Author Esquire_Seattle Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 Well after over a week of ignoring I finally answered his call. He came clean. Apparently he was seeing the girl before he met me, they were not exclusive and after he met me, instead of being honest of letting her down, he simply faded and started ignoring her. About a week before she showed up, he ran into her at Starbucks. Told her he had a girlfriend now. It was during his lunch and he didn't have a lot of time to explain and since then, she was blowing up his phone and then stopped by. When she did, he panicked. Was afraid I would run and never forgive him and one lie just turned into a heap of them. He's been so irritatingly persistent because he needed to at least tell me the entire truth so if I decide to move on at least I did so knowing the full story. Any chance we can start over and this is repairable?
Buddhist Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Well after over a week of ignoring I finally answered his call. He came clean. Apparently he was seeing the girl before he met me, they were not exclusive and after he met me, instead of being honest of letting her down, he simply faded and started ignoring her. About a week before she showed up, he ran into her at Starbucks. Told her he had a girlfriend now. It was during his lunch and he didn't have a lot of time to explain and since then, she was blowing up his phone and then stopped by. When she did, he panicked. Was afraid I would run and never forgive him and one lie just turned into a heap of them. He's been so irritatingly persistent because he needed to at least tell me the entire truth so if I decide to move on at least I did so knowing the full story. Any chance we can start over and this is repairable? Only you can decide that. It's obvious he wants to keep going so balls in your court. 1
kidm Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Well after over a week of ignoring I finally answered his call. He came clean. Apparently he was seeing the girl before he met me, they were not exclusive and after he met me, instead of being honest of letting her down, he simply faded and started ignoring her. About a week before she showed up, he ran into her at Starbucks. Told her he had a girlfriend now. It was during his lunch and he didn't have a lot of time to explain and since then, she was blowing up his phone and then stopped by. When she did, he panicked. Was afraid I would run and never forgive him and one lie just turned into a heap of them. He's been so irritatingly persistent because he needed to at least tell me the entire truth so if I decide to move on at least I did so knowing the full story. Any chance we can start over and this is repairable? So he has a problem with being honest and has a history of fading and ignoring women he has had some involvement with in the past. Is that someone you want to be with? If they were not exclusive, I find it hard to believe she would show up at his house AFTER he told him he had a girlfriend. Seems crazy. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) Well after over a week of ignoring I finally answered his call. He came clean. Apparently he was seeing the girl before he met me, they were not exclusive and after he met me, instead of being honest of letting her down, he simply faded and started ignoring her. About a week before she showed up, he ran into her at Starbucks. Told her he had a girlfriend now. It was during his lunch and he didn't have a lot of time to explain and since then, she was blowing up his phone and then stopped by. When she did, he panicked. Was afraid I would run and never forgive him and one lie just turned into a heap of them. He's been so irritatingly persistent because he needed to at least tell me the entire truth so if I decide to move on at least I did so knowing the full story. Any chance we can start over and this is repairable? If it were one of us more mature/experienced/self-respecting women and we were experiencing what she was experiencing, we would have taken the hint and left it alone. But, she chased, harrassed and had the nerve to show up at his door even after he did tell her he'd moved on directly. That's not gonna sit right with him. Like, even if he would have changed his mind about her, this behavior would shut him down anyway. He's now come clean and now is persistent about seeing the OP. I'd say, start over, observe his behavior, don't have sex for a while. If he starts doing the same thing with the OP, she knows what not to do for sure. She doesn't know if he's going to be more serious with her until she gives him that opportunity. They weren't even exclusive. He didn't owe the other one anything. In his mind, at least, he wasn't seeing the other girl anymore. Yeah, maybe he could have been more upfront with the the other girl, but then again, he wasn't that into her enough to care to do that, so be it. Not only that, given her way of dealing with all this, it may be that he actually dodged a bullet himself. Regardless of the fact that he did a fade on the other girl, he did tell her at Starbucks that he had a girlfriend now and she still wouldn't let go. She's immature and desperate. Frankly, given her behavior, it probably was apparent to him that she wouldn't take the news of him not wanting to see her anymore very well anyway. I get why he'd avoid not going there with her. If she'd been demonstrating maturity while seeing her, he might have been more upfront with her right away. I think people do the whole fade thing sometimes when they've dated a couple of people who may have demonstrated something that indicates they don't take no for answer well, had a tantrum or emotional outburst, etc. Edited June 24, 2016 by Redhead14
Maggie888 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 I think he is still lying. It makes no sense. He ghosts her but then wgen he bumps into her at starbucks tells her he has a GF? Why does he suddenly have the courage to be honest with her in person when he couldnt even mister up a text to end it? And even if that were true, why then would she start texting him and just show up? They only had a casual relationship. He is still lying and the most likely scenario is ge recently saw and/or communicated with her such that she was compeled to just stop by unannounced. Herrs what Id do: 1. Conta t the girl and get the truth. A simple FB message --" are u seeing John? " Or 2. Ask him to show you the texts or messenger or whatever. Im sure he has deleted them convenimetly. So ask him to show you his bill then so you can verify he never texted her since dating you. He should be willing to go above and beyind to prove this to you. Esp since he wants to have kids with you and all. But i suspect he wont and will site a myriad of excused and reasons for not doing so.
Cablebandit Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 He should RUN from you. This much drama over so little in the honeymoon stage....RUN Mr RUN.
Maggie888 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 The most likely scenario is he dated/saw her in the past. Stopped when he met you. Then bumped into her at Starbucks. Resumed contact and/or hooking up. That is why she felt compelled to randomly drop by. Usually liars throw in part of the truth...ie ran into her starbucks...but leave out the damaging part ie hooked up with her after starbucks. He is banking on you not varifying any of this. It is easily varifiable and you should verify it so yiu know if he is a safe partner to date. 1
DreamP Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Any chance we can start over and this is repairable? Wow, this is a tough one. One side of me can see his side. I think we all fudge the truth a bit when we are trying to impress somebody. But then I think, do you really want to invest your precious time into somebody who cascades a series of lies? I would ask the question, how much do you really like this guy. If it was just "i like him but there are more fish in the sea" I would not try again. If it is more like, "he could be THE one," then maybe give him another chance. We all make mistakes.
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Redhead I agree with your last post except the part about withholding sex.... For what purpose? Punishment? Manipulation? To teach him a lesson? To gauge his reaction? Or some other *test*? Seems immature and silly to me. Just more dishonesty and games...... I have never understood your rationale for advising that...... ES, if you really like this guy and believe he is being sincere about all this, I say go for it.... Obviously he is really into you and was practically moving mountains to prove that to you.... Hopefully lesson learned for him to always be honest and truthful.... you very clearly won't tolerate anything less. And don't withhold sex, geez... Withholding sex is manipulation and serves no purpose imo...... and will only cause more confusion and problems .... Best of luck and keep us posted!
Maggie888 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Just contact the girl and be done with it. Put this to rest. Its so silly to speculate and wait and see and risk and wonder and snoop and discuss etc etc etc. Send her a FB message and find out whats up.
Redhead14 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Redhead I agree with your last post except the part about withholding sex.... For what purpose? Punishment? Manipulation? To teach him a lesson? To gauge his reaction? Or some other *test*? Seems immature and silly to me. Just more dishonesty and games...... I have never understood your rationale for advising that...... ES, if you really like this guy and believe he is being sincere about all this, I say go for it.... Obviously he is really into you and was practically moving mountains to prove that to you.... Hopefully lesson learned for him to always be honest and truthful.... you very clearly won't tolerate anything less. And don't withhold sex, geez... Withholding sex is manipulation and serves no purpose imo...... and will only cause more confusion and problems .... Best of luck and keep us posted! First of all, even if they've already had sex, they are not in a committed exclusive relationship as far as I can tell. She has no "obligation" to have sex with him at all and until he clearly demonstrates his sincerity with her given he's made a misstep, she absolutely has the right to not be intimate with him until she is comfortable again about his intentions. Otherwise, she's putting herself in the position of possibly being used for sex. She needs to explain that she likes him and now has some misgivings and would like to hit the reset button and work on really getting to know one another and rebuild her comfort level. He needs to earn her trust. And, frankly, the reason a woman shouldn't have sex early with a man is because the trust hasn't been fully established. That is the reason so man women get so "insecure" after they sleep with a man early and sometimes after the first time if it happens later. She doesn't know if she can trust him yet. In a well-established, committed relationship, a woman should never use sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation. And, even then, she is not obligated to be intimate. If she doesn't want to be intimate for some reason, tired, distracted, stressed, she should tell the man the reason and he should respect that. But, if she is angry with him or using it as a weapon, that is wrong. If she loves the man and they are having some kind of disagreement, etc., that stays outside of the bedroom. Put aside differences. There is a difference between just dating someone and being in an established committed relationship when it comes to intimacy. Physical intimacy is the second biggest thing that distinguishes romantic relationship from any other relationship a person has. The first is emotional intimacy/communication.
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) @RH... oh I agree if ES is uncomfortable having sex then by all means she should NOT have sex!! But she has not expressed that... until she does I am going to go with she is very much attracted to this man, and he to her.... they are exclusive (hell he as told her he loves her)... and sex was an important element in their connection. Intentionally withholding sex now (which is how I interpreted your post)...as some sort of punishment or manipulation.... despite it being part of their RL and connection, is wrong. All RLs experiences snags and wrinkles that need to be ironed out. Especially early on. This was a big one... but IMO his actions after the fact indicate he has strong feelings for her... and has learned that she won't tolerate any sort of BS... We teach people how to treat us, you know that. She has taught him that, again, she will not tolerate ANY deception or any other type of BS. It sounds like she still has feelings for him, very much so. Obviously he has strong feelings for her too. Hopefully they can iron out this very large wrinkle, learn from it and move forward. IF she is uncomfortable having sex for awhile, then sure by all means she should not have it. But she should NOT intentionally withhold .... until he proves himself or she trusts him. If she does not trust him NOW (before they get back) ....then she should just forget the whole thing and move on... Edited June 24, 2016 by katiegrl
Maggie888 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Obviously she should not have sex with him until she can verify his story which is EASILY done. Unless she is capable of no-emotion sex which I doubt is the case. She really shouldnt even see or talk to him until see can verify. IF she is going to jump back in and just accept his word as truth, then she can jump in on whatever terms she wants or feels comfortable with, assuming he is game for that. Some such terms could be: going on dates outside the home only for a while, no sex for a while, transparency with phone, or no terms just full blown back in the same relationship. Personally I dont think she should jump back in to any extent until she has verified if the man is telling the truth or not Some might say the fact she is even has to verify anything at this early stage is reason enough to just move on, which may be true as well. This guys hands are dirty, that we know for sure. He also get a big strike in my book for the ridiculous love bombing about having kids together, and the go-to coping mechanism of lying
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) Personally I dont think she should jump back in to any extent until she has verified if the man is telling the truth or not Some might say the fact she is even has to verify anything at this early stage is reason enough to just move on, which may be true as well. Despite his essentially lovebombing her... they have only been dating a short time.... if this is how she feels now, at this early state, that she doesn't trust him and needs to verify his story before deciding whether or not to give it another go.... then I agree she should just move on. IMO she either believes him and trusts he is telling the truth OR NOT. If not, move on. This is not a LTR where their investment is such they need to verify facts and negotiate how to move past this. This early on is when you evaluate and decide whether or not this is someone to proceed forward with. If not you move on. Next. It's over. Edited June 24, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Obviously she should not have sex with him until she can verify his story which is EASILY done. Maggie, just out of curiosity, how could verifying his story be easily done? I am not suggesting it can't, just wondering how, tis all. Without speaking with the girl, which would no doubt cause a whole slew of other problems and more drama.
Maggie888 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 YOu verify it one of two ways: 1. Ask him to show you the messages between you two. I'm certain he will have conveniently deleted them. Or ask to see his cell recodrs online to see the extent and timing of the contact 2. You message or contact her directly yourself and ask her "Hey woman to woman, can you give me a timeline of you and XXX's recent dating history" I realize they have only been together a couple months, but if he is going to throw out Big Relationship terms like "love" and "children" and "life together" then SURELY doing a quick verification as such is no big deal. Anyway his reaction to requesting her name and/or the text records will tell you alot. He should be more than willing to give them to her if this is all just a big misunderstanding and he has done nothing wrong like he claims
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) YOu verify it one of two ways: 1. Ask him to show you the messages between you two. I'm certain he will have conveniently deleted them. Or ask to see his cell recodrs online to see the extent and timing of the contact 2. You message or contact her directly yourself and ask her "Hey woman to woman, can you give me a timeline of you and XXX's recent dating history" I realize they have only been together a couple months, but if he is going to throw out Big Relationship terms like "love" and "children" and "life together" then SURELY doing a quick verification as such is no big deal. Anyway his reaction to requesting her name and/or the text records will tell you alot. He should be more than willing to give them to her if this is all just a big misunderstanding and he has done nothing wrong like he claims Okay thanks. Personally, if this were me I wouldn't bother. TOO MUCH DRAMA. If she feels she needs to do all this before even starting to trust him.... then as I said she should just move on. Too early for all that .... hell if I EVER felt I had to do all that in order to trust a man, I would just move on. I mean contact the other chick asking for timeline or dating history? That's a bit much. I prefer to not get caught up in that game... and just next him. And yeah he shouldn't be lovebombing her either... with I love you's, talk about kids, etc. after only two months. THAT right there might be a bigger red flag! Or an equally big red flag. Edited June 24, 2016 by katiegrl
Maggie888 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 I agree at 2 months or whatever in its awful to have to be doing this stuff, or considering it. Her boyfriend had an unknown female show up at his doorstep at night, unannounced, and was lied to about it after the fact. To me, that is enough to end the short relationship. However, as OP said she is very invested and he is otherwise a great man. They have been talking about a future together. It seems she is considering giving him a chance as she has asked if this is "repairable". If she is willing to try to repair it, she needs to first verify his story using the means I set forth. If it checks out, then she saves herself a lot of grief and second guessing and doubt. They will be on good footing to rebuild. If it doesnt check out, she saves herself wasting prescious time and lots of future grief down the line.
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 I think you over-reacted. He is not responsible for some crazy ex ringing his door. If she had been involved with him she would have walked past him and come straight into the house demanding to see who he is with. Sure you spoke about past relationships but if he dated a lot he only mentioned the important ones. In the past 4 years I dated gazillion men and had many micro-relationships and I don't mention those to my boyfriend, they're not important and yes one day one of them can come and knock at my door. To the question would I tell my boyfriend if some ex kept texting me? No, I would not bother him with this, I can solve my problems on my own. I had several ex contact me since beginning of my relationship and I have never mentioned to him. It's no big deal and I shut them down. The way your boyfriend is trying to get back in your life is over the top but that does not make him a bad guy. If he had all types of women at his feet he wouldn't be going through all this trouble to get you back. I think he is over the top because he feels you left him unfairly.
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 I think you over-reacted. He is not responsible for some crazy ex ringing his door. He could be though.... If he was seeing her also, saying all the same things he was saying to ES.... leading her to believe they were in a RL also.... then while no he didn't force her to come to his door.... his actions led her to believe it was OKAY for her to come to his door.. Thus making him somewhat responsible. I am not suggesting this is what happened. Apparently he had been seeing her though....
Author Esquire_Seattle Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 Wow guys thank you so much for your detailed replies and opinions. I really, really appreciate everyone taking the time. It's nice to have neutral opinions as my friends are leaning from one extreme to the other. For what it's worth, I know it's only been two months and seems so ridiculous to even be spending this much time analyzing, but yes, besides the lie I do really like the guy and would have liked the opportunity to see what could develop between us. For what it's worth, he has given me her name and said I can look at whatever texts I want. But I'm not interested in that level of interrogation or drama. If I decide to forgive him, we move on and start over with a clean slate. If I don't, i let him go and move on. 1
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) For what it's worth, he has given me her name and said I can look at whatever texts I want. But I'm not interested in that level of interrogation or drama. If I decide to forgive him, we move on and start over with a clean slate. If I don't, i let him go and move on. My sentiments exactly and posted as such... much much too early for all that drama. Not that there is ever a time for all that drama.... like you I strive to stay away from all that crap. No matter how long we've been dating. In any event....if you do choose to start over with a clean slate... I support that decision and wish you guys all the best!! Edited June 24, 2016 by katiegrl
MovingOnIsHard Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Hmm... if this guy truly was serious about not wanting to do anything with this ex, he should have done eveything necessary to keep her from visiting him unexpectedly. If this is a recurring issue, he would have reported her behaviour to the police for harrassment and trespassing. My ex last year came to my workplace and left flowers for me (never saw him though, my coworker received it on my behalf). I was already steady with my curreny bf and I was very upset about it. So i reported it to the police, they called him up, and warned him to leave me alone. Afterwards, never heard from him again. No emails, nothing. This wasn't the first time. He had dropped off my clothes in my old apt (he wasn't aware i moved) despite me saying "no". And also invites for coffee and "catching up"...
Maggie888 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 For what it's worth, he has given me her name and said I can look at whatever texts I want. But I'm not interested in that level of interrogation or drama. If I decide to forgive him, we move on and start over with a clean slate. This is such a mistake my friend. Its very idealistic and just foolish really. Verifying something does not errode trust or jinx your relationship. You only know him 2 months. How else can you just blindly jump in to something so important as your life/relationship without performing one simple task to comfirm something so important? Too too many people have this conventional faulty thinking that its wrong to verify. He is banking on the fact most woman wouldnt follow up and verify.
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