Gaeta Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I"m in my mid 50's now. How many years ago you dated and exclusivity did not need to be discussed?
kendahke Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 How many years ago you dated and exclusivity did not need to be discussed? 2 years ago when I started getting back into the dating scene 5 years after a bad breakup of a 13 year relationship. Yes, with that 13 year relationship, we did discuss exclusivity--fat lot of good that did me in the end with him. The two most recent men I've been involved with, when it looked like it was headed in that direction, I said "are we exclusive then?" and each of them said "yes"... in fact, with the guy I'm with now, he was the one who asked first. That was pretty much it.
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Absolutely not, I see it as a no BS kind of guy. Absolutely agree! To me, it shows strength and confidence. My ex (the one I had sex with the first night we met) locked me down on our second date. Asked me if I was a multi-dater or one-at-a-time. I told him one-at-a-time, and he told me, with me, he wanted that too and we were exclusive from that night on.... We did NOT meet on line though, and he wasn't big on meeting women on line, so never had to worry about that. That was many years ago though... times have changed. Everyone seems to be meeting on line nowadays.... and I think dating has changed a bit because of this... 2
joseb Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Ok G yes if a woman has any doubts they should bring up the talk... But me... maybe I'm weird... I have never had to have that talk. The women I wanted to "pursue" I guess I exhibited my intent via my actions. Maybe also I'm kinda laid back, not particularly engaging to people I don't know or like. I read people very well and I can't fake being interested in someone. I don't know if this is generational... age related in terms of how people see this. But yes women need to be extra careful. I'm wondering if a guy brings up the exclusivity talk is he being needy? I too have never had the exclusivity talk. Never felt the need. Actually I never even heard of it until loveshack, I knew at a certain point in any reasonably serious relationship that it wasn't an issue. But my last serious relationship started 5 years ago, so maybe the world has changed a lot since then. Regarding the online stuff, everyone seems to be missing the big glaring fact that the OP is on their "checking" as much as he is. Unless I missed something, as far as I am concerned, they are equal in that respect.
Jabron1 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 There was nothing wrong in having the exclusivity talk before sex. You did it right. The next thing to do is : next time you're together tell him * Now that we are exclusive we will delete our profiles and get on the pc and delete those profile together. Don't let him fool you or don't be afraid to scared him away. If he likes you he won't run away because you're showing boundaries. If he does not agree to delete the profile then drop him back in the pound and go catch a better fish. This heavy handed approach would piss me right off - even if I was interested in an exclusive relationship. You act like that, and all you'll be doing is filtering for a browbeaten wuss. 2
Jabron1 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I too have never had the exclusivity talk. Never felt the need. Actually I never even heard of it until loveshack, I knew at a certain point in any reasonably serious relationship that it wasn't an issue. You've had "the talk", alright. You just probably didn't realise that was what it was. Guys seem to think the talk is some kind of long drawn out discussion - perhaps with a written contract to be signed One "talk" I got was as simple as "are we girlfriend/boyfriend now?" after sex. It fulfills a woman's need for security. But it's completely on her terms. It all depends on her own needs. Any guy initiating "the talk" is a wuss. The thought is repulsive. It's a woman's job IMO.
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) I too have never had the exclusivity talk. Never felt the need. Actually I never even heard of it until loveshack, I knew at a certain point in any reasonably serious relationship that it wasn't an issue. But my last serious relationship started 5 years ago, so maybe the world has changed a lot since then. Regarding the online stuff, everyone seems to be missing the big glaring fact that the OP is on their "checking" as much as he is. Unless I missed something, as far as I am concerned, they are equal in that respect. She wasn't on there skulking around for other men.... she is insecure and uncertain about where she stands so was checking to see if he was on line skulking around for other chicks. Not suggesting it was right... but it was different from what he was doing. I highly doubt he would have been on there checking on her when she wasn't even two minutes out the door... That said, perhaps she should talk to him before she just ends it. It doesn't look good but maybe he was just browsing out of curiosity or rec'd a message. I dunno... tough call. Edited June 21, 2016 by katiegrl
joseb Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 She wasn't on there skulking around for other men.... she is insecure and uncertain about where she stands so was checking to see if he was on line skulking around for other chicks. I highly doubt he would have been on there checking on her when she wasn't even two minutes out the door... That said, perhaps she should talk to him before she just ends it. It doesn't look good but maybe he was just browsing out of curiosity or rec'd a message. I dunno... tough call. Ah I missed the bit about two minutes out the door. Maybe that is bad. Or maybe his phone buzzed with a message and he checked it then out of habit. All I'm saying is that they both still are online, and for all we know this guy is checking her to see if she is online. ( there is a guy posting here about that, maybe it's him!) We don't know anything for sure. 1
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 You've had "the talk", alright. You just probably didn't realise that was what it was. Guys seem to think the talk is some kind of long drawn out discussion - perhaps with a written contract to be signed One "talk" I got was as simple as "are we girlfriend/boyfriend now?" after sex. It fulfills a woman's need for security. But it's completely on her terms. It all depends on her own needs. Any guy initiating "the talk" is a wuss. The thought is repulsive. It's a woman's job IMO. The closest I ever came to having any sort of "talk" was this: Absolutely agree! To me, it shows strength and confidence. My ex (the one I had sex with the first night we met) locked me down on our second date. Asked me if I was a multi-dater or one-at-a-time. I told him one-at-a-time, and he told me, with me, he wanted that too and we were exclusive from that night on.... And OMG, my ex is just about the furthest thing from a wuss you'd ever see.... he's many other things, which is why we're no longer together, but definitely NOT a wuss! Him bringing it up actually increased my interest level! 1
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) Ah I missed the bit about two minutes out the door. Maybe that is bad. Or maybe his phone buzzed with a message and he checked it then out of habit. All I'm saying is that they both still are online, and for all we know this guy is checking her to see if she is online. ( there is a guy posting here about that, maybe it's him!) We don't know anything for sure. Normally I would agree, but in this particular case, again she wasn't two minutes out the door. Give her time to get home for pete's sake before you check on her activity.... Edited June 21, 2016 by katiegrl
Jabron1 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 The closest I ever came to having any sort of "talk" was this: And OMG, my ex is just about the furthest thing from a wuss you'd ever see.... he's many other things, which is why we're no longer together, but definitely NOT a wuss! Him bringing it up actually increased my interest level! You're an alien
Cinnamonstix Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 You've had "the talk", alright. You just probably didn't realise that was what it was. Guys seem to think the talk is some kind of long drawn out discussion - perhaps with a written contract to be signed One "talk" I got was as simple as "are we girlfriend/boyfriend now?" after sex. It fulfills a woman's need for security. But it's completely on her terms. It all depends on her own needs. Any guy initiating "the talk" is a wuss. The thought is repulsive. It's a woman's job IMO. Totally disagree. I thinks it's totally manly and attractive to go after (and clearly state) what you want. All my bf's have asked me to be theirs. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Exclusivity was always implied in any of my past serious relationships. There was a 100% certainty and no need for a talk. But none of relationships started online. In the tinder generation, I shudder to think about all the different stages you need to clear before even defining yourself as bf/gf. My sweet mum always thinks that if a guy asks me out on a date, he must be seriously interested at very least in being gf/bf. She is angry and puzzled when I tell her about the flaking or how he asked for a date on a specific day but failed to get back to me to set up the time/location, etc...She would always say stuff like: "but why would he ask you out if he is not interested?" or "this means that he picked you over girl A", I just say "no mum, this means he is dating us both". Ah I so wish I lived in those times.
Jabron1 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Totally disagree. I thinks it's totally manly and attractive to go after (and clearly state) what you want. All my bf's have asked me to be theirs. I've been a man for 29 years. How long have you been one?
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 You're an alien LOL... I know.... I call myself an anomaly, same thing I guess. In my other long term relationships, like joseb, I never felt the need for "the talk." We both just knew. This was before on line became so popular though.... so now I think I will talk about it... just to clarify we want the same things. Nothing heavy....
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I've been a man for 29 years. How long have you been one? I think it would behoove you to see it from the woman's perspective... since she is the one deciding whether or not she wants to date you... And many of us our saying that no we do not view a man bringing it up as a wuss.... just the opposite in fact. Learn from that.
Jabron1 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I think it would behoove you to see it from the woman's perspective... since she is the one deciding whether or not she wants to date you... And many of us our saying that no we do not view a man bringing it up as a wuss.... just the opposite in fact. Learn from that. Alright, I'll play. I am ultimately "the decider". Might surprise you that She desperately wants exclusivity. The guy hasn't brought it up I'm telling you from a man's perspective. Bringing up exclusivity is a wuss move. It means you aren't where you should be. You should be learning from me. Not the other way around.
mizunomead Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Its really simple. Just have a talk with him about what you both want at this point in time. He logged in just after you left. I am assuming that you did also to see that he did. Communicate, communicate, communicate... 1
Cinnamonstix Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Alright, I'll play. I am ultimately "the decider". Might surprise you that She desperately wants exclusivity. The guy hasn't brought it up I'm telling you from a man's perspective. Bringing up exclusivity is a wuss move. It means you aren't where you should be. You should be learning from me. Not the other way around. If you are ultimately the decider, then what's so wussy about deciding to be exclusive? Should the woman get down on one knee too?
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) Alright, I'll play. I am ultimately "the decider". Might surprise you that She desperately wants exclusivity. The guy hasn't brought it up I'm telling you from a man's perspective. Bringing up exclusivity is a wuss move. It means you aren't where you should be. You should be learning from me. Not the other way around. I am sure you're super cool J, but think I'll take a pass on that. Have done pretty well all by myself....never had a guy fade, ghost or even break up with me.. It's always been my decision. Whether to date him and to end it. And he decides too....whether or not to date me! That's how it works with me. We BOTH decide. And lest you think these guys were wusses.... to the contrary all my boyfriends were (and I am sure still are) alpha guys! For lack of a better word. So I must be doing something right..... and don't plan to change that up now! But thanks for the offer! You are one super cool macho dude.... Edited June 22, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Jabron1 Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 I am sure you're super cool J, but think I'll take a pass on that. Have done pretty well all by myself....never had a guy fade, ghost or even break up with me.. It's always been my decision. Whether to date him and to end it. And lest you think these guys were wusses.... to the contrary all my boyfriends were (and I am sure still are) alpha guys! For lack of a better word. So I must be doing something right..... and don't plan to change that up now! But thanks for the offer! You are one super cool macho dude.... Ridicule/shame rather than listen. Same crap, different day. Don't ask the questions you don't want answers to.
katiegrl Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 (edited) Ridicule/shame rather than listen. Same crap, different day. Don't ask the questions you don't want answers to. I didn't ask any questions.... but nice try anyway....is that all you can come up with? Strawman arguments don't work with me but hey I give you "A" for effort! LOL Edited June 22, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 It's amazing how much sex changes people and their perceptions. I don't know, I just think it's hard to beat someone up when you haven't bothered to establish what it is you're doing before sleeping together. All bets are off when you haven't bothered to have 'the talk' before, during or after sex. Does the guy sound like a douche? Sure but then again he didn't lie to her either. He just continued to do what he was doing while getting a little extra on side with you. If that's not the way you want to play then perhaps it's time to change the game. Communicate. Simply assuming people view sex and relationships the same way you do is a pretty much a rookie mistake. You can't assume anything when it comes to dating ESPECIALLY online dating!
redbaron007 Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 I deactivate my tinder after I get 20 matches. I like to focus on chatting to those guys and meeting 2-3 that I get on with the most before I start the next batch..... Next batch...what are we, cookies? With both sexes treating OLD as an assembly line of cookies to be sampled and discarded, any residual disappointment I had because of my lack of OLD responses has totally and permanently vanished!
Jabron1 Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 I didn't ask any questions.... but nice try anyway....is that all you can come up with? Strawman arguments don't work with me but hey I give you "A" for effort! LOL You should give me an F for effort. It's pretty obvious I'm not trying very hard. I'll give you -50 points for resorting to childish insults. I'm sure you've never had anyone ghost, fade, ditch you, etc. That's probably more indicative of living in a comfort zone. A lack of life experience. This makes you less qualified to advise the likes of me than my own mother. It's amazing how much sex changes people and their perceptions. I don't know, I just think it's hard to beat someone up when you haven't bothered to establish what it is you're doing before sleeping together. All bets are off when you haven't bothered to have 'the talk' before, during or after sex. Does the guy sound like a douche? Sure but then again he didn't lie to her either. He just continued to do what he was doing while getting a little extra on side with you. If that's not the way you want to play then perhaps it's time to change the game. Communicate. Simply assuming people view sex and relationships the same way you do is a pretty much a rookie mistake. You can't assume anything when it comes to dating ESPECIALLY online dating! I think that going straight online after sex is a crap thing to do. If she is looking to settle, this isn't the guy to do it with. I have girls doing this to me sometimes - can't leave their phone alone for five seconds. You either be indifferent to it, or you challenge it. But his actions are increasing her interest. Increasing her desire to be exclusive. It's a catch 22 for her. That's the elephant in the room that no one will accept.
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