My relationship in a nutshell

[IJamezz]

So this is my first post on this forum, and after hours of searching online for anything to lift my hopes, I've decided I just need to express myself, my thoughts and my situation, and just maybe someone can point me in the right direction or even just listen.

 

So to give you a quick run down, My name is James, I am a 25yr old Male who has just had a "mutual" breakup with my now ex-fiancée, 2 weeks ago, she is a 24yr old Female named Elise. I suffer from Anxiety & Depression, though I handle it fairly well, and so does she. She has a 2 year old daughter from her first marriage, who's a very gorgeous little girl .. I haven't had many serious relationships, mainly a few small flings and one kind of serious one before which I ended. So I am some what in-experienced in the relationship department, but I try.

 

So we started out on fire, there was a real connection, we grew to love each other, we got engaged very fast as she kind of pressured too, and things were going very well, I took on her little daughter who I also grew to love, things were good, I was in love and happy. But then things got shaky, I saw her starting to draw away from me, and become moody as hell when she started taking the pill, at first we didn't put two and two together as it was gradual, over a few weeks. So I started to feel insecure and that started to project onto the relationship because of my anxiety, we talked about it a few times, and she finally went to the doctors and changed it. We thought the moodiness disappeared, though at the time I was away from her, so I didn't see the change in person, I only heard it over the phone. When I came back, I thought she might of still been, but because she insisted that the pill she was on was her old one and that never affected her moods, so it's just her, so I just let it be and thought it was just in my head. Though I want to note, we always talked about our issues, our communication was fairly good but this was mainly because I was opening and always drew her out. Oh and later on, the doctor told her it was exactly the same pill as the first one that made her moody :/ so it hadn't changed

 

So these moods continued for awhile, and I started getting insecure (as anyone would) because she was so distant from me, cold often, and very moody. I am a very affectionate, caring person, so when I could see she wasn't feeling great or being distant, I would do what I could to help her out, whether it was to look after her little one till late at night while she was at work, do the house work (didn't live with her due to religious reasons), or just bring her flowers or chocolates. I would give her hugs and kisses very often and tell her i loved her, as that is just who I am. However, these would occasionally be received with a moody "I don't feel like it" or "give me space", and this was not like her, because only a few short months ago, she was all over me, constantly. So yes it sounds like I may have been smothering her slightly, maybe? and maybe I was a little to start off with, but one horrible Sunday she snapped, out of no where (though she insisted she hinted it to me) we had this massive "all most breakup" type thing happen, we were both a mess, but we sat down with our parents, which was odd and chatted about it, Elise basically gave me a laundry list of faults, though some of them were so not even me, my parents were even shocked, (though apparently her parents had added to that list, she told me later on). Though some of them I did agree with. She wanted to push the wedding dates back to early next year, so we did. After it, my parents confessed that they had doubts about my relationship before but didn't want to say anything, they said she is always unhappy, moody and often cold. But they said that the meeting with her was positive and they were positive about my relationship.

 

So I maned up, took my faults on board and worked on every issue, a month later she said not one of those issues concerned her anymore and she was in-love with me again, she also said that on that Sunday, she had kind of had a mini freak out/panic attack and it wasn't supposed to happen like that.

 

So we were back on track and we started to plan our wedding for next year, though even through all this she was still often very moody and just never really needing me and happy to be by herself. I had backed off with the affection, I gave her space, didn't text much and didn't call much, as she had asked me too on that Sunday, that she wasn't an affectionate type (even though she had been) and she wanted us to have our own lives. Oh and through all of this, she was still on the pill (not sure if this had a reason for her change).

 

My parents again expressed their concerns about her moods and attitude, though they praised me on how much effort I was putting into the relationship and said that they have seen a huge change in me for the better. They mentioned how excellent I was with her daughter and how I've really became a Man. I was happy about this obviously.

 

However, I started to become frustrated and again insecure, because I felt I was the only one putting effort in and I said this to her multiple times. I started to complain about her moods. She she didn't know why she had them and we would talk through it. She said she was really trying to be more affectionate and more happy. Though I didn't really see much of a change. I was still trying, I would only maybe see her once on a friday night and maybe the Sunday. Also would see her on Wednesday at our church, but only shortly.

 

I would ask her out on the weekends to go to the movies, or out to dinner and I would do this most weekends, however she would always come up with excuses, which would frustrate me, she never wanted to do anything, never wanted to come over, so I always put the effort in to go over to hers. She did tell me she loved me all the time and kissed me and what not, so it wasn't as if she was completely cold, but she just seemed to be happy to not see me at all, even though she loved me. We had multiple chats about our issues, it always felt like we had resolved it, but it would go back to the same only days later.

 

She would tell me she wasn't cold, that it was just her, but she agreed she was always moody and she would always say she felt like something was wrong but didn't know what it wqas. She was constantly planning the wedding through all of this btw. She had said she was looking forward to a future with me multiple times too.

 

Basically in the end, it came to a head, which was only two weeks ago, we both decided that we just didn't suite each other, because we both had two different styles of affection, which hers was, maybe a cuddle and kiss once when I saw each other, and that I should know she loved me without her really telling me. Where as mine was, to act as a couple, you know, want to be around each other, but not in a suffocating way, just wanting to be with each other and show the appropriate affection to one another. She said in the breakup that I would be a wonderful husband, just not for her. We both cried on the phone and we agreed it was going to hard, and we laughed about a few things. It was a good breakup.

 

(Oh and I should note, when I was depressed she would tell me that I should deal with it myself, and any sort of support from her in form of a hug or supportive words was apparently "mothering" ...)

 

 

So here I am now, and so are you with this giant story I have written, sorry for that haha, anyways, so the last two weeks, I have missed her like crazy and I think all the time, and think if only things were different. As you can see, I feel that the pill might of had an issue with our relationship and she had just gone off it two weeks before we broke up, so it wasn't out of her system. Anyways, we obviously had issues and though I kind of want her back, now I feel that we could of worked through our issues eventually, as we did work very well in a lot of area's, though we broke in the affection area. Her needs were different to mine. I will note her ex husband never gave her any attention and he was horrible. She said that was why she was so self reliant. Anyways, can some one please give me some direction or something, I feel very lost and not sure what to do. I now week 2 into the No Contact rule and trying to move on, though I miss her.

 

Ehhh...

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry you are hurting, OP. It sounds like you really care about her.

 

This is not all because of the pill. If her mood swings were that severe, he doctor very likely would have changed her prescription. I say that as a woman who has taken the Pill (various brands) for about 20 years.

 

I think she has bigger underlying issues. Whether it's emotional instability or just a lack of genuine love for you, she's not The One. I am surprised you stayed after she and her parents made a laundry list of all the things they don't like about you. Your parents were right to be concerned about that.

 

It seems as though for the majority of the relationship, her moods were erratic and she was pushing you away. A healthy, stable relationship is simply not possible in that context. Pill or no pill, believe her when she says you're not suited to each other.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out but I really think your energy would be better invested in someone who wants to be with you, consistently. She didn't.

[IJamezz]

I am sorry you are hurting, OP. It sounds like you really care about her.

 

This is not all because of the pill. If her mood swings were that severe, he doctor very likely would have changed her prescription. I say that as a woman who has taken the Pill (various brands) for about 20 years.

 

I think she has bigger underlying issues. Whether it's emotional instability or just a lack of genuine love for you, she's not The One. I am surprised you stayed after she and her parents made a laundry list of all the things they don't like about you. Your parents were right to be concerned about that.

 

It seems as though for the majority of the relationship, her moods were erratic and she was pushing you away. A healthy, stable relationship is simply not possible in that context. Pill or no pill, believe her when she says you're not suited to each other.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out but I really think your energy would be better invested in someone who wants to be with you, consistently. She didn't.

Yeah, I really did, and for her daughter.

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it very much. That does help me to clarify my thoughts more, as in a time like this, it is very hard to know what thoughts are reality and what are just distorted by love. So it helps to have a firm opinion by some one who is not close to the situation, aka my family and friends.

 

Writing it all out was actually quite therapeutic, I would encourage anyone who is reading this to also write out your entire relationship, as I have.

 

But yes, I guess I stayed with her after that, because I didn't want to fell as if I hadn't tried my best and well because I loved her. I guess I've just got to move on and hope that I do find The One, one day haha. Thank you again so much for your input.

[iServe]

Thanks for sharing your story. Time will make things easier. What have you learned from this relationship? believe me when I say you can take away something positive or worth keeping. As hard as this is, I'm glad you know how she feels. listen to her, she'll tell you what she needs-sometimes hard to embrace though. Keep your hands busy with healthy things, keep your head up-there's more fish in the sea. Take time to think about what you need in a future relationship (values, morals, character, qualities, interest, hobbies, passions, spirituality, etc.). Allow your heart time to heal and keep your mind right. I believe that You will love again. Don't compare or judge yourself to others. She is still searching for something, healing, help, hope, or the right person just like you-say a prayer for her too. All is not lost! Still not easy. Take care and God bless!

[LD1990]

Let me get this straight...you and her sat down with both of your parents, where she proceeded to tell you everything you were doing wrong, and then she later tells you that her parents actually contributed to her list of "why James is a lousy boyfriend?" Wow, I've heard about meddling in-laws but that's a whole new level.

 

This hurts now but it's going to get better, and trust me, this is for the best. You're getting lucky here. You're 25. The last thing you want to do is get tied down to some girl with emotional issues, a kid, and parents who badmouth you. I'm wondering, did she ever feel smothered while you were doing her housework? Or was it just when your affection wasn't convenient for her?

[IJamezz]

Thank you iServe. Those words were very comforting. Yes i have definitely learnt alot about myself in this relationship and I have learnt what I need as well. Yes I will let myself heal, even though I always seem to have a habit from jumping from one relationship to the next. So this time, I am going to be smart about it and just let time go by for awhile and sort myself out and get back on track. To be honest though, i have a bit of depression tonight about it all because tomorrow (24th June) was our original wedding date

 

In reply to: LD1990

 

Yeah, it was actually pretty brutal and like a good third was untrue. She also said her brother in-law even contributed.. He apparently had concerns about me not bonding enough with her 2yr daughter, which was completely false, we actually had a great relationship. I was always interacting with her, I even miss her now, she was so cute.

 

Yeah it is for the best, thanks buddy Yeah I agree, the more that time is going on, the more clear it is becoming that she was really not good for me and that it really wasn't a good relationship. She liked me doing the house work, she always appreciated that, she just didn't like much affection at all, I guess it wasn't convenient for her She also decided she hated proper kissing (like pashing) and only wanted ever small on the lips short kisses.. really killed things a bit. No passion in the relationship in the end :/

[ExpatInItaly]

I feel for you as you seem like a very kind individual.

 

Start thinking of it this way: she wasn't a good match for you. You would have been unhappily married as she wouldn't have been able to meet your needs and desires. You would have felt unappreciated and unloved.

 

There's another woman out there somewhere who will gladly accept and reciprocate your love and affection.

[IJamezz]

I feel for you as you seem like a very kind individual.

 

Start thinking of it this way: she wasn't a good match for you. You would have been unhappily married as she wouldn't have been able to meet your needs and desires. You would have felt unappreciated and unloved.

 

There's another woman out there somewhere who will gladly accept and reciprocate your love and affection.

Well i try haha.

Yeah you're totally right! I do just have to put that at the for front of my mind and focus on that thought and that there will be some one else. Thanks heaps for the kind words and support. I appreciate it a lot.

[IJamezz]

Ok, so she texted me on the day we were supposed to of been getting married before everything blew up, with this text:

 

"Hey how are you?

I wanted to message and see how your doing slightsmile emoticon

I would have last week but thought it was A little to early.

I also didn't want you to think that I don't care or want to talk to you. As I do believe we can be best of friends"

 

I replied 3 days later with a short message saying "Yeah, I'm good thanks. Just got back from my holiday."

 

She then replied, which I didn't think she would of since I was so short with her.. with: "That's good. Hope you had a good time." and I said "Yeah I did, thank you.".

 

And that was it, but now I am a mess, all the emotions have come back since the first text and I miss her unbearably!! I am so tempted to just text her or call her and try and fix stuff. Can someone please slap me, ehh, I am feeling so horribly bad and in so much pain.

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't fix it. She has problems that have nothing to do with you.

 

If you need a reminder why you need to stay away from her, think about the laundry list of faults she drew up and involved her family in. That should be enough to have you running in the opposite direction.

[bummer]

Can someone please slap me, ehh, I am feeling so horribly bad and in so much pain.

 

Im sending as many hard shoulder punches as you need to not break NC any more. It took me awhile, but i did look and find the block option on my phone. You should block her. breadcrumbs wont make you full.

[LD1990]

Ok, so she texted me on the day we were supposed to of been getting married before everything blew up, with this text:

 

"Hey how are you?

I wanted to message and see how your doing slightsmile emoticon

I would have last week but thought it was A little to early.

I also didn't want you to think that I don't care or want to talk to you. As I do believe we can be best of friends"

 

Next time she brings up this friends nonsense respond with "Absolutely! And since we're friends now I've always wanted to bang

1. , mind hooking me up?"

 

Or, you know, try the whole NC thing which tends to be most effective for getting over an ex.

[IJamezz]

@ExpatInItaly

Yeah I guess so, maybe that stuff doesn't bother me, but I think it should. Ehh I am too nice I think..

 

@bummer thanks Buddy, appreciate it aye, been a really hard this week trying not to send anything else, which i haven't, but it's been hard. I miss her alot!

 

@LD1990 Hahahha, yeah that works haha, but I am trying to not let anything get ugly due to us not having a bad breakup. Yeah I am trying then whole NC thing. Still very hard though

 

Thanks guys for all your support, I just got to keep remembering that she wasn't right for me and keep focused on that, because I miss her so much it starts to twist my thoughts :/

[Densel]

This "best of friends" thing is sick!

 

I dont understand what all these exes are trying to prove by proposing to be "friends"?!

 

Anyway. As all said, go nc.