Why do I shut out everyone?

[nightingal]

I am single, 28 yrs old and I spend most of my time working. I do not have a boyfriend, because am a very conservative person and also very picky. Haven't had any friends either, well I can say I have lot of people who treat me as a friend, but I value friendship a lot and am very judgmental when it comes to people so don't think of anyone as my friend unless they are really like my kind.

 

Earlier, I atleast used to think about dating someone, but I've gotten so used to living alone and spending time working that now am almost leaning towards remaining single. And I get so busy and engrossed/stressed out with work that if I have something going on I can go days without talking to my parents/family members.

 

I rarely talk to people over phone, because I feel there isn't much to talk. And even when am with my family members, am most of the time an emotionless person. If someone cracks a joke, I smile for few seconds at the greatest. I feel like I have nothing to talk/share with other people so I just stay silent. Same with other coworkers, earlier I used to be somewhat interested in hanging out with them , but now all I do is work, run errands, go shopping, watch movies etc. And unlike most other people, if I don't like something that am doing I cant pretend liking it and my family members are worried about my behavior.

 

Am I weird? Why am I shutting down even people who I love like my parents, am I being very selfish?

[basil67]

When you posted recently, you described yourself as an introvert. But what you're describing now is much more than introversion. Introverts can enjoy people and company - it just needs to be in small doses and with a bit of recovery time. However it sounds like you really don't like people much.

 

Have you thought about the reasons why you're judgmental? I think that being judgmental happens in mostly two different scenarios (which would would cross in a venn diagram). The first reason is that judging others gives one a sense of superiority. After all, we are looking down on a person when we judge them. The second reason is based on a feeling of injustice when we see one person who's words or actions hurt another person or people. It's the injustice of it all which can get us going. What type of personality traits do you judge? And what is your payback?

 

With your family, do you disapprove of them? Is this why you can't be bothered making an effort socially with them?

 

Have you ever tried to change your attitude by finding the good in people?

[nightingal]

Maybe I should rephrase my statement then. I wouldn't entirely say I don't enjoy people and company, but there are very few people who I enjoy talking to.

 

When I say I judge people, I tend to evaluate if a person is truly honest, like how we have the saying that goes : A friend in need is a friend indeed , I expect every friend of mine to stick to this. And if I realize that the other person is merely spending time with you without actually helping you out when you are in need of something, I can never think of that person as my friend any more or do not even wish to spend time with them. I've had friends in the past who merely used to take advantage of me, because am very sensitive. And somewhere down the lane, this happened way too many times that I stopped believing in friendships and friends. Similarly, if I meet a new person I tend to again evaluate, is this person my kind or more of partying type of person. And the minute I realize like he/she is not my kind, I feel like I can't get along with them.

 

Coming to my family members, I love them a lot especially my parents. But all my brothers and sisters have been married and sometimes I feel like nobody really cares about me and they are busy with their own lives(not my parents though). It's always me who has to initiate contact with them, not once do I hear from them. So lately I've been feeling like maybe people change after having a family of their own. All your past relationships, good old times are simply gone.

[basil67]

Based on what you wrote here, I think your expectations of friends are too harsh. Most of us have a small group of friends who will be there for us when we need it - and we help them too. Other people can be friends, but they aren't so close and we wouldn't expect them to drop everything for us.

 

Here's a link to help explain what I mean Session #107: A Friendly Discussion of Friendships - Brookston Beer Bulletin

 

At the top of the pyramid are those who will be there for us when required. They are the ones who invite us to stuff and make time for us in their lives. But those in the lower layers of the pyramid are doing nothing wrong. It's normal to have casual friends. People who are interesting to chat with when we see them, but they're not the ones we go to when we're in need.

 

Of course if a casual friend takes advantage of us, then yes, we drop them. But most casual friends won't take advantage of us. Try not to judge nice casual friends based on the actions of a bad few.

 

With your family not taking initiative with you, yes, having families of their own can change the dynamic. Our social activities will change with our lifestyles so this would be part of it.

 

However, in your first post, you talked about not really being interested in being other people and that you can't fake a degree of polite enjoyment if you're finding things a bit dull. This would also explain why your siblings aren't seeking you out. If you're emotionless and faking smiles at jokes, why would they seek you out? They probably know that you really can't be bothered with them and accordingly don't seek you out.

 

If you want people to include you and want to spend time around you, you need to genuinely show interest in them. And be pleasant company.

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry you feel like your siblings don't want to spend time with you. Once my sister got married I had to start initiating conversations and plan for us to hang out. I think it's just what happens when people start a family on their own. Maybe talk to your siblings if it really hurts your feelings?

I don't think you're weird for being single! If it's your choice, and you're happy with it, then you have nothing to worry about.

You may be introverted, or you may shut people out because you're comfortable with your life, and hanging out with new people may scare you, or may disrupt your pattern. There could be many reasons. Just don't shut yourself out to everyone!

[Satu]

Cultivate some loving kindness towards human beings in general, wether they meet your 'picky' standards, or not.

 

We are not only here for ourselves.

[Nowty V]

Am I weird? Why am I shutting down even people who I love like my parents, am I being very selfish?

 

No, you are not being very selfish, you are just being you. I applaud the fact you have the strength of character to be able to do this.

 

You only get one life and you are entitled to live this how you wish, barring the incursions of motivated experience spoilers.

 

Love you and love life, if anyone has a problem with it... it's their problem .. not yours.

 

If being how you are upsets you, then maybe you could investigate it; if it upsets other people that's down to them.

 

I live a life with an outlook quite similar, I don't feel unfulfilled, when I do I retreat into the arts, check out the life of Van Gogh, what a man and what art he created, he believed.

 

You're cool, unless you think you're not cool, you have it in you're power to amend.

[brothers343]

I do understand that you only have one life and that you should live it how you want too.......Buttttttt aparently it's bothering you or you wouldn't even bother to post here. Becouse by posting here your feeling like maybe something is wrong and your asking for a little help. I am one that chooses my friends carefully but to me (ofcourse this is just my opinion) my life would be kind of boring if I would just live life like a hermit crab. And like I said previously, you may be living your life perfectly normal to your standards but to someone looking in you may be living life unfulfilled. Good luck.

[Nowty V]

And like I said previously

 

I've checked the thread, where did you say anything previously?