olivia-marina Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 My partner and I have been together nearly two years I have a almost 3 year old from a previous relationship, last night he said he needs space in the two years we have had a break twice where he goes for 3 months and then he comes back and we start all over again, he says the thing that puts him off in our relationship is that he's still young and he doesn't want to look back later in life and regret not going out and enjoying life why he's young but then the another part of him really loves me and doesn't want to lose me . I'm also young and obviously cant go out and party as much anymore as I have a daughter but then this morning he gets up and just is fine and says we are fine don't worry about it I was just in a bad mood last night. I just really don't know what to do anymore.... I pack his lunch wash his clothes I'm pretty much like a wife I don't want to lose him because I love him but I just am really sick off him coming back and then saying he wants space again..... everyone says just leave him but when things are good they are really good and hes amazing with my daughter I just really don't know what to do if anyone has any advice id love to hear it willing to try anything
frus69 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 So when he had his breaks he went out and banged other women. Let's get it out there first. Now question to you OP : do you think you can find a guy who's as good as(or even better than) him on the good days and also will stick with you (and not cheat on you) on the bad days? I think you can. Those men are out there. You need to grow a back bone and get rid of him and go seek them 5
BrainMangler Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Dump him and find a guy who is normal. The time to date a around is from 18 - 21, he should have gotten it out of his system a long time ago. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I would not tolerate this. He's telling you and showing you he's not committed to you and he's not ready to settle down. But he does it because you've been letting him do so, thus far. He's "enjoying" life (and, I assume, enjoying other women too) while you are hurting and waiting for him to come back. It doesn't matter if you behave like his wife or enjoy the relationship when it's good. That all obviously doesn't mean as much to him as it does to you. This is very unhealthy. Don't waste more of your time or heart with this guy. Tell him to stay gone this time. 2
Raena Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 At this point he needs to make up his mind... either he wants to stay and make a commitment to you or he wants his freedom. He can't have both. It's time for you to put your foot down and make the decision for him. You don't really want this guy coming and going out of your child's life do you? Even at 3 your child will be effected by it and it only gets worse from here on. Seems to me that he wants to go sow his wild oats. Let him. Push him out the door and make him go and stay gone. Any man who really wants to make it work with you isn't going to need a break. 2
BikerAccnt Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Don't put up with that crap. Hot/Cold - Push/Pull - always needing space relationships are emotionally draining and borderline abusive. I know, I put up with it for 2 years. He's not ready for an emotionally significant relationship, his actions are showing you that. As hard as it is, it's probably time to move on. 3
katiegrl Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Agree with the others but to add, stop acting like a wife. You are not his wife and you should not be acting like one.... Especially since he keeps needing "breaks". Good lord girl, have some respect for yourself and walk away from this user.
Zahara Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I pack his lunch wash his clothes I'm pretty much like a wife I don't want to lose him Stop being his mother. It's no wonder he treats you like a doormat. You sit back and cater to his every need, then even allowing him to waltz in and out while he's going out and messing with other women. because I love him but I just am really sick off him coming back and then saying he wants space again..... everyone says just leave him but when things are good they are really good and hes amazing with my daughter I just really don't know what to do if anyone has any advice id love to hear it willing to try anything Love doesn't come at the expense of mental and emotional stress and pain. Things are supposed to be consistent -- not when it's good it's good and when it's bad it's bad. Wonderful that he is amazing with your daughter but what are YOU teaching her? That's it's okay for a man to stroll in and out of your lives -- that healthy and nurturing means up and down? I think the only reason he comes back is because he knows he has a safe and comfortable place to fall. Someone to wash his clothes, make his food, clean his home and someone that's a sure bet for companionship and sex. It's an awesome deal. 4
kendahke Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Why are you acting like his wife when you're not? That's the main question. You can't wife your way into wife status if he's not of the mind to make you his wife. This guy doesn't sound like that guy. You're doing way too much extra stuff when all you need to be concerned with is yourself and your child. If you're desperate to keep a man, then it will become very obvious to that man and he will act in ways that amplify your desperation to keep him around. So, yeah, this ain't going to be the last time he says this to you--he's going to hit you up for some space again and again until you stop devaluing yourself by playing wifey without the state recognizing that legal status. What he has is a housekeeper he has sex with, not a wife. 3
vanhalenfan Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Taking a different spin, what's his relationship with your daughter? Just curious since he's basically been around since she's been born, right?
JoeSmith357-1 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I'm guessing he is out banging random chicks and when he cant find anything, or needs a change of pace, he comes back to you. And you let him?? Then he gets bored and goes and bangs random chicks again.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 You think he would have taken you back if you had needed a couple of breaks to get it on with other dudes?
greenly24 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I'm sorry things are the way they are. I can tell that you're not at all happy with your current situation. Have you let your partner know how you feel? Have you told him that you don't like the fact that he leaves and that it hurts you? If he really cares about you, he should care about your feelings. Also, I think would be a good idea for you to set some boundaries. Of course we want to do things for those we love, but we can't let someone use us. Do you feel like he's taking advantage of you because of the things you do for him? It sounds like maybe you love him so much that you're putting blinders on and not considering anything else. Maybe it'd be a good idea to talk with him.
Author olivia-marina Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 I'm guessing he is out banging random chicks and when he cant find anything, or needs a change of pace, he comes back to you. And you let him?? Then he gets bored and goes and bangs random chicks again. pretty much
Author olivia-marina Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 vanhalenfan his relationship with my daughter is massive hes pretty much like her dad she doesn't know any different and when he has his space he still sees her and doesn't miss any event birthdays ect he really good with her
MsJayne Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 It's not fair on your daughter to have this guy coming and going in her life, it's a type of instability, and your first responsibility is to her. If he was really into you he wouldn't be wanting space. I'll tell you what he's doing.....he finds someone who he thinks is better, but then it doesn't work out, and he comes back to you. Don't be a doormat, be the door that slams in his selfish face. 2
Author olivia-marina Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 so a bit of a update.... I took everything you guys had to say and I went home and told him I want him to pack his things if he needs space he needs to leave. and he started crying I felt horrible I still made him leave.... my problem now is that I do really believe he does love me I think hes honestly really worried about pretty much having to be a father hes never both of his parents growing up he response to why he keeps doing this is because he doesn't want to disappoint me and hes really worried hes not going to be able to be the rolde model I want for my daughter.... I told him he still needs to leave. I guess my next question is do you think he may really care and what hes saying is the truth or just a excuse because I'm leaving ? and do you think he could really care? 2
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 so a bit of a update.... I took everything you guys had to say and I went home and told him I want him to pack his things if he needs space he needs to leave. and he started crying I felt horrible I still made him leave.... my problem now is that I do really believe he does love me I think hes honestly really worried about pretty much having to be a father hes never both of his parents growing up he response to why he keeps doing this is because he doesn't want to disappoint me and hes really worried hes not going to be able to be the rolde model I want for my daughter.... I told him he still needs to leave. I guess my next question is do you think he may really care and what hes saying is the truth or just a excuse because I'm leaving ? and do you think he could really care? He's a bonafide commitmentphobe. They are notoriously known for needing "space", they are notoriously known for crying when their gfs get fed up and leave (or asks then to leave) and they are notoriously known for freaking out about anything to do with commitment, including becoming a parent, and the future. You did the right thing. Block delete next. 5
Zahara Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 so a bit of a update.... I took everything you guys had to say and I went home and told him I want him to pack his things if he needs space he needs to leave. and he started crying I felt horrible I still made him leave.... my problem now is that I do really believe he does love me I think hes honestly really worried about pretty much having to be a father hes never both of his parents growing up he response to why he keeps doing this is because he doesn't want to disappoint me and hes really worried hes not going to be able to be the rolde model I want for my daughter.... I told him he still needs to leave. I guess my next question is do you think he may really care and what hes saying is the truth or just a excuse because I'm leaving ? and do you think he could really care? He has a warped sense of what love means and so do you. He "loves" you in a dysfunctional and unhealthy way. Love in the true sense commits and is loyal to you. It doesn't abandon you for other women. You both are bound together by toxicity. We often confuse the drama and intensity for "love". This man is likely going out there and having sex with other women and you believe he loves you?! If your daughter came home one day and gave you this exact story of a man treating her this way, what would you tell her? Don't read into the crying. It means nothing. I had an ex that could not commit to me and he too cried whenever I ended it. Turns out, he still went on his way with other women. His past and what torments him is his issue. Until he is able to get over his demons, IF that is the reason he behaves this way -- you are not his mother or savior. You exit and protect yourself and your daughter and focus on creating a stable environment for her. He's patterned to behave this way. It's dysfunctional and he's likely not going to change. Stop enabling him and let him go. 3
spiderowl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 He's having wobbles which, to be honest, most people have in relationships. The question is whether they are just wobbles or he is likely to drop out for good or keep going and coming back. I think other posters are right in that you need to draw a line for him, that he cannot go and have space and expect to come back. As long as he thinks he can do this, he will do. Why not? It's probably most men's ideal relationship - security, love, and then the odd fling for fun. This does not mean he does not love you, more that he is testing the waters with you - what will you allow? I think you being a strong person who draws the line actually makes you more attractive to him. Let him think this one over. I bet he didn't expect your reaction. Now he knows you won't put up with just anything, he will have to renegotiate the relationship with you. He may not of course, he may decide he really does want out, but I suspect he's going to come back full of apologies for upsetting you. He has a good thing going with you and your daughter and he knows it. Respect is fundamental in a relationship. If he thinks you will be his doormat, he will not respect you and be more likely to play around. If he knows where the lines are and that you expect him to do his fair share, then he will be more wary of messing you about.
joseb Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 so a bit of a update.... I took everything you guys had to say and I went home and told him I want him to pack his things if he needs space he needs to leave. and he started crying I felt horrible I still made him leave.... my problem now is that I do really believe he does love me I think hes honestly really worried about pretty much having to be a father hes never both of his parents growing up he response to why he keeps doing this is because he doesn't want to disappoint me and hes really worried hes not going to be able to be the rolde model I want for my daughter.... I told him he still needs to leave. I guess my next question is do you think he may really care and what hes saying is the truth or just a excuse because I'm leaving ? and do you think he could really care? I'm sure he cares for you. But I agree, he sounds like a classic commitment phobe. It he was that worried about parenting, he should either have left before or not kept "needing space" every few months. I think what he has is attachment, rather than true love. You did the right thing, if you don't follow through you will be in the same situation in another few months. 3
MissBee Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 So when he had his breaks he went out and banged other women. Let's get it out there first. Now question to you OP : do you think you can find a guy who's as good as(or even better than) him on the good days and also will stick with you (and not cheat on you) on the bad days? I think you can. Those men are out there. You need to grow a back bone and get rid of him and go seek them I agree. You can't trust a man who has said point blank that your relationship is one that may cause him regret and who every so often freaks out and wants space. If doing everything "like a wife" and loving someone were key to a good relationship, so many people would be happy. It's not though. Many people are willing to accept the benefits of being in an arrangement or "wife-like" activities you freely do for them, even if they are not 100% committed to you and the relationship. You also have a daughter so it will affect her negatively as well if you allow this man to toy around with you. Loving someone who isn't all in with you doesn't make them become all in. Loving yourself and your child above all else is more important, as so many people take abuse, disrespect and crumbs from a supposed relationship all in the same of "but I love him." Sometimes you love folks but they aren't right for you and you have to let them go and even examine what love really means to you. As for the crying and stuff...I know it's hard to witness and can reel you back in, but trust me, many a woman (and man) has kept themselves stuck in bad relationships or relationships going nowhere because of being reeled back in with tears, sob stories or feeling bad for this person and making excuses about how "they do love me...they are just scared, fearful, wounded, [insert other problem]." It's not that these things cannot be true, but relationships can't be built on making excuses for bad behavior, as even if they have a "reason," if you aren't getting what you need and can't count on them to be all in, then you have to wish them well in working out their fears but you can't sacrifice your well being for it, as it may never happen. You have to be willing to choose you foremost and be okay with letting this man go and believe that he isn't your last chance or even the best...as others have mentioned, there are men out there who are ready, willing, able, not scared etc who can match you rather than hoping for someone who cannot to one day match up. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 If you feel guilty about making him leave, ask yourself what he gets up to when he's on these "breaks" from you. He needs to stay gone. He is bringing instability to your and your daughter's life. That is not fair on you, and especially on her. 1
MsJayne Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 so a bit of a update.... I took everything you guys had to say and I went home and told him I want him to pack his things if he needs space he needs to leave. and he started crying I felt horrible I still made him leave.... my problem now is that I do really believe he does love me I think hes honestly really worried about pretty much having to be a father hes never both of his parents growing up he response to why he keeps doing this is because he doesn't want to disappoint me and hes really worried hes not going to be able to be the rolde model I want for my daughter.... I told him he still needs to leave. I guess my next question is do you think he may really care and what hes saying is the truth or just a excuse because I'm leaving ? and do you think he could really care? Yes, I think he cares, but mostly about himself. He probably cares about you too, and your daughter, but you deserve better and if you believe that it will eventually come your way. You have enough responsibility being a single mum, the last thing you need is to be distracted by an emotional retard.
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