startinganew777 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 (edited) I have had a habit of dating the same kind of guys. It had caused a ton of problems in my relationships and never worked out. Every guy, and I mean EVERY guy I have dated has been ADD. Some took meds for it, some didnt. I just gravitate to that personality type for some reason. But like I said, they all ended very badly. So about a year ago I meet a guy totally different. He has a huge heart, VERY caring and attentive and makes me feel on top of the world. I have never been this in love. He is perfect to me and I see a great future with him. He moved in about a month ago and things got even better. We still to this day have never gotten into an argument. We get along great and both really laid back. He doesn't get on my nerves and I "think" I don't get on his. LOL So yesterday I did something bad. I was looking in his boxes for some spray paint for a project and I came upon some personal papers. There was a folder that said medical. I not only got curious but concerned at the same time wondering if there could be something wrong with him that I may not know. So yeah, I looked into it. There were some sheets from past physicals and it said he has atypical nevi, which I looked up and it means he is at risk for melanoma, and it also said he had ADHD and takes Adderral everyday for it. He has never mentioned these things to me. I would have had no idea he was ADHD. The melanoma thing has me really freaked out. It is one of my worst fears and now I have to think about him getting it. And the whole ADHD thing? Why hasn't he mentioned this to me? I think that is a pretty important thing to tell your partner. I have medical issues and he knows everything. He is different from the other guys I have dated and seems to take care of his issue but again, I worry that this whole relationship could be his hyperfocus and that is why he is soooooo perfect to me right now. Is this the real him? Will he change later? I can't really bring it up because he will probably get upset that I snooped. I just wish he would have told me. I want to believe he is in love with me and this seemingly soul mate connection is real Edited June 19, 2016 by startinganew777
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I say this to everyone. In order to have a healthy happy relationship, you MUST be able to have good, honest communication with each other. Have that conversation with him. It wasn't like you were looking for something, you came across a file and you were concerned about it's contents like anyone would be. Then discuss your experience, and ask him questions. If this feels like this relationship is for the long haul, tell him that, and tell him how important it is to you that you both don't keep secrets. 4
Emilia Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I have had a habit of dating the same kind of guys. It had caused a ton of problems in my relationships and never worked out. Every guy, and I mean EVERY guy I have dated has been ADD. Some took meds for it, some didnt. I just gravitate to that personality type for some reason. But like I said, they all ended very badly. What makes you get attracted to them you think?
Author startinganew777 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 I have no idea. Their crazy exciting personality I think. But they all were unreasponsible, headed no where in life and lied to me, ect. This guy is NOTHING like them. My parents even said that loved him and so glad I'm not dating another hyperactive/adhd guy. Other than him being forgetful, you wouldn't even know it. He isresponsible, good job, no hyperness, laid back personality, even keel kind of guy. I guess the meds really work for him. That is why I was so shocked when I found out.
Buddhist Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 So about a year ago I meet a guy totally different. There was a folder that said medical. I not only got curious but concerned at the same time wondering if there could be something wrong with him that I may not know. So yeah, I looked into it. I disagree with the previous poster you snooped. You found something that wasn't yours and delved into it. The reasons for that do not matter. It had nothing to do with you ergo you snooped and found something you didn't like. You've been dating a year, that's long enough to see if this relationship of yours is fact or fantasy. I'm of the opinion that people are allowed to tell you about personal stuff like this when and if they feel comfortable. It's not something that concerns you directly. His ADHD is obviously under control, what business is it of yours if he has a genetic predisposition to melanoma? This is like him stumbling across your gyno file and questioning you and the relationship over it. 2
Emilia Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I certainly think that his diagnosis should not affect whether you date him or not. Your issues with ADHD based on past experiences is your baggage, not his. They are perfectly lovable people, I dated one too once. The issue is that you were attracted to crazy people in the past. If you invite that into your life, it's what you get: crazy, unpredictable people who make a massive mess. The diagnosis is irrelevant. 3
Author startinganew777 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 (edited) I know I screwed up by snooping. It wasn't my intention but I did. I didn't come on here for comments about that. I was just worried with his health issues. The whole melanoma thing scares the crap out of me. I get why he hasn't said anything about that but I do think he should have mentioned the ADHD. Just like anyone should mention bipolar when in a serious relationship. That can effect the state of a relationship so I do think that is important. And no, breaking up with him didn't even cross my mind. I love him more than anything and he hasn't done anything to me to make me do that. I just worry now that things could change in the future of he is hyperfocusing right now. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. As for being with someone for a year and realizing it is fact or fantasy, that is not true in all cases. I dated a sociopath and didn't see the real person until a year and a half. My baggage I know but it still effects me. That is why this worries me. Edited June 19, 2016 by startinganew777
mortensorchid Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Well I have this to say about these issues: 1) ADHD / ADD - I can honestly say that I have never been with someone who has had this. I have known those with it but never been in said relationship situations with them. If I have been with someone in the past who has it, they had their meds balanced to such a point that I was unaware of it. But back to this ... SO every man you have ever been with has had ADD/ ADHD? Okay, so what's the problem? Is that like saying that every man you have ever been with is a Bad Boy (getting into fist fights, drugs/alcohol, in and out of jail, etc.)? What are the behaviors / issues that you are encountering with men with it? I really want to know because I am asking. 2) Finding the information - You should not look at people's information be it on their phone, their computer, their paperwork, etc. There are situations in which you will find out things about people that you otherwise would not have, quite by accident. Having worked in health care for many years (and now the education world), I have determined that ignorance is bliss. You will come across a lot of information about people in both of said fields, and if and when you do it's shocking and horrifying (or can be), and one thing that you learn to do is to stay out of other people's lives, not share a lot of things about yourself with others. Because it's none of your business. Also, as soon as you do that, you'll find that you will actually be happier not knowing things. 3) Now that you have found it - This is difficult to discuss, because now that you know something about someone, that will have a wedge between you. The means that you found it aside, this is now difficult. If you found out he committed murder, what would you do then? For the moment, don't say anything. It's really not your business what did/didn't happen to him in the past, unless it is impacting something in the here and now.
Emilia Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Meh you are looking for problems where there are none. Maybe that's why you like guys with drama and you are craving some with this poor sap. 1
Author startinganew777 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 Wow that was ignorant. Poor sap? That so-called poor sap has it pretty darn good. I treat him good and with respect and he tells me everyday how much she loves me for being me. I do not want drama anymore, that is why I am still with him and why he's the best thing I have ever had. I was just worried about our future.
Emilia Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Good so I'm guessing you are putting this nonsense to rest?
Emilia Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I say this to everyone. In order to have a healthy happy relationship, you MUST be able to have good, honest communication with each other. Have that conversation with him. It wasn't like you were looking for something, you came across a file and you were concerned about it's contents like anyone would be. Then discuss your experience, and ask him questions. If this feels like this relationship is for the long haul, tell him that, and tell him how important it is to you that you both don't keep secrets. I would certainly have a chat with him but wouldn't make a big deal about it. After all, what can anyone actually do? You either accept it or you don't. 1
basil67 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 So you've found out that he is a normal guy because he's compliant with his meds. And you know that he knows he needs to take extra care to check for melanoma. When the alternative is him being non-compliant on his meds and not being aware of his risk for melanoma, I think you've found a good thing. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 as far as i know anyone who goes out in the sun has a risk of getting a melanoma.....some more than others.... so this guy is proactive....he gets regular check ups...keeps medical files and or records of visits......takes medication...listens to his doctors.....treats you well...you treat him well......you have good times....he cares for you you care for him.... i would worry more that you have never argued...... what was the problem again?...best wishes...deb 1
Buddhist Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 (edited) I know I screwed up by snooping. It wasn't my intention but I did. I didn't come on here for comments about that. I was just worried with his health issues. The whole melanoma thing scares the crap out of me. I get why he hasn't said anything about that but I do think he should have mentioned the ADHD. Just like anyone should mention bipolar when in a serious relationship. That can effect the state of a relationship so I do think that is important. And no, breaking up with him didn't even cross my mind. I love him more than anything and he hasn't done anything to me to make me do that. I just worry now that things could change in the future of he is hyperfocusing right now. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. As for being with someone for a year and realizing it is fact or fantasy, that is not true in all cases. I dated a sociopath and didn't see the real person until a year and a half. My baggage I know but it still effects me. That is why this worries me. Well someone is hyperfocusing and it isn't him. At what point did you break the news about your anxiety? Your posts are riddled with it. I should know I have the grand daddy of anxiety disorders. Anxiety goes looking for things to go wrong and when it finds even the tiniest thing, it obsesses on it and blows everything out of proportion. If you loved him, you would never have pried into his privacy and matters he does not yet want to share with you. I don't agree that people have to give their SO's a list of their diagnosis because it could 'affect the relationship'. But hey that's just me. You posted your situation and invited comment. My comment is when you go looking for trouble you will always find it. The bigger question here isn't his behaviour but yours. By your account his behaviour is just fine. Edited June 19, 2016 by Buddhist 1
Dis Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I know I screwed up by snooping. It wasn't my intention but I did. I didn't come on here for comments about that. I was just worried with his health issues. The whole melanoma thing scares the crap out of me. I get why he hasn't said anything about that but I do think he should have mentioned the ADHD. Just like anyone should mention bipolar when in a serious relationship. That can effect the state of a relationship so I do think that is important. And no, breaking up with him didn't even cross my mind. I love him more than anything and he hasn't done anything to me to make me do that. I just worry now that things could change in the future of he is hyperfocusing right now. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. As for being with someone for a year and realizing it is fact or fantasy, that is not true in all cases. I dated a sociopath and didn't see the real person until a year and a half. My baggage I know but it still effects me. That is why this worries me. Why would someone with bipolar need to divulge their diagnosis? I have bipolar and am under treatment... I've been unaffected by it for over half a decade...its a moot point that I dont need to tell anyone My point is...there is no need to reveal a diagnosis if it's irrelevant to the present I think you're just looking for trouble because this is the first relationship you've had where there is none Give this guy a break...he's the same guy you knew and loved before you found out this new info...nothing has changed except you're perception of him You seem alittle judgmental...maybe he can sense that and hasnt mentioned his diagnosis because of it
brothers343 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I agree with the some of the posters above, to me this is not a big deal. I take Adderall, it helped me pass peramedic and nursing school. Many people take it and many people have other underlying issues. I would actually feel lucky that he doesn't have a bigger illness, like HIV or many others. Everyone in this world has issues, I know I do and my wife knows I do.....but to love someone you also have to understand and put in your head that trusting and letting someone really in takes time and patience. Even years. Good luck.
kismetkismet Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 He may have hidden it from you because you seem to have quite a stigma against ADHD and other things.. People can sense others' aversions to difference. ADHD in adults is hardly something to be overly concerned about. I have ADHD and am medicated, but I don't think it's anything but something that makes me learn a bit differently and I need different organizational strategies than some. I got straight A's at a very good university, have a solid high paying career, have hobbies and am athletic etc. etc. ADHD and loads of other disorders are very manageable and can even be an asset. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.. I often don't tell people about having ADHD straight away because it's irrelevant in most situations and also has a stigma attached to it. 1
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Calm down. Do nothing with the information. You have been dating for an entire year, living together 1 month, let this relationship naturally unfold. If something happens down the road with the ADHD then you'll cross that bridge THEN. If he had told you would you have broken up with him? then let it go. As for the skin cancer, everyone is scared of skin cancer, and we're all at risk. He knows he's at risk and he gets checked up, end of story. 10 years ago I because high risk for breasts cancer and I get a mammogram each year. It never even crossed my mind to tell my boyfriend. Nowadays with everything they put in our food, water, air, we're all at high risk of something.
Recommended Posts