LargoLagg Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Hey folks, This is my first thread so I will try to make it to the point. Let's review I have been dating this great woman for about 3 years now. Everything, as per usual, was great in the beginning. I'd say for the first 2 years they were magical. Great sex, fun times, and we were so in love. Things started to fade off earlier this year. Back in March we almost broke up and she gave me the "I'm scared", "I'm confused ","I don't know what I want" shpeel. But we talked about it and decided to work it out. That's usually a mistake. The best option is to take them at their word.She also admitted to me that she has a crush on another dude at work. "also" implies that it was part of the breakup/reconciliation discussion. Ignoring that was a huge error on your partI was shocked but played it cool and asked her questions and how she felt. Looking back in retrospect, I did drop the ball for a while and I stopped courting her, making her feel special, and our relationship felt kind of monotonous and complacent. I know, it happens to everyone. So I listened to some advice I heard online and simply started to date and court her again. Not sure where you got that advice, but I'm sure you can see that was the sh*ttiest advice you could have ever received. However, I think that you were probably only in the mood to hear that kind of advice. I hope it is a lesson learned.It seemed to work great because it SEEMED like her passion returned. She was affectionate, told me she missed me again etc. That is, until Friday evening. We were at the theatre and somehow the question of "are you happy"? came up. She became reserved and eventually told me nothing much has changed since March. That she is still confused. Again, I was shocked. It made me feel like all my efforts were in vain. I was almost ready to walk away right then.Strike two. Pay attention to this, because it is not atypical, and it might happen to you again.My curiosity got the best of me and I checked her Facebook messages when she was taking a shower. I found a convo between her and her friend from across the country where we were supposed to be moving to next month. (I'm going to school next year out there). One of the messages went as follows: "I swear every small hint of flirting he does makes me easily and quickly aroused. I've obsessed and fantasized about this man for almost 8 months. I feel like a ticking time bomb. So much sexual tension. It's f***Ed." Naturally, reading this about my girlfriend made my heart sink. I feel like trash. I didn't know her feelings were that intense. I don't even know how what to say to her. Should I tell her she needs time away from me to figure out her stuff? Or should I just end it? Stay and hope it goes away? Ffs. Any advice would help.Strike three. Pay attention to your gut when you don't want to believe what is right in front of your eyes. Do you have a friend in whom you can confide and discuss these kinds of things? You need one of those, because you are all too willing to ignore reality. Maybe no longer. I'm sorry this happened to you. It seems to happen to everyone at some point in their lives, if that makes you feel any better. It probably doesn't, but just know, it's not your fault. Next time, yeah maybe, but this time, no. Grieve your loss and move on. It's really all you can do.
TheTraveler Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Her son goes to school near here. For his sake, and his sake alone, I allowed her to stay till Saturday so she can take him. Then shes out. ASAP. I'm really not a negative person but I don't even feel like talking when she's in the room. Who cares. Kick her and her son out immediately. It's not your problem anymore 2
joseb Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 I'm sorry op. I remember your thread. I'm shocked you stayed with her so long after finding out all you did. It was only a matter of time. Next time don't follow that BS advice about "courting" your long time girlfriend. It never works. On the positive side, you found out she cheated so makes your decision a lot easier. If you hadn't you may have been stuck in a mediocre relationship for a long time. 1
phineas Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 UPDATE: She slept with the dude a few months ago. She confessed on Monday. Our relationship is over and she is moving out next week. I can't even stand to look at her now. I feel sick to my stomach. Thanks for all your feedback folks. I am gonna move on and find a real woman who will cherish me and respect me. sorry man. I am not surprised though because i've been through this before also. Next time you will know to just walk away when this happens. Next time when you are bending over backwards to please a woman and make her happy while she acts distant you'll stop and say "WTF is she doing for me?" realize nothing and drop her. 3
Saracena Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Sorry to hear this OP. So you all moved away together in the end? I'm interested to hear how this came to light.
Inci Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Her son goes to school near here. For his sake, and his sake alone, I allowed her to stay till Saturday so she can take him. Then shes out. ASAP. I'm really not a negative person but I don't even feel like talking when she's in the room. A lot of people will give me hell over this comment but what the heck: be very careful when you date single mothers. She obviously needed you for stability, if you have the tendency to have difficulties letting go, try single women with an independent streak. At least they will leave before it all turns nasty like this.
kgcolonel Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Did she confess or did you have to find out some other way....? Was she remorseful or looking to start a R with the OM? Just curious as to her demeanor on the cheating. Hope the move out goes peacefully.
jphcbpa Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Sorry for your pain and please know there was nothing you could do about this. It is on her, not you. Please do not beat yourself up with would have's could have's should have's. Lesson learned for me was 3 years ago around this same time I got the "confused" and "i get close to you and pull away...I'm afraid" talk. 2 weeks later it was over...2 days before Christmas. "confused" means they are checked out and half way out the door probably for months. Best wishes and be gentle on yourself during the holiday season. You are a good person and have gone above and beyond your call of duty regarding her son. Fast forward to now and I am happy AF with a woman who is fully present for me on all levels. Living a dream with the woman of my dreams. I am grateful for all of it.
DKT3 Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 I think you're being far more noble then you have to be. Curious, what is she doing? Is she trying to change your mind or just going along? 1
Mystique01 Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 UPDATE: She slept with the dude a few months ago. She confessed on Monday. Our relationship is over and she is moving out next week. I can't even stand to look at her now. I feel sick to my stomach. Thanks for all your feedback folks. I am gonna move on and find a real woman who will cherish me and respect me. Wow..... So sorry to hear about that. I kind of had a feeling when she mentioned how "confused" she was and how she wasn't "sure" about the relationship anymore. Usually even when you have a crush on someone, you don't just throw away a long-term bf over some dude you have a crush on..UNLESS......you two have slept together already, or you and him have been emotionally involved in some way. Which, in that case, MANY boundaries have already been crossed LONG time ago. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but you're doing the right thing. I'm just shocked she could pretend for so long like that. Smh...... She should have just been upfront and honest with you and broke things off with you when she could see that things with the coworker were crossing the line. Don't worry, you'll find a woman who actually deserves you in the future.
Author BigShel Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 I'm sorry op. I remember your thread. I'm shocked you stayed with her so long after finding out all you did. It was only a matter of time. Next time don't follow that BS advice about "courting" your long time girlfriend. It never works. On the positive side, you found out she cheated so makes your decision a lot easier. If you hadn't you may have been stuck in a mediocre relationship for a long time. To be honest our relationship has been great for the most part since we moved. A lot of adventure and affection. Tons of laughs etc. I told her she is a good actor cause she has been harboring these feelings for the entire time. She just randomly mentioned she slept with that dude one day after work. She said the guilt was just too much to handle. I was shocked. But I kept my cool. Can't wait till she's out. Although I will be quite lonely at home for a while now.
Author BigShel Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 Wow..... So sorry to hear about that. I kind of had a feeling when she mentioned how "confused" she was and how she wasn't "sure" about the relationship anymore. Usually even when you have a crush on someone, you don't just throw away a long-term bf over some dude you have a crush on..UNLESS......you two have slept together already, or you and him have been emotionally involved in some way. Which, in that case, MANY boundaries have already been crossed LONG time ago. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but you're doing the right thing. I'm just shocked she could pretend for so long like that. Smh...... She should have just been upfront and honest with you and broke things off with you when she could see that things with the coworker were crossing the line. Don't worry, you'll find a woman who actually deserves you in the future. I am confident I will. Thanks for the kind words. I know my worth. I'm just a little bitter right now and can't stop thinking about the good times we had. You know..the usual post breakup stuff.
Author BigShel Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 I think you're being far more noble then you have to be. Curious, what is she doing? Is she trying to change your mind or just going along? She's not trying to change my mind. She's not that kind of person. I'm pretty sure she wont try to get me back. To be honest, it's almost like she has no regret. Which makes it hurt more. Part of me wants to powerbomb her through a glass table. The other part just wants to smile as if to say "what goes around comes around". I know she will get what's coming to her.
Author BigShel Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 Did she confess or did you have to find out some other way....? Was she remorseful or looking to start a R with the OM? Just curious as to her demeanor on the cheating. Hope the move out goes peacefully. She confessed to me. But 5 months later and AFTER we moved from central Canada to the west coast together. I thought everything was great cause she started acting like she was in the beginning. Very much into me, always laughing, having fun etc. She was kind of remorseful. She cried. But she has a hard time letting all her feelings go. She's just like that. So I know she wasn't being completely authentic.
kgcolonel Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 She confessed to me. But 5 months later and AFTER we moved from central Canada to the west coast together. I thought everything was great cause she started acting like she was in the beginning. Very much into me, always laughing, having fun etc. She was kind of remorseful. She cried. But she has a hard time letting all her feelings go. She's just like that. So I know she wasn't being completely authentic. Did she sleep with him on the West Coast after your move or before....is she still in contact and planning on being with him? Just crazy how one can do this and where the mindset is. Sounds as though she was not that attached to you or the relationship with you to take the "not completely authentic" attitude....sorry dude!
kendahke Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Who cares. Kick her and her son out immediately. It's not your problem anymore Don't punish the child for what his mother did. He had nothing to do with it.
Author BigShel Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 Did she sleep with him on the West Coast after your move or before....is she still in contact and planning on being with him? Just crazy how one can do this and where the mindset is. Sounds as though she was not that attached to you or the relationship with you to take the "not completely authentic" attitude....sorry dude! Literally one day before we moved. She said "she needed to know what it meant". She also lied to me because we were supposed to fly our cat in from where we moved from. She told me that her cousin brought the cat to town, but turns out it was this guy. So they must be close. It makes me mad thinking about it. I can only imagine the conversations they have behind my back.
Mystique01 Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 She's not trying to change my mind. She's not that kind of person. I'm pretty sure she wont try to get me back. To be honest, it's almost like she has no regret. Which makes it hurt more. Part of me wants to powerbomb her through a glass table. The other part just wants to smile as if to say "what goes around comes around". I know she will get what's coming to her. Oh believe me....this won't end pretty for her..... Idk if that's any consolation, but, usually relationships that start with one party cheating on the other, don't typically end up being the best relationships. In fact, in many cases, they don't usually last long. The fact that this guy slept with her when he knowingly knew she had a bf already tells me what type of guy he is smh... If she does end up pursuing something with him, it will NOT end well believe me. I highly doubt it. She's throwing away a relationship she's been in for years due to lust. Smh.... It's obvious it's all about lust and sexual tension. When he's bored with sleeping with her, he will eventually drop her.... I don't think any upstanding relationship begins on such a sour note.... 2
TheTraveler Posted December 16, 2016 Posted December 16, 2016 Don't punish the child for what his mother did. He had nothing to do with it. Get real :rolls eyes: She can go stay with family, friends, the guy she screwed around with, hotel/motel, airbnb, whatever 4
Joga_31 Posted December 16, 2016 Posted December 16, 2016 sorry to read about this, just try to do things that make you happy and enjoy the single life for awhile and then when healed back into a relationship.
Joga_31 Posted December 16, 2016 Posted December 16, 2016 Oh believe me....this won't end pretty for her..... Idk if that's any consolation, but, usually relationships that start with one party cheating on the other, don't typically end up being the best relationships. In fact, in many cases, they don't usually last long. The fact that this guy slept with her when he knowingly knew she had a bf already tells me what type of guy he is smh... If she does end up pursuing something with him, it will NOT end well believe me. I highly doubt it. She's throwing away a relationship she's been in for years due to lust. Smh.... It's obvious it's all about lust and sexual tension. When he's bored with sleeping with her, he will eventually drop her.... I don't think any upstanding relationship begins on such a sour note.... I think you are right, must be tough for OP. =(
phineas Posted December 16, 2016 Posted December 16, 2016 Don't punish the child for what his mother did. He had nothing to do with it. Get real :rolls eyes: She can go stay with family, friends, the guy she screwed around with, hotel/motel, airbnb, whatever have to agree with traveler. What did she think was going to happen when she cheated then confessed? most likely she confessed not because of guilt but because she needed a way to end it so she could be with the new guy. 1
Saracena Posted December 16, 2016 Posted December 16, 2016 have to agree with traveler. What did she think was going to happen when she cheated then confessed? most likely she confessed not because of guilt but because she needed a way to end it so she could be with the new guy. Sounds to me he's not all that interested, if he were she'd be long gone!
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