Everything Going Amazingly...all of sudden done

June 25, 2016

You are a rebound...you are her emotional stepping stone. It will be a matter of time when she discovers other guys that like her and then *poof* she's gone.

I know that's a possibility. Thought about that straight from the start. But I don't think that's the case here. But we will see.

June 25, 2016

Nah, I see what you mean. People who don't believe power dynamics in relationships are real/important...I'm not sure what to say about that. You've given away some of your power and she didn't reciprocate so it feels weird. It's a risk you take. Just remember, there is no tangible description of this energy, it only exists when you two interact.

You can only be secure moving forward. That means not just waiting for her to initiate, that isn't power - that's just another manifestation of insecurity, you're literally counting interactions.

Just try to be the person you would like to be. Stop counting and let some time pass. When you relax, you'll have your power back (imo).

I agree. Thanks. I have relaxed more and stopped thinking as much and things seem to be slowly going back to normal. I know she feels very strongly about me. She seemed obsessed. If I was on social media and she saw shed text me and say "why aren't you texting me if you're on social media" face timing me every night. Calling once or twice a day. I'm sure she feels the same way about me as I do to her or even stronger but she may not feel comfortable yet telling me the same I told her since she wants to not rush things.

Idk we'll see. I just have to relax, let her come to me, and be aware things might not work out. But I think things will. Never had the type of connection and have never felt like someone else was such a good fit for me

June 25, 2016

Healthy relationships are based on equality, not on somebody having the 'upper hand.'

June 25, 2016

This is a relationship, NOT a hierarchy, where YOU get to be in control all the time, calling all the shots, dictating the pace etc..

In a healthy relationship, the power dynamic shifts back and forth .... sometimes she will have it and sometimes you.

Right now she has it, and you don't like it. Don't mean to be harsh but boo hoo, tough tomatoes. Deal with it. In time, it will shift back to you again.

It is called bring vulnerable, and if you are unable to deal with that emotion, you have no business being in a relationship in the first place.

.

June 25, 2016

At just two months in, you already have: a girl with a child, a 'slow down' talk, a power struggle, all wrapped up in what is probably a rebound situation for her.

The forecast for longevity here isn't good, regardless of the balance of power.

June 25, 2016

At just two months in, you already have: a girl with a child, a 'slow down' talk, a power struggle, all wrapped up in what is probably a rebound situation for her.

The forecast for longevity here isn't good, regardless of the balance of power.

I agree. But you never know. Every situation is a bit different. We'll see how things play out. Kinda in a way glad we had that "let's not rush things talk" cause at the pace we were going and how we were talking to each other and everything we were headed for a relationship real soon. And those hardly ever last. It'll be better to get to know each other much more first. We've only hung out 3 times since she's been busy with her kid, then I went on vacation for a week, then I got back and she went away for a week.

Just not getting my hopes up and taking it one day at a time. But she initiated texting today and we've been going back and forth talking like we alwyas do so that's a good

June 25, 2016

So any tips on regaining the upperhand?? So far I've been doing good at just not initiating anything like always but I there needs to be something else I can do. I'm not one for playing games and j hate it but maybe that's what it'll take to regain it???

If you need the 'upper hand' then you aren't in a relationship I'm sorry to say. You are in an ego-game, in which case I think she is wise to cool off. If she's been engaged, has a kid, I'm pretty sure being in an ego-game masquerading as a relationship isn't what she wants.

Hopefully time and maturity will teach you that relationships are not power games.

June 25, 2016

Now she still has texted me every single day since, has always initiated, always snapchats me first. So I'm just sitting back and letting her do all the initiating

Seems that she is putting a lot of work into this relationship and you are sitting back and letting her.

She is going to get bored with that pretty soon.

She may not want to go fast, but you have to start doing something.

It is OK saying that you care, but you have to start showing it too.

Relationships are two way streets.

At the moment she is desperate for a relationship any relationship, she was dumped, cheated on and hurt and needs a relationship to feel good about herself, but once she starts thinking and she is already showing signs of that, she will realise that all the effort is coming from her and she will start to resent you. She will pull back, go silent and then dump you. YOU will be blindsided and wish you had treated her better and not played any silly games...

START INITIATING and treating her like an equal human being.

June 25, 2016

I'm confused, maybe it's a different interpretation of the phrase "upper hand" but the fact she's initiating everything seems like the kind of thing that happens when you have the upper hand. Now, I get she said you guys need to slow down, but I tend to think she now feels bad and feels she has to do the effort to keep the relationship. Which is a good thing. If she had that conversation, and then drifted off, prompting you to maintain contact is when she would have the upper hand.

June 25, 2016

I just read your original post again, and dude if expressing your feelings to a woman causes you to feel like you have lost the *upper hand* then sorry you've got issues.

And have no business pursuing a relationship with anyone..

I mean she is still doing all the initiating, essentially chasing you, but apparently you are still uncomfortable because you don't have the *upper hand*?

What the hell do you want?

If you don't get your act together, you are gonna lose this chick.

June 25, 2016

I'm confused, maybe it's a different interpretation of the phrase "upper hand" but the fact she's initiating everything seems like the kind of thing that happens when you have the upper hand. Now, I get she said you guys need to slow down, but I tend to think she now feels bad and feels she has to do the effort to keep the relationship. Which is a good thing. If she had that conversation, and then drifted off, prompting you to maintain contact is when she would have the upper hand.

You're confused because you have the mindset of a 20 something guy, who typically feels that relationships are all about him calling the shots just so he can feel secure in it. Sooner or later though you have to realise that when you interact with people on that level you kill intimacy. What you end up with are situations where partners get fed up and dump you because they are looking for intimacy, not interaction with an insecure boy who needs the 'upper hand' in order to feed his ego.

How long that takes is up to the individual. There are certainly men who never get it, they end up alone.

June 25, 2016

You're confused because you have the mindset of a 20 something guy, who typically feels that relationships are all about him calling the shots just so he can feel secure in it. Sooner or later though you have to realise that when you interact with people on that level you kill intimacy. What you end up with are situations where partners get fed up and dump you because they are looking for intimacy, not interaction with an insecure boy who needs the 'upper hand' in order to feed his ego.

How long that takes is up to the individual. There are certainly men who never get it, they end up alone.

You didn't understand my meaning, you are responding in a way that has nothing to do with my meaning.

I never said anything about how having the upper hand is "good", all I said is I have no idea why he thinks he lost "it" since nothing he said is actually an indication of that.

June 25, 2016

Sounds to me like you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and that is a very uncomfortable position for you. Letting her always initiate allowed you to not be vulnerable. But her talk of cooling off got you motivated and you let yourself express your feelings. Nothing wrong with that.

If you really want to be involved with someone, vulnerability is crucial. It is what binds people together. Vulnerability is also attractive to many women, so you may be shooting yourself in the foot by trying to avoid it.

June 25, 2016

I just read your original post again, and dude if expressing your feelings to a woman causes you to feel like you have lost the *upper hand* then sorry you've got issues.

And have no business pursuing a relationship with anyone..

I mean she is still doing all the initiating, essentially chasing you, but apparently you are still uncomfortable because you don't have the *upper hand*?

What the hell do you want?

If you don't get your act together, you are gonna lose this chick.

Yes. This. If the OPs response to suddenly having his feelings towards a woman he likes and receives reciprocation from, exposed is to behave like a little kid and retaliate by with-holding affection from her, she will walk away. It's that simple.

No-one has time for this kind of immaturity. He's not even vulnerable, he's throwing a tantrum because the relationship is not progressing on his schedule and according to his whims.

I had interest in a guy like this recently. He came across interested just once and when I reciprocated decided he needed the upper hand and started playing the 'I'm too cool for you' game. I walked away. It's a waste of my time, I can find someone who is a grown up and able to handle reciprocation. There is no reason to stick around that for. When he saw me last I didn't even make eye contact and he followed me around like a lost puppy because he realised exactly where his manipulation had got him. Nowhere.

June 25, 2016

You didn't understand my meaning, you are responding in a way that has nothing to do with my meaning.

I never said anything about how having the upper hand is "good", all I said is I have no idea why he thinks he lost "it" since nothing he said is actually an indication of that.

Zen, imo he feels he has lost upper hand due to his discomfort with his own vulnerability.

For some reason, he thinks because he told her how he feels, she is now *one up* on him.

And he doesn't like it!

So he asks for ways to *take it back* so to speak.

To keep her on edge and insecure....HE feels more in control that way. Less vulnerable.

Which is effed up... and no way to have a relationship.

Edited June 25, 2016 by katiegrl

June 25, 2016

Zen, imo he feels he has lost upper hand due to his discomfort with his own vulnerability.

Somehow he thinks by telling her how he feels, she is now *one up* on him.

And he doesn't like it!

So he asks for ways to *take it back* so to speak.

To keep her on edge and insecure....HE feels more in control that way. Less vulnerable.

Which is effed up... and no way to have a relationship.

Ah yes, not liking that "tingly" feeling you have when you open up. Nervousness can lead to dangerous thoughts and interpretations of things that simply aren't there.

He wouldn't be the first person that's insecure in a relationship, this is why you have to take moments to properly think things through and not knee jerk your way to a failed relationship.

June 25, 2016

Ah yes, not liking that "tingly" feeling you have when you open up. Nervousness can lead to dangerous thoughts and interpretations of things that simply aren't there.

He wouldn't be the first person that's insecure in a relationship, this is why you have to take moments to properly think things through and not knee jerk your way to a failed relationship.

Yeah he doesn't like feeling insecure, so looks for ways to flip it and behave in ways that cause HER to feel on edge, off balance and insecure!

To alleviate HIS discomfort..and feel more in control. Have the *upper hand*.

That is what he asking for here, why he started this thread....

Unfortunately yes there are many men like this. And I guess women too.

I hope you agree that is effed up though..and completely dysfunctional.

June 26, 2016

So any tips on regaining the upperhand??

You are worried about 'the upperhand', because you know that she has it. You have accepted her backburnering you and keeping you around as an orbiter.

Don't play her silly game. Get other options, and start moving on.

Edited June 26, 2016 by Jabron1

June 26, 2016

I hope you like being a daddy! Not to her kid, but to your own. Once you make sense of that...

She sounds like a fking disaster. Are you SURE this is what you want for your life? There's no "do overs" on this, you know?

June 26, 2016

If you relationship is primarily a power struggle and you talk about it in terms of regaining the upper hand, that's a sure sign it's going nowhere fast. That's the literal meaning of game playing.

Relationships shouldn't be like this. If they are, you all usually aren't on the same page (which is clear here) and it's a waste of time to try to manipulate things or force someone to be on your page. Just date someone who's already on your page and where you MUTUALLY are interested in a common goal or direction and not where you are plotting the upper hand in order to twist the arm of a disinterested party.

June 26, 2016

You're confused because you have the mindset of a 20 something guy, who typically feels that relationships are all about him calling the shots just so he can feel secure in it. Sooner or later though you have to realise that when you interact with people on that level you kill intimacy. What you end up with are situations where partners get fed up and dump you because they are looking for intimacy, not interaction with an insecure boy who needs the 'upper hand' in order to feed his ego.

How long that takes is up to the individual. There are certainly men who never get it, they end up alone.

Wish I could like this a million times

June 26, 2016

You are worried about 'the upperhand', because you know that she has it. You have accepted her backburnering you and keeping you around as an orbiter.

Don't play her silly game. Get other options, and start moving on.

I hope you like being a daddy! Not to her kid, but to your own. Once you make sense of that...

She sounds like a fking disaster. Are you SURE this is what you want for your life? There's no "do overs" on this, you know?

Yes, use upper hand mentality game playing and lining up options to balance out honest vulnerable disclosure of feelings. Should work beautifully! Gawd I love witnessing natural selection at work.

June 26, 2016

Yes, use upper hand mentality game playing and lining up options to balance out honest vulnerable disclosure of feelings. Should work beautifully! Gawd I love witnessing natural selection at work.

What you call "honest, vulnerable, disclosure of feelings", I call the desperate act of a man getting backburnered.

I'm not sure you recognize what you're witnessing tbh.

Everyone is playing the game. And those that say they aren't are often some of the worst.

It sounds like this woman is trying to keep him in a holding pattern for the time being. I'm telling him not to accept that.

June 27, 2016

Seems that she is putting a lot of work into this relationship and you are sitting back and letting her.
She is going to get bored with that pretty soon.
She may not want to go fast, but you have to start doing something.
It is OK saying that you care, but you have to start showing it too.

Relationships are two way streets.
At the moment she is desperate for a relationship any relationship, she was dumped, cheated on and hurt and needs a relationship to feel good about herself, but once she starts thinking and she is already showing signs of that, she will realise that all the effort is coming from her and she will start to resent you. She will pull back, go silent and then dump you. YOU will be blindsided and wish you had treated her better and not played any silly games...

START INITIATING and treating her like an equal human being.

I don't think she's in any rush to get into a relationship if she said she doesn't want to rush anything. And i actually completely believe her when she said that and that she's scared to get into another relationship too soon since her last relationship ended just in mid-late March or maybe even April, not sure, where she was engaged, had a kid, and the cheated on twice. I know it's not a sudden list of interest or anything. It could be a rebound situation, I'm completely aware that. When she was drunk she admitted to always thinking about me and being obsessed, she'd text me good morning, text me all day, if I didn't text her for a few hours shed text me asking why in not talking to her, she'd get really pisssd if I liked other girls pics on social media, we agreed to no longer see other people, she'd text me way late at night telling me to wake up cause she wants to talk, she'd face time me and call me everyday and we'd talk on the phone for 1-3 hours before bed, always calling me babe and baby, everything felt like a relationship.

But the reason I'm not initiating is cause she's the one that said she wanted to slow things down a bit. So I'm backing off, and letting her go at a pace that she's comfortable with, that means communication as well. I kinda feel like if I were to text her first she may think I'm not getting the idea of slowing things down and giving each other more space. BUT, when things were going great between us before we had that talk she did say how she's always the one initiating everything, which she really was, but she didn't seem to mind it.

I just feel like I'm in a pretty vulnerable and weak position right now with her being the one to slow things down and me telling her that she's everything I could ask for in a girl, that she really motivates me and makes me a better person, and that I'd be willing do whatever it takes to make a relationship work with her and if being a part of her life means being a father to her son then I'm okay with that.

I know it's usually not a good idea to tell a girl how you feel about her, but in our situation where she felt very strongly about me as well, and I never told her how I felt before I thought it might be okay. she's also really affectionate and always gave me crap for never calling her babe or baby and never saying anything sweet so that's another reason I thought finally Somethjng sweet or telling her how I felt would be okay. But after saying it I just feel very weak and pathetic

Edited June 27, 2016 by Reitteg813

June 27, 2016

What you call "honest, vulnerable, disclosure of feelings", I call the desperate act of a man getting backburnered.

I'm not sure you recognize what you're witnessing tbh.

Everyone is playing the game. And those that say they aren't are often some of the worst.

It sounds like this woman is trying to keep him in a holding pattern for the time being. I'm telling him not to accept that.

I was referring to his honest feelings (when he said he told her how he felt). Not everyone plays games. Some people are real, all the time. Maybe it is an age thing.

What of her behaviors indicate she has "back burnered" him? They are having sex and seeing each other pretty regularly. What should she be doing to advance the relationship? It is still a new one... They are still discovering who each other is as a person and sorting mentally if they are a good fit. She is a mom so her vetting process SHOULD be slow and cautious. I see absolutely nothing wrong here as long as OP can get control, not of her (no upper hand bull - we no longer live in caves people) but of his insecurities. He is just feeling vulnerable which sucks whether you are a man or a women but his feeling this way is a sign he really likes her and his heart is opening up to the possibilities of them... Its how the good stuff starts. No risk, no gain.

Edited June 27, 2016 by tinkerbell16

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