VeveCakes Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 It would just be nice to talk to her about these things but I always feel like I'm more to blame. Like I never know when she understands what I feel like. And it frustrates me when she says something like "I can change" which is fine considering folks don't really change. But why in the hell is it too much to ask for a calm response like "I'm sorry you feel that way, I can try but there are no guarantees" Like I'm ok with that like you acknowledge that something hurt me. But I suppose she's just done with telling me this. We've been through something similar where's she's told me something more or less along the lines of what I wanted her to say above. Why is it so hard to stop calling someone an idiot? Or not tell them they are so bored all the time? I never told her I was bored because I always felt that was rude. Also, can I get some opinions from women for this question: What do you expect or at least hope a man will do for you if you are dating him? The reason you can't talk to her is because she won't let you. She doesn't give a rats ass what you want. She just flips it so somehow it's about you not being enough. This is how she avoids ever looking like the problem. She is not capable of a healthy relationship at this point. Coming from a woman, I don't think about what my man can give to me, or do for me. I don't need that. I think about what I can do for him. Support him, inspire him, make him happy, make him laugh, keep him interested in life. If you can't even communicate your feelings to her, how do you expect to have a healthy relationship?
tinkerbell16 Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 (edited) It would just be nice to talk to her about these things but I always feel like I'm more to blame. Like I never know when she understands what I feel like. And it frustrates me when she says something like "I can change" which is fine considering folks don't really change. But why in the hell is it too much to ask for a calm response like "I'm sorry you feel that way, I can try but there are no guarantees" Like I'm ok with that like you acknowledge that something hurt me. But I suppose she's just done with telling me this. We've been through something similar where's she's told me something more or less along the lines of what I wanted her to say above. Why is it so hard to stop calling someone an idiot? Or not tell them they are so bored all the time? I never told her I was bored because I always felt that was rude. Also, can I get some opinions from women for this question: What do you expect or at least hope a man will do for you if you are dating him? Ummm I dunno... NOT cheat on me while I was on vacation as a passive aggressive way to boost your ego, establish (false) confidence and self worth. You are discussing her lack of respect while you are acting with some pretty ballsy lack of respect moves. Lets turn tables here. If your girlfriend had a quasi date Friday with another man behind your back how would you feel????? You are kidding yourself if you think your intentions are just "to be friends" with the new girl. If you are unhappy with the relationship dealing with it while she is on vacation is not appropriate. Wait for her to return and then discuss/breakup/whatever. Do not start another relationship until you sort through why this one isn't healthy and what roll you played to make it that way. You are looking at your current relationship with "love goggles" meaning in NO way can you believe you are being objective with your views on your current relationship whilst harboring your budding love with another (love goggles). If I had a friend who was entertaining another female secretly while his girlfriend of FOUR YEARS was on vacation it would warrant an "don't be an idiot" conversation! I am not supporting how she speaks to you in any way... but two wrongs don't make a right and if these are accurate accounts of her and you stayed four years you have inner work that needs to be done before jumping into another relationship. End your relationship if it isn't what you want, do the inner work then date. Edited June 22, 2016 by tinkerbell16 2
JoeSmith357-1 Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 You need to dump her, she will change... it might be well into her 30's when she is dateless and has 4 cats and "baby panic" sets in, but unless she's a 10, she isnt getting far treating people like that. 1
Author nickflick Posted June 22, 2016 Author Posted June 22, 2016 Ummm I dunno... NOT cheat on me while I was on vacation as a passive aggressive way to boost your ego, establish (false) confidence and self worth. You are discussing her lack of respect while you are acting with some pretty ballsy lack of respect moves. Lets turn tables here. If your girlfriend had a quasi date Friday with another man behind your back how would you feel????? You are kidding yourself if you think your intentions are just "to be friends" with the new girl. If you are unhappy with the relationship dealing with it while she is on vacation is not appropriate. Wait for her to return and then discuss/breakup/whatever. Do not start another relationship until you sort through why this one isn't healthy and what roll you played to make it that way. You are looking at your current relationship with "love goggles" meaning in NO way can you believe you are being objective with your views on your current relationship whilst harboring your budding love with another (love goggles). If I had a friend who was entertaining another female secretly while his girlfriend of FOUR YEARS was on vacation it would warrant an "don't be an idiot" conversation! I am not supporting how she speaks to you in any way... but two wrongs don't make a right and if these are accurate accounts of her and you stayed four years you have inner work that needs to be done before jumping into another relationship. End your relationship if it isn't what you want, do the inner work then date. Maybe I should have mentioned this but my girlfriend already knows we hang out. And tbh I have little ego to speak of considering my current position. Really I told my girlfriend about her like I do with all girls I am with alone for any elongated period of time. Just so she knows what's up so no, I'm not planning on cheating on her but if I was being honest meeting this new girl gave me an insight to how I want to be treated in a relationship. Sure, if I were to just start dating her right after, I'm sure it wouldn't last but it would have to be better than this. Or atleast it should be.
kendahke Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 (edited) I guess I really don't think I deserve it but I might have thought that maybe its just how she is and maybe she really cares about me she just acts that way as a defensive mechanism which would make alot of sense considering shes very bad with sharing emotions with me sometimes. That is some twisted, tortured logic. How does she share her emotions with her girlfriends and others who are close to her? I'll bet she doesn't put them through what she puts you through. She doesn't care about you; hell, she doesn't even respect you. If she did, those words would not be coming out of her mouth. What she has for you is barely veiled contempt. She's got emotional issues that are way above your paygrade to try to solve. She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. Edited June 22, 2016 by kendahke
kendahke Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 ****. So I talked to her on the phone just now. We weren't talking too much but I didn't really have anything to add really but it was really nice to hear her voice. Then she just sighs and says something to the tune of "I forgot you aren't very romantic that's why I'm getting bored" And this actually really ticked me off. I don't think I yelled at her but I pleaded with her that the reason I don't anymore is because it feels like she doesn't appreciate it anymore. To which she responds with "I'm never going to change" and something along the lines of "Then don't try to be romantic". I hate this because I don't think she realizes how that makes me feel. Again I feel like a ****ing chump. Then she acts all annoyed then says I'm going to bed then does the usual thing where she acts like she doesn't care. So when she says she's going to bed I say "I love you babe good night" and responds with "Yeah" and hangs up. Man!! Can it get any more cringe-worthy? You pleaded with her? Seriously? Ugh! Anyone who would say to me "I'm never going to change" would be told "Then don't change. I am." and hang up on her, be done with her, block her number and all ways of contact on social media. What she said is enough to show me that this was a one sided relationship and I was doing all the work with little to no reward as recompense. I'd be done with it. Know why? Because I have self respect. Because I have a far higher consideration for my self and my esteem than they do and to me, that has value. If she's too mean, stupid, stubborn, pride-filled, selfish or whatever to see that, then she needs to be sitting high atop the rubbish heap where she belongs. The question now is, am I the *******? How much do you expect with romantic gestures? Should I do them anyway even though I don't feel it will be appreciated? I would be nice for some more help. I feel like I ****ed up. Like I was just trying to voice my concerns with her but then she just turned herself off to me and didn't want to hear it anymore. I guess it's just because she's on vacation but this happens often. What do you guys think I should do? Should I have been more romantic? And here I go again: I feel like a piece of **** and I have never been good to her and I have no idea where the line is for me. Please if anyone could probe me a bit more it might help alot. I think many of us have been telling you that you need to get rid of her--why you refuse to consider our advice, but instead want us to give you a magic pill recipe to cook up and give her to flip her into someone she's not or ever going to be is the mystery of the ages. I don't think you need to be any more romantic or thoughtful to someone who spits on your efforts. If she can't muster appreciation for what you do, THEN FIND ANOTHER GIRL!!!!! 1
kendahke Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 . But why in the hell is it too much to ask for a calm response like "I'm sorry you feel that way, I can try but there are no guarantees". Why is it so hard to stop calling someone an idiot? Or not tell them they are so bored all the time? Because that is not who she is--and she's not going to become that person just because you want her to. You either accept who/what she is as she is or your bounce. You're trying to make her your renovation project--to turn her into someone she's not or never will be. She isn't about your happiness. Understand that and you will uncouple yourself from this crazy train. Also, can I get some opinions from women for this question: What do you expect or at least hope a man will do for you if you are dating him? What do you mean by "do for you"? Because that answer is "nothing, but be himself" because twisting yourself up to make someone else happy isn't sustainable. Eventually, you have to revert back to being the only person you can be--yourself. If who you are isn't good enough for someone, they need to go. Please learn that. 1
bummer Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 Yeah you should have mentioned your girlfriend knows you're getting close to another girl.... Are you here to validate you are the victim? Yes your gf is mean. We agree. Quit dragging this out for both of your sakes. The minute your gf returns sack up and end it.
tinkerbell16 Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 Maybe I should have mentioned this but my girlfriend already knows we hang out. And tbh I have little ego to speak of considering my current position. Really I told my girlfriend about her like I do with all girls I am with alone for any elongated period of time. Just so she knows what's up so no, I'm not planning on cheating on her but if I was being honest meeting this new girl gave me an insight to how I want to be treated in a relationship. Sure, if I were to just start dating her right after, I'm sure it wouldn't last but it would have to be better than this. Or atleast it should be. Did you tell your girlfriend you wanted to kiss this new girl over a romantic sunset???? Doubtful. She has no clue. Flip side she can't be all that bad if she has no issue TRUSTING you with female friendships. It's guys like you who turn girls into insecure girlfriends to future boyfriends. Cats away mise goes out to play. You are not a victim unless you allow yourself to be one. There is no such thing as getting a pass to cheat because your girlfriend is mean. That is some self justification bullsh*t. IF YOU DON'T LIKE HOW YOU ARE BEING TREATED TELL HER THAT AND END IT. 2
Author nickflick Posted June 22, 2016 Author Posted June 22, 2016 Did you tell your girlfriend you wanted to kiss this new girl over a romantic sunset???? Doubtful. She has no clue. Flip side she can't be all that bad if she has no issue TRUSTING you with female friendships. It's guys like you who turn girls into insecure girlfriends to future boyfriends. Cats away mise goes out to play. You are not a victim unless you allow yourself to be one. There is no such thing as getting a pass to cheat because your girlfriend is mean. That is some self justification bullsh*t. IF YOU DON'T LIKE HOW YOU ARE BEING TREATED TELL HER THAT AND END IT. Wow, you are assuming alot here. Ok first off, I was just suggesting how I felt in that situation, I have enough integrity as well as self control not to cheat. Calm down. It was just an observation I made for Christ sake. Secondly, I wasn't looking for a pass to cheat so much as a reassurance that my relationship is a bad one or a good one. So you're very helpful. So I'll let her know my feelings on the issue and see what she says on the matter when she returns from vacation. And besides, the new girl knows I have a girlfriend and just wanted to be friends anyway, so we're just friends, which is good. I was afraid she wouldn't want to be considering my experience with people only being interested with me for a relationship. But nevertheless, thank you all for your help. It was nice to get some extra opinions on the matter. Some, if not all were exactly what my friends and family said so now I feel a little more comfortable making a decision. Cheers. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 It would just be nice to talk to her about these things but I always feel like I'm more to blame. Like I never know when she understands what I feel like. And it frustrates me when she says something like "I can change" which is fine considering folks don't really change. But why in the hell is it too much to ask for a calm response like "I'm sorry you feel that way, I can try but there are no guarantees" Like I'm ok with that like you acknowledge that something hurt me. But I suppose she's just done with telling me this. We've been through something similar where's she's told me something more or less along the lines of what I wanted her to say above. Why is it so hard to stop calling someone an idiot? Or not tell them they are so bored all the time? I never told her I was bored because I always felt that was rude. Also, can I get some opinions from women for this question: What do you expect or at least hope a man will do for you if you are dating him? sounds like huge communication issues....and it doesnt seem like she is willing to come to the table whereas you are......you may just eb on two different pages and stages.....and she isnt respectful..... and that is what i would hope for in any relationship i am in that a guy would be honest and respectful anytime any place and always..i would hope a guy i was with would be able to be honest with me if i were to do something he didnt like or didnt want in a relationship as i would want to be honest and be able to communicate issues that arise in a relationship i was in...not just bad things either...but also appreciation for the thoughtful and the good..... when i have had communication issues in my relationships they normally involved deceit.......affection is important to me....but communication trumps it for me....it needs to be solid and consistent......i cant handle guys who cant communicate what makes them happy or unhappy....or dishonesty in communication(saying its alright when it isnt).....deb
tinkerbell16 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Wow, you are assuming alot here. Ok first off, I was just suggesting how I felt in that situation, I have enough integrity as well as self control not to cheat. Calm down. It was just an observation I made for Christ sake. Secondly, I wasn't looking for a pass to cheat so much as a reassurance that my relationship is a bad one or a good one. So you're very helpful. So I'll let her know my feelings on the issue and see what she says on the matter when she returns from vacation. And besides, the new girl knows I have a girlfriend and just wanted to be friends anyway, so we're just friends, which is good. I was afraid she wouldn't want to be considering my experience with people only being interested with me for a relationship. But nevertheless, thank you all for your help. It was nice to get some extra opinions on the matter. Some, if not all were exactly what my friends and family said so now I feel a little more comfortable making a decision. Cheers. The reality no on can a accurately guage whether your relationship is a good or bad one based on limited information you provide here. There are always two sides/perspectives if you will to every story. On one hand your discription of her sounds abusive and cruel, yet on the other hand you stayed for four years and told her in your last conversation that you loved her so either this a Stockholm type of relationship or there is more that isn't being shared (which is reasonable given you have been together 4 years). Obviously I feel strongly about cheating as a "solution" to a relationship problem. Reading your posts... I admittedly assumed you had romantic intentions with the new girl, not only because of what you said but because if your intentions where strictly friendship there would have been zero reason to even mention her at all. You may be looking at your relationship under a microscope given you are feeling trapped facing moving in together. I don't know. It just seems like it is way more complex than your girlfriend speaks to you abusively. I wish you luck and clarity... and sorry I spelled mice wrong. Lol my impassioned response overshadowed my grammar 1
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