fixmyheart90 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Hi Everyone. Hope you are all well. I read posts on this forum more or less daily, trying to comfort myself somehow and today I have decided to post something myself. Ive seen how many helpful people there are on these forums so really hoping for some advice, and mostly to be honest...someone to talk to. My ex broke up with me 5 months ago, and we had been together 2 months short of 5 years. He has always had major anxiety problems and upon reflection our relationship was never really about "US", it was more about him and me being there to comfort him. This is nothing that I hold against him, I was honoured to have spent 5 years making someone else feel good about themselves, and I feel like I am good at listening to others, but just to tell you all about our background, this is kind of how it was. I could with a huge confidence say that sadly enough he has never seen a "normal" loving, caring, relationship. He has no clue what a good relationship actually is and how it would progress with time. His mother and father do not love eachother, and he says that they never have. His siblings and best friends have either failed, abusive relationships or unloving relationships. He has always had these thoughts of how relationships should always be "fun and exciting" and that a relationship should always be at that honeymoon stage, and these ideals would always cause so many issues as he would at least once a year state that "he didnt those love feelings", but we would always recover. And yes, I know what you are all thinking...It was horrible and emotionally straining on me, but I never left. I loved this man the way I have never ever loved before and I cant stop. Anyway, fast forward to now. 8 months ago, our relationship came to the point of progression and I wanted to get married. This is something that we had both spoken about several times and said that we both wanted this. However, 8 months ago...I called him up on this promise and I said, that I wanted to get married. He then comes out with "my feelings arent as strong, we dont always have a fun time together, we dont always laugh together, I feel like we dont click" It absolutely gobsmacked me, because I had stood by this man through out soo soo so so so many of his issues, been his rock, best friend, partner! Lifted him up when he was at his lowest. NOW THAT IS REAL LOVE, A REAL RELATIONSHIP. But, he will never understand that. Anyway, a few months later (5 months ago now) he decided he couldnt handle the "pressure" (although I didnt really pressure him?) and he broke up with me. And you can probably understand how much that hurt. 5 years of me doing absolutely everything to put a smile on that mans face, he just up and left.... ...but he didnt. And that is why I am here today. So...Naturally, when he decided to leave I decided to move on and cut all contact with him. I politely told him this, and I even said that there is no way I could keep in touch with him just because I love him so much and I will never move on if I dont cut ties atleast for a while. He would claim that he would let me do this, but he didnt. He would message me every single day, call me every day. And I am one of those soft people who just cannot say no to anyone, who feels guilty about hurting a fly. However I still managed to ignore him on and off and he would still try...For a good 3 months...He even came to my flat once when I had managed to ignore him for 5 days in a row. And now, after 5 months he has sneaked himself in to my life again. We talk to eachother every single day, and I mean from "good morning" to "goodnight" we still argue as if we were a couple, he transfers me money so I can save these for him every single month, he tells me every detail of his life, we are in constant communication. We still share every single important moment together. We share every secret together, I am the first person he comes to when he needs advice, when he needs comfort. He sometimes talks about if we get along well enough then "maybe we can get back together". We are more or less just like before, minus physical stuff. But he refuses to label us anything else than "friends" and I have said on many occasions to him, I refuse to be his friend and he should only speak to me if we are more. I dont get whats happening? He must have some sort of feelings for me right? Am I wrong in saying that this is not how 2 exes behave? I just want to know..Do I hang on to hope or not? I just want to know, why does he keep it like this? Its so confusing to me that I am the closest person to him in his life and yet he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me? Isnt that what you look for in a partner, someone u trust, someone who has your back, someone who you can share everything with! Im so hurt and so confused right now. Any thought would be great Thank you so much 2
RoseHeart Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 You need to make a decision. Yes you can go on forever being his "friend" on the side. Giving him attention, acting like a girlfriend without him having to commit to you (while he can keep his eye open for other women and have the freedom to do so), being a constant attention giver while soothing his needs. OR. You can say enough of it and tell him once and for all that if he truly wants you; he'll win you over and get back together again and till then NO contact and NO giving him all the little benefits of being with you. You are offering him your all AFTER he left you. There's something very wrong with that. It's not going to work and I can promise you that now. You are wasting your time by giving him everything he wants without him making any promise to you. Remember, don't confuse convenience with something else. (like love). You are the person he has been close to for your years so naturally you are the person he will likely reach out to as there's no one else around. That doesn't mean he actually loves you or wants anything romantic with you (considering his reasons for breaking up with you in the first place). You deserve someone who wants to fully commit to you and you alone and someone who isn't going to hurt you the way he did. He totally blind sided you and you've done A LOT for him. Your love should go for someone who actually appreciates it. And believe me, the right guy will absolutely. 3
pteromom Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 You have been his comfort, his counselor, and his soft place to fall for 5 years. But he isn't "IN LOVE" with you. If your friendship is minus physical stuff, he isn't even using you for sex - he truly views you as a friend. If you aren't willing to be only a friend, you should say goodbye and let him stand on his own. He isn't interested in being your boyfriend. He isn't interested in marrying you. Beyond that, do you even want to be married to someone who always feels the feelings aren't deep enough and who is sad that it isn't fun and exciting? It would suck to feel not enough for someone forever!!! 1
Satu Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 He wants to get some of that nice 'feel good juice' from you so that he can feel good about himself. Check for fang marks on your neck before you go to bed tonight. Take care. 3
Emilia Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Sounds like you were more his therapist or social worker than lover. This is why it never pays to be a caretaker and look after a man. I hope you will have the strength to cut him out of your life, he needs to learn to stand on his own too feet. You were almost like his mother, by the sound of it. If someone doesn't know how to have a relationship, that's a major red flag and you should leave. It's not the cue for you to then get involved and try to fix him because this dynamic happens. 1
Author fixmyheart90 Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 In regards to him not being physical with me. I am a religious person and I have never touched another man besides from him. I never had sex with him, and as him and I are from similar cultures and backgrounds, we had that understanding. It was never anything he complained about, he actually respected me for this. So he tells me that he is not physically intimate with me at this stage, because he knows it means a lot to me and he does not want to do that because he is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. In regards to the emotional aspect, yes..I am his support and I always have been. I am the one sole person who he trusts 100% and can tell anything to. I did feel like I was more like a mother to him at times. He has however said on multiple occasions, that he does see me more than just a friend but he would like to take it slow and see how it goes. He has also said this to his friends who have relayed back this to me. He sees hope for us, yet does not want to label me anything... Everytime I have tried to leave, he has given me half hope and said stuff that makes me believe there may be a chance. As I am writing this, it is making me wonder...Is this emotional abuse of some sort?
Emilia Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Ah, missed the no sex part. No, not emotional abuse. He just sees you like a big sister or friend or whatever. He isn't interested in you in a romantic sense. Maybe he is gay.
Author fixmyheart90 Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 He sees me more than a friend, he says it himself. But he has always had an issue with comitment. We shared a bed this weekend due to a friend reunion. We shared a bed, nothing happened more than some cuddles. We still act exactly like a couple but we actually aren't one...
whatnot Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 It'll never be more than it was before...when you wanted more commitment. I think he's scared of losing himself in you. He's not going to risk it if is he doesn't want to do it for himself. .and he can't want to do it for himself if he's unaware of why he leaves. (Which is my working hypothesis) Good luck
RoseHeart Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 He sees hope for us, yet does not want to label me anything... Everytime I have tried to leave, he has given me half hope and said stuff that makes me believe there may be a chance. As I am writing this, it is making me wonder...Is this emotional abuse of some sort? I see it this way. He either has feelings for you; or not. If he really is feeling something for you then there's no logical reason that should be keeping him from being with you. If there's issues that you need to work on as a couple you can do that within a relationship like most couples do. His lack of wanting to label you is what the problem is more than anything. That is what is worrying me and making think he can't be that scared of losing you. Cause if he was scared of losing you; he wouldn't be okay for settling just for friendship.
jellybean824 Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Five years is a long time to have committed to someone, only to have them walk out on you. I would sincerely consider how this relationship is benefitting the both of you. It sounds like when you were together, you provided plenty of emotional support. Once he left you, that support was gone. Now, he is back for the support, minus the commitment. I think you made it clear you were not ok with that. You said you only wanted to talk to him IF he commits to more than friendship. However, your actions are not lining up with your words. If you cannot "just be friends," then I think it might be the healthiest thing to cut all ties completely. I understand your feelings of love for him won't just magically "disappear." The scenario you are painting seems a bit unbalanced; he is getting what he wants out of the relationship, while you are not. I would consider your own motives for wanting something deeper with him, when he is clearly not ready. Any relationship should be mutually beneficial. If this is not currently the case, then maybe it's time to move on.
basil67 Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Hi fixmyheart, something in your post really stood out to me. You wrote "NOW THAT IS REAL LOVE, A REAL RELATIONSHIP" however, you were only describing how you felt towards him. Thing is, real love - a real relationship - meets the needs of both parties. But even you confess that this relationship was always about him and his needs. OK, perhaps your needs in a relationship were to simply serve, support and console....but wouldn't it be great to have a relationship where it was equally about you and your needs, wants and desires?
ChickiePops Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 He's using you to help him through the break up and when he's completely over it he will disappear and leave you confused and in pain.
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