Wish wife had more friends...

[TrustedthenBusted]

I wish my wife had more friends. I've been with her 20 years, and I'm the type of guy who likes to go out and do fun things with other people, and enjoy having large groups of friends.

 

I have a crew I ride dirtbikes with, a crew I fish with, A crew who are good for a night out on the town, a work-lunch crew etc... And there is of course a lot of crossover with many people from one crew also in the other. I get a lot of phone calls and invites to fun events, and am surrounded by good friends and lots of love.

 

My wife...not so much. She is the type to have ONE good friend at a time. Currently the one friend is our neighbor. She's a great gal, has small kids, her husband is cool ( although he is way too far on the quiet side to enjoy any of my "crews" ) and I do enjoy hanging out with them from time to time.

 

Thing is... when you only have one friend, drama is inevitable. And they get into these weird conversations where they evaluate their friendship, and it often involves wine and crying, followed by hugging and declaration of their unrelenting commitment to being BFFs for all of forever etc...

 

Seems like a lot of pressure to me. God forbid we don't invite her to EVERYTHING or vice versa. Where with my crews, there are probably things I'm not invited to for one reason or another. No biggie. I do it too. If I can fit 5 people in the boat, I just call the first 5 who come to mind. It's not like the rest ever get upset or anything. It's just not like that.

 

 

Anyway, to make a short story long, my wife has started giving me a little guff about my friends. I think she's projecting some of her stuff on me. They are too young, or too loud, or not responsible enough, or don't have kids ( which to her seems to mean their opinions on ANYTHING simply don't matter ) And she doesn't want to come join our reindeer games much anymore. This sucks, because all my friends adore her.

 

But...she's becoming that wife who never shows up for anything, and I am becoming that husband who always has an excuse for why his wife isn't there.

[Emilia]

I think some of this is the differences between male and female friendships. Male ones are often looser, this is why I prefer to have male friends. It's quite casual. Female friendships are often more intense.

 

She sounds like she is an introvert, I don't think you can fundamentally change her. It means she finds crowds exhausting.

[BettyDraper]

Your wife clearly has a different style of interacting with others than you do. She doesn't need a bunch of friends to be happy and that needs to be respected. I think some compromise is in order on both sides. Maybe your wife finds your crowd of friends to be draining, especially if she is a mother of small children and she has to use her energy for them. That said, it wouldn't kill her to show up at some events as well.

 

How do you find so much time to spend with friends when you're a father and a husband anyway? Is it possible that you may be neglecting your family to enjoy social time with your "crews"? I'm wondering if the issues your wife has with your friends are a smokescreen for resentment she feels because you're not home often enough.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Your wife clearly has a different style of interacting with others than you do. She doesn't need a bunch of friends to be happy and that needs to be respected. I think some compromise is in order on both sides. Maybe your wife finds your crowd of friends to be draining, especially if she is a mother of small children and she has to use her energy for them. That said, it wouldn't kill her to show up at some events as well.

 

How do you find so much time to spend with friends when you're a father and a husband anyway? Is it possible that you may be neglecting your family to enjoy social time with your "crews"? I'm wondering if the issues your wife has with your friends are a smokescreen for resentment she feels because you're not home often enough.

 

I think it's interesting how you framed it. She "doesn't need a bunch of friends to be happy." You're right, she doesn't. BUT...she DOES need a lot of attention and praise, and I have seen it time and time and time again that one person, ( not me, not anyone ) is ever able to live up to the level of attention and praise my wife needs. Honestly, I feel she would do better with a large number of friends who can each give her a little, rather than depending on one bestie to supply it all.

 

 

As for how much time I spend with my crews....my kids are getting older and are off with their own friends more and more these days, so I've got more time. Also, I am a very involved dad, and really try to limit my activities to those times where I can go do my thing, and be home while the family is still in their pajamas. Lots of 5AM departures, which is ideal for fishing, surfing and trail riding anyway. And my kids come with me much of the time. Especially the dirtbiking.

 

 

She and I have discussed this in the past, but never really get anywhere. The reasons always change, but the result is I'm made to feel as though I should be more like her, not part of any big social groups, and only socializing with people my age who have kids, and really enjoy television shows. ( TV completely annoys me )

 

She tells me I have FOMO. Which is I guess the new buzzword used by people who don't ever go do anything to demonize those who do. Makes me crazy. Some day we will both be 90 years and looking back. I don't think too many 90 years olds look back and say " Gee, I'm sure glad I didn't have more friends and do more fun stuff!"

[Emilia]

She and I have discussed this in the past, but never really get anywhere. The reasons always change, but the result is I'm made to feel as though I should be more like her, not part of any big social groups, and only socializing with people my age who have kids, and really enjoy television shows. ( TV completely annoys me )

 

She tells me I have FOMO. Which is I guess the new buzzword used by people who don't ever go do anything to demonize those who do. Makes me crazy. Some day we will both be 90 years and looking back. I don't think too many 90 years olds look back and say " Gee, I'm sure glad I didn't have more friends and do more fun stuff!"

Yeah my mother is like this. She split up with her partner last year after 10 years because she just wanted to get old and not do much while he was still full of life.

 

But on the other hand, it's not your call to decide how many friends she has. You may think she is too needy for one person but it's her life. I know it's hard when you have been with one person for so long but you need to remember each other's boundaries. you are both adults, you have the right to have the sort of friendship you want, another person can't really interfere in that.

[GunslingerRoland]

There is a lot going on here, that has much more going on than the amount of friends your wife has. It seems like you guys have two totally different lifestyles. She is more of a homebody, and you are extremely active both socially and activity wise. Neither is right or wrong, but you guys seem to be on two different ends of the spectrum and drifting further in separate directions.

 

 

I think it is one of those things where you'll have to meet in the middle if you both want to be happy.

[GunslingerRoland]

Also I just wanted to add that kids getting older is hard on a lot of people especially moms. Even people who are very active in life before kids end up dedicating so much of their time and energy during those young child years to their kids, they can forget how to live their own life.

 

 

It sounds like your wife is going through a bit of that, where she hasn't let go of the fact that she doesn't need to be at home all of the time watching the kids, as the kids aren't home anyway.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Also I just wanted to add that kids getting older is hard on a lot of people especially moms. Even people who are very active in life before kids end up dedicating so much of their time and energy during those young child years to their kids, they can forget how to live their own life.

 

 

It sounds like your wife is going through a bit of that, where she hasn't let go of the fact that she doesn't need to be at home all of the time watching the kids, as the kids aren't home anyway.

 

THis makes a lot of sense, but just for the sake of clarity, my wife is not a stay-home mom. She is very much a career woman, and quite busy. I do nearly all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid hauling, and entertaining as my job is actually much more flexible than hers.

 

The boys come to me for EVERYTHING, and even the things kids usually run to their mother's for. ( like when they get hurt, they scream Dad, not Mom, even though she is much much better at handling them when they are hurt.)

 

When they are hungry it's "Dad!" When they are thirsty it's "Dad!" When they are scared it's "Dad!" When they are proud it's "Dad come look at this!"

 

I'm not saying I'm a better parent. Not saying that at all. I'm just saying that there are Momma's Boys out there, and apparently there are Daddy's boys out there...and mine are most certainly Daddy's boys....if that's really a thing.

 

So while they are maturing and venturing out on their own, it may be having some affect on her. Just not the one you are describing. She has a lifelong history of expecting a LOT from a single person, whether that person is a friend, a spouse, or a family member.

 

Sounds like I'm being harsh on her maybe, but I'm not. I actually feel bad for her much of the time, because it's clearly not working for her very well. And I do tent to run out of patience for things when I see what I consider to be a simple solution that isn't being applied.

[BettyDraper]

I think it's interesting how you framed it. She "doesn't need a bunch of friends to be happy." You're right, she doesn't. BUT...she DOES need a lot of attention and praise, and I have seen it time and time and time again that one person, ( not me, not anyone ) is ever able to live up to the level of attention and praise my wife needs. Honestly, I feel she would do better with a large number of friends who can each give her a little, rather than depending on one bestie to supply it all.

 

 

As for how much time I spend with my crews....my kids are getting older and are off with their own friends more and more these days, so I've got more time. Also, I am a very involved dad, and really try to limit my activities to those times where I can go do my thing, and be home while the family is still in their pajamas. Lots of 5AM departures, which is ideal for fishing, surfing and trail riding anyway. And my kids come with me much of the time. Especially the dirtbiking.

 

 

She and I have discussed this in the past, but never really get anywhere. The reasons always change, but the result is I'm made to feel as though I should be more like her, not part of any big social groups, and only socializing with people my age who have kids, and really enjoy television shows. ( TV completely annoys me )

 

She tells me I have FOMO. Which is I guess the new buzzword used by people who don't ever go do anything to demonize those who do. Makes me crazy. Some day we will both be 90 years and looking back. I don't think too many 90 years olds look back and say " Gee, I'm sure glad I didn't have more friends and do more fun stuff!"

 

It is not your decision how many friends your wife needs just as it isn't her choice how many friends you have. Neither of you are children.

 

I'm glad that you're an involved dad and you take your children on outings with you. I just wanted to explore where your wife's reaction might be coming from.

 

FOMO is "Fear Of Missing Out" which is what happens when people see others doing certain things and believe that they need to follow suit to be happy. Your wife is not demonizing you when she uses this term at all. Is there anything else she says that leads to you feeling attacked?

 

I'm detecting a sense of superiority over your wife because she doesn't need the same amount of activity outside the home that you do and she doesn't need "crews." On the other hand, I am seeing the same tendency from your wife in the comments she makes about your friends. One style of living life is no better than the other. Both of you need to remember that.

 

I keep my circle very small because I would rather have a few close friends than a huge amount of superficial friendships. I know many people but I can count my friends on one hand. My husband is pretty much a hermit and this suits him just fine. He's very introverted and I am an extrovert.

[Emilia]

This seems to be quite complicated. I think you are losing respect for your wife, OP.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It is not your decision how many friends your wife needs just as it isn't her choice how many friends you have. Neither of you are children.

 

I'm glad that you're an involved dad and you take your children on outings with you. I just wanted to explore where your wife's reaction might be coming from.

 

THank you. I completely value the input.

 

 

FOMO is "Fear Of Missing Out" which is what happens when people see others doing certain things and believe that they need to follow suit to be happy. Your wife is not demonizing you when she uses this term at all. Is there anything else she says that leads to you feeling attacked?

 

Yeah... I still don't like the term one bit. I think it's weak to suggest that enjoying life's many exciting experiences is somehow tied to fear of any kind. I don't have a fear of missing out. Sure, I have a dislike for missing out, but I mean...what's the alternative? Do have an affinity for missing out on everything? I just don't get it.

 

 

I'm detecting a sense of superiority over your wife because she doesn't need the same amount of activity outside the home that you do and she doesn't need "crews." On the other hand, I am seeing the same tendency from your wife in the comments she makes about your friends. One style of living life is no better than the other. Both of you need to remember that.

 

I would agree with this, if my wife wasn't so consistently upset with her best friend du jour for one reason or another. I don't think MY lifestyle is any better than hers.... I just think hers isn't working for her very well.

 

 

I keep my circle very small because I would rather have a few close friends than a huge amount of superficial friendships.

 

 

This is another one that bugs me. I often hear this and never understand it. I don't feel like I have a huge amount of superficial friendships at all. I feel like I have a LOT of really great, close, active, awesome friends. And very lucky to have them.

[TrustedthenBusted]

This seems to be quite complicated. I think you are losing respect for your wife, OP.

 

I'm definitely growing weary....

 

of course there is always more to the story. But you gotta take this place in bite sized chunks. This particular chunk is about how I think things would be improved for everyone involved, and especially her, if she'd open up her social circle a bit.

[Emilia]

I'm definitely growing weary....

 

of course there is always more to the story. But you gotta take this place in bite sized chunks. This particular chunk is about how I think things would be improved for everyone involved, and especially her, if she'd open up her social circle a bit.

It wouldn't change her personality or level of competence. She wouldn't become more intelligent or less needy. If she doesn't want her life to be different then it won't be.

 

Are/were your in-laws quite controlling people? Did they treat her like a kid as an adult?

[dichotomy]

My own personal view is their is a difference between a friend and an acquaintance.

 

I have alot of male acquaintances- guys I work with - or work out with - or do service work in my community - hanging at events, grab a beer or talk about events. They no my kids and general stuff going on in my life. But they are not what I would consider friends. Not ones that i would call at 1am in a time of need, or bare my soul to.

[elaine567]

Is it really about her having no friends or is it more about this?

 

But...she's becoming that wife who never shows up for anything, and I am becoming that husband who always has an excuse for why his wife isn't there.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Another thing I tried to add, but was too late to edit. The way my wife works, and what I have witnessed time and time again with her and her BFF of the moment.

 

When my wife is getting a lot of attention, things are good. But the minute the BFF of the moment starts to assert herself, take my wife down from the pedestal, or come to expect the same level of praise and attention from my wife in return, my wife will drop them like a hot rock, and find another one.

 

So when I see these relationships start to go south, I ( perhaps selfishly ) gear up for another round of stress, and long talks and depression. This time scares me more than most because the gal lives next door, and we literally have to walk by them everyday. I'm afraid it will go south like it always seems to eventually, and I'll want to just sell the friggen house. ugh...

 

And yes, this need for attention has lead to an affair in the past. Some folks reading this already know that. Not saying it's related here...but it's a real thing.

[Emilia]

I honestly don't understand why you think she would change. She obviously needs a lot of adoration, maybe she is a narcissist, who knows.

 

Do you think it's good for your children to grow up in this environment?

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

Are/were your in-laws quite controlling people? Did they treat her like a kid as an adult?

 

Yes. Although I wouldn't say controlling in a Mommie Dearest kind of way. But definitely more like a child than an adult. I mean we're in our mid 40's and she and her mom still put on matching pajamas and cuddle on the sofa to watch TV.

 

Oddly, her mother has only now started taking an active interest in our children. For years, my MIL would come to visit her daughter, and not really me or the kids.

 

My MIL also NEVER calls my wife out on her mistakes. My wife calls it unconditional love. I call it bad parenting.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Do you think it's good for your children to grow up in this environment?

 

I don't understand the question. It's their environment. We're their parents. We love them, shower them with hugs and attention, and they seem like good, happy, well adjusted kids who are smart and popular.

 

I mean... I think it's a pretty good environment for them. Who knows.

[GunslingerRoland]

I guess what I'm not getting is what has changed. The type of lifestyle difference between your wife and you is something that can often come up in the first few weeks of dating. You and your wife have been together for many years by the sounds of it. Did her lifestyle change? Or yours? Or both?

 

 

Or did you just not care until now? And if so what has changed for you, to make it an issue when you married her in the same situation.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I guess what I'm not getting is what has changed. The type of lifestyle difference between your wife and you is something that can often come up in the first few weeks of dating. You and your wife have been together for many years by the sounds of it. Did her lifestyle change? Or yours? Or both?

 

 

Or did you just not care until now? And if so what has changed for you, to make it an issue when you married her in the same situation.

 

It wasn't an issue before. She used to be my number 1 activity partner. It's actually a big part of how/why I fell for her. She is an amazing athlete in her own right, and we have stacks of photo albums of the two of us doing everything from hang gliding, to scuba, to travelling, to throwing huge parties to you name it!

 

It did slow down when we had kids, naturally, but for her it kept slowing down, eventually stopping, where for me, it ramped back up to what has always been normal.

 

She did at one time admit that she wasn't as into all the activities as she let on, and was doing it to keep my interest. ( had me fooled )

 

I think a lot of it boils down to a saying I've heard a few times.

 

Men marry women expecting the women not to change...and they do.

Women marry men expecting the men to change...and they don't.

[Emilia]

Yes. Although I wouldn't say controlling in a Mommie Dearest kind of way. But definitely more like a child than an adult. I mean we're in our mid 40's and she and her mom still put on matching pajamas and cuddle on the sofa to watch TV.

 

Oddly, her mother has only now started taking an active interest in our children. For years, my MIL would come to visit her daughter, and not really me or the kids.

 

My MIL also NEVER calls my wife out on her mistakes. My wife calls it unconditional love. I call it bad parenting.

 

I don't understand the question. It's their environment. We're their parents. We love them, shower them with hugs and attention, and they seem like good, happy, well adjusted kids who are smart and popular.

 

I mean... I think it's a pretty good environment for them. Who knows.

I'm finding it hard to match your first post to the second here.

 

You have a needy wife who coldly drops a friend once that friend places emotional demands on her. She is infantilised and had an affair.

 

Then you are telling me that she is a well-adjusted and loving mother? How can a person who is incapable of maintaining intimate interpersonal relationships be a good mother?

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm finding it hard to match your first post to the second here.

 

You have a needy wife who coldly drops a friend once that friend places emotional demands on her. She is infantilised and had an affair.

 

Then you are telling me that she is a well-adjusted and loving mother? How can a person who is incapable of maintaining intimate interpersonal relationships be a good mother?

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I think the relationship between my wife and HER mother is a bit of a weird one, as you picked up on earlier.

 

I think maybe this has had SOME impact on my kids as they have clearly chosen me as the go-to parent in the household. Who knows why kids act the way they do.

 

But I don't think that my wife's difficulties maintaining long term friendships ( without hassles ) necessarily creates a bad environment for my kids. They have it pretty good, and seem to appreciate it. They asked her once about why she doesn't have as many friends as I do, and she gave them the same line about how she has a few really good ones, and not a bunch of superficial ones.

[Mr. Lucky]

She and I have discussed this in the past, but never really get anywhere. The reasons always change, but the result is I'm made to feel as though I should be more like her, not part of any big social groups, and only socializing with people my age who have kids, and really enjoy television shows. ( TV completely annoys me )

 

She tells me I have FOMO. Which is I guess the new buzzword used by people who don't ever go do anything to demonize those who do. Makes me crazy. Some day we will both be 90 years and looking back. I don't think too many 90 years olds look back and say " Gee, I'm sure glad I didn't have more friends and do more fun stuff!"

 

My wife and I are like this - minus the resentment.

 

As our children got older and our lives started to move down the scale from 100% kid-focused to a more balanced mix, it became even more readily apparent we enjoyed different couple and individual activities. Like you, I'm not a TV/indoor guy and enjoy sports, outdoors, travel, etc. My wife likes to cocoon and focus on house, hearth, home, reality shows and social media. Similarly, she doesn't have many IRL friends, I have many from both work and play. Different strokes for different folks.

 

We've somehow naturally gravitated to a compromise. She's attending my team's end-of-season party for clinching our tennis league and I'm going to a "couples" birthday party for a 1-year old (WTF!?!). She's a good sport about traveling with me a couple weeks a year, I attend craft fairs and farmer's markets ($7 cantaloupes?).

 

Your post doesn't indicate how much effort you've made to find a similar common ground...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Raena]

You and your wife are fundamentally different when it comes to friendships. Neither one of you is better than the other in the way you handle it. Your idea that she would be happier if she had more friends is YOUR idea... not hers. Not everyone is happy having tons of friends. It's always difficult when one person is an introvert and the other isn't.

 

I went through the same issue when I was married. He had tons of friends and was always off doing one thing or another without me. Sure he'd invite me, but most of the time, he was off doing other things without me. I didn't have a lot of friends then and I still don't. I am just really picky about who I want to spend time with. I'd rather get to know a few people really well than a lot of people superficially. It's exhausting to spend time around a crowd of people when you aren't a crowd kind of person. He spent so much time off doing other stuff that he forgot to pay attention to me. Are you doing that to your wife? It seems to me that you are pretty annoyed with who she is overall because you don't have many good things to say about her.