tomatome Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I was wondering if I could receive some support from the board. I am often a lurker here due to my SO, and I should probably contribute more to supporting others with their difficulties. Three year relationship; it didn't start out well but was making significant progress in the last few years and seemed to be getting serious. Suddenly this past weekend she tells me that she heard from a mutual friend that her foreign ex that she dated for seven years divorced recently and that she now wants to 'finally get over him,' which apparently are code words for pushing me aside and dealing with her feelings for him. She tells me she is not sure about us, give her time. She hasn't seen him in five years: her ex moved backed to his home country, married and conceived a child with another woman in the interim. This isn't the problem really. I know I am dealing with a certain level of madness and that keeping her around in any kind of capacity may do significant damage to my mental health (I'm sure she would use me as an agony aunt in any case). Even though I still clearly love her, I have not given chase and have not begged her in any way. It would seem NC would be the best way to go (I understand that NC is not a strategy to get your ex back and I would truly use it as a way to forget her and not suffer anymore). So why am I hesitating going NC? Am I masochist? Am I codependent and always want to be there no matter the cost? Am I holding hope against all odds? Do I just have no boundaries? I have my hand over the button, but just can't push it quite yet and don't know why.
Blanco Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I think it's normal. Even people who do go NC usually don't do so immediately. Seems like it takes feeling a bit more torment or uneasiness that a lot of people finally pull the trigger. As someone who didn't go NC right away and is now more than a year removed from finally doing it, I regret not doing it right off the bat. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I agree with Blanco, I think it's normal. People who use no contact as a way to move on can find it hard because they know that once they have blocked their ex, that is it. Knowing that it's the right thing to do doesn't make it stop hurting. You might be hesitating because you don't want to feel more pain, which is understandable, but when the time is right you will do it because you don't want to be stuck in an even worse situation dealing with your ex.
Author tomatome Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 Thanks to both of you for the prompt replies. I think both of you are right, the situation is not completely untenable yet and maybe I need to suffer a bit more before conscious thought takes charge. Right now I am just kind of being quiet and not initiating anything. She will text rather innocently every few days to say hello and I will just give short, polite replies. She has a strong fear of abandonment, which I think kept her in the relationship longer than she wanted to. I have no plans to meet her as she has a way of drawing me back in even if her intentions are not the purest. Did either of announce your desire not to be contacted or did you just stop talking? Wishing both of you well.
whatnot Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I was just terrified to do it. We're talking physically sick terrified. Over the course of the last 4 years (of a 6 or 7 year relationship, depending on how one counts) I tried a couple of times and failed. This time I sent her a text message that said, "I'm going to be taking some time for myself. If you try contacting me I won't be responding." That's all it said. No "tidying up the past"...no, "sweet nothings". I don't know if she responded to the text or not. I went NC as soon as it was sent. When the drug turns on you, you go cold turkey. It's the only way I knew of to stop hurting...You'll know when it's right. (It's no small thing...probably one of, if not the most, painful times of my life (lol and that's saying something! ) Good luck and take care man 1
Addicted18 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I know exactly how you feel, I'm in the same boat. I've been wanting to go strict 100% NC so I can just forget about her and stop the hurt. I've stopped myself from texting her (though it's only been a week), but I did not block her number nor block her on FB. I still check her FB, but not as often as I did before. It's like I'm slowly tapering her off and trying to move to complete NC. I want to completely forget about her and stop thinking about her every single day.
Author tomatome Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 Good luck and take care man Hope all is peaceful with you as well. You said you failed twice at first, any particular reason why?
Emilia Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 It can be hard. Sometimes I need a real push if I don't dislike the person sufficiently. There is ALWAYS a point though where I call it quits and go NC.
Author tomatome Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) I know exactly how you feel, I'm in the same boat. I've been wanting to go strict 100% NC so I can just forget about her and stop the hurt. I've stopped myself from texting her (though it's only been a week), but I did not block her number nor block her on FB. I still check her FB, but not as often as I did before. It's like I'm slowly tapering her off and trying to move to complete NC. I want to completely forget about her and stop thinking about her every single day. Be wary of FB. I really don't want to see pictures of my ex and her ex-BF together or learn that they are now FB buddies, so I absolutely do not check her FB and have at least stopped following her posts. In a prior relationship an ex of mine was laying her heart out over me on Skype while posting pics of her new BF. Seeing this was a shock to the heart and first led me here to the forum. Edited June 20, 2016 by tomatome Spelling
whatnot Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) Hope all is peaceful with you as well. You said you failed twice at first, any particular reason why? Yes. We enjoyed each other's company. Members of the opposite sex tend to get on both of our nerves after a while and that never happened with us. (Well...for the most part anyway. This was never a problem). We live 3.5 hrs. from each other. She's a very high functioning individual....real estate, contracting, and very involved in various community orginizations and politics. She's "a name" in her area. (She's been invited to the White House! I was impressed! But also...intimidated, though I got past that pretty quickly LOL. After that she just began to just scare me! We met on line. I had a boat at the time. Our relationship dynamics were...she'd come to the boat to unwind and relax and I enjoyed knowing I was someone she felt she could "let her hair down" with. The boat played a prominent part in our relationship. I was living on it part time. What better place to relax than on a boat? So...my life was where she would come to"visit" for relaxation...to get away from her life. I began to need more. So the arguments that began over not seeing each otjernwould.get larger and larger. She felt pressure. I felt Number 17 on her "to do" list. She would never take my calls. (Too busy). She never felt comfortable with my coming to her area. ("I can't relax here"...and i could feel her stress there as well). She could never tell me when she would be free to see me. There was nothing I could use to "put a stake in the ground" as to how or where or when I would be seeing her again. I would tell her..."We have to work something out more concrete. I cannot live in a black hole". For whatever reason....she just could not/would not negotiate this. It wasn't an accommodation she could/would grant. (I'm now in the process of just now beginning to figure out why. I loved her personality. But...I'm beginning to believe I don't like her as a person). I would do it as long as I could do it, then leave the relationship. But...i would begin to miss her company. We got along very well when together and I would.begin to believe I could change myself to accommodate her unreliability. I missed her. When I would leave I would believe in my heart it was forever. At about the 8 month mark...i would be missing her so much I'd call her. (She was also missing me. She'd be keeping one eye open as well.) This happened twice. Of course it would break her heart when I left. When I would come back...her "unassessibility" would be even larger. She told me in March she was seeing another man. That's when I sent the NC text. There obviously more to it than this. But...that's the public consumption version.. This time it's different (for me). This time I'm looking at the relationship as a whole. This time I'm looking at our "best of times" and seeing them as that's going to be as good as it could have ever been or could ever be. And...now...even that would not be enough for me (But...gawdallmighty...it's so painful. Even when I battled cancer...i did so alone. She was "too busy and I can't tell you when I won't be busy!". Screw that. (So much lol for not trashing her. I'm having a few anger issues to work through as we speak!). Edit: tomatome...This is what's at the bottom of how this break up is different. I am putting ALOT of work into what caused me to go back. What caused me to stay as long as I did. And what the cause of the seemingly "invisible force" was, that kept us apart.. And...I'm grieving. You gotta be willing to grieve it. One grieves only what is gone forever. There are so many feelings. I don't ever want this in my life again. It's the first time...i don't understand it still. But I work at needing to know...for my own mental health. Edited June 20, 2016 by whatnot 1
Author tomatome Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 I will just comment on my situation. I don't mean it as a direct comparison, but hopefully it could provide some insight for the both of us. Edit: tomatome...This is what's at the bottom of how this break up is different. I am putting ALOT of work into what caused me to go back. What caused me to stay as long as I did. And what the cause of the seemingly "invisible force" was, that kept us apart.. And...I'm grieving. You gotta be willing to grieve it. One grieves only what is gone forever. There are so many feelings. I don't ever want this in my life again. It's the first time...i don't understand it still. But I work at needing to know...for my own mental health. This issue bothers me as well. There were times when it was quite apparent that mine was struggling emotionally with the relationship, and she would often never be 'all in,' and I would be a bit exasperated and wondering whether it would work. At these times a nagging little voice would also be telling me to "run, run away quickly." We would have a serious conversation about us, and I often asked her if she needed me to be a friend instead, in all sincerity, and she would say that she didn't want to lose me, and I would be sucked back in even if I really felt I needed to get out. A dear friend of mine recently sussed the whole situation in about five minutes. She said, "While I am not sure whether she cares about you or not, it's obvious that she stays with you because you make her feel better about herself." She does openly admit to loathing herself at times. So I have the world and my own mind telling me that it will not work, yet I choose to stay. I mistook insecurity for desire. Why did I do that?
Author tomatome Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) (But...gawdallmighty...it's so painful. Even when I battled cancer...i did so alone. She was "too busy and I can't tell you when I won't be busy!". Screw that. (So much lol for not trashing her. I'm having a few anger issues to work through as we speak!). This would make me very angry and sad. And God bless I hope you have recovered and are well. One of the fundamental reasons we seek others is at least emotional comfort and support. Even as we seemed to be becoming more serious, I had serious doubts about her reliability. Even as she was explaining, in tears, her exes’ divorce and how she wasn’t completely over him yet, I sat there, calmly with all the tenderness I could muster, and explained how much I loved her and that she needed to resolve this issue, of which I can only assume her intent is to get back together with him rather than find closure. I didn’t see any reason to get angry or upset with her at that point--which she probably mistakes as lack of love or concern--because being angry wasn’t going to change what would happen after the conversation was over. She had already contacted him at that point. But to me that is what you do when we care about someone, you take care of them and you be there for them, no matter what. I am sure that means I am not alpha male and I have no game, but I don’t really care about such things at this point in my life. Probably to my detriment, lol. She once asked me why I treat her so nicely. That was a giant red flag, along with saying to me that she wasn’t good enough for me. But anyway, I told her it was because I loved her, and also that this is the way I wanted to be treated myself. Edited June 20, 2016 by tomatome Grammar 2
whatnot Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) I believe you're a better man than I am tom. I really do. You're a more spiritually advanced human being than I. I once asked my ex wife..."What do you think my family thinks of you?" And she replied, "I think they believe that I'll break your heart". I knew then that she would. Now THAT'S a LOL red flag! I married her anyway. Twice no less... Edited June 21, 2016 by whatnot
bummer Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 So why am I hesitating going NC? Am I masochist? Am I codependent and always want to be there no matter the cost? Am I holding hope against all odds? Do I just have no boundaries? I have my hand over the button, but just can't push it quite yet and don't know why. First, congrats on not shooting your foot by begging and pleading. I did, to grave detriment of any future reconciliation. You seem very rational about the entire ordeal which should serve you well. I'm sorry to hear your now ex had always left a part of her heart with someone else. Knowing abandonment and commitment issues were at play, I can relate. When the drug turns on you, you go cold turkey. It's the only way I knew of to stop hurting...You'll know when it's right. (It's no small thing...probably one of, if not the most, painful times of my life This from whatnot is key. You admit it never started well and she never seemed all in to you. The unhealthy boundaries and desire to fix and cure are products of this drug, this desire for reciprocated love from an objectively unavailable partner. I've broke NC a few times just to be slammed against the rocks a few more times finding out she's already seeing someone and let her drag me into the madness some more. I was addicted even though the drug had definitrly turned on me. Knowing now is the deepest bottom has given me the impetus to go cold turkey and stick to NC. Maybe you'll find NC harder because she'll keep you as back-up as hard as possible if divorced ex doesn't take her and keep her. Look forward to a rebound rebound if this rekindling with foreign man fails. Question is, are you willing to be second Prince forever or will you stay NC and move on once you decide the drug isn't right for you? 2
Author tomatome Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 This from whatnot is key. You admit it never started well and she never seemed all in to you. The unhealthy boundaries and desire to fix and cure are products of this drug, this desire for reciprocated love from an objectively unavailable partner. I've broke NC a few times just to be slammed against the rocks a few more times finding out she's already seeing someone and let her drag me into the madness some more. I was addicted even though the drug had definitely turned on me. Knowing now is the deepest bottom has given me the impetus to go cold turkey and stick to NC. That is a keen observation bummer and something that I sometimes forget about or may sometimes deliberately ignore. The way she acted at times, moving away if I get too close or moving closer if I get too far away, probably kept me in an emotional state of frenzy; mixing my own insecurity with heightened desire. Early on in our relationship I kept my distance because of this inconsistency and recently she hadn’t been doing this. I once asked her directly about why she was so inconsistent and she said she wasn’t being inconsistent at all. If you have to ask, I suppose.
Author tomatome Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 First, congrats on not shooting your foot by begging and pleading. I did, to grave detriment of any future reconciliation. You seem very rational about the entire ordeal which should serve you well. I'm sorry to hear your now ex had always left a part of her heart with someone else. Knowing abandonment and commitment issues were at play, I can relate. Care to share your story a bit? No worries if you don't feel like it.
bummer Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 (edited) Well, childhood trauma and trust issues with early boyfriends made my ex very distant and difficult to pull in despite her initial interest because of fears of abandonment if she committed. As I was ready to settle down closer to her, she pulled up and threw the book at me to which I begged and pleaded myself into a deeper hole ending in her leaving me and finding someone else. It sucks to know her mind wasn't all there with me as I'm sure it's hard for you to cope with the same. "Mistaking insecurity for desire" as you wrote. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/580785-how-i-cope Edited June 22, 2016 by bummer
Author tomatome Posted June 22, 2016 Author Posted June 22, 2016 As I was ready to settle down closer to her, she pulled up and threw the book at me to which I begged and pleaded myself into a deeper hole ending in her leaving me and finding someone else. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/580785-how-i-cope Thanks for your story, I like the list of recovery tips in your thread. I'm not sure I can really say anything to help other than just forgive yourself for the begging and pleading. Whether you begged or pleaded or not would have had no bearing on the outcome, otherwise she would have been there in your corner fighting for you. That's why I didn't get angry with my ex; the battle was already lost, she had already contacted her ex and I doubt she would have made a move against me without having some assurance that it would work out for her. For you, there was likely never any hole to dig out of. And I think it is perfectly fine to recognize your feelings and express them (in other ways). I was quite angry with mine today, remembering that she had the gall to state rhetorically, "He got a divorce and didn't even tell me?," while sitting in my apartment. The more I think about it, the more I think I dodged a bullet. Certainly being here talking about it helps with the reflection even if it sometimes doesn't alleviate the suffering. 1
Author tomatome Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 I believe you're a better man than I am tom. I really do. You're a more spiritually advanced human being than I. I once asked my ex wife..."What do you think my family thinks of you?" And she replied, "I think they believe that I'll break your heart". I knew then that she would. Now THAT'S a LOL red flag! I married her anyway. Twice no less... I have been thinking a lot about your kind words this past week. Thanks for the kind sentiment, but as I am awake late at night not being to sleep because of her, I think that I am all too predictably human. Perhaps some of my calmness is simply because I have been in this situation before many years ago with someone different. But I don't know why I did what I did. I bound myself to someone who didn't really want to be with me but led me on, often with my consent, for her own devices, who probably kept me hidden from others she cared about, and then left when she felt like she didn't need me anymore. And all the warning signs were there, from my initial intuition that she would suddenly one day break my heart, to her sometimes sharp, condescension toward me as a partner. In some cases I even celebrated these warnings as if her continued presence was me beating the odds or that it somehow made us a funny, unique pair (a fantasy bond?). All the time and peace of mind I could have had if I had not ignored those signs. Put up with it for years, yet I still miss her greatly, have feelings of anger sometimes but never feelings of hate. If her ex hadn't divorced I might be hurtling toward marriage with this person, and probably some greater disaster involving a family that we would have created. Maybe as bummer has said, it was a drug and I was addicted and missing her is coming off the high of the relationship. I know why we wouldn't have worked, regardless of the role the ex might have played in the break up. I just want to know why I didn't stop this sooner. I wish you all the best.
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