ChocolateRain Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) having sex for the first time with my ex girlfriend. Right after she asked if she could use my laptop I said sure! no joke right in front of me she logs into her Okcupid to check her messages. unbelievable Edited June 21, 2016 by ChocolateRain correction
VeveCakes Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I did something similar. I even was taking the guy to NBA playoff game and that day he was on the dating site all day. ALL DAY. I was so mad I wanted to just take someone else but I couldn't be that rude. At the game he acted like my bf all night, so cute and seemed so sincere. The next morning driving home - yep he was online. For the record my profile was "hidden" so it's not visible to members but I can see who is online. He assumed I deleted mine and didn't know. I quickly deleted his number and moved on, whether it's ok or not because we weren't exclusive didn't matter to me. This is not the kind of man I was looking for. I want someone who can't stop thinking about ME when I leave their house. I could easily have been stuck for a long time with that creep because I was very into him. A month later I met someone who is exactly what I was looking for. I wouldn't waste another minute. 3
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I did something similar. I even was taking the guy to NBA playoff game and that day he was on the dating site all day. ALL DAY. I was so mad I wanted to just take someone else but I couldn't be that rude. At the game he acted like my bf all night, so cute and seemed so sincere. The next morning driving home - yep he was online. For the record my profile was "hidden" so it's not visible to members but I can see who is online. He assumed I deleted mine and didn't know. I quickly deleted his number and moved on, whether it's ok or not because we weren't exclusive didn't matter to me. This is not the kind of man I was looking for. I want someone who can't stop thinking about ME when I leave their house. I could easily have been stuck for a long time with that creep because I was very into him. A month later I met someone who is exactly what I was looking for. I wouldn't waste another minute. I agree with this. To me it's akin to seeing a guy (or having a friend see a guy and telling me) I just had a great date with, including sex, hitting up another chick in a bar..... WTF, he can't wait two minutes before he's out skulking other chicks? Whether on line or off. Speaks volumes as to where his head (and heart) is at concerning me ... how he feels about me....us. I have zero tolerance for that. Harsh to some I am sure, but I take care of me. No one else will.. Next..... 4
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 There was nothing wrong in having the exclusivity talk before sex. You did it right. The next thing to do is : next time you're together tell him * Now that we are exclusive we will delete our profiles and get on the pc and delete those profile together. Don't let him fool you or don't be afraid to scared him away. If he likes you he won't run away because you're showing boundaries. If he does not agree to delete the profile then drop him back in the pound and go catch a better fish. Gaeta, I gotta disagree with you about that. I am not his mother, I should not have to tell him we are deleting our profiles now....... like he is my child. He is a grown man, he will take it down when and if he wants... on his own, from his heart. Not cuz I had to tell him to. And if he chooses not to after agreeing to being exclusive with me, then it's next. Again, zero tolerance for that, speaks volumes.... 2
Larryville Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I went thru this thread twice and thought about past OLD meets. In every case you can just tell whether or not there is an exclusivity element to the dynamic. In the profiles, you are conveying what you are looking for, do people either not read the profiles or ignore? The initial conversations you communicate wants, needs desires, boundaries whatever…. Any woman I have ever been with made her intent clear on the profile and clear after we met. If a woman is going to screw a dude she hardly knows and failed to communicate her intent that is on her. Me personally, when I enter into something exclusive, I deactivate my profile and don't check, but to each their own. Ditto: while I keep the information on a word doc, I DELETE the profile. I’m showing her I’m committed to developing whatever it may become. Amazing to me this is even a debate. 1
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Gaeta, I gotta disagree with you about that. I am not his mother, I should not have to tell him we are deleting our profiles now....... like he is my child. He is a grown man, he will take it down when and if he wants... on his own, from his heart. Not cuz I had to tell him to. And if he chooses not to after agreeing to being exclusive with me, then it's next. Again, zero tolerance for that, speaks volumes.... It would have solved her problem in 2 ways. * the guy apologizes and says he's a retarded idiot and deletes his profile right away. * the guy resists, feels pressured, end the relationship. In both case she knows where he stands.
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I went thru this thread twice and thought about past OLD meets. In every case you can just tell whether or not there is an exclusivity element to the dynamic. In the profiles, you are conveying what you are looking for, do people either not read the profiles or ignore? The initial conversations you communicate wants, needs desires, boundaries whatever…. Any woman I have ever been with made her intent clear on the profile and clear after we met. If a woman is going to screw a dude she hardly knows and failed to communicate her intent that is on her. --- **Ditto: while I keep the information on a word doc, I DELETE the profile. I’m showing her I’m committed to developing whatever it may become. ^ That is how I see it too LV... It is not a commitment for life ....it is a commitment to focus only on each other to see where it will lead..... And if he cannot, on his own from his heart, without my telling him to, then clearly he is not that into me, and we are on different pages.... In which case, next.
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) It would have solved her problem in 2 ways. * the guy apologizes and says he's a retarded idiot and deletes his profile right away. * the guy resists, feels pressured, end the relationship. In both case she knows where he stands. I don trust words unless backed up with actions. Especially after the fact. And his actions spoke volumes.... Anyway, for me I would just be disappointed, disheartened, and turned off, so there is no point saying anything, except bye. Edited June 21, 2016 by katiegrl
Larryville Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 You know this is the fascinating thing about a lot of what is read here. This comment applies to ANY thread in which you are not being treated the way you want or desire. What you tolerate equates to the value you see in yourself. If you allow your SO to mistreat you, disrespect you, cheat on you, ghost on you, call you out of your name, talk down to you, lie to you... whatever… what you allow is what you think you deserve. 4
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 It would have solved her problem in 2 ways. * the guy apologizes and says he's a retarded idiot and deletes his profile right away. * the guy resists, feels pressured, end the relationship. In both case she knows where he stands. Plus, even if he agreed to delete on that site, since he was inclined to continue skulking other chicks after agreeing to exclusivity with me, in the back of my mind, I would always be wondering whether or not he was on another site... Just wouldn't work for me...
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 OP: I would like to know the following. * After you spoke exclusivity did he continue to go online on regular basis? * Was his presence online right after you left his home out of the blue and unusual? * Has he gone online again? When I was online I often made friends - pen pals, or sometimes I came across people I already knew and we would chit chat. Heck POF became my daughter and I messaging devices at some point!! So going online out of the blue is not necessarily to go check other chicks. I would be worried if he continued logging in on regular basis though. THAT I would not accept.
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 She said they hadn't had the exclusivity talk. But nevertheless, what do his actions say? Immediately after a great date with OP, including sex, she is barely out the door and he's back on line skulking other chicks? Really? Ouch!!! Exclusivity talk or not. It speaks volumes as to how he feels about her.... regardless of whether or not they had "the talk." Pay attention to actions, not words. OP, don't blame you one bit for being hurt. I'd be outta there, but if you want to talk to him, that is up to you. Good luck hope it works out the way you want. 2
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Have I been posting in the wrong thread !! I was SURE they had the exclusivity talk !! gggrr. My post #20 indicates that. OP SO SORRY. I need to go back to square 1 .
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I met a man online 5-6 weeks ago and we have seen each other every week, been getting on really well and have a lot in common. We have slept together twice, and both times i stayed over the night. Ive known that during the time we have been dating he has still been logging onto the dating website where we met (as have I on occasion, but havent corresponded with anyone since he and I have been seeing each other. Most times ive just wanted to see if he was still going online). I havent had a huge issue with him doing this, as he and I havent had the 'where is this going?' conversation yet, and I know from reading forums etc that men can be reluctant to take down their profiles straight away after meeting someone, and we havent known each other all that long, so I havent made an issue of it. But.... When I left his house on Saturday morning and came home, I suddenly had a feeling that he might log in, so I checked, and he had pretty much logged on straight after I had left. It has really hurt my feelings this time, as I feel like the bed was barely cold before he was searching online for someone else :-( Im not sure what to do. My friend said that I should just talk to him about it (which I can do in a non-confrontational way) but I will have to admit that I checked up on him, and I dont want it to look like im a crazy stalker. Just wanted some advice really, about whether I should tell him all of this, and if the fact that he logs into the dating site virtually straight after I left his house is a red flag that hes not that into me, which is my other worry. The 5-6 weeks is the make-it or break-it period. It's when you decide if you want to continue or drop someone. At 5-6 weeks you've spent enough time together to establish exclusivity or not. If you have both been logging online then you can't throw rocks at him for doing so. Yes you just did it to see if he was there and maybe he did the same. Who's to know what you did on there or what he did. He may be on a forum right now telling people you're still logging on after sex. My advice is to bring up exclusivity. Yes you can do this even if you are a woman. I am the one who brought up exclusivity with my boyfriend exactly because we were still online after sex. He said 'of course we're exclusive!' and it was the end of it with our profile. I didn't tell my boyfriend I still saw him online. I told him after the amount of time we had spent together I was looking to date exclusively and asked him what he thought. It went very smoothly and we've been dating 7 months.
Larryville Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 My advice is to bring up exclusivity. G I’m gonna repost what KG stated… She said they hadn't had the exclusivity talk. But nevertheless, what do his actions say? Immediately after a great date with OP, including sex, she is barely out the door and he's back on line skulking other chicks? Really? Ouch!!! Exclusivity talk or not. It speaks volumes as to how he feels about her If you NEED an “exclusivity talk” you are not “connected” I mean in the sense of it developing into anything of substance. what do his (or hers) actions say? His "actions" clearly showed where she stood. 1
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 If you NEED an “exclusivity talk” you are not “connected” I mean in the sense of it developing into anything of substance. Nowadays you better have an exclusivity talk otherwise you'll be shooting yourself in the foot. I had the exclusivity talk to avoid any confusion and misunderstanding about why I was investing myself. At 5 dates we were not connected, there was no need for connection, I wanted an agreement that we were dating each other exclusively. I got this agreement, then with time devoted to each other exclusively came 'connection'. 2
BlueIris Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 You know this is the fascinating thing about a lot of what is read here. This comment applies to ANY thread in which you are not being treated the way you want or desire. What you tolerate equates to the value you see in yourself. If you allow your SO to mistreat you, disrespect you, cheat on you, ghost on you, call you out of your name, talk down to you, lie to you... whatever… what you allow is what you think you deserve. True- but only true if you hang in there. Experience is often the springboard for realizing what's ok and not ok for us.
kendahke Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 When I was online I often made friends - pen pals, or sometimes I came across people I already knew and we would chit chat. Heck POF became my daughter and I messaging devices at some point!! So going online out of the blue is not necessarily to go check other chicks. I would be worried if he continued logging in on regular basis though. THAT I would not accept. When I was on OKC, I would go online to answer the questions. In fact, that's what I mainly was on there for because the men in my age bracket were all catfish, so none of their profiles were legitimate. I just found the questions to be interesting, so that's what I spent my time doing.
Larryville Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Nowadays you better have an exclusivity talk otherwise you'll be shooting yourself in the foot. I had the exclusivity talk to avoid any confusion and misunderstanding about why I was investing myself. Ok G yes if a woman has any doubts they should bring up the talk... But me... maybe I'm weird... I have never had to have that talk. The women I wanted to "pursue" I guess I exhibited my intent via my actions. Maybe also I'm kinda laid back, not particularly engaging to people I don't know or like. I read people very well and I can't fake being interested in someone. I don't know if this is generational... age related in terms of how people see this. But yes women need to be extra careful. I'm wondering if a guy brings up the exclusivity talk is he being needy?
kendahke Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Maybe he didn't think it was as great as she did? Is OP quite certain that he was even on the same page as her throughout all of this, or was this all wishful thinking on her part? What OP thinks is true and what is actually true might be two different things. One thing is for certain: she's been assuming this guy was on the same page as she was rather than having a conversation and knowing where she stood with him... and she erroneously thought she could sex him into a relationship. Without having a talk of exclusivity, to him, OP might be just a chick who is willing to have no strings attached sex with him especially if she's not bringing up exclusivity. In the absence of her saying "I require exclusivity before I take things that far...", I think it's a bit self-defeating when you go ahead and give up sex thinking that that act alone is enough to tell someone who is not in your head with you that you're now in a relationship. When it comes to sex, don't assume that you both are after a relationship. One of you might have no intention on being anyone's boyfriend/girlfriend, but you'll help yourself to some sex that's offered. 1
kztar Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Since you are having sex, I think it is time you talk to him and find out what he wants ... to date you casually? While leaving options open to date and possibly have sex with others? Or does he view what you have as something with long term potential ? Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Not in an accusatory or confrontational way, but to protect yourself. You don't know why he was on line. Perhaps as the other poster said, he received a message and was curious. Talk to him. Be nice! Lol. I agree with this too. Just be straight forward and ask questions. Hopefully he is honest enough. Ask him, What exactly is he looking for. That's all. Sometimes it's okay to have sex, and do things, however you need to know where you stand with this person. 1
kendahke Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I'm wondering if a guy brings up the exclusivity talk is he being needy? I don't think so, but I think it's a generational thing, too. I'm in my mid 50's, so generally speaking, the men I've dealt with knew that we were not seeing/sleeping with others--as did I. I would say to them when conversations were heading in that direction "so, are we exclusive if we're taking it there?", and by and large, their answer was "yes". I can see with a younger person, this can be fraught with anxiety over how they're being perceived by the other, but unless they've got excellent communications skills and are mature enough to know what they want, it's best for this kind of thing to be spelled out because hurt feelings can be the result. 1
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I'm wondering if a guy brings up the exclusivity talk is he being needy? Absolutely not, I see it as a no BS kind of guy. 2
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I don't think so, but I think it's a generational thing, too. I'm in my mid 50's, so generally speaking, the men I've dealt with knew that we were not seeing/sleeping with others--as did I. I would say to them when conversations were heading in that direction "so, are we exclusive if we're taking it there?", and by and large, their answer was "yes". I can see with a younger person, this can be fraught with anxiety over how they're being perceived by the other, but unless they've got excellent communications skills and are mature enough to know what they want, it's best for this kind of thing to be spelled out because hurt feelings can be the result. How many years ago was that? When I was 20 yes exclusivity was implied, now at 50, in 2016, it's not implied at all, not even for us. 1
kendahke Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 How many years ago was that? I"m in my mid 50's now.
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