Should I keep dating her?

June 21, 2016

Ok so this is going to be relatively long but I've asked friends and family for advice and I thought I'd give this a try.

So I've been dating this girl since high school and we've been together for about 4 years give or take a month or two when she needed a break or we broke up. We are together now and she seems to be happy with me and I thought I was happy with her. However, our relationship is one I'm afraid to classify as a bad one but I feel like it is.

I feel like I'm always scrutinized for everything. The way I dress, to how I eat, to the way I think or talk; all scrutinized by my current girlfriend. And she does it "jokingly", for example, she often cuts me off when she either doesn't care or is tired of me explaining something too verbosely. I never want to talk about technology because she just doesn't listen or says she doesn't care. To some degree I can understand this with anyone; you'd be hard pressed to find anybody willing to talk about technology for as much as I will talk about it. However, I've never had an experience with any friends where they've up and told me to shut up or stop talking about it.

The verbal stuff is what get's me though.

"Don't be an idiot"

"Thats so stupid"

"You're dumb"

And they are all said in various different situations. This has been going on since we have been dating and got worse I feel the older we got. The worse part is I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've talked to her about it and we both concluded that its just part of her personality. She's very blunt about things and doesn't often take **** from people. So when I get this verbal stuff she tells me something along the lines of "It would be easier if you had more confidence in yourself" and wants me to fight back if I think that she's gone overboard. Clearly to some degree she cares. However, I don't want to fight back and say "**** You" all the time when she says I look like a dork and I should fix my style or something. I do wanna feel good about myself and how I look so why not have her pick out some clothes that she thinks I would look good in? And you know what? I did feel pretty good after we went to the store! But did I sacrifice my integrity by succumbing to the notion that I don't look that good?

The other major thing is driving. I"M ****ING TERRIFIED OF DRIVING HER ANYWHERE. The problem is she gets nervous when someone else is driving the car so when I make a small mistake she flips out. When driving I often talk to myself to try and get a feel for whats going on, on the road. I picked it up from my dad and it makes me feel more comfortable when I'm driving. However, my girlfriend hates it because she thinks that means I'm not confident in my driving and as a result she isn't comfortable. To make matters worse, usually my mistakes earn me a helping of swearing and yelling making me MORE nervous than I was before. I've tried explain that it makes me more nervous to her but she just felt I need to be more confident in order to fix this problem.

The third biggest problem is me. To be fair, there is some truth to my lack of confidence. However, I feel this is a product of being beaten down in the relationship. "Being put into line", so to speak. Thus, I've accepted a lot of the flack because I either felt I deserved it or I could tolerate it. Also, I guess I've given up trying in this relationship a bit. I used to be more outgoing with things atleast as far as romance goes. Flowers, Candy, cute text messages; I tried my best to make this girl happy. However, after our first break-up it came to my attention that it was too much and I smothered her. So I tried to tone it down and eventually I did. I get that, I mean I was just out of high school at the time, I hadn't grown up really, but this was just a part of what made me be less outgoing. What really turned me this way was her "humor". She finds it cute when I try to do something romantic or say she's beautiful or something of the like. However, she always jokingly, rolls her eyes and/or scoffs and she never appreciates it when i do it sincerely. So then I never want to do it to have her act that way in front of me and make me feel like a fool.

So that's the background, this is what I need your help on, guys.

There's this new girl I met at my school for a research program. She's funny, she loves science, loves music, is gorgeous, and is single and presumably interested in me. She wanted me to show her around the town last Friday because she's not from around from where I live so we went to comic book stores, the book store, got dinner and went to the park where when I suggested we go watch the sunset together. AND SHE SAID YES. She literally accepted my request to do something stereotypically romantic and cute as we sat close to each other and talked about anything we could think of. Also, it had been so long since I had talked to a girl or anyone for that matter about science and nerd things and felt completely comfortable about it. She had made me feel as if she wanted my company; with my girlfriend now she could take it or leave it.

And if I'm being honest, there was a high probability that I would have tried kissing her. I'm glad I didn't considering whats going on now though.

Now my girlfriend is on vacation with her family and tells me how much she misses me and how much she wishes I was there with her. This sort of affection isn't new to me and of course she's not a bitch, I hope my description didn't contribute to that too much. Sometimes she's kind, cute, and she tells me how much she loves me(even after sex, mind you;)), make me feel special (as I hope I do for her vice versa) and I'll feel great but recently shes been trying to get me to move in with her and I think about all of the things I've told you about, thus I'm not sure if I want to do that. I don't want to feel like a fool with her two other roommates when she thinks its funny to scoff at my attempts to be cute or funny. I don't want to feel like **** and I feel like if I move in with her I'll feel trapped. :'(

I've planned to hang out with this new girl this Friday to try and see how good of a friend she could be and if she could be more.

But I'm having so much trouble deciding. So, after telling you my story I leave that up to you guys to decide. I need honest good responses to these questions.

Should I break up with my girlfriend?

-If so should I or can I at least share a few more sunsets with this other girl?

What could I have done wrong? Could I be guilty to some degree?

(Probe me with questions if need more information to guide your answer)

Please help, I need to make sure I get this right. Ultimately, I just want to be happy

Thank You

Edited June 21, 2016 by nickflick

June 21, 2016

What you should do is ultimately something only you can--and should--decide.

Just keep in mind that whomever you pick at any point in your life, there will always be someone who comes along who has some uniquely attractive attributes that might outshine those of your chosen woman.

Also keep in mind that everyone looks more ideal the less you know them, especially when they are externally attractive and, when you start getting to know them, seem genuinely nice, to boot.

But no matter whom you chose to build a long-term partnership with, there will be flaws and there will be problems with your relationship. Right now you're comparing a woman and a relationship with known problems, to a woman and the *possibility* of a relationship whose problems you have yet to know. This kind of comparing is where the term, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence," comes from. Also the term, "Familiarity breeds contempt."

Life is a process of learning and growing and nothing has to be forever. But know also that problems tend to recur throughout your life and relationships until you learn to face them head-on. In this case, if you have issues with how your girlfriend speaks to you at times, you owe it to yourself and to her to really be clear with her about how much it bothers you. It's not just something you can take, it's something that will require some change on her part otherwise you can't see yourself living with it long-term. It sounds like you HAVE communicated with her about this issue...but have you driven home the reality that if something doesn't change, you don't know whether you can stay in the relationship? Sometimes people don't understand just how big a problem something is until they lose the relationship. And then they feel blindsided, because they didn't understand the magnitude of the impact they were having on the other person.

You have to dig deep here and decide how you *really* feel about your current girlfriend. The only concrete advice I'd give you is to refrain from spending time with this other woman until you are REALLY clear within yourself about how you feel about your girlfriend. To try to figure this out while basking in the hormones and hope and promise of a new liaison is a sure-fire guarantee that you will find you like the other, new woman better than your girlfriend, and it will be all under the guise of a huge hormone rush, which will soon pass, and may leave you realizing that you didn't assess things clearly. That's unfair to you, and to your girlfriend. Put her first; after all, for now, at least, you chose to commit to her. That commitment may no longer serve you, but you have to come to that realization without the influence of a new attraction on the horizon. You'll be glad of that down the road, I promise.

Hope this helped at least a little. These kinds of decisions and self-explorations are really challenging, and it's good that you've reached out here as well as to friends and family. You sound like a lovely, caring guy who will make the right decision for you at the time.

June 21, 2016

Ok so this is going to be relatively long but I've asked friends and family for advice and I thought I'd give this a try.

So I've been dating this girl since high school and we've been together for about 4 years give or take a month or two when she needed a break or we broke up. We are together now and she seems to be happy with me and I thought I was happy with her. However, our relationship is one I'm afraid to classify as a bad one but I feel like it is.

I feel like I'm always scrutinized for everything. The way I dress, to how I eat, to the way I think or talk; all scrutinized by my current girlfriend. And she does it "jokingly", for example, she often cuts me off when she either doesn't care or is tired of me explaining something too verbosely. I never want to talk about technology because she just doesn't listen or says she doesn't care. To some degree I can understand this with anyone; you'd be hard pressed to find anybody willing to talk about technology for as much as I will talk about it. However, I've never had an experience with any friends where they've up and told me to shut up or stop talking about it.

The verbal stuff is what get's me though.

"Don't be an idiot"
"Thats so stupid"
"You're dumb"

And they are all said in various different situations. This has been going on since we have been dating and got worse I feel the older we got. The worse part is I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've talked to her about it and we both concluded that its just part of her personality. She's very blunt about things and doesn't often take **** from people. So when I get this verbal stuff she tells me something along the lines of "It would be easier if you had more confidence in yourself" and wants me to fight back if I think that she's gone overboard. Clearly to some degree she cares. However, I don't want to fight back and say "**** You" all the time when she says I look like a dork and I should fix my style or something. I do wanna feel good about myself and how I look so why not have her pick out some clothes that she thinks I would look good in? And you know what? I did feel pretty good after we went to the store! But did I sacrifice my integrity by succumbing to the notion that I don't look that good?

The other major thing is driving. I"M ****ING TERRIFIED OF DRIVING HER ANYWHERE. The problem is she gets nervous when someone else is driving the car so when I make a small mistake she flips out. When driving I often talk to myself to try and get a feel for whats going on, on the road. I picked it up from my dad and it makes me feel more comfortable when I'm driving. However, my girlfriend hates it because she thinks that means I'm not confident in my driving and as a result she isn't comfortable. To make matters worse, usually my mistakes earn me a helping of swearing and yelling making me MORE nervous than I was before. I've tried explain that it makes me more nervous to her but she just felt I need to be more confident in order to fix this problem.

The third biggest problem is me. To be fair, there is some truth to my lack of confidence. However, I feel this is a product of being beaten down in the relationship. "Being put into line", so to speak. Thus, I've accepted a lot of the flack because I either felt I deserved it or I could tolerate it. Also, I guess I've given up trying in this relationship a bit. I used to be more outgoing with things atleast as far as romance goes. Flowers, Candy, cute text messages; I tried my best to make this girl happy. However, after our first break-up it came to my attention that it was too much and I smothered her. So I tried to tone it down and eventually I did. I get that, I mean I was just out of high school at the time, I hadn't grown up really, but this was just a part of what made me be less outgoing. What really turned me this way was her "humor". She finds it cute when I try to do something romantic or say she's beautiful or something of the like. However, she always jokingly, rolls her eyes and/or scoffs and she never appreciates it when i do it sincerely. So then I never want to do it to have her act that way in front of me and make me feel like a fool.

So that's the background, this is what I need your help on, guys.

There's this new girl I met at my school for a research program. She's funny, she loves science, loves music, is gorgeous, and is single and presumably interested in me. She wanted me to show her around the town last Friday because she's not from around from where I live so we went to comic book stores, the book store, got dinner and went to the park where when I suggested we go watch the sunset together. AND SHE SAID YES. She literally accepted my request to do something stereotypically romantic and cute as we sat close to each other and talked about anything we could think of. Also, it had been so long since I had talked to a girl or anyone for that matter about science and nerd things and felt completely comfortable about it. She had made me feel as if she wanted my company; with my girlfriend now she could take it or leave it.

And if I'm being honest, there was a high probability that I would have tried kissing her. I'm glad I didn't considering whats going on now though.

Now my girlfriend is on vacation with her family and tells me how much she misses me and how much she wishes I was there with her. This sort of affection isn't new to me and of course she's not a bitch, I hope my description didn't contribute to that too much. Sometimes she's kind, cute, and she tells me how much she loves me(even after sex, mind you;)), make me feel special (as I hope I do for her vice versa) and I'll feel great but recently shes been trying to get me to move in with her and I think about all of the things I've told you about, thus I'm not sure if I want to do that. I don't want to feel like a fool with her two other roommates when she thinks its funny to scoff at my attempts to be cute or funny. I don't want to feel like **** and I feel like if I move in with her I'll feel trapped. :'(

I've planned to hang out with this new girl this Friday to try and see how good of a friend she could be and if she could be more.

But I'm having so much trouble deciding. So, after telling you my story I leave that up to you guys to decide. I need honest good responses to these questions.

Should I break up with my girlfriend?
-If so should I or can I at least share a few more sunsets with this other girl?

What could I have done wrong? Could I be guilty to some degree?
(Probe me with questions if need more information to guide your answer)

Please help, I need to make sure I get this right. Ultimately, I just want to be happy

Thank You

You are feeling low and you are seeking validation from another girl. Don't think for one minute a relationship with this new girl would be any better 4 years down the road than the one you are in. The only difference is newness. You are not testing how much of a friend this new girl can be... Your EGO is screaming to be stroked and if she gives the slightest pass you will end up full blown cheating. You are feeling trapped (your words). You may not be ready to advance your relationship to move in status but be honest with your girlfriend and break up. Maybe time apart will actually help you both gain perspective and you will learn to value one another or learn you are better off apart. But don't cheat. Karman from cheating can be a real bit*h and your girlfriend may very well end up becoming "the one that got away".

Edited June 21, 2016 by tinkerbell16

June 21, 2016

I feel like I'm always scrutinized for everything. The way I dress, to how I eat, to the way I think or talk; all scrutinized by my current girlfriend. And she does it "jokingly", for example, she often cuts me off when she either doesn't care or is tired of me explaining something too verbosely.
The verbal stuff is what get's me though.

"Don't be an idiot"
"Thats so stupid"
"You're dumb"

And they are all said in various different situations. This has been going on since we have been dating and got worse I feel the older we got. The worse part is I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've talked to her about it and we both concluded that its just part of her personality.

Me, personally, I don't care about the rest of what you wrote. I don't care how hot she is, I don't care if her tits are huge and she has a killer tight body, I don't care if rainbows shot out of her pussy when I ****ed her.

I would not put up with that condescending, demeaning type of attitude.

Do you know her mom, have you spent time around her mom and dad? I bet her mom treats her dad the same way. Do you want to live like that??

HELL NO

Should I break up with my girlfriend?

HELL YEAH. Even if you don't have something lined up

-If so should I or can I at least share a few more sunsets with this other girl?

How is the sex? Maybe continue banging her until you line up something else, then bolt...

Distance yourself, dish some of it back to her

What could I have done wrong? Could I be guilty to some degree?

Probably not, she's probably just a real bitch... you got caught up in the easy lay and stuck with it because you have low confidence and dont know any better

Please help, I need to make sure I get this right. Ultimately, I just want to be happy

Your happiness is paramount, leave the witch

Let me say one more thing

She's very blunt about things and doesn't often take **** from people.

There's a HUGE difference between being direct, or blunt, and being a condescending bitch...

June 21, 2016

"Don't be an idiot"

"Thats so stupid"

"You're dumb"

I would not have any type of relationship with someone telling me these things.

Today she says it to you, tomorrow she'll say it to your children.

June 21, 2016

Ok so this is going to be relatively long but I've asked friends and family for advice and I thought I'd give this a try.

So I've been dating this girl since high school and we've been together for about 4 years give or take a month or two when she needed a break or we broke up. We are together now and she seems to be happy with me and I thought I was happy with her. However, our relationship is one I'm afraid to classify as a bad one but I feel like it is.

I feel like I'm always scrutinized for everything. The way I dress, to how I eat, to the way I think or talk; all scrutinized by my current girlfriend. And she does it "jokingly", for example, she often cuts me off when she either doesn't care or is tired of me explaining something too verbosely. I never want to talk about technology because she just doesn't listen or says she doesn't care. To some degree I can understand this with anyone; you'd be hard pressed to find anybody willing to talk about technology for as much as I will talk about it. However, I've never had an experience with any friends where they've up and told me to shut up or stop talking about it.

The verbal stuff is what get's me though.

"Don't be an idiot"
"Thats so stupid"
"You're dumb"

This is as far as I got.

You need to dump her. It really doesn't take a dissertation for you to understand that nothing you do will ever be satisfactory to her. She is a drain. This is how things will be for as long as you elect to deal with her.

There is nothing any of us can tell you that will snap her into being a different person. You deal with what you have or you don't deal at all.

Really. Life is way too short for this BS. Let her be Debby Downer on her own time. Meanwhile, you go find you a lovely, nerdy tech girl who loves to talk tech til times get better.

June 21, 2016

Dump her, she needs some time alone to think about the way she treats people.

Don't date the new girl until you have officially broken up, it's only right.

June 21, 2016

What you should do is ultimately something only you can--and should--decide.

Just keep in mind that whomever you pick at any point in your life, there will always be someone who comes along who has some uniquely attractive attributes that might outshine those of your chosen woman.

Also keep in mind that everyone looks more ideal the less you know them, especially when they are externally attractive and, when you start getting to know them, seem genuinely nice, to boot.

But no matter whom you chose to build a long-term partnership with, there will be flaws and there will be problems with your relationship. Right now you're comparing a woman and a relationship with known problems, to a woman and the *possibility* of a relationship whose problems you have yet to know. This kind of comparing is where the term, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence," comes from. Also the term, "Familiarity breeds contempt."

Life is a process of learning and growing and nothing has to be forever. But know also that problems tend to recur throughout your life and relationships until you learn to face them head-on. In this case, if you have issues with how your girlfriend speaks to you at times, you owe it to yourself and to her to really be clear with her about how much it bothers you. It's not just something you can take, it's something that will require some change on her part otherwise you can't see yourself living with it long-term. It sounds like you HAVE communicated with her about this issue...but have you driven home the reality that if something doesn't change, you don't know whether you can stay in the relationship? Sometimes people don't understand just how big a problem something is until they lose the relationship. And then they feel blindsided, because they didn't understand the magnitude of the impact they were having on the other person.

You have to dig deep here and decide how you *really* feel about your current girlfriend. The only concrete advice I'd give you is to refrain from spending time with this other woman until you are REALLY clear within yourself about how you feel about your girlfriend. To try to figure this out while basking in the hormones and hope and promise of a new liaison is a sure-fire guarantee that you will find you like the other, new woman better than your girlfriend, and it will be all under the guise of a huge hormone rush, which will soon pass, and may leave you realizing that you didn't assess things clearly. That's unfair to you, and to your girlfriend. Put her first; after all, for now, at least, you chose to commit to her. That commitment may no longer serve you, but you have to come to that realization without the influence of a new attraction on the horizon. You'll be glad of that down the road, I promise.

Hope this helped at least a little. These kinds of decisions and self-explorations are really challenging, and it's good that you've reached out here as well as to friends and family. You sound like a lovely, caring guy who will make the right decision for you at the time.

Thank you for the quick responses eveyone! I guess I'm having difficulty now trying to determine whether or not the verbal stuff is something I should just get thicker skin for? I mean would you or anyone you know happen to know of a relationship like this? Also, I know that dating this new girl may probably never last past a few months considering she has to go back to her home college but I need to figure out whether or not I'd be willing to leave my girlfriend and then regret it after new girl and I (assuming that we got together) break-up. The second time out of two that my girlfriend broke up with me, I stopped texting her and talking to her then eventually she texted me back wanting to get back together. Specifically, she said the issues she had with me or together in the relationship were easily fixable. I certainly did try improving trying to make her feel special but that feeling always wilted when she did that "I don't really like you" *fake eye roll* crap. Can't say "You look beautiful" without her rolling her eyes.It was cute before but its been 4 years; the joke is really wearing on me and I'm starting to feel like she doesn't actually appreciate when I do something sometimes. I don't expect appreciation all the time, but I do feel sort of defeated when I try hard enough to impress her. It kind of sucks because then I feel like a chump With that and the verbal stuff, could you categorize this as abuse? Or do I need a thicker skin?

June 21, 2016

I mean would you or anyone you know happen to know of a relationship like this?

yeah--my ex and his ex. She was exactly like this. It got to the point where he had to leave her before he lost his temper and assaulted her. Absolutely nothing he did ever pleased her--pretty much what your girlfriend is saying to you. He said their home was a constant battle ground and he hated the fact that he loved a woman he didn't like and couldn't get along with.

Why do you think you deserve to be talked down to like this?

June 21, 2016

yeah--my ex and his ex. She was exactly like this. It got to the point where he had to leave her before he lost his temper and assaulted her. Absolutely nothing he did ever pleased her--pretty much what your girlfriend is saying to you. He said their home was a constant battle ground and he hated the fact that he loved a woman he didn't like and couldn't get along with.

Why do you think you deserve to be talked down to like this?

I guess I really don't think I deserve it but I might have thought that maybe its just how she is and maybe she really cares about me she just acts that way as a defensive mechanism which would make alot of sense considering shes very bad with sharing emotions with me sometimes.

June 21, 2016

I guess I really don't think I deserve it but I might have thought that maybe its just how she is and maybe she really cares about me she just acts that way as a defensive mechanism which would make alot of sense considering shes very bad with sharing emotions with me sometimes.

It's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you. What do her actions tell you?

June 22, 2016

It's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you. What do her actions tell you?

Well, I guess my next question would be what kind of actions? She tells me what to do alot and if I don't do it I'm an *******. Usually never a please or thank you with any of these requests. But she always wants to hang out whenever she can or wants to it seems like. She always wants to go out on more dates rather than just hanging out. I get that though; she wants this to be treated as more than a friendship but sometimes I'm strapped for cash and I can't.

But I don't know if she respects me, like I've been in several situations wheres shes tried to make fun of me in front of friends. The verbal stuff I've talked to her about before and she gives the excuse that its just her personality. I'm tired of being called an idiot for taking a left instead of a right when we are driving or something happens where I misunderstood something and it's all my fault for not assuming the "obvious".

Let me give you an example I actually just remembered. Not too serious but it did spark my ire a bit and will give you an idea of whether or not this is too much. I was walking around her parents house when I tripped over the little stool that was in front of me. I suppose I should have looked where I was going but when the stool fell all I heard from my girlfriend watching on the couch was "You ****ing idiot, can you for once get your head out of your ass?!" and I responded with "Jesus calm down" and she said "Well, stop being an idiot." Just little mistakes and I feel like I'm being berated ten-fold

Needless to say I felt like **** and naturally I didn't want to say "**** you" with her parents upstairs.

So do I need to get a thicker skin or is this bad?

June 22, 2016

Well, I guess my next question would be what kind of actions? She tells me what to do alot and if I don't do it I'm an *******. Usually never a please or thank you with any of these requests. But she always wants to hang out whenever she can or wants to it seems like. She always wants to go out on more dates rather than just hanging out. I get that though; she wants this to be treated as more than a friendship but sometimes I'm strapped for cash and I can't.

But I don't know if she respects me, like I've been in several situations wheres shes tried to make fun of me in front of friends. The verbal stuff I've talked to her about before and she gives the excuse that its just her personality. I'm tired of being called an idiot for taking a left instead of a right when we are driving or something happens where I misunderstood something and it's all my fault for not assuming the "obvious".

Let me give you an example I actually just remembered. Not too serious but it did spark my ire a bit and will give you an idea of whether or not this is too much. I was walking around her parents house when I tripped over the little stool that was in front of me. I suppose I should have looked where I was going but when the stool fell all I heard from my girlfriend watching on the couch was "You ****ing idiot, can you for once get your head out of your ass?!" and I responded with "Jesus calm down" and she said "Well, stop being an idiot." Just little mistakes and I feel like I'm being berated ten-fold

Needless to say I felt like **** and naturally I didn't want to say "**** you" with her parents upstairs.

So do I need to get a thicker skin or is this bad?

Ok let me rephrase. Are you getting what YOU want out of this relationship? You only talk about doing what she wants you to do.

June 22, 2016

But I don't know if she respects me...

Needless to say I felt like **** and naturally I didn't want to say "**** you" with her parents upstairs.

So do I need to get a thicker skin or is this bad?

This is abuse. Awful terrible abuse. How do her parents behave together? Where is she emulating these habits from? You're mad pussy whipped and like someone said, if unicorns and a pot of gold also fell out of her rainbow shooting pussy I would still leave. Run, Forrest, run!

June 22, 2016

Ok let me rephrase. Are you getting what YOU want out of this relationship? You only talk about doing what she wants you to do.

I guess I don't know. Originally, I wanted to be happy with her because she and I understood each other and care for each other. We don't want the other person to feel like crap. So we love each other. But I think she doesn't understand how the way she treats me, makes me feel. Maybe she thinks I'm just going to deal with it.

I'm going to talk to her about it and ask if she can change or at least not berate me to the level she ha and if she can't I've pretty much found my answer. Emotionally, I don't want to tolerate it any more, I hate feeling like an idiot.

June 22, 2016

Hi NickFlick,

This sounds like an confusing situation. It sounds like you have a tough decision to make. I know that when I have had these situations I always try to think that if it were me in the other person's shoes, how would I want to be treated. In this case, maybe honesty is the best policy. Could you share your feelings (what you have shared in this post) with your girlfriend and then make a decision? Maybe afer that conversation you would have some clarity regarding which route you should take. I am wishing you the best!

June 22, 2016

have you ever had a full on talk to this gf of yours about her behaviors and how they make you feel like the relationship needs to end because you are not happy...that you view her behaviors as tiresome and as an end to the relationship.....someone told me a long long time ago that people will treat you how you allow them too..in part...i agree with this......and in part i dont.....the dont part is where you tell them hey dont abuse me and they continue to abuse you till you leave..i dont think that is allowing abuse i think i tis them nto caring what you accept..but i guess that is allowing it if you stay and continue to let them abuse you......

whatever the case is cheating on gf good or bad gf is wrong on your behalf...two wrongs dont make a right.....

your comment about seeing sunsets with this other girl and then making a decision...is wrong to both girls.....and wrong for you...shows a fear of being alone a bit.....

i feel that you should talk to your gf see if she is willing to change her behaviors...and if not....you walk away.....but you walk away to have time to build your confidence up before going into another relationship...take time to heal ....and get some therapy.....it will possibly help you define boundaries and keep them...also for you to know what is abuse...and what is not..verbal and or physical abuse is classed as domestic violence..therapy will help you see and notice red flags in the futures...like short tempers......in any case

whatever you decide to do...it must be your decision and not anyone on here to make your decision for you that also includes your friends or your family or either girl for that matter.......you must make your own decision and stand firm..learn to follow your own instincts ...your own heart...your own mind......this will help you in any future relationships to make informed decisions yourself and be confident when you make them.....i wish you well....deb....

June 22, 2016

I think I'm going to have to have a full conversation with her. What I'm going to do is still treat this Friday as if we were friends like I did last time.(I was really only looking for a friend anyway, but I had such a good time here we are)

Then when my girlfriend gets back I'm going to explain to her how I feel in this situation then I think that should give me the answers I need.

June 22, 2016

****. So I talked to her on the phone just now. We weren't talking too much but I didn't really have anything to add really but it was really nice to hear her voice. Then she just sighs and says something to the tune of "I forgot you aren't very romantic that's why I'm getting bored" And this actually really ticked me off. I don't think I yelled at her but I pleaded with her that the reason I don't anymore is because it feels like she doesn't appreciate it anymore. To which she responds with "I'm never going to change" and something along the lines of "Then don't try to be romantic". I hate this because I don't think she realizes how that makes me feel. Again I feel like a ****ing chump. Then she acts all annoyed then says I'm going to bed then does the usual thing where she acts like she doesn't care. So when she says she's going to bed I say "I love you babe good night" and responds with "Yeah" and hangs up.

The question now is, am I the *******? How much do you expect with romantic gestures? Should I do them anyway even though I don't feel it will be appreciated?

I would be nice for some more help. I feel like I ****ed up. Like I was just trying to voice my concerns with her but then she just turned herself off to me and didn't want to hear it anymore. I guess it's just because she's on vacation but this happens often. What do you guys think I should do? Should I have been more romantic? And here I go again: I feel like a piece of **** and I have never been good to her and I have no idea where the line is for me.

Please if anyone could probe me a bit more it might help alot.

June 22, 2016

You need to break up with her. She doesn't just lack respect, she has contempt. This has nothing to do with a lack of romance. Sure, you aren't perfect and there are things it would have been nice to have done differently in your relationship, but she is abusive. Ive been there. When I finally ended it I felt happy. I felt relief. Can you imagine calling someone you love stupid because they disappointed you? I can't and never would. But I tolerated it.

Don't. Dump her.

June 22, 2016

I'll repeat myself: you are expressing confused codependent behaviour. You are enabling an abusive person. you are not in a clear headspace and you're seeking validation from strangers who largely agree something must change.

This will be harsh, pull your balls out of your own mouth, give her a concrete answer that you will not remain in an abusive relationship. She will say whatever. You will go NC and mean it. She will try to contact you out of confusion wih passive aggressive crumbs. You won't see them because you've gone NC. When she gets back from vacation, she'll try some more, you'll ignore all of it because you've successfully gone NC. In a few weeks, ask sunset girl for a date.

Learn healthy boundaries. Don't be a doormat. You did nothing wrong. You are romantic but not to her because no one is nice to mean people, except codependent people who like their balls in their mouth.

I have been there to some extent recently also, so I know where my balls belong now.

Edited June 22, 2016 by bummer

June 22, 2016

****. So I talked to her on the phone just now. We weren't talking too much but I didn't really have anything to add really but it was really nice to hear her voice. Then she just sighs and says something to the tune of "I forgot you aren't very romantic that's why I'm getting bored" And this actually really ticked me off. I don't think I yelled at her but I pleaded with her that the reason I don't anymore is because it feels like she doesn't appreciate it anymore. To which she responds with "I'm never going to change" and something along the lines of "Then don't try to be romantic". I hate this because I don't think she realizes how that makes me feel. Again I feel like a ****ing chump. Then she acts all annoyed then says I'm going to bed then does the usual thing where she acts like she doesn't care. So when she says she's going to bed I say "I love you babe good night" and responds with "Yeah" and hangs up.

The question now is, am I the *******? How much do you expect with romantic gestures? Should I do them anyway even though I don't feel it will be appreciated?

I would be nice for some more help. I feel like I ****ed up. Like I was just trying to voice my concerns with her but then she just turned herself off to me and didn't want to hear it anymore. I guess it's just because she's on vacation but this happens often. What do you guys think I should do? Should I have been more romantic? And here I go again: I feel like a piece of **** and I have never been good to her and I have no idea where the line is for me.

Please if anyone could probe me a bit more it might help alot.

Your fault. You let her treat you like a third class nobody begging for a handout. She insults you, runs you down, shows little respect, and came right out and told you that she has no intentions of changing her ways so in other words, her way or the highway.

With her it's now a habit because you let her get away with it for so long and I'd bet the house that if someone talked and treated her like that she would be whining to beat all. Two to one that she can dish it out but wouldn't be able to take it.

Look you want to be treated like a doormat then your with the right girl. If it's me I let her know that until she gets a attitude check and learns how to respect people and their feelings to take it someplace else.

She's selfish and a has no manners or respect except for herself so when you see her, let her know in a way that she knows your as serious as you've ever been and lay it on the line. No one should have to be treated like that. It's ignorance at it's highest so stop taking it.

June 22, 2016

It would just be nice to talk to her about these things but I always feel like I'm more to blame. Like I never know when she understands what I feel like. And it frustrates me when she says something like "I can change" which is fine considering folks don't really change. But why in the hell is it too much to ask for a calm response like "I'm sorry you feel that way, I can try but there are no guarantees" Like I'm ok with that like you acknowledge that something hurt me. But I suppose she's just done with telling me this. We've been through something similar where's she's told me something more or less along the lines of what I wanted her to say above. Why is it so hard to stop calling someone an idiot? Or not tell them they are so bored all the time? I never told her I was bored because I always felt that was rude.

Also, can I get some opinions from women for this question: What do you expect or at least hope a man will do for you if you are dating him?

June 22, 2016

Your fault. You let her treat you like a third class nobody begging for a handout. She insults you, runs you down, shows little respect, and came right out and told you that she has no intentions of changing her ways so in other words, her way or the highway.

With her it's now a habit because you let her get away with it for so long and I'd bet the house that if someone talked and treated her like that she would be whining to beat all. Two to one that she can dish it out but wouldn't be able to take it.

Look you want to be treated like a doormat then your with the right girl. If it's me I let her know that until she gets a attitude check and learns how to respect people and their feelings to take it someplace else.

She's selfish and a has no manners or respect except for herself so when you see her, let her know in a way that she knows your as serious as you've ever been and lay it on the line. No one should have to be treated like that. It's ignorance at it's highest so stop taking it.

True, and I don't think she'll give a **** even though I'll try to be serious about it. Now I just feel like extra baggage she just wants around.

June 22, 2016

When she replied, "I'm never going to change," that was your opportunity to say, "Yeah, I can see that now as well and it isn't good enough for me anymore. I don't think we should be together because I want someone in my life who will appreciate me and not put me down. Goodbye."

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