coachjones Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) Hear me out... Been "dating" a girl since about early April. We established exclusivity late May, but haven't made things "official". She has said that she distinguishes between the two. All that is well and good, but I have told her I'm ready to commit and be with her. She told me she's not ready, that she'd like to get to know me better and on a deeper level first. I feel as if she's not as into me as I am her, and I feel like I'm going to potentially be let down and get hurt. That being said, I want to pump the brakes and limit my investment in this girl because I feel as if I'm further along than she is. I was told that talking to other girls will help this process out, that if she does end things that I won't hurt as bad because I'll have other options. They suggested some online dating sites. But...we've established that we're exclusive. I don't want to start out a potential relationship by doing something behind her back. I really like her, but would like to do whatever I can to ease the situation. What do I do? Edited June 20, 2016 by coachjones
jrharvey Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Well I had that same problem before. Was dating this girl and she wasnt ready to be that serious yet. I let things go and was dating another girl too. Just casually and mostly just friends. Well the girl I really liked found out and it completely destroyed her. She tried to continue with me but she basically treated me like I lied and cheated on her as if we were in a relationship already. She claimed she was exclusive with me but told me before she wasnt ready to be serious so I took her words seriously and dated someone else. I think the best option is to be open and honest. I think thats what made the other girl so crazy. She assumed we were going slow but being exclusive. I assumed her not wanting to be serious meant she was dating around. We both assumed. Best option is to just be open and ask her if you guys should date other people too. Granted this could backfire and she may think your wanting to date around if she is crazy. 3
jrharvey Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Also, If a girl I was dating did that because I told her to take it slow and I wasnt ready I would be cool with her being on a dating site. HOWEVER. I have never dated a girl that would be cool with that. If she says you are exclusive then she will be pissed as hell if she finds out.
SunBird Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Totally agree that the best thing you can do is be totally open and honest. Have this discussion with her. We can't control how we feel about people, and we can't control how they feel about us either. So you have nothing to loose from being honest and open. Dont try and second guess how it will turn out, and dont presume that just becasue she's not ready that she doesn't care about you as much. We all have different ways of defining things. Admittedly she does sound over complicated by differentiating between 'exclusive' and 'official'?! Someone has given you terrible advice by suggesting you date other girls as some sort of insurance. Go with how you feel. You guys are exclusive so honor that, and if talk to her about how you feel and your gut stills tells you she is dragging you along then move on.
bummer Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 It would be wrong to be trying to emotionally invest in other women. No no no. Set positive mental and emotional relationship habits today. move slow, get to know her on a deeper level, but don't be flirting behind her back. Scenario with online chatting: She likes you and it gets official. She never finds out, but you feel guilty and compromised in your wholeness to this woman. She finds out, game over. She ends it after a few more weeks and dates. You get to rebound with an online chick 5 days sooner than if you started chatting after the breakup. scenario without cheating: She likes you, it's official. She never finds out anything negative and you are guilt free. Breathe a sigh of relief. She ends it after a few more dates. You go online and start chatting that night. Guilt free. 1
jrharvey Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 It would be wrong to be trying to emotionally invest in other women. No no no. Set positive mental and emotional relationship habits today. move slow, get to know her on a deeper level, but don't be flirting behind her back. Scenario with online chatting: She likes you and it gets official. She never finds out, but you feel guilty and compromised in your wholeness to this woman. She finds out, game over. She ends it after a few more weeks and dates. You get to rebound with an online chick 5 days sooner than if you started chatting after the breakup. scenario without cheating: She likes you, it's official. She never finds out anything negative and you are guilt free. Breathe a sigh of relief. She ends it after a few more dates. You go online and start chatting that night. Guilt free. This is spot on. Dont do something stupid out of fear of losing this girl. Give her the space she wants. If she says she is exclusive you have to trust that unless she gives you reason to not trust that.
BlueIris Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I interpret the word exclusive to mean that neither of you is seeing anyone else or open to seeing anyone else. What does official mean? Telling people that you are BF/GF? Is someone keeping someone a secret? I think you two need to talk face to face and candidly and if she is vague or non-committal, then say that you're going to go back to online dating until she decides. Don't be afraid to say to her, "I don't understand what you mean" if you don't understand what she means. 4
VeveCakes Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I interpret the word exclusive to mean that neither of you is seeing anyone else or open to seeing anyone else. What does official mean? Telling people that you are BF/GF? Is someone keeping someone a secret? I think you two need to talk face to face and candidly and if she is vague or non-committal, then say that you're going to go back to online dating until she decides. Don't be afraid to say to her, "I don't understand what you mean" if you don't understand what she means. Exclusive means you aren't dating anyone else. To be on a dating site would be a huge breach of trust and a lie. Either she is worth the wait or she isn't. Don't go online before deciding whether you want to wait for this girl or not. IMO being exclusive and not wanting to commit is a sign their interest level is low. 2
BlueIris Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Exclusive means you aren't dating anyone else. To be on a dating site would be a huge breach of trust and a lie. Either she is worth the wait or she isn't. Don't go online before deciding whether you want to wait for this girl or not. IMO being exclusive and not wanting to commit is a sign their interest level is low. Yeah, that's what I think too. But it appears as though OP sees some contradiction between official and exclusive or loophole or something. That's the problem with words that aren't explained and people not talking and being clear with each other. 2
basil67 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Exclusive means you aren't dating anyone else. To be on a dating site would be a huge breach of trust and a lie. Either she is worth the wait or she isn't. Don't go online before deciding whether you want to wait for this girl or not. IMO being exclusive and not wanting to commit is a sign their interest level is low. You could well be right about low interest level. But I will offer another reason to not be committed yet: Based on some posts I read, it appears that some people view 'commitment' as being very serious and seems to be akin to the step before engagement. Meanwhile others view commitment as giving their relationship the attention it needs to find out if it's got long term potential. Perhaps she's the former and doesn't want to go making any promises yet.
basil67 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Another thought: I don't think my partner and I discussed 'commitment' until we were at the stage of buying a house together. We'd been together for a few years. The discussion was along the lines of "this is a really big step and I want to know that you're in for the long haul" So it would seem that I'm like the OPs girlfriend. How do others view the commitment discussion?
Author coachjones Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 You could well be right about low interest level. But I will offer another reason to not be committed yet: Based on some posts I read, it appears that some people view 'commitment' as being very serious and seems to be akin to the step before engagement. Meanwhile others view commitment as giving their relationship the attention it needs to find out if it's got long term potential. Perhaps she's the former and doesn't want to go making any promises yet. This. She has told me that, since she's in her late 20s, that she sees any relationship as a serious commitment that could result in marriage. She said she doesn't take that lightly and wants to get to know me on a deeper level before making any commitments like that.
mizunomead Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I must be slightly confused. Isn't becoming exclusive a commitment?? To me that would at the least mean that you too are committed to dating only each other at this time right?? 2
VeveCakes Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 You could well be right about low interest level. But I will offer another reason to not be committed yet: Based on some posts I read, it appears that some people view 'commitment' as being very serious and seems to be akin to the step before engagement. Meanwhile others view commitment as giving their relationship the attention it needs to find out if it's got long term potential. Perhaps she's the former and doesn't want to go making any promises yet. Absolutely. But if you think about it, OP has to decide whether he wants to keep trying, or is he wants to say no taking too long, I want to date around. Neither is wrong or right, just whatever works for the OP. My only thought is, if you are exclusive, she expects you not to stray. So some sort of decision needs to happen. Maybe another talk would help clarify things.
basil67 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 This. She has told me that, since she's in her late 20s, that she sees any relationship as a serious commitment that could result in marriage. She said she doesn't take that lightly and wants to get to know me on a deeper level before making any commitments like that. Yep. I totally understand. She'd want to be with you for a couple of years before making promises about being in for the long haul Quite sensible. At present, you've got exclusivity and it sounds like she's up for giving this a red hot go. I see no problems 1
basil67 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I must be slightly confused. Isn't becoming exclusive a commitment?? To me that would at the least mean that you too are committed to dating only each other at this time right?? This is the problem with such a hazy word. To me, commitment means a promise to be together for the long term. To you, it's a commitment to not sleep around. Vastly different meanings for the same word. The OP and his partner need to recognise that their definition of the word is different and use sentences rather than a single word when trying to define how they each need the relationship to look. 1
basil67 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Absolutely. But if you think about it, OP has to decide whether he wants to keep trying, or is he wants to say no taking too long, I want to date around. Neither is wrong or right, just whatever works for the OP. My only thought is, if you are exclusive, she expects you not to stray. So some sort of decision needs to happen. Maybe another talk would help clarify things. Yes, they each have to look for what they want. But it seems to me that their different definitions of the same words are creating the stumbling block. I think they need to find new words to gain a better understanding of each other before making any decisions. 1
BlueIris Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 This. She has told me that, since she's in her late 20s, that she sees any relationship as a serious commitment that could result in marriage. She said she doesn't take that lightly and wants to get to know me on a deeper level before making any commitments like that. Seems reasonable to me. You've been dating for only 10 weeks. It's seems as though you're feeling insecure because you like her.
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Seems reasonable to me. You've been dating for only 10 weeks. It's seems as though you're feeling insecure because you like her. I absolutely am feeling insecure. I hate the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not she'll think I'm worth it to take the next step. It feels like I still haven't passed her test, even though she's passed mine. Makes me feel like I'm not good enough or something. 2
BlueIris Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I absolutely am feeling insecure. I hate the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not she'll think I'm worth it to take the next step. It feels like I still haven't passed her test, even though she's passed mine. Makes me feel like I'm not good enough or something. What next step are you thinking of? She's passed your test for what? Do you want to marry her? I'm sincere in asking this because I think 10 weeks is way too early to know enough about anyone to know that that person is the one you want to spend your life with. 1
basil67 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Blue Iris is spot on. 10 Weeks is far too early to be making any noises about long term compatibility. It takes a year before we truly start to know another person. It's foolish to make any kind of long term promise while still wearing those rose tinted glasses. 1
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 What next step are you thinking of? She's passed your test for what? Do you want to marry her? I'm sincere in asking this because I think 10 weeks is way too early to know enough about anyone to know that that person is the one you want to spend your life with. My next step is to be together, publicly. In my mind, the progression goes like this: 1) Courtship, where you figure out if you want to be with someone long term 2) Relationship, where you figure out if you want to be with someone forever 3) Marriage I have no idea if I want to marry her or not. I do know that I want to be with her long term, obviously with the possibility for marriage being left open. If I have to wait for her to decide if she wants to marry me, I think I'll be waiting awhile.
BlueIris Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 My next step is to be together, publicly. In my mind, the progression goes like this: 1) Courtship, where you figure out if you want to be with someone long term 2) Relationship, where you figure out if you want to be with someone forever 3) Marriage I have no idea if I want to marry her or not. I do know that I want to be with her long term, obviously with the possibility for marriage being left open. If I have to wait for her to decide if she wants to marry me, I think I'll be waiting awhile. Ok. Do you take her out on dates? Have you invited her to places where you know people, like your favorite restaurants, bars, activities maybe? I'm assuming you consider 10 weeks to be in the courtship phase. Right?
VeveCakes Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 How much time do you spend together? Does she ever refer to the future with you? Has she said she wants to get married in the future?
Author coachjones Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Ok. Do you take her out on dates? Have you invited her to places where you know people, like your favorite restaurants, bars, activities maybe? I'm assuming you consider 10 weeks to be in the courtship phase. Right? Yes, we go on dates. She has met my friends, but not any family. I have not met any of her friends, but we have a lot of mutual friends. Yes, I consider 10 weeks as courtship phase. But, like I said, it's nearing the relationship phase for me anyway. And I told her that.
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