like........ I wish you well, and now I must end my time spent talking to you so I will have the time and space in my heart when I meet that man, to start a new relationship."

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

June 22, 2016

You're not married to this guy.

You mentioned school so I'm assuming you're young and in college.

Dating is about learning about someone and learning what you like and don't and eventually finding someone to settle down with. It's not about making all kinds of rules with shady boyfriends and sticking through bad relationships for no reason other than you like the person and feel special because they never had a serious relationship before and said they love you.

One of the worst things you can do is wait to be an exception to some guy's rule or think you're the shining light that he's changing himself for (he stopped smoking for me, he never loved anyone but me... etc). That's usually how questionable relationships sound...where everything has to be an exception and where there has to be a lot of rationalizing shady behavior.

I would never advise anyone who is dating and not married and it's long distance on top of it and they're in college to forgive drunken cheating and then continue with the relationship by making a rule book. Why? It's the quickest way to erode your self esteem or is a symptom of you already having low self esteem. And this is not an insult. Beautiful, smart women who otherwise feel confident, their insecurities and self worth show in the men they choose to fall in love with and forgive and keep around. It breaks my heart personally to see young girls, high school, college-age etc already begin the cycle of excusing bad behavior and "sticking" with a man who has crossed boundaries or disrespected them or is plain not that good, but somehow they decide that this is IT and this random guy they like for now is worth all this stress and throwing away of common sense and their time and love...and inevitably when it isn't they many times continue this pattern with other guys. The best thing you can do is realize that while you like him, you'll like others, and better guys will come around so it's best to leave him alone and move on rather than be kicking yourself months from now.

June 22, 2016

Oh Lord. What a Clusterf*ck. You're not married to him. You don't have kids with him. In fact you were with him for just a brief moment when this all went down. Yet, you want to monitor him, have other monitor him, have him follow your rules and restrict his activities....and you two haven't even been in a long term relationship. Sounds like A LOT of work. Quite frankly, why would you feel good about living this way?

After this 3 month probationary period...what happens next? If you get back together with him...will you feel comfortable if he want to party again?

He went and partied because he wanted to. He kissed another girl because he wanted to, he also lied to you because he wanted to...

He's young, he's virile, you're holding out on sex, he's surrounded by young sexy partying people....I don't see a great outcome here.

Save yourself the energy and move it along, girl.

(Isn't it embrassing that you're having others at his University monitor to him too? Seriously...)

June 22, 2016

Some aspects of his story don't add up, as others have pointed out. First, if you put cocaine in liquid it is neutralized. Meaning his drink was not "spiked" with cocaine. Ecstasy, maybe, but unless he guzzled the drink he would start to feel the effects of it coming on, realize what had occurred, and stop drinking.

As others pointed out, he admitted to the one lie that you uncovered. He had to because you found out the truth. He is lying about other things as well, probably one of them being how far things went with his friend.

You are young and have lots of time to date. At this point, he has shown himself to be dishonest and misleading. I'm sure you enjoyed the early days together. The early days are fun. Now you are finding out who he really is. You're not married. No attachments. Best to move on.

June 22, 2016

Some aspects of his story don't add up, as others have pointed out. First, if you put cocaine in liquid it is neutralized. Meaning his drink was not "spiked" with cocaine. Ecstasy, maybe, but unless he guzzled the drink he would start to feel the effects of it coming on, realize what had occurred, and stop drinking.

As others pointed out, he admitted to the one lie that you uncovered. He had to because you found out the truth. He is lying about other things as well, probably one of them being how far things went with his friend.

You are young and have lots of time to date. At this point, he has shown himself to be dishonest and misleading. I'm sure you enjoyed the early days together. The early days are fun. Now you are finding out who he really is. You're not married. No attachments. Best to move on.

This is a good point!

I think so many of us get caught up with the good times in the beginning and even when the person shows their true colors or the relationship has deteriorated from the good days (be they the first good year, good month or even in some cases this guy was only "perfect" the first day!) we're still thinking that we can stick around and recover the facade or the good feelings from before and before you know it you're neck deep in some mess that should have ended from the first incident where it wasn't going well.

Relationships require readjusting when you gain new info. It shouldn't be about living in the past where things were good or about seeing reality and blinding yourself to it and then forging on hoping that rules will change things. It's okay to break up. It's okay to readjust your wants. It's okay to walk away. It's okay to be sad it wasn't what you expected. It's NOT okay though to stay in messed up situations and then turn your energies to changing the other person and controlling their behavior. Once it gets to that or they're on "probation" and there is a lack of trust (esp in a situation that's not even a marriage or something where a lot more has been invested), you have already compromised yourself.

June 23, 2016

^^^^^^^^^^^

Well said MissBee - a well thought out, well written post. Kudos.

It took me 35 years and 2 divorces to learn this. It was really painful to learn.... but much more painful to ignore.

It is OK (and often healthy) to walk away gracefully before it all deteriorates into a wreck you start dragging around.

Edited June 23, 2016 by Sunlight72

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