Will I ever feel attracted again?

[tunnel vision]

Regulars will recognize me. I had to create a new account because I was being stalked by an old work colleague. At 32, I still feel broken by a relationship that ended 4 years ago. The acute pain is gone, but what lingers is this sticky belief that I'll never find someone I love again. Without getting all dramatic I don't know how to describe the feeling. Even when things are good, that belief is lurking in the shadows, shrinking the world. I've lost my freedom to it. It's dragged on so long now that I really wish I'd never met him, even if that means sacrificing any life knowledge. Before anyone asks, I'm on antidepressants and seeing a psychiatrist.

 

Backstory: Five years ago I met this guy in an obscure corner of the internet that no longer exists. Our "relationship" rapidly escalated before we even met, with promises of forever love and commitment. He led me to believe we had a rare connection that was built on shared interests, memories and world views. He's the only person I've met that I had this deep click with, and it was enthralling for me, a lifelong loner. Things changed when we met in person a few months later. Apparently I didn't live up to his fantasy of me; I never found out exactly why. Still, we dated long distance for a year and he put me through absolute hell. From a distance he was sweet and affectionate, and in person he was cold and rejecting. By the end his behavior morphed into emotional abuse - gas-lighting, outrageous demands on my time, constant criticism. He always left me feeling that as bad as he was I was somehow responsible for his treatment, that if I were more desirable or confident, he would have given me respect. Everyone told me to run but like a cliche "battered woman" I stayed. By the time I had the strength to end things a year later I truly loathed him. I'd been in bad relationships before, I'd been blindsided, but I'd never been hurt like this.

 

Yet after we broke up, part of me still wanted him back. Without that "soulmate" click we had in the beginning, I'm sure I could have filed our relationship comfortably into the past as a silly mistake. But I couldn't fully let go because that special feeling he gave me was something I had always craved from others. After we broke up he popped back into my life a few months later with a text that segued into more marathon phone conversations, I miss yous, I love yous, vague suggestions that he might give us another chance. I wonder if I had let him go the first time, whether I might have moved on by now.

 

Instead I let myself be seduced again, and I think this seduction stuck more because it broke my confidence that I could ever escape. At this time when we reconnected I was in the process of moving to the city where he now lived, not because of him but because I had been planning on moving there for years before I met him. (He moved there when we were together to be closer to me, but then told me before moving he wanted to "explore his options.") A week before my arrival he abruptly cut off all contact with me. Six months of random booty calls and disappearances later he said he didn't want to be my friend anymore.

 

I tried to move on, I went no contact for months, but discovered I was even more tortured by my own imagination. Finally, I decided being in contact was the lesser of two evils, as it gave me a weak sense of control. That's been the state of things for the past year and a half. He lives across the country now and thinks we're "friends" but I barely keep in touch because I can't bear to hear about him dating.

 

After he told me about a girl he met on Tinder two months ago, I've distanced myself and only exchange a text once every week or so. But I think about him every day, especially as I make my own foray into online dating. What gets me is that he when we were together he always insisted that I was special to him, that he had never felt a fraction of this for any past girl. He also claimed he had never had a real girlfriend, only flings, because every girl he met bored him. After our relationship his tune changed. It was like I unwittingly "trained" him for other relationships, which I deeply resent. Every single girl he's dated since me (randoms he met at bars and on Tinder) he's said he's "really into." Those relationships didn't take off because he moved back home eight months ago, but this recent Tinder girl he seems to be dating quite seriously. None of these girls had much in common with him, by his own admission, and yet he always led me to believe it was the fact that we had so much in common that made me special to him. I just don't understand how a guy can go 25 years of his life never meeting a single girl he likes and then, after one disastrous relationship, he suddenly has a 100% satisfaction rate with girls. He also claims he's a changed man and is treating these girls better than he treated me. It's like my worst nightmare as it seems to confirm my belief that I was somehow to blame for his behavior.

 

Another disturbing aspect of this turn of events is that by contrast I have so much difficulty meeting anyone I like anymore. I used to be the opposite of the old him - I was the one who got attached too quickly. Now I have trouble feeling anything. I've met about 6 guys online so far and felt no chemistry with any. I'm not picky (I often get to told I'm not picky enough), but these guys all seemed to have major drawbacks - unemployed, nothing in common with me, players. I dated one guy for a few months over the winter who turned out to be boorish and dishonest. It feels like at this rate I might slog through hundreds of first dates and never find a guy I see a future with. Yet my ex, who is average looking according to friends who met him, has never had a job and lives at home with his parents, is able to meet desirable girls he's crazy with little effort. Every first date he goes on is a hit. And yes, I've verified that these girls exist. They're all young, attractive, and successful from what I can tell based on linkedin and facebook. Yes, sadly, I'm guilty of google stalking them.

 

What am I doing wrong here? Is it my dating pool or did my relationship with him scar me so much that I've lost the ability to feel - a much scarier possibility? I don't remember the last time I was even attracted to a guy, either online or in real life. At best I've experienced a fleeting desire.

 

I don't want to waste my life on this douche. I know people will say no contact but that hasn't proven a very effective strategy for me in the past, not just with him but with others. To this day I'm still haunted by a group of friends I had as a young teenager who bullied me for three years. It was next level, Carrie style bullying, but I haven't spoken to those girls in almost twenty years and I still have constant recurring nightmares about them. I'm afraid of entombing him in my memory, that if I cut him off, as a memory his hold over my psyche will grow and eventually become engrained. I'm highly sensitive and prone to obsessive thoughts, so I feel like I have to tread this with care.

 

Sometimes it feels like I've gotten over him for good, but then the progress vanishes. That happened when I found out he was seeing someone new. It's like one of those horror movies where the main character thinks he's escaped from some hell but then the reality around him starts to dissolve and reveals that he's still in the same place.

 

What should I do?

Edited June 20, 2016 by tunnel vision

[bummer]

Try being single and learn to enjoy it. Learn more about how normal relationship boundaries work and what they should be for you. Go start new hobbies and meet real friends.

 

I get that you feel stalking your ex is healthier than the anxiety of not, but I promise YOU WILL NEVER MOVE ON OR CONNECT PROPERLY WITH THE RIGHT GUY UNLESS YOU FINALLY GO NO CONTACT WITH THE EX. Maybe capslock will work. stop comparing yourself and get your identity back.

 

I'll start the ball on another favourite too which is to take time to find the right therapist for you. Someone who can address the childhood abuse and past relationship obsessions. Remember you still hold the key to free your mind.

Edited June 20, 2016 by bummer

[Satu]

You're doing this to yourself.

 

Life is meant to be better than what you are suffering.

 

Time for therapy, before you waste even more of your life on this person.

 

 

Take care.

[spiderowl]

You are torturing yourself by staying in contact with him. People suggest no contact for a reason. Keeping in touch gives him power over you, not the other way round. You need to cut off any route he has to reach you, so he can't.

 

What he said and what he did were two different things. This is the mark of a liar. You were unfortunate to meet one. Not having had a relationship which lasted for long in the past is a big red flag. Take no notice of what he says now about relationships, you can bet they are not as he describes. He will continue to abuse women and manipulate them emotionally as he is still doing with you.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, but there is a lot wrong with him. You are not feeling much because (a) you haven't met the right new guy yet; and (b) you are still stuck on him. He is not the perfect guy you think he is. I know it is hard but people who say nice things are not necessarily nice people. Some are manipulative. Once you see this guy for what he is, you will be able to disentangle yourself from him.

 

It is awful that he has treated you like this, but now you need to resolve that one bad apple is not going to be allowed to spoil your life. Seeing a psychiatrist is a good idea if you are obsessing about this guy. You sound like a gentle person who has not been able to defend herself very well up until now. You can learn to enforce boundaries. I was like you, but now I surprise myself sometimes with what I have done when I feel people are bullying or behaving stupidly.

 

You have been through a bad patch. Things will get better when you've processed all this and let go of this guy. I suspect the problem here is obsessive thoughts and that seeing the psych is important. Sometimes obsessive thoughts just happen, even when you know it's not doing you any good.