Boyfriend goes out with another girl for hours

[Winterina]

Oh honey... nobody can tell you if he is cheating or not, because it might be just that he likes her company and attention. So he might be telling you the truth about them being only platonic. However, what would concern me the most is that he promised you he will not spend long periods of time with her and then he did it anyway followed by inevitable crappy excuse, like he lost track of the time and such... That is a HUGE red flag and indication of more excuses to come. In particular, as everyone else noticed, it is insane that even after you asked him to stop, he just made it clear that these things will happen in the future too.

He is not a man but a boy. It might be not such a big thing, but it is a big indicator of something that will lead you into unhappiness.

It is easy to say to someone else who is in love to leave, and it is hard to do. But you will have to do it now or some day when you are ready, but it will be done.

Today, his attitude is immature and uncaring because of another woman (presumably a friend), tomorrow it will be another issue, and then another.... think about what is says about his character and his attitude towards you and your relationship.

Best of luck!

[kismetkismet]

As others have said, different people have different expectations from relationships, but it seems like this is walking the line a bit.. If it's something that's making you genuinely uncomfortable you need to bring it up with him again and have a serious talk with him. It seems like he's walking the line on some boundaries for sure.

 

My best friend is a guy so I'm definitely in the camp that thinks that opposite sex friendships do exist. My boyfriend can actually be quite insecure/jealous (though he tries not to be) but has no problem with this friend, and I think there are a few key reasons.

 

-I introduced the two of them fairly early and we all hang out in groups all together a lot. I think that when you see my friend and I together it's pretty obvious that it's not a romantic relationship at all and it was important to me that he see this.

 

-I don't have plans alone with my friend that my bf is not invited to. i'd leave wiggle room for this because I think sometimes catching up with a friend one on one is important too, but it's weird to me that ALL of their hangouts are one on one.

 

-There's absolutely no romantic history betweens my friend and I. We've been friends for 3-4 years and have both been single at the same time but also had multiple relationships. This is the biggest factor I think..

 

There is such a thing as emotional cheating.. It's almost like he's having a second relationship, regardless of whether it's actually physical or not. Can you push to have more group hangouts rather than them just hanging out the two of them all the time? I feel like that could normalize the dynamic.. rather than him having two totally separate relationships with each of you, it would then be more established that she is the friend and you are the girlfriend in a way?

[Gaeta]

I am of a different opinion

 

We hung out regularly while we were friends, so I have learned a lot about him.

 

You know first hand how he conduct himself in a friendship. If you have known him as a friend for 5 years before being a couple then you know how he handles his friendships with female, right? Anything you should worry about then?

 

I trusted him and still do.

No you don't. If you trusted him there would not be this thread. You give him your trust or you don't. There is no I trust him BUT. Trust does not come with a 'but'.

 

 

They would hang out for a few hours go for dinner (always have drinks together). Note *he does not drink with me as much as he drinks with her.

Would you prefer they hung out at her place? Listen, they go to restaurants you've never been to because they are friends and she has no problems telling him which restaurants she wants to try out. As for you the girlfriend you probably wait in silence for your boyfriend to figure out which restaurant you'd like to go to. If you'd like to be taken to these restaurants then speak up.

 

A few months back the two of them went out for 5 hours.

A few months ago? so they don't do that on regular basis. So a few months ago they went out for 5 hours then there is this time he saw her twice in 2 days. That's your big worry?

 

He has never given me any reason to think that he would cheat on me or do anything he shouldn’t.

Then what's the problem? The problem is you don't trust him. You think he is weak and he would sleep with her if she offered him.

 

I dont know what to say to him. He told me he wouldn't let it get this far. But it happened again.

 

You are making a big deal out of nothing. MONTHS AGO they went out for 5 hours and this time for 6. Let the man breath a little. Why do you keep track on the hours he's out? You want him to keep looking at his watch when he's out shopping to make sure he does not break your rule? How long that relationship will last you think? If you want to kick his manhood in the nuts than go ahead. Give him a curfew.

[longjohn]

As a man and I hate to say this but I think he's drilling for oil at two wells and enjoying every minute of it. I could very well be wrong but from what you've said he's got the best of both worlds. Your best bet is to end it and find someone that has the time and decency to treat you like a human not a door mat.

[Zapbasket]

I love that you bring a different, and well-articulated, opinion into the mix, but I have to call out one of your points:

 

I am of a different opinion

 

 

 

You know first hand how he conduct himself in a friendship. If you have known him as a friend for 5 years before being a couple then you know how he handles his friendships with female, right? Anything you should worry about then?

 

Well, yeah, she does know first-hand how he conducts himself in opposite-sex friendship, and that's precisely why she's right to be worried: he is capable of evolving a friendship into a romance, as he did with the OP. As friends, they spent time together, likely similarly to how this other woman and he spend time together. And over time, over all the opportunities to evolve emotionally and grow intimacy provided by their outings together, the friendship progressed into romance.

 

And this was between two people who each thought the other was only a friend at first.

 

By contrast, this other woman has openly admitted to having feelings for OP's boyfriend. It's highly unlikely her interest in him has subsided to a purely platonic level; she has probably just tried to deal with the fact of his as-yet un-reciprocated interest by dating other guys, and it's probably easy for her to do so since she still gets his undivided attention on a regular basis.

 

So she has plenty of reason not to trust that this friendship could prove a threat to their relationship. That's not the same as not trusting HIM. As partners, we have to speak our minds when we think our partner is engaging in behaviors that are destructive--either to themselves, or to the health of the relationship. The OP is not "taking his manhood away" by speaking to him about her discomfort with this friendship and the way they spend time together; she is being genuine, open and honest. I don't see her trying to dictate anything he does; the problem is that in the freedom to do whatever he wants, he is choosing to disregard his girlfriend's feelings and continue to hang out with this woman now KNOWING that it makes his girlfriend uncomfortable.

 

I don't like to be controlled and I hate when someone doesn't trust me, but if I were in a relationship and had an opposite-sex friendship that made my boyfriend uncomfortable, I would take pains to bring my male friend into our shared friendship circle and otherwise do everything possible to help my bf see that there truly is nothing to worry about. I also wouldn't keep up a friendship with a guy who admitted to having feelings for me, as I'd feel that was unfair both to my bf, and to the guy. And, if I were a woman who was "friends" with a guy who was in a relationship, and I had romantic feelings for him, I would pull away out of respect for the sanctity of my "friend's" romantic life.

 

OP, your bf could be really obtuse, or there is something shady going on. I suggest making one more very clear communication about how this friendship makes you feel, make sure he understands, and then pull back and see what he does. If he truly has you in mind, he will alter something in relation to this girl, something you can feel and see, and he will be anxious to reassure you in every way he can. If those things don't happen, then I think you know what you'll need to do.

[frus69]

 

You are making a big deal out of nothing. MONTHS AGO they went out for 5 hours and this time for 6. Let the man breath a little. Why do you keep track on the hours he's out? You want him to keep looking at his watch when he's out shopping to make sure he does not break your rule? How long that relationship will last you think? If you want to kick his manhood in the nuts than go ahead. Give him a curfew.

 

What if few months ago they hung out for 6 hours. but every week after that they hung out for 3 hours?

Need some clarification

[ExpatInItaly]

His most recent response to your concerns smells bad, OP. He won't spend 5 or 6 hours at once with her, but he'll break it up over several days...? Not good.

 

Sorry, but I don't think you're over-reacting.

 

Again, I don't see why you cannot suggest that all 4 of you go out on a double date. Has that ever been proposed?

[joseb]

I love that you bring a different, and well-articulated, opinion into the mix, but I have to call out one of your points:

 

 

 

Well, yeah, she does know first-hand how he conducts himself in opposite-sex friendship, and that's precisely why she's right to be worried: he is capable of evolving a friendship into a romance, as he did with the OP. As friends, they spent time together, likely similarly to how this other woman and he spend time together. And over time, over all the opportunities to evolve emotionally and grow intimacy provided by their outings together, the friendship progressed into romance.

 

And this was between two people who each thought the other was only a friend at first.

 

 

Yes it is good to get another perspective, thanks Gaeta.

 

But I agree, I think the way he conducts friendships is exactly why she should be worried.

 

I would like to get a better handle on how often he is seeing this other woman?

 

I don't like being told who I can spend time with, but I think if I was this guy, and I really was just having a platonic friendship, and especially if it worried my GF, then I would be receptive to the idea of hanging out with her and my gf and others, rather than insisting on this one on one where he *says* they are in public places.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes it is good to get another perspective, thanks Gaeta.

 

But I agree, I think the way he conducts friendships is exactly why she should be worried.

 

I would like to get a better handle on how often he is seeing this other woman?

 

I don't like being told who I can spend time with, but I think if I was this guy, and I really was just having a platonic friendship, and especially if it worried my GF, then I would be receptive to the idea of hanging out with her and my gf and others, rather than insisting on this one on one where he *says* they are in public places.

 

Yes, exactly. This is the part I don't understand either.

 

I don't see why he wouldn't arrange for them all to hang out sometimes. I think it would go a long way to ease OP's discomfort.

[elaine567]

Seems to me when people have friends in a relationship, the friends either are mutual, or they fill in a gap. She doesn't play squash he plays squash with his mate, he doesn't go to the ballet, she goes to ballet with her mates.

The friends should not encroach on "partner" activities. the partner needs to feel somewhat "special".

Alienating the core partner never ends well, and that is what he is doing here. The OP is not his priority, his "friend" is.

 

He is out shopping with her, he is out buying Father's day gifts with her, he is out drinking with her, he is out in restaurants with her, he is doing all that girlfriend stuff with her, so where does the OP fit into all of this?

The friend is encroaching on space that should be reserved for the girlfriend, and as "the friend" sees him as bf material too and has a crush on him, then is is all just a bit too cosy.

 

I guess he feels like "da man", he has two besotted women vying for his company, what's not to like?

[stillafool]

It sounds like they are dating if you ask me. OP, I think you should find a male friend to hang out with.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I dunno. I have a close male friend that is married. There was never any crushes or attraction on either side, even though we spend a lot of time together. Sometimes in groups, sometimes alone.

 

I met his wife and know her but I can't say that I would enjoy having her along to our hangouts. I would probably rather stop hanging out with him all together. I don't think this is such a big test. I see him the same way I see my good female friend and I don't enjoy hanging out with her and her bf either. I think 2 couples can be fun, but one single person with a couple kind of sucks...being the third wheel is no fun for me or pretty much anyone.

 

The other thing is that my friendship with my friend is mostly based around work and inside work jokes. Having his wife around forces me to bring the conversation back to the small talk level so she doesn't feel left out.

 

The only exception is that wife and me get along... and there are never any issues with him hanging out with me.

 

But yeah, the usual advice of "you should all hang out together" just makes it awkward for everyone involved.

[BigShel]

My boyfriend (27 years old) and I (27 years old) have been together for almost a year. We have known each other for 5 years. We hung out regularly while we were friends, so I have learned a lot about him. A few years back when were just friends, he was introduced to a girl (Michelle). Over time they became friends and started hanging out together.

 

One day Josh told me that Michelle has started showing interest in him saying things like I see you as a potential boyfriend. I was curious about what he thought about her, so I asked him if he was interested her. He told me that he wasn’t and that he wanted to keep things just at the friendship level. Over the years he kept telling me that she was still interested him but he showed no signs of being interested in her.

 

Eventually Josh and I became serious. My boyfriend does occasionally still go out with Michelle, which I never had a problem with him hanging out with her. I trusted him and still do. I have met her once, but never hung out with the two of them. Whenever they hang out he is always the one picking her up from her house. They would hang out for a few hours go for dinner (always have drinks together). Note *he does not drink with me as much as he drinks with her.

 

A few months back the two of them went out for 5 hours. I’ll be honest I was pretty upset as to how long they spent together. I shared how I felt to my boyfriend, letting him that it makes me feel uncomfortable for the two of them to be together for so long. I asked him how he would feel if it was me going out with a guy for 5 hours. He told me that he never looked at it that way; putting himself in my shoes He said that he wouldn’t like that. He apologized and said that he will set a limit next time they go out.

When the two of them go out it kind of sounds like a date to me (getting picked up, going out and then having dinner). What bothers me is that they go to restaurants that my boyfriend has never taken me to. It also bothers me because let’s not forget she has shown interest in him, even though she currently has a boyfriend.

 

I was supposed to go out with my boyfriend today, but something came up and I had to cancel with him. He ended up going out with her and it is bothering me because they went out yesterday for 6 hours.

 

He has never given me any reason to think that he would cheat on me or do anything he shouldn’t. I love him very much. It bothers me when the two of them go out. Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting. The last thing I want to do, is sound like a crazy jealous girlfriend and end up driving my boyfriend away because I cannot give him a little freedom. Part of it is that I do not have many friends, so I don’t get to do much outside our relationship other than work.

 

I dont know what to say to him. He told me he wouldn't let it get this far. But it happened again.

 

I would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.

 

6 hours!!? No one goes for dinner for 6 hours honey. I havn't read any replies yet but it seems to me that they aren't going for just dinner. You need to put your foot down and communicate with him your line in the sand that he is constantly walking over. No one does or says anything to you that you don't invite them to do. You are allowing this to happen. It's not like he can't hang out with her but hes gonna have to start being more honest. Press him about it. Is it more than just dinner? If I was in your situation, id simply say that it's unacceptable and won't work for you. Negotiate your terms, and if he isn't willing to meet you at your terms, it's time to move on.

[katiegrl]

OP, would you please clarify how often they go out together? On what you view as *dates*?

 

You said a few months ago they went out for five hours.

 

A few days ago, six hours.

 

But you *imply* or suggest in other parts of your post that they see each other regularly .... that they go to restaurants he has never taken you too, etc. On *dates*. Or that is what you deem it.

 

You also imply (not exactly say) ... they spend large amounts of time together, hence his comment that if he cuts back on the amount of time they spend together on one *date* ... he will just see her more often for shorter periods...

 

It is a little confusing... can you clarify?

 

How often do they actually get together?

Edited June 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

6 hours!!? No one goes for dinner for 6 hours honey. .

 

Then you don't know good dinner places. I took my friend out for her birthday to a restaurant and we were there 5 hours. If they go to a pub, terrace or any place with some entertainment yes they can easily stay there 5-6 hours.

[Gaeta]

 

He is out shopping with her, he is out buying Father's day gifts with her, he is out drinking with her, he is out in restaurants with her, he is doing all that girlfriend stuff with her, so where does the OP fit into all of this?

The friend is encroaching on space that should be reserved for the girlfriend, and as "the friend" sees him as bf material too and has a crush on him, then is is all just a bit too cosy.

 

On the other hand when you're in a relationship you need to keep up with relationships outside of your romantic-relationship. His girlfriend cannot be the sole center of his life. We still need to maintain our friendships, go out, have fun, chill out, without our bf-gf. That's what he does. OP has never said that he is using up some of her time on this friend. He made plans with the friends because OP cancelled on him.

[kendahke]

The minute she told him " I see you as a potential boyfriend", HE needed to put her down. Would be different if he'd known her a while before he met you, but he met her after he met you. The fact that he's still taking her on dates (that's exactly what he's doing with her) tells me that you're the odd (wo)man out here and that they are both playing their part to drive up your over-reacting, etc.

 

You know what? Love doesn't mean anything here. This is about respect and neither of them respect you. To her you're an inconvenience he needs to get rid of and he's pretty much going along with it, not doing anything to stand sentry to your relationship. So as much as you love him, you're going to have to realize that he doesn't esteem you in the same measure--else Michelle wouldn't have gotten this far upstream with him.

 

You and your love can do way better than this. I hope you believe that you're worth better than what this boyfriend has shown you he can do. HE's pretty abysmal if you ask me.

[Zapbasket]

The minute she told him " I see you as a potential boyfriend", HE needed to put her down. Would be different if he'd known her a while before he met you, but he met her after he met you. The fact that he's still taking her on dates (that's exactly what he's doing with her) tells me that you're the odd (wo)man out here and that they are both playing their part to drive up your over-reacting, etc.

 

You know what? Love doesn't mean anything here. This is about respect and neither of them respect you. To her you're an inconvenience he needs to get rid of and he's pretty much going along with it, not doing anything to stand sentry to your relationship. So as much as you love him, you're going to have to realize that he doesn't esteem you in the same measure--else Michelle wouldn't have gotten this far upstream with him.

 

You and your love can do way better than this. I hope you believe that you're worth better than what this boyfriend has shown you he can do. HE's pretty abysmal if you ask me.

 

THIS, especially the bolded. I, too, hope you realize how much better you can do. Your bf's behavior is not the behavior of someone who is super into you. You are absolutely right to be uncomfortable and I don't think you should put up with it one minute more.

 

HOWEVER, I don't think you should broach the subject with him again. You have all the information you need to make a decision around the question: Am I okay with this, or not? If not, it's past time to bow out. If you walk away firmly, quietly, and without going into any detail about exactly WHY other than you don't think you two are compatible in what you want out of this relationship, he and his friend can't frame you as the uptight, jealous gf getting in the way of their "perfectly above-board friendship." Otherwise, that's exactly where this is headed. This is a situation of triangulation, and you are, indeed, the odd one out.

[elaine567]

On the other hand when you're in a relationship you need to keep up with relationships outside of your romantic-relationship. His girlfriend cannot be the sole center of his life. We still need to maintain our friendships, go out, have fun, chill out, without our bf-gf. That's what he does. OP has never said that he is using up some of her time on this friend. He made plans with the friends because OP cancelled on him.

 

The OP has done her bit tolerating this friendship, but now he is overstepping the mark with the length and content of what now seem like "dates".

[Gaeta]

I think it's exaggerating saying he is taking her on dates. They get together in restaurants, shopping mall and other public places. What else you want them to do? At least they are not hanging out at her house. Anything else they could do together ex: going to movies or play pool would still be perceived by most of you as a 'date'.

 

Going to restaurants is not just about romance. We do go restaurants with our friends, family and colleagues. It's a decent place to go meet a friend and catch up.

[katiegrl]

I think it's exaggerating saying he is taking her on dates. They get together in restaurants, shopping mall and other public places. What else you want them to do? At least they are not hanging out at her house. Anything else they could do together ex: going to movies or play pool would still be perceived by most of you as a 'date'.

 

Going to restaurants is not just about romance. We do go restaurants with our friends, family and colleagues. It's a decent place to go meet a friend and catch up.

 

Gaeta, I agree with you but the OP was the one who called them dates.

 

I know for me, I referred to them as "dates" because again that is what the OP referred to them as... what SHE feels they are.

 

After reading your post and then re-reading the original post, I for one would like her to clarify how often they actually get together.

 

Many months ago for five hours and then a few days ago for six hours does not an affair make IMO.

 

Now if they are getting together regularly in between those times, going to dinner, drinks etc. that is different.

 

I just don't know if he's for sure cheating anymore, until she comes back and clarifies.

Edited June 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[Poutrew]

I think it's exaggerating saying he is taking her on dates. They get together in restaurants, shopping mall and other public places. What else you want them to do? At least they are not hanging out at her house. Anything else they could do together ex: going to movies or play pool would still be perceived by most of you as a 'date'.

 

Going to restaurants is not just about romance. We do go restaurants with our friends, family and colleagues. It's a decent place to go meet a friend and catch up.

 

The thing that crashes the 'We're just friends' theory is that the girl has told him she has crush on him. She is in love with him. Would you go out with a male friend for 6 minutes let alone 6 hours, if he told you straight out that he was in love with you and saw you as girlfriend material? What do you tell your current boyfriend? That you know he (your friend) is in love with you but it's ok because you don't love him back? "We're just friends..." No, this relationship is inappropriate, and the guy knows it and is trying every trick under the sun to keep it going. I would dump this guy, the same way I'd dump a girl who was trying this crap out on me.

[Gaeta]

The thing that crashes the 'We're just friends' theory is that the girl has told him she has crush on him. She is in love with him. Would you go out with a male friend for 6 minutes let alone 6 hours, if he told you straight out that he was in love with you and saw you as girlfriend material? What do you tell your current boyfriend? That you know he (your friend) is in love with you but it's ok because you don't love him back? "We're just friends..." No, this relationship is inappropriate, and the guy knows it and is trying every trick under the sun to keep it going. I would dump this guy, the same way I'd dump a girl who was trying this crap out on me.

 

Now she's in love with Op's boyfriend ?

 

OP's words were this friend was 'interested in him'. There were no mention of her being in love with him or confessing some undying love for him. She is interested in dating him. That was in the past. Now she has a boyfriend.

[kendahke]

Just because a woman has a boyfriend/husband doesn't mean that that stops her from developing inappropriate feelings for/deciding to pursue another man. There are way too many threads on this site that pertain to just that dynamic.

 

When I tell a man "I"m interested in you" and "I see you as a potential boyfriend" that is something I don't tell some friendzoned friend I have absolutely no intention of making my boyfriend or allowing into my intimacy that way. Just because chick has a boyfriend doesn't mean that she's happy in that relationship or isn't looking for her next guy or is even the type to know what monogamy means. It also doesn't mean that she's got the integrity to do the honorable thing and break up with her man before telling other men that she's interested in them or thinks they're boyfriend potential.

 

The thing that makes this all shady is the fact that OP's boyfriend has never brought her around this chick when he hangs with her. Had he not lied and said he wouldn't go hang with her again, but went ahead and did it, I'd be more lenient in my estimation. Once he lied, his credibility went out the window.

[Gaeta]

One day Josh told me that Michelle has started showing interest in him saying things like I see you as a potential boyfriend. I was curious about what he thought about her, so I asked him if he was interested her. He told me that he wasn’t and that he wanted to keep things just at the friendship level. Over the years he kept telling me that she was still interested him but he showed no signs of being interested in her.

 

Eventually Josh and I became serious.

 

If we read closely and if we don't jump to conclusion here is what we have.

 

Years ago, when OP and her boyfriend were not yet BF and GF, this friend Michelle told OP's guy she saw him as a potential boyfriend.

 

Now we continue reading closely and she says over the years OP's boyfriend kept telling her Michelle was still interested BUT did Michelle continue telling OP's boyfriend she was interested or it's simply OP's boyfriend ASSUMING she is still interested because she is being nice.

 

Please note this Michelle moved on and is now in a relationship.

 

There is a lot of assumption in this thread.

 

YEARS ago she told him she viewed him as interesting - not that she was in love with him.

 

Over the years OP's boyfriend kept updating OP that Michelle was still interested, how so? Did she hit on him? I don't think so, if Michelle had made one small move on her boyfriend it would be all over this thread !!