Needy love and is there a way to get over it

[jrharvey]

Ok I need some good and solid insight into how girls think. The problem is my girlfriend is unhappy with something I do almost every single day. Me and my girlfriend have been dating a year and a half. We live together. It seems like the past 6 months have been incredibly rough. We use to fight a lot but we both learned a lot of communication skills and read books and even went to counseling and have gotten better. We communicate better but even now its difficult to hear how she felt hurt about something or unloved about something EVERY DAY. Im getting to the point im about to give up even trying to make her happy. Nothing works. Every time I change something that she says bothers her she comes up with something else. She is also incredibly insecure and VERY VERY VERY needy. She either needs to be around me or hear from me all the time via text or call. I know this is a sign of immaturity. Most people are immature when they are young. She is 25. The thing is I really really do love her and she swears she loves me so much and wants to get married and all this stuff. I am trying to get through this phase with her but its tough. I figure she will grow out of the needy phase and immature phase eventually. I really want to make this work because when things are good they are incredible and like nothing I have ever experienced. I know because I have dated tons of girls and she is the sweetest and most caring of them all. I really dont want to just dump her and go somewhere else. We have a lot of passion and love for each other. I just feel hopeless.

 

Just today something happened that bothered me a lot. I already mentioned how needy she was. She went to work and I had the day off. I slept in a little bit and started cleaning the house. I got on a roll and figured Id text her when I got to a break point. Wasn't long before she texted asking if I was still sleeping. She got upset when I told her I was cleaning the house. She was upset I had not texted her when I woke up and just started cleaning. To her that means I dont care about her and I dont love her enough to do that before cleaning. I care more about cleaning. She calmly told me this and I was just kinda caught off guard because she never asked me to do that before and its not a rule. Ironically her last day off she didnt text me when she woke up. She waited till after going to the store. I told her this and she just gets all upset and saying I dont understand her feelings and she just wants me to show her love. We calmed down which is great because we use to fight about that kind of stuff.

 

This kinda stuff happens all the time. She doesn't feel love because we were watching a movie and I go to the bathroom without kissing her. She doesn't feel love because I didn't cook for her when she was sick even though I asked 3 times if she would let me make something for her and she said she didn't want anything. She doesn't feel loved because I use to write her notes and she never did so I stopped and she gets upset about it. Sometimes I am literally doing everything right and she cannot possibly think I dont love her. Then she just looks at me and ask if something is wrong. I tell her no Im very happy. Then she randomly says she feels like I am upset because Im not showing her enough love. It drives me nuts. I could have been holding her, kissing her, doing everything she wants all day and everything she ask and getting nothing in return from her and she still complains Im not doing enough. Its like my head explodes. Its not that she just feels upset about feeling unloved. Its that she gets cold and pushes me away until the next day. She wont talk or she puts on headphones and just listens all night because she is upset. She doesn't want to be touched and is kinda bitchy even if I am trying to be good to her and make her feel more loved. Then sometimes I get mad. I say I did all these things for you and you haven't done anything for me today and you are saying Im not doing enough? What more do you want? Then she says I am starting a fight and she is just telling me her feelings and I shouldn't get upset when she is just telling me her feelings.

 

I really am lost and dont think there is any way to really make her happy. I asked her today... Are you really happy? Are you ever happy with me at all? Do you even want to be with me anymore? She said... "I love you and I am very happy with you all the time. I am always happy with you. I just want to feel more loved sometimes".

 

I feel like I am spending 90% of my usable energy trying to make her feel loved and still failing. I know there must be something she is not telling me because nothing she tells me is ever enough. If I take even 5 minutes to focus on work or myself for once it always seems to happen. I get that text or she says something where she is trying to let me know she doesnt feel like I love her anymore or I forgot about her or something like that. Ive had so many heart to heart talks with her about how I have a life and work and I cant be talking to her all the time all day. The crazy thing is she knows this. She doesnt even live up to her own expectations. She cannot do what she wants me to do. Sometimes I act the way she does just to test her. One time she got mad because we hadnt texted for an hour but I checked facebook. She was like... why do you have time to check facebook but not talk to me? Not even 2 days later she hadnt texted me in 4 hours because she was busy at work. Fine I dont mind but I saw she was on facebook. I remembered the fight we had about when I checked and I acted mad (testing her) for being on facebook but no time to talk to me. I acted exactly like she did just to see what she would do. That really pissed her off because she said her mom was sending her FB messages and then said she wouldnt stop talking to her mom etc... She was really pissed about that but never could understand how hypocritical she was being. Even now.

 

Ughhhh.

 

Another thing that just kills me is she always tells me I dont understand. I just dont get it. I will never understand etc...

I always break down what she has said and explain what I think she means and then I ask "am I right?". Then she usually says yes, thats right. THEN I can tell her how I feel about that and I understand but disagree with how she acted. She just says you will never understand. Im like... You just told me I understand but its ok for me to disagree.

 

This just blew my mind. She sent me a quote basically saying you should love in a way that is giving and not expect anything in return. I was kinda shocked and asked if she thought this was good advice for her. She said no this is for you! I said do you think it can apply to you too? She said I want YOU to read and understand this. Im just exploding going nuts right now. How can she not see that she is going completely against her own quote? Its so obvious. Sometimes I swear she is doing this to get rid of me or something. So I read this quote and think she wants me to give give give but expect nothing in return? I never tell her she doesnt show me love. She is ALWAYS telling me and she doesnt give that much anymore. What the hell.

[GorillaTheater]

She seems pretty exhausting to me. I guess the question to ask yourself is how long you want to keep living like this.

 

 

What is her relationship history like?

[jrharvey]

She seems pretty exhausting to me. I guess the question to ask yourself is how long you want to keep living like this.

 

 

What is her relationship history like?

 

It is exhausting. Better than it use to be though.

Im her second serious boyfriend haha. Crazy I know. She was with her ex for 3 years and they seemed to have a great relationship until he cheated. Her dad was a huge player too. After her ex she didnt date for 3 years. She is beautiful but ive seen her history with guys trying to date her and she completely dismisses them without giving a chance. I guess she is super picky.

[kismetkismet]

hmm.. originally i thought that my response was going to be something along the lines of - maybe you just have different styles of expressing love and different emotional/affection needs. Which in my experience isn't something that changes MUCH, even if you really love each other.

 

But her requests seem pretty unreasonable.. I wonder if her previous relationship has just crushed her trust entirely and she is looking for signs of things going wrong so that she isn't hurt again.. It seems to me like you're really working on it.. I think that unless she can come up with some kind of overarching way to help fix things then I don't know if there's much you can do. Like.. you can't just have a checklist of all the things you have to do like: text as soon as you get up, always kiss her before you leave the room, never take longer than 23 minutes to reply to a text, etc. You'll just be completely depleted and the relationship will feel like a tedious job.

[VeveCakes]

My guess is not that she's picky but guys get a whiff of her neediness and run.

 

She sounds severely unhealthy stage 5 clinger.

 

She might need therapy. If she tries to fight with you over these just don't engage and let her know her requests are unreasonable and you will not engage in arguments over it in the future. See what happens.

 

No one should have to prove their love hourly.

Edited June 20, 2016 by VeveCakes

[pteromom]

Oh my gosh. This sounds very exhausting.

 

You said her dad was a huge player - maybe she has a fear of being unlovable, and needs the constant fixes to feel "loved".

 

One thing is for sure - when you give her a payoff for acting like that, you are only signing up for more of the same.

 

When you keep jumping through her hoops, she is going to keep setting up more and more of them to get that reassurance from you.

 

Instead, you should quit trying so hard to "make her happy". Her happiness needs to come from within herself. Be kind. Be loving. Make a REASONABLE amount of effort to be a good boyfriend. And DO NOT give her a payoff for saying you don't like her, etc.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship won't last if the current pattern continues.

 

Stop enabling her. There's showing love, and then there's jumping through hoops, walking over broken glass and swallowing swords to make someone happy. And they still want more. To me, this is not about speaking different love languages.

 

It sounds to me as though you have made an effort, but what exactly has she done to meet you halfway? You mentioned you've already gone to counseling. That's a bit concerning at only 18 months in. What was the counselor's advice to you both? Have you both made a concerted effort to follow this advice?

 

Honestly, if she's going to pout and stonewall you when she's not happy, let her. Walk away, do something else - don't pander to her pouting sessions. She's behaving like a child. If she expects an adult relationship, she needs to behave like an adult.

 

Explain to her that you cannot and will not continue this way. You can tell her you love her, but you will not stay in a relationship in which you are made to feel you're always making mistakes and being punished. She needs to grow up.

[preraph]

Doesn't sound like the counseling did her much good, does it? She is ridiculously needy/bossy/insecure or whatever her issues are. You don't want to live like that, and it is what it is.

[jrharvey]

The thing that drives me nuts is she tells me she is very happy and very in love. She says we have a great relationship. I don't feel that way at all. It feels to me like she is incredibly unhappy. When I ask her why she does this she says she is trying to improve the relationship. I don't try to fix what is not broken so i just cannot understand. Also if your happy then you should have a more gentle touch. I have tried to communicate things I want changed before but I sure dont pound her daily with things I dont like about her. First I make her feel good and then I explain some things I think could be better but that rarely every happens because I dont nitpick about the tinyest of things. To me the fact that she nitpicks so much means she is very unhappy but who knows.

[ExpatInItaly]

The thing that drives me nuts is she tells me she is very happy and very in love. She says we have a great relationship. I don't feel that way at all. It feels to me like she is incredibly unhappy. When I ask her why she does this she says she is trying to improve the relationship. I don't try to fix what is not broken so i just cannot understand. Also if your happy then you should have a more gentle touch. I have tried to communicate things I want changed before but I sure dont pound her daily with things I dont like about her. First I make her feel good and then I explain some things I think could be better but that rarely every happens because I dont nitpick about the tinyest of things. To me the fact that she nitpicks so much means she is very unhappy but who knows.

 

The most important question:

 

Are you happy?

 

It doesn't seem you are. And it's an awful lot of work.

[jrharvey]

My girlfriend thinks that I dont listen or understand her feelings. Im going to try and be fair here and give the truth and get your opinion.

 

I feel like she is often upset about the craziest things. Even sometimes she gets upset at things that I do that she does all the time and it blows my mind. Sometimes its just basic things that every human does.

 

Usually what happens is SHE ASK ME A QUESTION that I feel like is a rediculous question and I usually ask her back the same question but in an instance that she did the same thing to me. This really pisses her off and she cannot stand it. Im trying to prove a point. Not fight. Just say "hey you do the same".

 

For example:

Her: Why are you on facebook when you say you are working today? How can you check facebook?

Me: Your working. How can you check facebook and see that I am on? Why do I always see you on facebook all the time at work? Why are you on there every night before bed?

 

Her: Why didn't you text me this morning? You didn't care about me?

Me: Why didn't you text me? You could have easily texted me too? Your busy thinking about why I didn't text you while I was busy doing something else not thinking about anything being wrong. If you wanted to talk why didn't you just text me?

 

Her: Why didn't you tell me you were going to the gym today.

Me: Why didnt you tell me you were going to the mall after work yesterday?

 

Ok I think you see the point.

 

What do you think? She HATES this and usually yells and screams when I do this. To me she is being completely hypocritical. To her I dont care. I dont listen. I dont understand her feelings.

 

Whats going on?

[Dis]

You two are just going back and forth...solving nothing...this is far from productive behavior on both sides

 

Try setting the example...treat her how you would like her to treat you

 

Maybe she can learn from you....maybe this would ease whatever issues she has with you

 

Giving her a taste of her own medicine isnt doing much other than adding gasoline to the fire

[Lorenza]

You both are immature. Like when kids argue "You're stupid!" "No, YOU'RE stupid!".

[RecentChange]

Yelling and screaming shouldn't be part of a healthy relationship.

 

Someone died? She caught you in bed with her best friend, fine yell and scream.

 

Stupid bickering about text messages? WHY, why are you in a relationship like this?

 

Hee texts sound confrontational, and youe responses are as well. How old are you two?

[tinkerbell16]

My girlfriend thinks that I dont listen or understand her feelings. Im going to try and be fair here and give the truth and get your opinion.

 

I feel like she is often upset about the craziest things. Even sometimes she gets upset at things that I do that she does all the time and it blows my mind. Sometimes its just basic things that every human does.

 

Usually what happens is SHE ASK ME A QUESTION that I feel like is a rediculous question and I usually ask her back the same question but in an instance that she did the same thing to me. This really pisses her off and she cannot stand it. Im trying to prove a point. Not fight. Just say "hey you do the same".

 

For example:

Her: Why are you on facebook when you say you are working today? How can you check facebook?

Me: Your working. How can you check facebook and see that I am on? Why do I always see you on facebook all the time at work? Why are you on there every night before bed?

 

Her: Why didn't you text me this morning? You didn't care about me?

Me: Why didn't you text me? You could have easily texted me too? Your busy thinking about why I didn't text you while I was busy doing something else not thinking about anything being wrong. If you wanted to talk why didn't you just text me?

 

Her: Why didn't you tell me you were going to the gym today.

Me: Why didnt you tell me you were going to the mall after work yesterday?

 

Ok I think you see the point.

 

What do you think? She HATES this and usually yells and screams when I do this. To me she is being completely hypocritical. To her I dont care. I dont listen. I dont understand her feelings.

 

Whats going on?

 

Your "responses" are passive aggressive and by doing this you are not validating her feelings (which makes her think you don't care). I am surprised you didn't include "I know you are but what am I?".

[BaileyB]

That would really piss me off too...

[jrharvey]

Your "responses" are passive aggressive and by doing this you are not validating her feelings (which makes her think you don't care). I am surprised you didn't include "I know you are but what am I?".

 

This is just what is going through my head. If I am acting wrong I would like to correct it. They are usually asked in a manner where I can tell she is upset. She is indicating I am doing something wrong. Even something basic like eating. I never feel like there is a need to explain basic things that I do to her especially when she does them too. I dont know how to answer and satisfy her. I have tried just answering her questions but they are usually followed my asking the same question again in a more threatening tone. Its made me very defensive.

 

So how can I validate her feelings? I ALWAYS feel like she is trying to start fights when doing this. Because once she ask a basic question like this it always starts a fight. How can I UNDERSTAND?

[thelastunicorn]

You're both immature and she's insecure. All of the examples given show that she has problems trusting you and your responses are typical passive aggressive and avoidance behavior that cheaters use. Not saying you're a cheater, but the way you respond breeds insecurity. You need to figure out if being right or if making your girlfriend happy is more important.

 

I strongly recommend trying to learn how to empathize and understand other ppl. Being able to understand other people's perspective is a very helpful social skill.

[Lorenza]

Ok, read the first part of the story and got some questions to you, OP.

 

Do you have low esteem?

Did someone instill to you at some point of your life that a man needs to do everything to satisfy a woman?

 

Op, you matter. There's so much about her happiness (or lack of it) in your text, but where does your happiness come into picture? I'm sorry to say, but this girl, although possibly affected by her past traumas, is manipulative as hell. It's not only her insecurities, it's her wish to have total control over you. And you let her have it. She pulls a string and seeing that it didn't break, she pulls it tighter. It has nothing to do with her need to be loved, it's about getting a certain satisfaction from seeing that she can control, demand and punish. She needs her fix of being a victom.

 

I don't say she's a bad person, she's like a child who acts bratty and doesn't face consequences. You need to give her consequences. But most of all, you need to DO YOU, live for YOU, breath!! I'm getting suffocated by just reading your text, how do you live??

[basil67]

My girlfriend thinks that I dont listen or understand her feelings. Im going to try and be fair here and give the truth and get your opinion.

 

I feel like she is often upset about the craziest things. Even sometimes she gets upset at things that I do that she does all the time and it blows my mind. Sometimes its just basic things that every human does.

 

Usually what happens is SHE ASK ME A QUESTION that I feel like is a rediculous question and I usually ask her back the same question but in an instance that she did the same thing to me. This really pisses her off and she cannot stand it. Im trying to prove a point. Not fight. Just say "hey you do the same".

 

For example:

Her: Why are you on facebook when you say you are working today? How can you check facebook?

Me: Your working. How can you check facebook and see that I am on? Why do I always see you on facebook all the time at work? Why are you on there every night before bed?

 

Her: Why didn't you text me this morning? You didn't care about me?

Me: Why didn't you text me? You could have easily texted me too? Your busy thinking about why I didn't text you while I was busy doing something else not thinking about anything being wrong. If you wanted to talk why didn't you just text me?

 

Her: Why didn't you tell me you were going to the gym today.

Me: Why didnt you tell me you were going to the mall after work yesterday?

 

Ok I think you see the point.

 

What do you think? She HATES this and usually yells and screams when I do this. To me she is being completely hypocritical. To her I dont care. I dont listen. I dont understand her feelings.

 

Whats going on?

 

Both of you are wrong here in these examples.

 

She needs to state her needs in terms of positives rather than criticise you. For example, "I'd really appreciate if you texted me when you woke up" is much less likely to get up your nose and provoke your awful responses. And yes, your responses would get up my nose too.

 

That being said, her demands both in this post and your first one are unreasonable. And she keeps coming up with more demands because YOU REWARD her for being this way.

 

At some time or another, you're going to have to enforce your boundaries and learn the word "no".

 

Try sentences such as "I will not discuss this with you" (regarding why you were on FB instead of working)

 

"Please don't expect me to report in each time I do X"

 

"I can't keep up with your expectations of texting. I will message you when I have time"

 

"I offered to make you food and you refused. I will not accept you being upset at me for doing what you said"

 

See where I'm going? Frankly, she sounds like she was a child who was given everything she asked for.

 

Yes, she's going to get pissy when you start saying 'no'. But do not buy into her arguments. Frankly, I think that when you start looking after your own boundaries, she will leave you because she will be unable to continue bullying you into constantly jumping through hoops. But at least you will be able to hold your head high with self respect - which is more than you're doing at present.

[lilnomar33]

Its sounds alot like my ex only you can decided if you think it will improve with age..all i can say was towards the end of my relationship i was so exhausted i just completely tune her out cause i couldn't handle it anymore. But op just make sure if you think it can get better and you and her can make work than by all mean stay with her... Cause with me there was other issue's that pop up that made me give up on her.

[bummer]

So how can I validate her feelings? I ALWAYS feel like she is trying to start fights when doing this. Because once she ask a basic question like this it always starts a fight. How can I UNDERSTAND?

 

validate her feelings? She validates her victimization and insecurities by trying to nail you to the wall every time. You do understand. You're ignoring it. If you wish to stay with her so badly, you need to start treating a bratty child like an adult would treat a bratty child. Don't get sucked into her mind games. Set boundaries. Say no. And frankly, walk out of the room when she wants to ask leading questions. She follows, drive away. If she doesn't start acting like an adult or leaves you that's your signal she was NEVER growing out of this. Let her find a new punching bag for her insecurities.

Edited June 22, 2016 by bummer

[gorf]

The thing that drives me nuts is she tells me she is very happy and very in love. She says we have a great relationship.

 

Ok.. but most of the things in your original post show the actions of someone (her) who is dissatisfied. Btw, I agree with basil67's last post regarding sentences and why you should start that. But that aside, hers what I gather...

 

She needs lots of attention and validation. We get this.

She needs to feel loved by your actions, not words. Got it.

But as you say, she does not think you can understand her, even if she explains in detail and breaks it all down for you.

 

She wants to feel wanted. All women do, and guys too to a lesser extent. Sounds like she needs it a bit more. She wants to be understood, and I mean perused. Maybe ask her more about her life, and I mean details and gritty stuff.. if you don't already. Like bigger deeper stuff. It at least shows you want to understand her. Probably based on past relationships, friendships, not feeling "good enough" to people in different ways, is why she feels the way she does.

 

After a few months, everyone relaxes a bit. You are probably at that point. You don't feel like you need to text her every 5 minutes and do/say this and that. Cause as a guy, as I am, we assume after a certain period of time, the other person knows you are two are good. So there is less need, so to speak, to show constant validation. But this can come across as loosing interest. Maybe she feels like you are loosing interest, and this is why, and its making her act and say what she does. I had to explain that to a woman once, that it was me relaxing around her.. in a good way... and that she was taking that as loosing interest. Needness to say, it was the right conversation to have with her cause her sorta needy attitude and need for validation constantly really really relaxed to a healthy level. Just a thought

Edited June 22, 2016 by gorf

[Emilia]

I think for her it goes well beyond immaturity and I'm not sure it can be fixed ever. Some people grow up emotionally neglected and constantly crave validation they never received. They can think very negatively whenever some validation received why it isn't good enough and why the other person is just saying that or they don't mean it or if they meant it they would be texting all day.

 

I can't know for sure in the case of your girlfriend but for a lot of people this is a bottomless pit. Because they are so needy and insecure, they can be never satisfied, you would always have to be a step ahead and it's impossible.

 

Exhausting too, for sure.

[Aniela]

I can be needy at times, but not this much (unless someone has really hurt me/crossed a line). When it's strong, I know that I'm aware there isn't much that can be done to stop it - I have to do something, like walk off the anxiety.

 

I would also make a list of what you do *right* (if I were her). Something grounding, like that. I only skimmed your post, because I have to go. I'm sorry I don't have something more helpful to add.