Esquire_Seattle Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 My head is spinning from so much analyzing I'm turning this over to the experts at loveshack! Was introduced to a guy at a local seminar for attorneys looking to network. We hit it off pretty well, started with coffee one day, then lunch, dinner and have now become intimate and spending tons of time together. It's been an intense two months. Trying to keep a cool head after my last disasterous relationship but also enjoying the honeymoon stage of not being able to get enough of each other, drunk in love, etc. We have a great connection, similar interests, and he seems to do and say all the right things, almost suspiciously. Cut to the chase - we were at his house two nights ago and ordered a pizza. It was delivered no problem. An hour later the doorbell rings again. We thought it was kind of strange but he told me to sit tight and he answered the door and went outside. I looked through the front window and it was some girl. He talked to her for about 30 seconds and then came back in. Said it was a girl he dated before he met me. That's she's been texting him and stopping by and he's been ignoring her. I think my head spun around 360 degrees while I gathered all my things and called a cab to take me back to my apartment. We talked about past relationships and marriages (I'm divorced) and he never mentioned her. I have a pretty low tolerance for lying but I also tend to overreact due to my baggage. So I have literally cut him off and he's been texting, calling, stopping by, and even went so far as to leave a handwritten letter on my car windshield this morning. My instincts are usually pretty good but for some reason I can't get a read as to whether I'm overreacting or something is off. He is a top attorney in his field, he's pretty skilled in telling stories so I'm not even ready to hear an explanation because I feel it will be fabricated. I really like this guy even though it's been such a short time but I also know and I don't know if I'm missing red flags or just operating out of fear. I will also add that he is way eager to move this relationship forward at a rapid pace. Already told me he's falling in love with me and he's never felt like this, etc. I just listen and say that I appreciate the sentiment but I'm not there yet. Thoughts?
DreamP Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 It sounds like you overacted. Why are you blaming him for having a crazy ex-date stalking him. He can't control that. 2
Author Esquire_Seattle Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 It sounds like you overacted. Why are you blaming him for having a crazy ex-date stalking him. He can't control that. That's the thing - I'm not sure I believe him - or he's dating us both. He never mentioned her to to me at all and we talked about good/bad dates and who we've dated recently. He also never mentioned a girl has been texting and stopping by. Wouldn't you mention that to the person you're seeing?
BlueIris Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 That's the thing - I'm not sure I believe him - or he's dating us both. He never mentioned her to to me at all and we talked about good/bad dates and who we've dated recently. He also never mentioned a girl has been texting and stopping by. Wouldn't you mention that to the person you're seeing? Yes, I would, especially given the bolded above. Seems cagey to me and I don't like cagey. I like simple and direct. 2
katiegrl Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I agree, it seems very odd that some girl from his past whom he had NEVER mentioned just stopped by unexpectedly. I think you are right to be suspicious and also his seeming to push things forward at such a rapid pace. He's in love with you already? After only two months and he NEVER felt like that before? Did he tell you this before or after the other woman showed up unexpectedly? Putting your baggage aside, what is your GUT telling you? Follow that.... 1
katiegrl Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 That's the thing - I'm not sure I believe him - or he's dating us both. He never mentioned her to to me at all and we talked about good/bad dates and who we've dated recently. He also never mentioned a girl has been texting and stopping by. Wouldn't you mention that to the person you're seeing? If you are not sure you believe him, then you don't believe him... Frankly, given everything you just told us, I wouldn't either...
kendahke Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Grind this ride to a halt and get off. There's nothing to go on anymore--you esteem him to be a liar. That's the end of that line. There is nothing more to consider for this relationship unless you're just down for some drama. 1
kismetkismet Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 It seems a bit fishy to me.. It just doesn't make sense to me that this girl that he previously dated would keep on dropping by if he'd told her he was seeing someone else and asked her to stop - unless she was unstable, in which case I feel like he'd have mentioned it to you. Particularly if exes have been expressly discussed. I don't really know anyone that just drops by anyone else's house in the first place without at least a text unless they are a couple, and even then.. so something is odd. What has he said to you in his apologies? has he attempted to explain it further? it seems like your gut is pretty ferociously indicating that something is suspicious and to be honest I really can't think of a situation that doesn't involve him at the very least omitting telling a girl he used to date that keeps on dropping by he is dating someone else and that she should stop. If she's still doing it, he's likely encouraged it in some way. 2
Larryville Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I really like this guy even though it's been such a short time but I also know and I don't know if I'm missing red flags or just operating out of fear. I'm a "go with your gut" type of person. That is what keeps people alive and saves you from wasting time and potential heartache. 3
Author Esquire_Seattle Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 I'm a "go with your gut" type of person. That is what keeps people alive and saves you from wasting time and potential heartache. I totally agree and I'm usually pretty spot on. I just can't seem to determine one way or the other where it's leading me.
Jersey born raised Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I read fighter pilots live by several simple rules one of which is: honour the threat. Red flags are threats, respect them by verifying. If you cannot verify, move on. 1
preraph Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 The red flag would be that she didn't come up in conversation when you discussed past relationships. You didn't say whether you'd agreed to be mutually exclusive or not. If not, he probably does see another woman sometimes. And she was probably one of them. Maybe he didn't ever take her serious and didn't classify her as "past relationship" if he's recently been having the flirtation or affair with her. If you have talked about being exclusive, then your question to him is then why hasn't he told her to stay away because he has a girlfriend? So yes, there is some blame to go around here. So ask him why she didn't come up in the talk about past relationships and let him explain. But if you have no exclusive agreement, then now is the time he better offer you one, right? And if you do, then you need a full explanation and are probably right not to be talking to him right now. Good luck. 2
katiegrl Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 You didn't say whether you'd agreed to be mutually exclusive or not. If not, he probably does see another woman sometimes. And she was probably one of them. Well I would hope they are exclusive and he isn't dating/possibly screwing other women. Regardless of whether or not they have discussed it. He told her he was in love with her and has never felt that way before. So if he IS still keeping options open, that is pretty effin screwed up... and she should dump him for that. 2
Author Esquire_Seattle Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 We both agreed to be exclusive when we started sleeping together - about three weeks in or over a month ago. His explanation makes no sense whatsoever and the timeline keeps changing. And it seems to me he's deflecting - he keeps asking why it matter if it was in that past. I was literally having a physical reaction when listening to him speak, almost like fight or flight. Thank you LS, I'm done. 7
spiderowl Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Someone turning up on his doorstep like that is definitely odd if he's never mentioned her before. I think I would slow things down with him and talk to him, see what he's got to say about her. Why didn't he mention her before? Why did she turn up at his door? I would think it was probably genuinely unannounced because he's not likely to have invited her round when expecting you to be there.
tuxedo cat Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I think you made the right choice. I would be creeped out too, and his aggressive pursuit of you after is also a bit alarming (leaving a note on your car)? He sounds a bit over the top like the girl... My first thought would also be did he do something to this girl to make her act this way? Obviously stalking is never justified but I've noticed that when a meet a guy with "stalkers" he often is enabling/triggering the behavior in some fashion, whether it's lovebombing a girl and leading her on or being attracted to drama. Of course there are exceptions but al of these variables together give me a weird feeling too. 3
Author Esquire_Seattle Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 I think you made the right choice. I would be creeped out too, and his aggressive pursuit of you after is also a bit alarming (leaving a note on your car)? He sounds a bit over the top like the girl... My first thought would also be did he do something to this girl to make her act this way? Obviously stalking is never justified but I've noticed that when a meet a guy with "stalkers" he often is enabling/triggering the behavior in some fashion, whether it's lovebombing a girl and leading her on or being attracted to drama. Of course there are exceptions but al of these variables together give me a weird feeling too. Tuxedo cat that's genius! And probably pretty spot on. I wonder if he did lovebomb her and tell her all the same stuff he told me so early on. And then potentially went cold or disappeared altogether. Yikes, the more I think about this the more it's creeping me out. 1
Author Esquire_Seattle Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Ok so literally this guy has been texting and calling non stop. Begging to just meet and talk, swearing the girl was before me and never overlapped, swears she came by because he's been ignoring her texts. Which makes me ask why in the world he would ignore her texts and not have common decency to tell her he has a girlfriend or just wasn't interested. Not to mention, the stuff he's been texting me (he knows I'm the one for him, our kids would be so cute, I'm definitely his soul mate.) Red flags galore. Thanks for your advise everyone. Any ideas on what work I need to do on myself to figure out why I keep attracting and being attracted to dysfunction. I go to therapy regularly apparently it's not helping. 3
Redhead14 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I kinda doubt that he is seeing her seriously if at all because since she showed up and you were there and it only took 30 seconds to get rid of her, she'd be suspicious or pissy about him having another woman in his apartment. She'd be up his ass wondering why he kept her out and got rid of her. Sure, she'd be blowing up his phone at least or made a bigger scene when she was there, etc. That's the scenario I'd predict anyway. Put yourself in her shoes.
Author Esquire_Seattle Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 I kinda doubt that he is seeing her seriously if at all because since she showed up and you were there and it only took 30 seconds to get rid of her, she'd be suspicious or pissy about him having another woman in his apartment. She'd be up his ass wondering why he kept her out and got rid of her. Sure, she'd be blowing up his phone at least or made a bigger scene when she was there, etc. That's the scenario I'd predict anyway. Put yourself in her shoes. I thought about that too, but since it really was only 30 seconds he could have said any number of things: "Babe my mom unexpectedly stopped by, I'll call you in an hour." "My boss is inside with a work emergency, I'll come see you shortly."
BlueIris Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Ok so literally this guy has been texting and calling non stop. Begging to just meet and talk, swearing the girl was before me and never overlapped, swears she came by because he's been ignoring her texts. Which makes me ask why in the world he would ignore her texts and not have common decency to tell her he has a girlfriend or just wasn't interested. Not to mention, the stuff he's been texting me (he knows I'm the one for him, our kids would be so cute, I'm definitely his soul mate.) Red flags galore. Thanks for your advise everyone. Any ideas on what work I need to do on myself to figure out why I keep attracting and being attracted to dysfunction. I go to therapy regularly apparently it's not helping. Oh, geeze. Well, you see the red flags. That's good. If you haven't already, tell him it isn't a good match for you and wish him well. But you've made quite a leap there- how is there something wrong with you because this, or other guys you've dated, are a mess? It isn't as though you fall for their crap or marry them or anything like that. You're ending it when dysfunction becomes evident, and that's just dating.
Redhead14 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I thought about that too, but since it really was only 30 seconds he could have said any number of things: "Babe my mom unexpectedly stopped by, I'll call you in an hour." "My boss is inside with a work emergency, I'll come see you shortly." Eh, if I were her, I'd be thinking, yeah, right Mom, Boss. If it were one of those two anyway, he would haven't be hush hush about it. If he really is seeing her or she's his girlfriend or she thinks she's his girlfriend, he wouldn't care if they knew she was there in that case. This woman is chasing this guy and he can't shake her. he should put a restraining order on her. Suggest that to him and observe his reaction . . . "Babe my mom unexpectedly stopped by, I'll call you in an hour." "My boss is inside with a work emergency, I'll come see you shortly." -- Do you think you would have been there longer than an hour if this hadn't happened. I mean, was your visit just gonna be a short one anyway? 1
kismetkismet Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Any ideas on what work I need to do on myself to figure out why I keep attracting and being attracted to dysfunction. I go to therapy regularly apparently it's not helping. I think it's really easy after having a couple of bad dating experiences to make global assumptions about the 'type' of guys we attract and how much of it is our fault. You really shouldn't blame yourself in any way for this, the fact of the matter is that there are a lot of ****ty people out there and you can't always protect yourself from being hurt. being hurt is part of life and the important thing is to recognize that s**tty people being s**tty to you is not personal and does not say anything about you as a person. You can't know anyone enough in two months to *know* whether a person is good or bad or what their intentions are. you should be very glad that you were given an opportunity to see his true colours as soon as you did rather than investing more time in it. You did everything you could, you got to know someone who was being good to you, but didn't let him feed you BS lines when that was evidently no longer the case. 2
katiegrl Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 (edited) I kinda doubt that he is seeing her seriously if at all because since she showed up and you were there and it only took 30 seconds to get rid of her, she'd be suspicious or pissy about him having another woman in his apartment. She'd be up his ass wondering why he kept her out and got rid of her. Sure, she'd be blowing up his phone at least or made a bigger scene when she was there, etc. That's the scenario I'd predict anyway. Put yourself in her shoes. I don't agree RH (and BTW nice to see you back!).... he's definitely feeling guilty about something. I mean he is now calling, texting, non-stop, apologizing, swearing she didn't mean anything etc etc etc..... men (people!) who do NOT feel guilty or believe they did anything wrong.... do NOT behave that way. They would be like "hey, I am telling you the truth, if you don't believe me or trust me, so be it." And let it go. Yeah, this guy has got a guilty conscience about something .... that is very obvious at least to me. Edited June 23, 2016 by katiegrl 1
tinkerbell16 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Ok so literally this guy has been texting and calling non stop. Begging to just meet and talk, swearing the girl was before me and never overlapped, swears she came by because he's been ignoring her texts. Which makes me ask why in the world he would ignore her texts and not have common decency to tell her he has a girlfriend or just wasn't interested. Not to mention, the stuff he's been texting me (he knows I'm the one for him, our kids would be so cute, I'm definitely his soul mate.) Red flags galore. Thanks for your advise everyone. Any ideas on what work I need to do on myself to figure out why I keep attracting and being attracted to dysfunction. I go to therapy regularly apparently it's not helping. Gotta love the future fakers. I once had one tell me he wanted to have my baby he must have forgot that I wasn't one of his young girls because I'm well over baby-making age lol
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