mother of all rows with my SO

[tatbubba]

Ok, last week I had a huge and terrible fight with my boyfriend. We have been together for 7 months and rarely fight, in fact I think it's the second disagreement we have had. Recently I have been doing a lot of stuff for him, which I don't mind at all, but Tuesday I called him about something I had been trying to sort out for him and he called me "annoying" and I completely overreacted and he didn't seem to realise I was angry which made it worse. Thing is I had already said that I felt like he never showed he cared about me and I would like it if he could try to do so a little more, so I felt underappreciated. However my reaction since then was unjustified. We fought, didn't speak for about a day then Thursday I was determined to sort it out and he said we could meet when he finished work. Then he text me and said he didn't want to meet and I called him and cried on the phone (terrible) and he said he needed some alone time and then I found out he was going to the pub and went mad and said a lot of mean things including calling him an ahole and asking him to give back the money I lent him and just get lost (or words to that effect) which was so wrong and I'm ashamed now, I know he was justified to have that alone time and I was completely wrong to throw back in his face all the nice things I do for him. After that I went out with my flatmate and had a little too much to drink and when I got home did two stupid things: called him like 20 times (he didn't respond because he was sleeping) and updated my Facebook to say we were in a relationship (like a 15 year old)

The next day (Friday) I sent a whatsapp to apologize to him and say that he was right, we both needed space and to calm down and he said we would talk when I got back as I was going away for the weekend.

Now I am unsure as to whether I should call him or wait and see if he messages me, and I'm beginning to think my over the top reaction will mean he leaves, and even if he doesn't that maybe we are just not compatible, even though I think he is an amazing person, and if we do speak I don't know what to say to him. At this point I'm actually realizing although he is not overly affectionate he is a great boyfriend.. And maybe after 7 months it's normal for us to be more settled and him not to be saying or doing sweet things for me...HELP PLEASE!

[basil67]

I think that if there's to be a recovery from this, there would need to be a discussion of "what happened and how could we manage a situation like this better next time?".

 

Some of the things to ponder in the meantime:

 

First of all, the trigger of him saying you were being annoying. It was a really harsh thing of him to say, but was there any mitigating context? Was he working really hard to meet a deadline and you'd perhaps been calling repeatedly with questions? If he was really busy, were you aware that he was busy? Had he asked for your help with this thing you were doing for him?

 

Or, was he not busy to talk and had asked your help with this thing? If it's this second scenario, then he was really out of line.

 

I hear that you felt like he wasn't showing he cared about you. And you later mention that he doesn't do things for you or say sweet things. Have you heard about the 5 languages of love? Perhaps he's showing his love and appreciation of you in ways that you weren't recognising. For example, does he make time to see you? Is he physically affectionate? If this is the case, I'd highly recommend you read up on the 5 Love Languages and get a better understanding of how you each give and receive love.

[CarrieT]

You have already apologized. The ball is in his court.

 

Wait for him to contact you.

[tatbubba]

We are meeting today. I admit to messaging him last night with a hey, how are you, maybe you still don't want to talk to me? and he responded saying we need to talk for sure, when I asked when he just said tomorrow. Now I am nervous he is going to dump me, even thinking he probably already found someone else (past hurts have made me paranoid)

 

Basil67, I did read about the 5 languages of love and now I realise I was wrong. Physically he is always affectionate with me, but I think part of it is cultural. Where I spent my teens and early twenties men are known for saying sweet nothings and romantic gestures, however, he is from a different country still, so that could be one reason why we clashed.

 

He had asked me to help him because he needed some documents from the place where I worked so he wanted me to chase them and speed on the process, and that's why I was hurt by what he said. When we fought I said I felt like he didn't appreciate me helping him and doing nice things and he said "I won't ask you to help me ever again" which made things worse for me because that wasn't where I was coming from.

 

Also, I hope I find a way to control my insecurities, paranoia and jealousy. A lot of the time I do not show these things to do him but it seems like in our argument that all came to the surface. In reality I'm terrified he is going to cheat or walk out because I've had those kind of experiences in the past. One thing is for sure, if we stay together we need to work out some kind of schedule for the time we spend together, because I've realized that neither of us spend enough time with friends. It's unhealthy and probably relates back to my jealous feelings..

 

Please, fingers crossed for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

We are meeting today. I admit to messaging him last night with a hey, how are you, maybe you still don't want to talk to me? and he responded saying we need to talk for sure, when I asked when he just said tomorrow. Now I am nervous he is going to dump me, even thinking he probably already found someone else (past hurts have made me paranoid)

 

Basil67, I did read about the 5 languages of love and now I realise I was wrong. Physically he is always affectionate with me, but I think part of it is cultural. Where I spent my teens and early twenties men are known for saying sweet nothings and romantic gestures, however, he is from a different country still, so that could be one reason why we clashed.

 

He had asked me to help him because he needed some documents from the place where I worked so he wanted me to chase them and speed on the process, and that's why I was hurt by what he said. When we fought I said I felt like he didn't appreciate me helping him and doing nice things and he said "I won't ask you to help me ever again" which made things worse for me because that wasn't where I was coming from.

 

Also, I hope I find a way to control my insecurities, paranoia and jealousy. A lot of the time I do not show these things to do him but it seems like in our argument that all came to the surface. In reality I'm terrified he is going to cheat or walk out because I've had those kind of experiences in the past. One thing is for sure, if we stay together we need to work out some kind of schedule for the time we spend together, because I've realized that neither of us spend enough time with friends. It's unhealthy and probably relates back to my jealous feelings..

 

Please, fingers crossed for me.

 

Can you elaborate a bit more on this? What was said about jealousy and insecurity? It seems there are several underlying issues between you two that are more complicated than him saying you're being annoying. You said this might be why you two don't spend much time with friends; has he given an indication he feels he needs some breathing room? I dated a man once who became incredibly insecure when I hung with friends, and it got old really fast. Is that what's been happening here? Calling him 20 times in one night is extreme, even if you had been drinking.

 

I have also been betrayed in the past - on two occasions that I know of - but I realized we cannot hold present partners hostage for past partners' mistakes. I understand that trusting again is difficult but it's also unfair to be in a relationship if we cannot let go of some of that fear. (when it's unwarranted, of course)

 

When you meet, be open and listen. Then explain your feelings. All you can do is see if he is willing to meet you halfway. Good luck and keep us updated!

[tatbubba]

Well, last night... After he had said he wanted to meet, to talk...I finished work at 16.30, he said he had somewhere to be at 18.00 but it wouldn't take long but I said I would wait for him and he said ok.

19.30 and I was still waiting... I called him and he said he was going to check out a bike as he needs a new one. I asked how long he'd be as I had already waited and he made some excuse saying he thought I had said I was going home and we were meeting tomorrow, bla bla bla.. anyway I said I was going to go to his and wait (I'm friendly with all his flatmates, especially one of the girls) THEN I decided to do some sneaky detective work and his fb location said he was in the city centre, so I messaged him and said if you are going to lie turn off your location services!

10.30 he walked into his place and his face was a picture, I guess he didn't think I would wait that long. I stayed very calm though. He said he had been to the cinema (and it was very awkward because the 3 flatmates were there and could feel the tension) and then that we needed to talk! I was like I know I've been waiting for you, and he made some half-hearted excuse again saying he thought I was going home... but looking really ashamed of himself.

 

So we talked, the first thing he said before I could speak was that he didn't want to break up for sure, but I had reacted in a bad way and made a big fight out of a small thing, and the fact he wasn't romantic wasn't going to change, (but now I know about the 5 languages of love, so ) and also that we were spending too much time together (which I agreed with) so we both apologized, agreed to handle grievances differently and if he has 2 or 3 days off a week to spend 1 together and the other one he can spend with his friends. Then he hugged me so tight he almost cracked my ribs for about 5 minutes, and we were good.

 

He never said anything about my jealousy or insecurity and never has because I never show it. I know it's unattractive. However, last night I confessed that because of his behaviour, going to the cinema etc and lying I had thought he had already found someone else and he just said that he wasn't that kind of person and if he felt something for someone else I would be the first to know about it.

 

Thanks all of you for your support :-) I posted on another forum and they were all calling me psycho and saying I needed help for my alcohol addiction...

[basil67]

So glad you came back to tell us about your reconciliation