tanchan3 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I have been dating a guy who has a super demanding career for 3 months. He asked me to be in a relationship and I agreed because we get along very well + I respect and love him as a person. Lately he's been super busy and his job is turning him into a distant, selfish person. The stuff he is involved with is on the news and I get that he is drained from his job. He's starting to have health concerns and I think work is literally killing him. He travels a lot for work and recently caught a terrible cold. We don't live together so usually only hang out on weekends. Last weekend he told me he was feeling too sick and wanted to be alone. I was sad because I had a business trip too this week and wanted to see him. He told me I shouldn't take it personally and that he's just really sick and appreciates me. He also told me that he feels 'trapped', 'isolated' and 'depressed' because of his job and living in a country where he doesn't speak the language. I have always helped him out since I'm from this country and he told me recently that I'm the 'best thing in his life here.' That made me very happy but the things he says don't seem match his actions these days. He says he's feeling depressed so maybe it's just that but I also don't want to make excuses for people aren't treating me very well. He used to be very sweet and considerate and once told me that love is something that should be preserved. He's always been busy but he always used to make time for me and always told me enjoyed spending time with me. He seemed so focused on me! He was always interested in things I had to say and made it clear that he wanted to share a life with me. He's 33 and I'm 26. I'm a little insecure but very loving, always attentive and trying to provide him solace and comfort after a long day at work. I know he appreciates it but lately I don't know whether I should continue being with him. I don't know if he still wants my support. Hes too sick or tired to see me but keeps messaging me. He never calls. His recent messages are mostly about him being exhausted from work. He would ask me a question about my trip and I would answer and he wouldn't reply or just send me emotionless responses. Looking back at old messages I can tell he's stopped being attentive and caring in the relationship. I don't get why he still bothers to message me though. Last week he told me that after his long business trip in July, he will 'drop off the he face of the earth for 10 days' because he wants 'to get away from the world' since the stress is getting to him and is 'starting to lose it a bit.' Now I understand that when people are stressed its easier to just say it - plus he has the resources to just get up and go. The problem I have with this is that he told me about two weeks ago that he'd be home for my birthday (July 22) and that we'd go on a trip together in August. In no way did I ask him to do this. He offered to do that without me asking and it made me very happy. What also bugs me is that he feels 'isolated' in this city but is going somewhere he does not speak the language of - by himself. He's saying that I'm taking it 'too personally' when I question his decision to 'disappear' for a little while and also not caring about my birthday which he made a point to prioritize. He told me before that it would be a hard few months because of his and that it wouldn't always be like this. Has he just given up on other parts of his life because work is too exhausting? Should I continue to be patient and understanding or am I tolerating too much? Is he really simply losing it or is he waiting for me to give up and walk away? I want to continue being with him but I don't know how to get through to him. I might be able to see him tomorrow so I would like to have a conversation with him about all of this. How should I address it? Or should I simply not even try? Any advice is greatly appreciated!!
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Hes too sick or tired to see me but keeps messaging me. He never calls. His recent messages are mostly about him being exhausted from work. He would ask me a question about my trip and I would answer and he wouldn't reply or just send me emotionless responses. Looking back at old messages I can tell he's stopped being attentive and caring in the relationship. I don't get why he still bothers to message me though. Last week he told me that after his long business trip in July, he will 'drop off the he face of the earth for 10 days' because he wants 'to get away from the world' since the stress is getting to him and is 'starting to lose it a bit.' Now I understand that when people are stressed its easier to just say it - plus he has the resources to just get up and go. The problem I have with this is that he told me about two weeks ago that he'd be home for my birthday (July 22) and that we'd go on a trip together in August. In no way did I ask him to do this. He offered to do that without me asking and it made me very happy. What also bugs me is that he feels 'isolated' in this city but is going somewhere he does not speak the language of - by himself. He's saying that I'm taking it 'too personally' when I question his decision to 'disappear' for a little while and also not caring about my birthday which he made a point to prioritize. He told me before that it would be a hard few months because of his and that it wouldn't always be like this. Has he just given up on other parts of his life because work is too exhausting? Should I continue to be patient and understanding or am I tolerating too much? Is he really simply losing it or is he waiting for me to give up and walk away? I want to continue being with him but I don't know how to get through to him. I might be able to see him tomorrow so I would like to have a conversation with him about all of this. How should I address it? Or should I simply not even try? Any advice is greatly appreciated!! That is one big load of poo. You dated a couple of months and he was nice and attentive for a while now he turned into an disinterested indifferent pseudo-boyfriend. It's time to break it. He met someone else and he is delaying breaking up with you but it's coming. He is keeping you on a back-burner while he is working on a more interesting deal. And this non-sense about disappearing for 10 days ??? I'd tell him to disappear for good. Hon, when a man neglects you after 3 months you don't fix it, you break it. Dating is about discovering someone's character and you're discovering his. It's nothing to cry over. 4
Lois_Griffin Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 There's just NO point in wasting one more day of your life on this fool. Not one.
kendahke Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) He's not a fool for being overwhelmed by culture shock. He isn't able to give you what you require, despite him telling you you're the best thing about being in Japan. Let's face it--if he's not from there, he's going to be overwhelmed by the pace of life there and what is expected out of workers there. You're used to it, so you're not seeing the problem. He's not. He probably shouldn't have gotten involved with anyone until he got his overwhelming feelings under control. I'd scale back my expectations if I was you. This probably isn't the romance you're after. Edited June 21, 2016 by kendahke 2
Yookie Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Last week he told me that after his long business trip in July, he will 'drop off the he face of the earth for 10 days' because he wants 'to get away from the world' since the stress is getting to him and is 'starting to lose it a bit.' He's taking his girlfriend on vacation. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 He's taking his girlfriend on vacation. Unfortunately, that was my first thought too. I understand being overwhelmed by culture shock, as I also live in a foreign country. It's a lot to take in and can feel very isolating at times. A lot of expats go through phases of doubting our choices, wanting to escape back to familiarity for a while. However, needing to drop off the radar completely for 10 days smells fishy. I can get needing some alone time, some breathing space. But this does not mean I would go out of touch altogether. I don't like the sound of that at all.
Author tanchan3 Posted June 22, 2016 Author Posted June 22, 2016 Thank you everyone for your comments! Whether there is someone else is in the picture (which he denied) it doesn't matter because I now know he doesn't care about me. It's annoying that he keeps saying that he does. I confronted him over the phone and I'm going to his place to pick up my stuff tonight. 1
Recommended Posts