BigShel Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Hey folks, This is my first thread so I will try to make it to the point. I have been dating this great woman for about 3 years now. Everything, as per usual, was great in the beginning. I'd say for the first 2 years they were magical. Great sex, fun times, and we were so in love. Things started to fade off earlier this year. Back in March we almost broke up and she gave me the "I'm scared", "I'm confused ","I don't know what I want" shpeel. But we talked about it and decided to work it out. She also admitted to me that she has a crush on another dude at work. I was shocked but played it cool and asked her questions and how she felt. Looking back in retrospect, I did drop the ball for a while and I stopped courting her, making her feel special, and our relationship felt kind of monotonous and complacent. I know, it happens to everyone. So I listened to some advice I heard online and simply started to date and court her again. It seemed to work great because it SEEMED like her passion returned. She was affectionate, told me she missed me again etc. That is, until Friday evening. We were at the theatre and somehow the question of "are you happy"? came up. She became reserved and eventually told me nothing much has changed since March. That she is still confused. Again, I was shocked. It made me feel like all my efforts were in vain. I was almost ready to walk away right then. My curiosity got the best of me and I checked her Facebook messages when she was taking a shower. I found a convo between her and her friend from across the country where we were supposed to be moving to next month. (I'm going to school next year out there). One of the messages went as follows: "I swear every small hint of flirting he does makes me easily and quickly aroused. I've obsessed and fantasized about this man for almost 8 months. I feel like a ticking time bomb. So much sexual tension. It's f***Ed." Naturally, reading this about my girlfriend made my heart sink. I feel like trash. I didn't know her feelings were that intense. I don't even know how what to say to her. Should I tell her she needs time away from me to figure out her stuff? Or should I just end it? Stay and hope it goes away? Ffs. Any advice would help.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 End it. She is staying with you to simply not be alone. If and when this guy makes a move on her you'll be history in a split second. She is not in love with you anymore. She may be attached to you, but certainly not in love anymore. I would not even have a conversation about this. I would simply say it's best for the both of you to part ways and separate in peacefully. 21
joseb Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 OP, I'm sorry, this does sound bad. I think your relationship has just run it's course. I think the best thing to do for both of you is call it quits. 3
frus69 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 How is this not a deal breaker for you? Come on... Be a man and walk 10
bubbaganoosh Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 If it was me, I would tell her that I checked her phone, saw the text and tell her to get the hell out of your life because your not going to sit around and wait for her to unconfuse herself. Don't make a fool out yourself by waiting for her to come around. Not worth it. 7
coolheadal Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Wow you found out in heart beat quick about this girl and her intentions doesn't include you. She's just using you and for now. Time to let her go and you find someone who's excited to be around you when your around them and loves you so much. That's how it suppose to be not this one she's not in it for you! She's in it for the other guy!
longjohn Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Hate to say it but I think I too was the star of this story at one point. Take my ex wife, then wife. Well turns out she had a "crush" on a guy from work too. I found out about the crush part after I found out about the her banging him part. She'd moved on and didn't, couldn't, wouldn't tell me. My advise is move along she's not interested anymore. Anyway think I read somewhere that 2 years is the average shelf life of a relationship. 1
Author BigShel Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 Should I tell her I snooped? I guess if I broke up with her it wouldn't even matter. I don't usually snoop, but I couldn't help it.
smackie9 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 She confessed how she feels about this guy....she is not in love with him, she is sexually stimulated by him, which happens to people. She hasn't acted on it, she is at war with it. I believe she does love you, but this guy's orbit is overwhelming her. She not the first one....we have had many threads about how people are dealing with lust for someone else while they still very much love their SO. I feel for you because you want to approach her without being a retard about it because you do love her. How disheartening for you. You are going to have to just come forward with the info you have, admit you snooped, and take it from there. Maybe she needs a reality check that your relationship has run it's course and as painful as it is, it's time to part ways. 1
Author BigShel Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 She confessed how she feels about this guy....she is not in love with him, she is sexually stimulated by him, which happens to people. She hasn't acted on it, she is at war with it. I believe she does love you, but this guy's orbit is overwhelming her. She not the first one....we have had many threads about how people are dealing with lust for someone else while they still very much love their SO. I feel for you because you want to approach her without being a retard about it because you do love her. How disheartening for you. You are going to have to just come forward with the info you have, admit you snooped, and take it from there. Maybe she needs a reality check that your relationship has run it's course and as painful as it is, it's time to part ways. I have wrestled with that thought for a while. Thing is, she still tells me she loves me but she acts distant at times and it's hard to read her. I think your response was what rings the most true.
4x4storm Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I've had the whole "i'm scared" "I'm confused" act done to me and the relationship ended 2 weeks later. I don't have enough experience to know if you can bounce back from something like that :/. But just going by those messages I already tell if that guy made a move on your girlfriend it's all over. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I have wrestled with that thought for a while. Thing is, she still tells me she loves me but she acts distant at times and it's hard to read her. I think your response was what rings the most true. Friend if she's really in love with you then she wouldn't be crushing on some other guy. If she's distant it's because she's not all in with you so lay your cards on the table, let her know what you know and either fix it somehow or move on. Turn the tables and ask yourself if she wouldn't do the same to you if she knew you had a crush on another woman? No doubt she would have thrown everything at you including the kitchen sink. 2
joseb Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I have wrestled with that thought for a while. Thing is, she still tells me she loves me but she acts distant at times and it's hard to read her. I think your response was what rings the most true. Talk is cheap. ILY is easy to say when it becomes a habit. And maybe she does love you. I just don't think she is still In Love with you. If this were a marriage with kids, I'd say go to counselling, she hasn't cheated (yet) anyway. Personally, in your situation, I would have no real hesitation calling it quits. I wouldn't want to try to salvage from that position. What do You want to do? 1
Beach Guy Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Don't mention what you read. That was her private message, not meant for you. You bringing it up will only make matters worse. Handle it well. Three years is a long relationship and deserves careful consideration. Where you go from here is happiness. Best wishes. 1
DKT3 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 You have the information you don't need to disclose what you know. You can easily approach it as being concerned because her behavior mirrors those that she had around the time of her confession. This will also allow you the chance to see if she will be honest with you. However attraction is normal and very healthy, being in a relationship doesn't mean you stop finding people attractive. She has been faithful to this point, but you had better step up and do something, I'm guessing this guy doesn't share her feelings, or isn't aware. The longer you wait around the closer she gets to the point of no return.
Author BigShel Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 You have the information you don't need to disclose what you know. You can easily approach it as being concerned because her behavior mirrors those that she had around the time of her confession. This will also allow you the chance to see if she will be honest with you. However attraction is normal and very healthy, being in a relationship doesn't mean you stop finding people attractive. She has been faithful to this point, but you had better step up and do something, I'm guessing this guy doesn't share her feelings, or isn't aware. The longer you wait around the closer she gets to the point of no return. That's the thing. The guy is into my girl too. He hasn't made a move yet though. I'm pretty sure he knows she's with me too.
stillafool Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 If she's lusting for him and he's lusting after her it's only a matter of time. Get out now. 1
Author BigShel Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 Talk is cheap. ILY is easy to say when it becomes a habit. And maybe she does love you. I just don't think she is still In Love with you. If this were a marriage with kids, I'd say go to counselling, she hasn't cheated (yet) anyway. Personally, in your situation, I would have no real hesitation calling it quits. I wouldn't want to try to salvage from that position. What do You want to do? What do I want to do? My first thought was to straight out tell her we need some time apart so she can deal with her emotions for this guy. I read somewhere that time apart would help her miss me and possibly reignite things. The thing is, we are moving across the country in 3 weeks! Plus.. I've grown really attached to her son. I'm like a father figure to him. She told me a fear of hers is him getting too close to me and the relationship ending. It would confuse the poor child (he's only 6). When we move, that other guy would be out of the picture. But what if this happens again with another guy?
PogoStick Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 End it. And why is it only your job to keep courting her? I hate that mindset. You have to do bull**** romantic movie gestures for the rest of your life or the girl gets bored and leaves? Fk any girl who expects such things. The woman holds equal responsibility in keeping a relationship alive. 6
Author BigShel Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 The courtship never ends. As a man I am the leader in the relationship. That doesn't mean I'm a pussy romantic and she never takes responsibility for this relationship. But women need to feel loved. But my situation is completely beyond that right now. I kept courting her and she still has feelings for this guy. 1
benmac360 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 The courtship never ends. As a man I am the leader in the relationship. That doesn't mean I'm a pussy romantic and she never takes responsibility for this relationship. But women need to feel loved. But my situation is completely beyond that right now. I kept courting her and she still has feelings for this guy. But what is she doing to court you, make you feel loved, desired and appreciated? It goes both ways. From what I have read so far there is nothing that ties you to her like marriage, children, a business relationship, etc. other than your feelings, so once she told me she was "confused", had a crush on another man and I then I saw what she wrote to her friend, that would tell me shes not interested anymore and its time to end the relationship. 1
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 What do I want to do? My first thought was to straight out tell her we need some time apart so she can deal with her emotions for this guy. I read somewhere that time apart would help her miss me and possibly reignite things. The thing is, we are moving across the country in 3 weeks! Plus.. I've grown really attached to her son. I'm like a father figure to him. She told me a fear of hers is him getting too close to me and the relationship ending. It would confuse the poor child (he's only 6). When we move, that other guy would be out of the picture. But what if this happens again with another guy? hon, it's very sad for the little boy and you but you will both be fine. She tells you she loves you out of habits. If she feels this strongly about this man it's because her heart was free to be attracted elsewhere. Once you move away yes this guy won't be in the picture anymore but it will be a matter of time before she crosses another man that makes her tingle down there. 2
kendahke Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) in my experience, the minute the words "I'm confused" comes up, that means there's someone else in the picture. If you love someone, there's nothing to be confused about--that's not the nature of love. Confusion comes when you've given away too much real estate in your head to someone else you know doesn't belong there. Then "I love you" accompanied by distancing means "I want to keep you around just in case this other guy/girl doesn't work out". A person who is clear isn't confused... a person being double-minded usually is. Edited June 20, 2016 by kendahke 7
Author BigShel Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 Well she admitted the crush on another guy to me. But it's getting to the point now where I'm not gonna tolerate sharing her emotionally with another dude. I will give it some more time, see how it plays out. Maybe a couple weeks. Then end it of nothing changes. But I'm gonna communicate my needs to her and tell her that this situation doesn't work for me.
joseb Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 End it. And why is it only your job to keep courting her? I hate that mindset. You have to do bull**** romantic movie gestures for the rest of your life or the girl gets bored and leaves? Fk any girl who expects such things. The woman holds equal responsibility in keeping a relationship alive. Thanks. I'm pretty sick of reading how it's always the guy who need to "court" and make her feel loved. As if she had no responsibility whatsoever in the relationship. Courting is the period of chasing that guys have to do to initiate a relationship. If you need to resort to courting, then it should be with a new girl. OP, the attachment to the little boy is just attachment, it's sad but he will be ok and it's much easier leaving now then in a year or two. So think hard. Do you really want to go around feeling like her helper/babysitter while she "confusingly" lusts after other guys? 4
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