lb27 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I met a man online 5-6 weeks ago and we have seen each other every week, been getting on really well and have a lot in common. We have slept together twice, and both times i stayed over the night. Ive known that during the time we have been dating he has still been logging onto the dating website where we met (as have I on occasion, but havent corresponded with anyone since he and I have been seeing each other. Most times ive just wanted to see if he was still going online). I havent had a huge issue with him doing this, as he and I havent had the 'where is this going?' conversation yet, and I know from reading forums etc that men can be reluctant to take down their profiles straight away after meeting someone, and we havent known each other all that long, so I havent made an issue of it. But.... When I left his house on Saturday morning and came home, I suddenly had a feeling that he might log in, so I checked, and he had pretty much logged on straight after I had left. It has really hurt my feelings this time, as I feel like the bed was barely cold before he was searching online for someone else :-( Im not sure what to do. My friend said that I should just talk to him about it (which I can do in a non-confrontational way) but I will have to admit that I checked up on him, and I dont want it to look like im a crazy stalker. Just wanted some advice really, about whether I should tell him all of this, and if the fact that he logs into the dating site virtually straight after I left his house is a red flag that hes not that into me, which is my other worry. 1
grays Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I'm on okcupid and there are long periods of time that I don't go on except to check messages. Is it possible he'd just gotten a message and checked it? 1
gkly Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 After how many dates/weeks did you first sleep with him? Did he mention monogamy/exclusivity before you agree to sleep? But if you continue to sleep together 2-3 months in, and he still does not bring the talk, that could be the time to clear up the situation. You could reduce the number of time agreeing when he suggests seeing you (but continue sleeping with him), then when he asks if everything is ok, you could silently bring the talk out. I'm dating a guy from OLD for the first time so I don't know when they will deactivate the profile too. But for me it only has been 3-4 weeks (3/4 dates and him contacting me everyday) and we only made out once. I show that I like seeing him but remain passive and less invested than him because he still logs in too (also to make sure I'm not a rebound after his breakup from long term relationship few months ago). 2
Author lb27 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 We didnt agree exclusivity before we had sex, which in hindsight I should have done so that I wouldnt find myself in this situation now, where im wondering. 2
CarrieT Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 We didnt agree exclusivity before we had sex, which in hindsight I should have done so that I wouldnt find myself in this situation now, where im wondering. Chalk it up to a lesson learned... Get the exclusivity chat out of the way before you commit yourself so you won't get so hurt in the future. 3
brothers343 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 To maybe eliminate some of your worries, maybe it's time to have that talk with him. Maybe deep inside he just thinks that this is just a sexual relationship. Sometimes being straight forward with someone is the only thing you can do to find the outcome to your story. Good luck. 2
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Since you are having sex, I think it is time you talk to him and find out what he wants ... to date you casually? While leaving options open to date and possibly have sex with others? Or does he view what you have as something with long term potential ? Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Not in an accusatory or confrontational way, but to protect yourself. You don't know why he was on line. Perhaps as the other poster said, he received a message and was curious. Talk to him. Be nice! Lol. 2
gkly Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 If you like him, I know it hurts but for now I would enjoy the time you spend with him showing your charming, feminine and cool sides. (Guys seem to notice desperation really well!) And at the same time, meet plan B... 2
losangelena Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Couple of thoughts, as this topic comes up frequently here: You say you log on occasionally "just to check" to see if he's logged on, but ... he doesn't know that. To him, it could look as if you, too, are logging in because you're unsatisfied with him and want to find someone else. Secondly, if the app is open on the phone, but running in the background, it can make it look as if the person is online if they're connected to a wifi signal, even if they're not browsing. Lastly, I do think it's quite normal to keep your profile up and active for a couple of months into dating someone new. I know when my ex and I first started dating, we didn't agree to exclusivity until about month three. I didn't meet anyone new after our third date, but I still kept my profile activated until we decided to be exclusive. I looked, but I wasn't "looking," if that makes any sense. I wouldn't message guys or "like" their profiles, nor would I respond to messages I got, except to say, "hey I'm starting to see someone, want to see where it goes," etc. Anyway, if I were you, I'd think about expressing a desire for exclusivity with him. Yeah, it'd suck to know that's NOT what he wants (if that's his response), but at least you know now, after 6 weeks, instead of in another 2 or 3 months. 12
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I met a man online 5-6 weeks ago and we have seen each other every week, been getting on really well and have a lot in common. We have slept together twice, and both times i stayed over the night. Ive known that during the time we have been dating he has still been logging onto the dating website where we met (as have I on occasion, but havent corresponded with anyone since he and I have been seeing each other. Most times ive just wanted to see if he was still going online). I havent had a huge issue with him doing this, as he and I havent had the 'where is this going?' conversation yet, and I know from reading forums etc that men can be reluctant to take down their profiles straight away after meeting someone, and we havent known each other all that long, so I havent made an issue of it. But.... When I left his house on Saturday morning and came home, I suddenly had a feeling that he might log in, so I checked, and he had pretty much logged on straight after I had left. It has really hurt my feelings this time, as I feel like the bed was barely cold before he was searching online for someone else :-( Im not sure what to do. My friend said that I should just talk to him about it (which I can do in a non-confrontational way) but I will have to admit that I checked up on him, and I dont want it to look like im a crazy stalker. Just wanted some advice really, about whether I should tell him all of this, and if the fact that he logs into the dating site virtually straight after I left his house is a red flag that hes not that into me, which is my other worry. I don't get this at all. How can you scold him in any way for going to a website that you yourself went to just about as fast? And until you have that talk of exclusivity, you should consider the whole dating scene like that of applying for jobs: True there are those who send out ONE resume at a time, and then wait the 2 or 6 weeks until they convince themselves that the company isn't going to call, before sending out a second resume... but a far more productive means of getting hired is to liberally distribute your resume while targeting various positions both higher and lower than what you hoped to land. The most important question for you to ask yourself is "do you want (this Job) or not?" IF you do, then you go out there and at least initiate that conversation about where do we stand as a couple? It sounds mostly as if you are in fear of the answer, and are thus leaving the question hanging in mid-air. But what if he's afraid too??? (and what if he can see how often you've logged-into that website as well?) 2
kendahke Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I don't think I would have had sex with him while he was still active on a dating site. that means he's still looking and isn't committed. He'd have to agree to be exclusive before that took place. My feelings would have gotten all up in the mix. All you can do now is to tell him what you know and how you feel. He'll either close his account or he won't... and from there, you will need to decide whether it's worth your youth to continue to deal with him. 2
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 (edited) If you like him, I know it hurts but for now I would enjoy the time you spend with him showing your charming, feminine and cool sides. (Guys seem to notice desperation really well!) And at the same time, meet plan B... Well, personally I could never be that *cool* and frankly the men I have had relationships with wouldn't want me to be that cool either! They would be locking ME down! I have never had to say anything..... OP, if you choose to go this route proposed by gkly, be sure you use protection, which you should probably be using anyway ..... regardless. Edited June 19, 2016 by katiegrl 2
gkly Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Well, personally I could never be that *cool* and frankly the men I have had relationships with wouldn't want me to be that cool either! They would be locking ME down! I have never had to say anything..... OP, if you choose to go this route proposed by gkly, be sure you use protection, which you should probably be using anyway ..... regardless. Actually, I had to fight a dilemma on this: stay cool vs be bold. She can express honestly because they engaged in physical intimacy already. I just chose staying cool (but limiting to 2-3 more weeks) because rushing may lead to losing... It depends on how much longer can you stay without going insanely insecure. Meeting other options could save you from putting all your eggs into one basket and end up losing all. Also, I suggested not to take sex away from him because I didn't think using 'no sex' as a negative reinforcement was a good idea to make him commit in some way. 1
Satu Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 It looks like you need to have that conversation, so you might as well have it sooner rather than later. As regards him logging in to that website, the jury is out, because nobody knows what his intentions were/are. Take care. 1
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Actually, I had to fight a dilemma on this: stay cool vs be bold. She can express honestly because they engaged in physical intimacy already. I just chose staying cool (but limiting to 2-3 more weeks) because rushing may lead to losing... It depends on how much longer can you stay without going insanely insecure. Meeting other options could save you from putting all your eggs into one basket and end up losing all. Also, I suggested not to take sex away from him because I didn't think using 'no sex' as a negative reinforcement was a good idea to make him commit in some way. Yeah, if she chooses to go the *cool chick* route and not say anything, I don't think she should take away sex either... that's a form of manipulation imo. Just be sure to always use protection... as if he is keeping options open, it is possible he may be having sex with others as well.. 1
xxbelieverinlovexx Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Don't sleep with a man if you barely know him. Do it when you feel that you two are only dating each other. 3
joseb Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I'm always amazed how many times people post on here pissed off that they see a new partner is online, while they are doing the exact same thing themselves. 5
Jabron1 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I'm always amazed how many times people post on here pissed off that they see a new partner is online, while they are doing the exact same thing themselves. I'm interested reading here the thought process behind a woman giving the talk. I think I'm about to go through the same thing http://img.michaeljacksonspictures.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/popcorn-blank.gif Let's condense the tips so far - Should have made him wait - Have a backup guy in rotation - Take away sex - Play it cool; try and get him to ask - Be bold; raise it
LeslieWalsh Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 This actually happens all the time with online dating. I've had my fair share of 3rd, 4th date sex, to see him log in after doing the deed. Yes, it does feel like a slap in the face, I know some people say there was no commitment, but putting nookie into the equation makes things difficult. I've also had guys UPDATE their profile pictures after date/sex. That's why I don't do online dating anymore, I'm going cold turkey.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 There was nothing wrong in having the exclusivity talk before sex. You did it right. The next thing to do is : next time you're together tell him * Now that we are exclusive we will delete our profiles and get on the pc and delete those profile together. Don't let him fool you or don't be afraid to scared him away. If he likes you he won't run away because you're showing boundaries. If he does not agree to delete the profile then drop him back in the pound and go catch a better fish. 2
4x4storm Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I understand where your coming from i'm a male and I remember having sex for the first time with my ex girlfriend. Right after she asked if she could use my laptop I said sure! no joke right in front of me she logs into her Okcupid to check her messages. I think people commenting need to stop crying and realize some people expect/do things differently. I'm talking to a girl right now who I haven't even met yet but she has already deactivated her account because she likes to focus on one guy at a time. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I understand where your coming from i'm a male and I remember having sex for the first time with my ex girlfriend. Right after she asked if she could use my laptop I said sure! no joke right in front of me she logs into her Okcupid to check her messages. I think people commenting need to stop crying and realize some people expect/do things differently. I'm talking to a girl right now who I haven't even met yet but she has already deactivated her account because she likes to focus on one guy at a time. I deactivate my tinder after I get 20 matches. I like to focus on chatting to those guys and meeting 2-3 that I get on with the most before I start the next batch. At times when I am super busy, I deactivate it after setting up meeting with one. Nothing to do with me really liking him, I have too much other stuff to do and don't want to lose future matches by being "unfocused" or "burnt out". Don't read into it. 1
joseb Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I deactivate my tinder after I get 20 matches. I like to focus on chatting to those guys and meeting 2-3 that I get on with the most before I start the next batch. At times when I am super busy, I deactivate it after setting up meeting with one. Nothing to do with me really liking him, I have too much other stuff to do and don't want to lose future matches by being "unfocused" or "burnt out". Don't read into it. I think that's a good idea though. People who are getting tons of matches and constantly swiping can't see the wood from the trees ... better to focus on a manageable number. 1
JoeSmith357-1 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 You apparently went online immediately afterwards too... So it's ok for you to be spying on him, but it's not ok for him to check a message he may have received? Me personally, when I enter into something exclusive, I deactivate my profile and don't check, but to each their own. I sense some insecurities. Plus, i'm not sure you all even had the "exclusivity" talk, so he's free to do whatever he wants Is he maybe using you for sex? Maybe, but you also arent exclusive from the sounds of it, so he's well within his rights 1
kendahke Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Yeah, OP, you kind of kneecapped yourself by being too scared to have a talk that is fundamental to your security. Now, because you didn't take care of what needed to be taken care of before you had sex with him it looks like you're creeping and stalking him. He would have said "yes" or "no" to exclusivity--why was that answer so frightening to you that you acted contrary to your own security? 4
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