Apparently I’ve turned into the OLD site surrogate chat dude…

[Larryville]

While this particular issue is not new for me, it is seemingly increasing.

Often there are thread starts where someone asks about “best OLD sites” or a particular issue with a particular OLD site.

 

Over all I have never had any issues or general lack of success meeting people via OLD. However for about the last year or so many of the women I meet are seemingly reluctant to actually meet, but are content to carrying on with sometimes inane, empty conversations.

Some are a little more conversational expressing details about their day or some current issue in their life.

 

I’m a karma dude whether that is in real life of even online and I try not to be rude or dismissive of anybody. What generally happens is I may contact someone I am interested in and if I get a reply many comment positively on my profile, some contact me first and I respond if their pic and profile are generally cool.

 

My profile is very descriptive, in depth on who and what I am looking for but in many ways bluntly honest, but if nothing else anyone reading it would make them think and I’m clear that I am not at all interested in any casual stuff.

However what happens is the woman (after getting to the point of exchanging numbers) want to constantly talk and the conversations get progressively “deep” for lack of a better term. Yes, I do get to the point of asking if they want to meet, and some I do meet and while their might not be “great attraction” (but meet and greet goes well) conversations continue, even these constant check in texts “how are you doing?” “How was your weekend?” “How was your day” stuff. Remember I’m not all that interested in them and some of them convey to me that I may not be what they are looking for but many still want to talk, about whatever.

 

I today decided to take a break and deleted profiles on a couple of sites, those who had my number sent texts asking how my weekend was and what happened to my profile.

 

Any guys experiencing this? Ladies can you help explain this behavior? These people are being nice and are seemingly genuine. Now my age range is generally early 40’s to upper 50’s if they look nice career oriented and are active.

Don’t know if this is an age range thing or not. All of the women are empty nesters, career women, active women, educated, successful.

 

I get that many are simply not interested in exploring anything of significance, but why continue contact with a dude you are seemingly not interested in? Unlike ghosting, more like a recently discovered term “benching” you can Google.

 

Oh Last thing, if it is clear that they are not someone I would pursue for anything more significant I'm not contacting them, text or call. I generally reply in a timely manner... except for the messages I received this weekend. One who semi-flaked on an invite to an event I mentioned. Can you be too nice? Why I'm simply going to take a extended break for now.

[Gaeta]

I am in that age range and I can tell you that women doing this usually have something to hide.

 

* They are married or in relationships

 

* They are not like their pictures

 

* They are hoping to make an emotional connection first so when you meet them you'll over look the part they've been hiding.

 

* Usually when you finally meet these women they are not like their profile

 

Don't waste your time on them. When reaching 50 you're suppose to know what you want and you're suppose to take actions to get it. When I was online I presented myself as I was and I was quick to meet.

[Gaeta]

Don’t know if this is an age range thing or not. All of the women are empty nesters, career women, active women, educated, successful.

 

I get that many are simply not interested in exploring anything of significance, but why continue contact with a dude you are seemingly not interested in? .

 

They're lonely.

[fitnessfan365]

A few guidelines I always kept for myself with OLD :

 

1) If a woman responds to my email w/o viewing my profile, I delete the email.

2) If a woman doesn't ask me a single question about myself within three emails, I stop talking to her.

3) If a woman doesn't agree to concrete plans within a handful of emails, I don't waste my time.

 

These three usually served me pretty well in weeding out the "chatters", self involved, and flakes. Hope your luck changes man.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I am in that age range and I can tell you that women doing this usually have something to hide.

 

* They are married or in relationships

 

* They are not like their pictures

 

* They are hoping to make an emotional connection first so when you meet them you'll over look the part they've been hiding.

 

* Usually when you finally meet these women they are not like their profile

 

Don't waste your time on them. When reaching 50 you're suppose to know what you want and you're suppose to take actions to get it. When I was online I presented myself as I was and I was quick to meet.

 

Unfortunately, this is happening with pretty much all ages. Even the 50s are still included in this wheelhouse.

 

They do the catfish thing, want a pen-pal and nothing more. I really blame the boom in Internet tech that's influencing this, though humans have what we call "self-control" some refuse to adhere to it.

 

Thusly the perpetual online pen-pal correspondence.

 

What's sad is, these people are really shooting themselves in the foot as I see them on the sites, locally...women I've already contacted yet ignored me or did the catfish/pen-pal thing with me...still on the site as permanent fixtures of spinsterhood.

 

I recall taking a year long break from a dating site, knowing that you can still perform a search when not even a member, I still saw a good percentage of women I had already contacted, some on more than one occasion, STILL on the site.

[BikerAccnt]

A few guidelines I always kept for myself with OLD :

 

1) If a woman responds to my email w/o viewing my profile, I delete the email.

 

 

 

You can't always do this though, they may have viewed you but you just don't know it. Many sites, even POF, offer a paid version that allows you to view a person's profile and them not know it. I've had a number of women who the site says haven't viewed my profile, but have comments on something buried in it. So...#1 may not always be a good guideline to live by.

 

I also browse anonymously most of the time, and have written to women I know can't tell I've viewed their profile.

[BikerAccnt]

Larry,

 

No, this hasn't happened to me. For me, after the initial meetup, if it's clear neither of us have an intention of seeing each other again, all communication has stopped. I don't know that I'd be really interested in continuing the communication personally. Not that I'm against gaining new friends, but that's not why I am dating sites

[salparadise]

They are hoping to make an emotional connection first so when you meet them you'll over look the part they've been hiding.

 

^ This.

 

Even if they're not blatantly hiding something, there are a lot of women on the sites, and a good number on LS as well, who seem to think it's in their best interest to get a guy invested to some degree before meeting. They say things like, "I want him to prove high interest first," or "I want to get to know him first." Both rationales are fantasy indulgences. I've come to see it as kooky, amateur behavior.

 

I reached a point where I refused to continue. Most of those conversations ended with a women sending a message to which I never got around to responding, or I sent a short answer rather than expounding on whatever.

 

With my current girlfriend, she liked my profile and I asked her out in the very first message, which was pretty short. She agree in her response to me. We were on the same page with that... and a lot of stuff as it turned out.

[LookAtThisPOst]

^ This.

 

Even if they're not blatantly hiding something, there are a lot of women on the sites, and a good number on LS as well, who seem to think it's in their best interest to get a guy invested to some degree before meeting. They say things like, "I want him to prove high interest first," or "I want to get to know him first." Both rationales are fantasy indulgences. I've come to see it as kooky, amateur behavior.

 

I reached a point where I refused to continue. Most of those conversations ended with a women sending a message to which I never got around to responding, or I sent a short answer rather than expounding on whatever.

 

With my current girlfriend, she liked my profile and I asked her out in the very first message, which was pretty short. She agree in her response to me. We were on the same page with that... and a lot of stuff as it turned out.

 

Funny you mentioned this...I actually had gotten to the point of getting a woman's phone # and talking to her on the phone. When I asked her out, she said she wasn't ready yet as she prefers to get to know me better and threw out the "all good things to those who wait" card.

 

I cut ties after about a month (should have been sooner) as all she preferred was just texting.

 

Some time later, she updated her profile to extend her "I'll meet when I'm darned good n ready!" to the rest of the bachelor public:

 

If you can be tolerance! I am the one who will decide when I provide my PHONE NUMBER and I am the one who will decide when is time to MEET IN PERSON.

 

Good and sure things takes time.

 

If you are looking for something easy or one date night, I'm so sorry you are in the wrong page!

 

So I'm guessing she intends on catfishing or being a time vampire to every guy in the area. Sadly, she's over 50 and I'm kind of surprised in regards to that because I noticed older women tend to be aware of the clock is ticking.

[Larryville]

What's sad is, these people are really shooting themselves in the foot as I see them on the sites, locally...women I've already contacted yet ignored me or did the catfish/pen-pal thing with me...still on the site as permanent fixtures of spinsterhood.

 

I recall taking a year long break from a dating site, knowing that you can still perform a search when not even a member, I still saw a good percentage of women I had already contacted, some on more than one occasion, STILL on the site.

 

Yup, take POF, I some time ago started the 30 days on then 30 days off OLD sites, I’m pretty in tuned with who is in my particular area and about 40 percent of the profiles (while active) have had the same picture or content for more than a few years.

 

Since I pay close attention to profiles, there are certain things I can tell in the writing if they are new to OLD or are at least reasonable serious about meeting a guy.

 

a time vampire

 

Great descriptor…

 

They're lonely.

 

G that’s the thing, generally a lot of these women are those I am generally interested in based on profiles, first then pic then even after the first couple of phone calls. They are active lead seemingly busy lives, active with their families, have other hobbies. Maybe they are overstating their lifestyles but I don’t get the feeling that they are “lonely” women hanging at home 24/7.

 

They do the catfish thing, want a pen-pal and nothing more. I really blame the boom in Internet tech that's influencing this, though humans have what we call "self-control" some refuse to adhere to it. Thusly the perpetual online pen-pal correspondence.

 

That is the thing as well, if that is all they wanted then why just not put that in their profile, or your title basically where you highlight “your intent” I never contact anyone who has “nothing serious, no commitment” that is NOT what I am looking for. But honestly getting to the point where I just don’t give a damn anymore to be honest.

[LookAtThisPOst]

G that’s the thing, generally a lot of these women are those I am generally interested in based on profiles, first then pic then even after the first couple of phone calls. They are active lead seemingly busy lives, active with their families, have other hobbies. Maybe they are overstating their lifestyles but I don’t get the feeling that they are “lonely” women hanging at home 24/7.

 

I know what you mean. A lot of single mothers out there that are more content with their families and kids, pets, etc. putting prospective dating prospects dead last.

 

There was this one woman I was corresponding with. Now...I live in a surburban area, but I do have access to grocery stores, a lot of chains clustered here and there, just slows down after 8 or 9 pm on a week night.

 

This one woman lives about 30 mins north of me close to a major forest. It's a barely known town with a lone green sign and a flashing yellow light...middle of no where. You have to zoom in pretty close on Google Maps to see these smaller mayor-less/police-less townships. lol

 

She is single, no kids, never married. Kind of a hippie chick, but a nice smile and great figure. Dresses in nice, retro 60s attire.

 

She says she hardly gets on OK Cupid much anymore as she works at a 24/7 Vet clinic...she works 12-hr shifts and apparently screen writes indie horror flicks.

 

That latter part caught my attention as I fall within the same wheelhouse, mentioned I was even an extra in such a amatuer movie, but I couldn't get the ball rolling on THAT conversation.

 

You think someone with such a passion would be hooked by my interest in the film arts.

 

But still..nada. On Facebook she has 1,500 friends and apparently goes to a lot of local, backwater concerts. From the looks of it, it looks like she's a major social butterfly and it surprises me she hasn't met anyone through those channels as everyone kind of runs in the same lifestyle.

 

She 1. Doesn't' have kids and 2. Lives in the middle-of-nowhere. 3. Free spirited it would seem so you'd think she'd have time to meet up with someone and talk filming and screen writing, right?

 

You mentioned I think before how you carefully selected women who had succinct profiles that shared your hobbies, interests, values, and beliefs..but now have opened yourself up to the more generic sounding ones...and going from there to see afterwards what they share with you. Good method.

 

It would get disappointing to get ALL excited over meeting a woman that shares some obscure, "unpopular with the female gender" interests, only to have them not be all into you about it.

 

"Hey, you like horror films and kayaking the forest rivers? Awesome? Let's grab a drink and picnic in the great outdoors and do a hike!"

 

Unfortunately, the unenthused response pretty much equals to the vanilla profiles of women who "love to laugh" and "don't sweat the small stuff" or "work hard, play hard" lol

[Larryville]

I know what you mean. A lot of single mothers out there that are more content with their families and kids, pets, etc. putting prospective dating prospects dead last.

 

Why I never (anymore) date single mothers… Kids should be a priority and women who does not put her kids first has greater issues.

 

My other reality is I’m communicative, I’m not shy about expressing my views or who or what I am. However there is one dynamic that is important to point out.

 

If you get with a woman (I’m talking primarily older, but could apply to younger I guess) and if they were raised in an environment where they were not “heard” not “listened to” this affects many who are on OLD sites.

 

I have learned that my openness and bluntness scares many off, maybe I come off as too serious I don’t know. I’m a good listener AND will ask questions a lot of women on OLD sites are not use to that, many have said so because they came out of relationships where their voice did not matter and nobody truly asked them in a genuine manner things about themselves, hopes, and dreams goals whatever.

 

When most get on these sites, we only look at the person in one dimension, how they look in some crappy generic pic or some superficial words in a profile. Why women answer or don’t answer your email, why they choose to communicate with you vs another dude, whether they decide to meet, how they respond whatever is a lot more complex but as someone said the internet and OLD has made us all into a generic commodity where we are just browsed thru. That is a much bigger and deeper issue. We evolve with each connection, each answered AND unanswered email, text, phone call.

 

Goes to an old quote "We sometimes must unlearn, what we have learned to move forward." something like that...

[4x4storm]

Hey dude at least you get messages i'm 20 so my range of girls is 18-22 and it's like a bloody war zone of emotions. You may read a girls profile and have everything in common and you feel like they aren't out of your league or maybe even below your standards.

 

So you whip up a message talking about their profile and send it off. 5 minutes later you get a notification they viewed your profile and well nothing....So you could be sitting on Okcupid and see exactly the same girl you sent a message too on POF 3 week ago signup. So you read their profile and it goes "I'm sick of being messed around i'm looking for a genuine guy who like cuddles blah blah blah..

 

I've changed my profile about 4-5 times this year seeing what works the best and apparently having your profile picture of yourself with your sisters rabbit taken 4 years ago when you were 16 works the best

[LookAtThisPOst]

So you read their profile and it goes "I'm sick of being messed around i'm looking for a genuine guy who like cuddles blah blah blah..

:

 

LOL...sometimes when I get the urge, if I see a woman "amend" their profile with such things, "Here I am again" or "No pervs or ONS's contact me!" or whatever they complain about.

 

I send them a note addressing their amended profile, saying, "Hey, if you didn't ignore decent men like us, then you wouldn't be in this online dating abyss. lol!"

[4x4storm]

LOL...sometimes when I get the urge, if I see a woman "amend" their profile with such things, "Here I am again" or "No pervs or ONS's contact me!" or whatever they complain about.

 

I send them a note addressing their amended profile, saying, "Hey, if you didn't ignore decent men like us, then you wouldn't be in this online dating abyss. lol!"

 

Yeah I have always been tempted to try that approach but at the end of the day I know these girl's aren't worth my time. I have tried the approach of sending them a 2nd message months later pretty much stating I would like to know more about you.

 

Again same process 5 minutes later they check your profile and nothing. On some occasions they will send a message back with something like "Good thx" "hahahah" "Not much you?"

[spiderowl]

I am confused about your post and not sure what you are expecting. You seem to be saying they don't want to explore anything significant and yet you are also saying you are just being polite with some who do not interest you.

 

If a woman wants to get into a deep conversation with you, it does show that she likes to chat to you and may even be exploring a relationship. I find guys want to talk sex as quickly as possible (though they often say that's not the case, they get round to it by some means or other) and women want to find out the guy thinks about lots of things. Women build relationships in different ways to men.

 

Guys seem to think if a woman wants to talk to them about anything other than sex, then she is not interested in them in that way. This is often wrong. I want to feel there is more to a relationship with a guy than sex chat. If he gets pissed off because we are not on his favourite subject, then what does that say about his personality?

 

I don't know how these chats are going but if you've met women and they still want to chat with you, then this is good. It is a sign you have a relationship with them. In order to find out whether it is just chat or more, suggest meeting again.

 

I don't think you should be offended and jump to any conclusions because women like chatting to you. A sense of connection and familiarity means a lot if they are happy to meet up as well.

[spiderowl]

"I have learned that my openness and bluntness scares many off"

 

What is this about? This probably has something to do with how you are interacting with women. What are you open and blunt about?

[Larryville]

Spider The reason for my post is I'm on an online dating site because I am looking for a relationship. I'm not on the site to play games I'm not on the site 2 try to fool or trick anyone I'm sincere about my intentions. The reason for the thread is there are women who will say that they are looking for a relationship so there are aspects in their profile which indicates such I get into a conversation with them but yet there is no real intent on their part to do anything more than just to have a conversation with someone. If all they want to do is chat then they would get on a site like this and just have random conversations with people but their profile doesn't indicate that it's just strange to me that people even some that will say that they are not interested in anything of substance after initially conversing with me will continue to want to have conversations with her that is on the phone or via text or email I don't understand the behavior maybe I'm not making myself clear but that's just odd to me is all.

I don't t mind having conversations with people because many of them are very nice individuals kind of like the people here who participate on this site because I like reading some of the issues some of the more serious issues but I like the banter I do so while I'm at work while I'm multitasking so engaging on this site is more social. The women on the online dating sites May reach out to me sometimes I reach out to them but even after finding out that they are not looking for anything relationship-wise they still want to converse I personally just don't understand the behavior and wanted to know if any other guys experience this it's just weird to me is all.

[Larryville]

Forgot the bluntness just simply is that I am very clear about what my intentions are. Apparently too many of these women are having conversations with guys and they play games with them I don't want to play games with anybody I'm too old for that and I don't have time to do with anyone's foolishness all I can say is I'm just very straightforward about what I am looking for I don't even know if I can even find it anymore but I just don't have time for games.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your reply Larryville. I'm sorry you've found it so frustrating. I don't think it's such a bad thing that a woman wants to continue to chat. She obviously likes you or wouldn't do that. Maybe she's not physically attracted. Maybe she feels you are rushing or pressurising in some way and is backing off. I honestly wouldn't know without seeing the interactions and that is your private affair.

 

If you liked a woman who wishes to carrying on communicating, then I would respond within a reasonable time. Be warm and friendly, but obviously have other things to do as well. If she's just backing off because she feels pressured, she should become more confident if that pressure is removed. Eventually, she may suggest meeting.

 

When I chat online with a guy, I won't rush into anything either. I've had enough experience of guys starting out nice and turning unpleasant. I take time to get to know the guy. A guy cannot keep up a good image for long if he's fundamentally bad-tempered or sleazy.

 

If you can stay the course for a while, you might find something works out with one of these women. Give them chance to get to know you are a decent guy. I am not suggesting you waste hours on people who don't seem to want to develop a relationship, but maintaining good contacts never hurt anyone. As someone who fell in love with a long-term friend and married him, I know that friendship can turn into something else when you trust someone and feel real affection for them.