Author BigShel Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Well I don't agree courting is only in the beginning. It's supposed to be ongoing forever. I agree that I shouldn't be the only one doing it. But I agree...if the continues to not reciprocate, I will communicate my needs, and If she doesn't reciprocate still, I'm out. My time is valuable, and if she doesn't want to make me feel loved, then time to find someone who does. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Well she admitted the crush on another guy to me. But it's getting to the point now where I'm not gonna tolerate sharing her emotionally with another dude. I will give it some more time, see how it plays out. Maybe a couple weeks. Then end it of nothing changes. But I'm gonna communicate my needs to her and tell her that this situation doesn't work for me. Ask yourself this.If you told her that there was another woman that caught your interest, do you think she would just sit around and wait for you to make up your mind? You know her better then us and I'll bet that the answer is she wouldn't put up with it. Your playing second fiddle to her now. Be careful or you'll be third or fourth fiddle waiting. 1
joseb Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Well I don't agree courting is only in the beginning. It's supposed to be ongoing forever. I agree that I shouldn't be the only one doing it. But I agree...if the continues to not reciprocate, I will communicate my needs, and If she doesn't reciprocate still, I'm out. My time is valuable, and if she doesn't want to make me feel loved, then time to find someone who does. No, it's supposed to be in the early stages when you are deciding if this is someone you want to get into a relationship with or not. This doesn't mean that you let yourself go, and that you stop doing loving things, go out to dinner, have a lot of fun, etc, but frankly, I'm not going to go through courtship hoops with someone I'm supposed to be in a committed relationship with. It would be exhausting. Did you ever complete something, only to lose it (e.g. didn't save file) and have to redo it all over again? It's a soul destroying feeling. This to me is what courting someone I'm supposed to be in love with would feel like. 1
Jabron1 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 This doesn't mean that you let yourself go, and that you stop doing loving things, go out to dinner, have a lot of fun, etc, but frankly, I'm not going to go through courtship hoops with someone I'm supposed to be in a committed relationship with. It would be exhausting. In other words, you expect a certain amount of security. Completely normal in my opinion. What's the point in a serious relationship otherwise? Did you ever complete something, only to lose it (e.g. didn't save file) and have to redo it all over again? It's a soul destroying feeling. This to me is what courting someone I'm supposed to be in love with would feel like. I liken it to pushing a boulder up a hill. That's what dealing with a low-interest woman feels like. If you're getting that feeling in a long-term relationship, you really need to have a good think about where you're at. It can mean the end of the good times. I'd be moving on in your case, OP.
JS84 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 You need to bail. Sitting on your hands for 2 weeks isn't going to make things magically better. And her son is 6. Leave now and he'll barely remember you by the time he's 11. Your girlfriend is basically into another guy, and moving across the country isn't going to solve your problem either. Because eventually it will just be some other guy who tickles her fancy. Not sure about the details of this cross country move going on with you guys but you may want to reconsider it. 6
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 You need to bail. Sitting on your hands for 2 weeks isn't going to make things magically better. And her son is 6. Leave now and he'll barely remember you by the time he's 11. Your girlfriend is basically into another guy, and moving across the country isn't going to solve your problem either. Because eventually it will just be some other guy who tickles her fancy. Not sure about the details of this cross country move going on with you guys but you may want to reconsider it. This. You have a problem in your relationship that goes beyond this particular guy. 1
elaine567 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 If she has a huge attraction for this guy and it sounds like she does, then there is little you can do. YOU have given it your best shot and she is still "confused". Time to make her less confused by removing yourself from her life. Not by a "break", as that will just give her an excuse to sleep with him and try him out, as she still has you waiting the wings, but by splitting up all together. Relationships are difficult enough, but when there is another person in the mix, they are impossible. She just doesn't have the courage to break up with you and go pursue this other guy, yet... YOU need a woman who is all in with you, not one who is getting all hot and steamy over someone else. 3
CupCakess Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) Break up with her, and let her *try* to be with her crush. Most likely, her "fantasy" won't be what she expects. A friend of mine, female friend, was in a similar situation. Her boyfriend of 4 years found out about her emotional affair and dumped her. Once she was free, she went ahead to be with her crush, the guy she was "in love". As it usually turns out, the other guy just wanted to nail her, and didn't want a relationship with her. He was targeting her because she was in a relationship already. They ended up sort of dating...like 3 or 4 months until both got bored and discovered they were not compatible. You should break up with her for the reasons everyone else has stated. But this reason can also help make up your mind. Maybe she will be happier with her new guy, maybe not. But don't stay with her only to find out later. Decide for yourself, and let her face the consequences (either good or bad). By dumping her, you are removing her power to choose. And *cheaters* should never be allowed to have the option of choosing. Edited June 21, 2016 by CupCakess 10
Erik30 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I think this happens a lot when people break up, and then the dumpee is all like "I can't believe he/she is over it already and dating someone else so soon." It's because they were emotionally cheating and preparing to dump the other person for awhile. The only difference here is that you caught her. 2
duncsvoice Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I met my then fiance out for drinks one evening, and spotted her texting her colleague some good news before telling me. I challenged her on it, she fancied him. We've been broken up for 6 months now. Get out. 2
PogoStick Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I liken it to pushing a boulder up a hill. That's what dealing with a low-interest woman feels like. I like that analogy. And the second the guy quits validating her and doing all the work, she bails and finds a new sap she can take advantage of. It's how teenage girls viewed relationships. Buy me flowers, and a ring, and do something romantic. Me me me! And teenage guys are too dumb to know any better. 3
kendahke Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) I'm not gonna tolerate sharing her emotionally with another dude. that's exactly what you're doing, as you say in your very next sentence: I will give it some more time, see how it plays out. Maybe a couple weeks. That's the definition of tolerating sharing her with another dude. It's going to play out with her thinking that you don't mind, so she will take it further with this guy until something happens that she has to come crying to you, telling you, yet again, how confused she is and how much she loves you, but she doesn't know why she ended up having sex with him--that she drank too much and didn't know what she was doing, blah blah effin' blah. If you had a nail run through your foot, would you walk around a few more weeks and see if the nail will fall out of his own accord or would you go to the emergency room to have it removed and get a tetanus shot? Listen I appreciate that you feel there is something worthwhile about this chick that you don't want to cut her off, but what you are teaching her is that she can do this to you plus have the expectation that you will not only tolerate it, but you will not exact any penalties for her behavior, either. If she's developing feelings for a guy who is developing feelings for her, then she needs to make a choice, but that choice does not come at the cost of you devaluing your self worth. Edited June 21, 2016 by kendahke 5
Justanaverageguy Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) The courtship never ends. As a man I am the leader in the relationship. That doesn't mean I'm a pussy romantic and she never takes responsibility for this relationship. But women need to feel loved. But my situation is completely beyond that right now. I kept courting her and she still has feelings for this guy. Buddy tough situation but the worst thing you can do right now is start courting her and being overly thoughtful an attentive and trying to make her feel special. This is the fast track to ending your relationship. This is something you should do in a normal healthy relationship - Not - I repeat NOT - when you girl friend has been giving you the I'm confused speal and you find out she wants to bang some other dude. You being overly attentive is not warranted because she is not really respecting you and is taking you for granted. A lot of guys in this position turn into little bitches and try and cling on for dear life or make massive consesions to give her space while you wait twiddling your thumbs to figure out what she wants. It makes them look weak and pathetic which is no way to get a woman attracted again. You don't have to take my advice but if you actually want to try to keep her you need to show her you are not to be taken for granted and not a backup option. Drop the hammer on her - tell her you've felt like she has been cold and distant and taking you for granted. You read her message because of how she was behaving and you don't want to be with a woman who is getting her jollys fantacizing about another guy. Tell her it's over and you deserve better. Be direct and assertive but not angry and emotional. Then watch her head spin round on her shoulders when she realizes you have found your balls again and can't be taken for granted. Women like strong men who have high standards - at the moment you are letting her walk all over you and talking about courting her to say thank you. Start acting like a man and quite often the girl will swiftly change her mind and decide she wants to stay. You said a man is supposed to be the leader in the relationship - so start acting like one. Edited June 21, 2016 by Justanaverageguy 3
Author BigShel Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Thanks for the input folks. I'm gonna take all this into consideration and make my move soon. Will post updates.
stillafool Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 Moving across country is not going to remove him from her heart. She will still stay in touch and find a way to be with him if he wants her. 1
LoveIsMyReligion Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 Confused? Any man with options would drop this girl and move on. If you have any self respect you would give her all the space in the world and leave her the hell alone. People these days have too many options. They find an awesome man or girl and when the honey moon fades they look for that next thrill ride. Nothing you do will change her mind. Grow a pair. We come into this world alone and everyone dies alone. Don't depend on others to bring you happiness. Talking about this to her will only make you look weak and cowardly. 2
Author BigShel Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 UPDATE: She slept with the dude a few months ago. She confessed on Monday. Our relationship is over and she is moving out next week. I can't even stand to look at her now. I feel sick to my stomach. Thanks for all your feedback folks. I am gonna move on and find a real woman who will cherish me and respect me. 2
OnlyHonesty Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 UPDATE: She slept with the dude a few months ago. She confessed on Monday. Our relationship is over and she is moving out next week. I can't even stand to look at her now. I feel sick to my stomach. Thanks for all your feedback folks. I am gonna move on and find a real woman who will cherish me and respect me. Sorry to hear that. You should get yourself checked out, nothing is more important than your health! 3
Author BigShel Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 (edited) Sorry to hear that. You should get yourself checked out, nothing is more important than your health! Thanks for the concern. I appreciate it. I really tried. ****ty thing is, We still live together for a week till she moves out. It's so awkward. I don't really know if I should be an ass. Ignore her. Be nice to her or whatever. Edited December 15, 2016 by BigShel
TheTraveler Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Thanks for the concern. I appreciate it. I really tried. ****ty thing is, We still live together for a week till she moves out. It's so awkward. I don't really know if I should be an ass. Ignore her. Be nice to her or whatever. Ignore her. And if you do talk to her, tell her you will help pack her bags if it gets her out sooner 2
Marc878 Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Hard 180 then after she's out block everything. Never look back You would have had more pain if you stuck with her. 1
Author BigShel Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 Ignore her. And if you do talk to her, tell her you will help pack her bags if it gets her out sooner Her son goes to school near here. For his sake, and his sake alone, I allowed her to stay till Saturday so she can take him. Then shes out. ASAP. I'm really not a negative person but I don't even feel like talking when she's in the room. 2
lovechunker Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 I agree with a lot of what others said. Chicks say that when they want to break up. It's basically here saying, "I dare you to break up with me." Trust me. It's not easy but you're only option is to leave her and mentally prepare yourself for a life without her. The only chance of a future with her is to turn the tables on her and say, "ya know, I've been thinking and I'm just not sure I'm happy in this relationship." or something to that effect. Basically, you have to turn the tables on her. From my point of view, (and honestly this depends on her age as well, but sounds like you two are fairly young) she's not marriage material yet. But if you say to her what i just told you, it will put her on the defensive and get her questioning if it's her or you. she is basically putting you in a position to salvage the relationship yourself. If you dote over her, she will become less attracted to you and you're relationship will be worse. Not all women are like her. She sounds like an emotionally unstable person who needs someone at all times. Basically, she can't be alone. If you aren't giving her what she needs she will seek it elsewhere. Some women (men too) think it's perfectly acceptable to be in relationship limbo with one while flirting with others. If i were your best friend, I'd say "listen bro, I know this girl means a lot to you, but she isn't worth it. Any girl that is willing to go behind your back is not marriage material. There's 7 billion people in this world and about half are chicks. Pick your sack up, pursue your dreams, and find someone wants you. Honestly, as a guy, all you have to do, is find a woman that is attracted to you, is a decent person, and shares common interests and you will be happy AF.........to sum up.....(NEXT!) Peace out (Y)
bachdude Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 UPDATE: She slept with the dude a few months ago. She confessed on Monday. Our relationship is over and she is moving out next week. I can't even stand to look at her now. I feel sick to my stomach. Thanks for all your feedback folks. I am gonna move on and find a real woman who will cherish me and respect me. Just read the thread for the first time. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. And I can tell you're a really decent, honorable guy too.
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