basil67 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Being together in public is a fair expectation at this point. What is stopping it from happening? Does she know that being seen in public together and being bf/gf is only a step towards the future. It's not like an actual commitment for the future.
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 How much time do you spend together? Does she ever refer to the future with you? Has she said she wants to get married in the future? We're together at least 3 days out of the week lately. Not the long term future, but things a month or two away, yes. Yes, she has told me she wants to get married and have a family someday.
basil67 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Yes, we go on dates. She has met my friends, but not any family. I have not met any of her friends, but we have a lot of mutual friends. Yes, I consider 10 weeks as courtship phase. But, like I said, it's nearing the relationship phase for me anyway. And I told her that. Sorry, I cross posted with you. Ignore my last post (if we haven't already cross posted again LOL) Does she know that being in a relationship is quite different to committing to a future together? Being in a relationship happens before making a commitment.
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Being together in public is a fair expectation at this point. What is stopping it from happening? Does she know that being seen in public together and being bf/gf is only a step towards the future. It's not like an actual commitment for the future. She says that being bf/gf brings with it a lot of things she's not ready for yet. Like meeting family, potential for marriage, etc. Said she wasn't ready to make a decision like that just yet.
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Sleepovers? Good sexual chemistry? Yes sleepovers. As far as I can tell, yes. We have not had sex yet but have done everything but. She says that she takes sex seriously.
VeveCakes Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Seriously as in waiting for commitment? Might want to ask a few questions and see what her ideal timeline is for a relationship, that might help give you some insight.
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Sorry, I cross posted with you. Ignore my last post (if we haven't already cross posted again LOL) Does she know that being in a relationship is quite different to committing to a future together? Being in a relationship happens before making a commitment. I'm not sure that she differentiates between the two...as far as I can tell, she thinks that being in a relationship equates to committing to at least somewhat of a future together. I think she is kind of freaking out about getting older and doesn't want to waste anymore time with a relationship that doesn't work. Or something.
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Seriously as in waiting for commitment? Might want to ask a few questions and see what her ideal timeline is for a relationship, that might help give you some insight. Yes, doesn't want to have sex with someone she's not in a relationship with I think. We've discussed it a little bit. She has told me that she's rushed into relationships before and it hasn't worked out. She doesn't want to make the same mistake again. I did ask her recently at what point I could call her my girlfriend. I think it caught her off guard. She said she didn't know...just whenever she felt it was right.
BlueIris Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) Yes, we go on dates. She has met my friends, but not any family. I have not met any of her friends, but we have a lot of mutual friends. Yes, I consider 10 weeks as courtship phase. But, like I said, it's nearing the relationship phase for me anyway. And I told her that. Ok. Well, I consider being exclusive the same as being in the relationship stage. you have each committed to each other in that you're not seeing anyone else or looking for anyone else. She's promised you that and you've promised her that. She isn't hiding you away. Your mutual friends know about you and have seen you together. I don't see anything wrong with not meeting family yet. It doesn't sound as though bumping into family in a social setting would pose a problem. Look back at your definitions for courtship and relationship. Even by your own definitions, they're the same. There isn't a bright line there. I think you're anxious without cause and you risk suffocating this relationship by wanting something that isn't definable. It looks like you REALLY like this woman, that you feel uncomfortable with that and that it makes you anxious so you want some kind of guarantee that, frankly, you really can't get. So try to not focus on the anxiety or uncertainty. Instead focus on how terrific this is, to like someone this much. It's good. Savor it. Enjoy it. Enjoy her. Set yourself a time frame in which you may not get anxious and just enjoy this. I suggest 16 weeks from today. Tell yourself that you will absolutely not allow yourself to think about steps or classifications. The irony of this is that this is actually the best and happiest way to be in a relationship- enjoy, appreciate, happy. Edited to add: If you don’t have a sexual relationship and don’t want to wait a full 6 months- or 3 or 4, that’s your call. I guess you have to decide how much you like her and whether you can or want to wait. Edited June 21, 2016 by BlueIris
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) Once again I'm compelled to ask your ages. Speaking as a woman, she's splitting hairs here and keeping you in a holding pattern until she decides you're worthy of investing in. Honestly, this sounds like the kind of thing my 17 year old and his friends do. Reinventing labels for relationships as they see fit. Personally I find it a tad ridiculous. In MY world, if you discuss being 'exclusive' it means you're 'official'. I mean, getting to know each other better and having deeper conversations is part of dating and being in a relationship and growing together as a couple! Is she looking to know every single detail about you, drain you of all your stories and secrets and THEN decide if you're worthy enough for her to crown you her 'boyfriend' ?? Give me a break. This is so childish I can barely hold back my sarcasm. OP, save your time and dignity and have the talk with her. Either way, until you know for certain where you stand with her don't get back online unless you're clear and open about dating other people and leaving your options open. Being shady and shifty won't help your karma. Good luck. Edited June 21, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle 2
BlueIris Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) Once again I'm compelled to ask your ages. Speaking as a woman, she's splitting hairs here and keeping you in a holding pattern until she decides you're worthy of investing in. Honestly, this sounds like the kind of thing my 17 year old and his friends do. Reinventing labels for relationships as they see fit. Personally I find it a tad ridiculous. In MY world, if you discuss being 'exclusive' it means you're 'official'. I mean, getting to know each other better and having deeper conversations is part of dating and being in a relationship and growing together as a couple! Is she looking to know every single detail about you, drain you of all your stories and secrets and THEN decide if you're worthy enough for her to crown you her 'boyfriend' ?? Give me a break. This is so childish I can barely hold back my sarcasm. OP, save your time and dignity and have the talk with her. Either way, until you know for certain where you stand with her don't get back online unless you're clear and open about dating other people and leaving your options open. Being shady and shifty won't help your karma. Good luck. Yes. I think it might have just come out, though- this is about when to have sex. Lots of twisting and parsing to get there, but I think that's it. he said this earlier: This. She has told me that, since she's in her late 20s, that she sees any relationship as a serious commitment that could result in marriage. She said she doesn't take that lightly and wants to get to know me on a deeper level before making any commitments like that. Edited June 21, 2016 by BlueIris
five2nine Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I was seeing my current bf for around 2 1/2 months and he wouldn't commit yet. Finally i brought up i wasn't okay with him talking to other girls or seeing anyone else. From the beginning he said he wasn't because he didn't like to talk to more than one at a time. It was up to me to trust that though. He asked me what I wanted and I said exclusivity. He agreed to it. Still wouldn't be my boyfriend though. I basically had to hang on for another month till he agreed to be my boyfriend. He was a bit lazy and didn't even delete his online profiles until a couple weeks ago when I said something about it even though he didn't have the apps anymore. Sooo...it's up to you whether you can trust this person and wait until they're ready. Personally I really liked him a lot so I didn't want to let go even if I was getting hurt potentially. It's been almost five months and going slower than how I feel about him but I'm still really happy and that's what matters. I still wonder in the back of my mind though if he will ever feel as strongly for me as I do for him.
basil67 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 With more information coming to hand, I do see why you're alarmed. Michelle ma Belle's most recent comments resonate strongly with me.
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 So you all think I'm possibly just a plan B or she's not appreciating me fully? Not sure what you're saying exactly. I'm 25, she's 27.
VeveCakes Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 So you all think I'm possibly just a plan B or she's not appreciating me fully? Not sure what you're saying exactly. I'm 25, she's 27. Can't speak for others, but most women want to be in a relationship with someone they are into. I have yet to meet one that is crazy about a guy but holds off becoming official. She's 27 not 47. She wants to get married etc one day. What is she waiting for? I think 10 weeks without sex is worrisome too, unless she is religious. That seems like a long time to wait especially if you are having sleep overs. I get the vibe of low interest, and I'm sorry I know that's not what you want to hear.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) So you all think I'm possibly just a plan B or she's not appreciating me fully? Not sure what you're saying exactly. I'm 25, she's 27. I can't speak for others but MY take on this is that she's stalling or at the very least very unsure which is why she's using word play to define what she's doing. I get it that sex is a big deal for some people but using words like 'exclusive' and 'official' but not in the same sentence like they hold some kind of magical power is laughable. So you're good enough to be exclusive with but not quite good enough to be official...hmm...think about it OP. This chick is looking for some kind of guarantee. Guess what? There are no guarantees!!! Even couples who fall head over heels with someone they feel is their soulmate end up in miserable marriages and/or divorced. This girl is looking for some kind of divine sign or at the very least for lightening to strike when in reality the only thing guaranteed is that there are no guarantees! Your call OP but if it were me dealing with this situation, I'd cut my losses and aim for someone who isn't so hard to please. Edited June 21, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle 1
basil67 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 So you all think I'm possibly just a plan B or she's not appreciating me fully? Not sure what you're saying exactly. I'm 25, she's 27. I don't think you're plan B. I think this is about her carting around waaaay too much baggage and setting unreasonable expectations. She seems to have no concept of going with the flow. 1
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Her take is that exclusivity is more of an agreed upon understanding between two people, but being together/official is being publicly together and putting the bf/gf label on it. I've had the thoughts you all are voicing. Low interest, stalling, etc. But she has told me that she wouldn't let me waste my time if she didn't think there was a possibility of a relationship. All I can do is trust that. She's very mature as far as these things have gone so far. To be honest, I think it's apparent she has commitment issues of some sort. But I'm telling you...I like this girl a lot. She's got pretty much everything I've ever looked for and I can see myself being with her for a very long time. That's the only thing that's making me pause about this whole situation and making me second guess cutting my losses and moving on. I'm just really confused about this whole thing.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Her take is that exclusivity is more of an agreed upon understanding between two people, but being together/official is being publicly together and putting the bf/gf label on it. I've had the thoughts you all are voicing. Low interest, stalling, etc. But she has told me that she wouldn't let me waste my time if she didn't think there was a possibility of a relationship. All I can do is trust that. She's very mature as far as these things have gone so far. To be honest, I think it's apparent she has commitment issues of some sort. But I'm telling you...I like this girl a lot. She's got pretty much everything I've ever looked for and I can see myself being with her for a very long time. That's the only thing that's making me pause about this whole situation and making me second guess cutting my losses and moving on. I'm just really confused about this whole thing. Well now you're confusing me. You start this thread because you clearly feel a disconnect with what she's doing and wanted advice on whether or not you should keep your options open while being 'exclusive' with her only to now gush about her after people validate your initial concerns? You are indeed confused. I've said what I had to say on the subject and stand by it. She has serious commitment issues which I'm pretty sure is visible from space but it's your time and energy and heart so...good luck. 1
MissBee Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 If you're in a relationship and feel the person is not committed, you're not at the same "stage," feel like you will get hurt, trust yourself. For a relationship to work, it HAS to be mutual. Both people need to be on the same page, want the same things, have BOTH feet in and are heading in the same direction. It rarely ends well when this is not the case, but you ignore it and then try to do these other things to make up for the obvious reality that you're on different pages. I've been there and done that and never has it ended well. If you feel they aren't where you are to the point that you have an escape plan (i.e. looking for other women on dating sites in case [likely when] things fall apart), then you really need to ask yourself what kind of relationship that is or if it's a relationship at all...you even put "dating" in quotations which emphasizes that this is a confused situation. Mutual, healthy relationships aren't like this. Some people want exclusivity, example, to know you are available to them only, even if they are not all the way in or don't want something committed and official. Instead of sticking around and then looking for other options, it's better to trust your judgment (and the reality: you are on 2 different pages) and pump the brakes by being honest and saying you want more and being prepared to walk if more cannot be given. Don't waste time ignoring or trying to avoid the inevitable. 1
SunBird Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I think she sounds like a great girl who knows her mind and is taking a mature approach to relationships. I guess if you really like her then patience is the only way to go. I get Michelle ma Belles point, sh e may be hoping for some kind of moment that isn't going to come, but I don't blame us for getting this way in our current society. We are surrounded by choices and 'shoulds' and disasters and happy endings and bombardment of fictional or non fictional drama through all our devices. All together they make it very hard to drown out and stick to focusing on how you feel yourself. This is probably where she has got caught up using terms like exclusive or otherwise. She needs to watch less american tv and just go with how she feels, as do you. Try to think less and just be. If after a few more months you are still moving at different speeds then maybe you are just incompatible or meeting at the wrong time in life. All these guys posting on here and saying that she is not interested in you is rubbish. She is being true to herself and honest with you which is so important. We also don't know anything else about her. She may have good reason to take her time, we are all different. You are only 25, relax and enjoy dating someone you really like. Hang in there, keep communicating with her and be true to how you feel inside you - never mind all this 'advice'! (ha ha, easier said than done huh, if only someone had all the answers). 1
Author coachjones Posted June 27, 2016 Author Posted June 27, 2016 Thought I had a double post but I guess I didn't... Anyway...we had a huge talk tonight and we ended things. My intuition was right - she was lukewarm about it and she acknowledged the fact that that wasn't fair to me. She was mature but we are no longer dating each other. Thanks for all the help! 1
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