Sara109 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 My boyfriend (27 years old) and I (27 years old) have been together for almost a year. We have known each other for 5 years. We hung out regularly while we were friends, so I have learned a lot about him. A few years back when were just friends, he was introduced to a girl (Michelle). Over time they became friends and started hanging out together. One day Josh told me that Michelle has started showing interest in him saying things like I see you as a potential boyfriend. I was curious about what he thought about her, so I asked him if he was interested her. He told me that he wasn’t and that he wanted to keep things just at the friendship level. Over the years he kept telling me that she was still interested him but he showed no signs of being interested in her. Eventually Josh and I became serious. My boyfriend does occasionally still go out with Michelle, which I never had a problem with him hanging out with her. I trusted him and still do. I have met her once, but never hung out with the two of them. Whenever they hang out he is always the one picking her up from her house. They would hang out for a few hours go for dinner (always have drinks together). Note *he does not drink with me as much as he drinks with her. A few months back the two of them went out for 5 hours. I’ll be honest I was pretty upset as to how long they spent together. I shared how I felt to my boyfriend, letting him that it makes me feel uncomfortable for the two of them to be together for so long. I asked him how he would feel if it was me going out with a guy for 5 hours. He told me that he never looked at it that way; putting himself in my shoes He said that he wouldn’t like that. He apologized and said that he will set a limit next time they go out. When the two of them go out it kind of sounds like a date to me (getting picked up, going out and then having dinner). What bothers me is that they go to restaurants that my boyfriend has never taken me to. It also bothers me because let’s not forget she has shown interest in him, even though she currently has a boyfriend. I was supposed to go out with my boyfriend today, but something came up and I had to cancel with him. He ended up going out with her and it is bothering me because they went out yesterday for 6 hours. He has never given me any reason to think that he would cheat on me or do anything he shouldn’t. I love him very much. It bothers me when the two of them go out. Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting. The last thing I want to do, is sound like a crazy jealous girlfriend and end up driving my boyfriend away because I cannot give him a little freedom. Part of it is that I do not have many friends, so I don’t get to do much outside our relationship other than work. I dont know what to say to him. He told me he wouldn't let it get this far. But it happened again. I would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 How often do they see each other, and who is initiating these outings? Are you ever invited to join? I would suggest a double-date and watch their reactions. On a side note, I would strongly recommend that you cultivate some friendships too, just to provide balance to your life. You mentioned you don't do much outside the relationship, which doesn't sound great regardless of his connection with his friend.
Weezy1973 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Everybody has different expectations when it comes to relationships. That being said, opposite sex friendships can damage a relationship if there are inhealthy boundaries. In this case, she had expressed, seemingly multiple times, an attraction to your boyfriend. In this case, your boyfriend should no longer hang out with her alone if he values your relationship. Full stop. Not that he's going to cheat necessarily, but there are just too many other issues here. For example 1. You feeling uncomfortable with it. And 2. Him not putting himself in your shoes (which is a flag in itself). That weakens your bond. If he continues to see her alone, you know he doesn't value your feelings. 5
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Time to step up and to put your foot down. Sure it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex BUT when in a relationship, how they spend time together needs to be adjusted. It's called setting boundaries. What he is doing is inappropriate for someone that is in a relationship especially when that other person has strong feelings for the said person that is supposed to be in a relationship and unavailable. It's not right and you must address this. If he gets very defensive, then there is more to this friendship than you think....it just might be a deal breaker. 3
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I agree with Smackie, he and she are making a fool out of you. Even if they are not having an affair, she is just waiting for you to make a slip and she will have him all to herself. He's 27 not 17 he doesn't need to "hang about" with this female friend all the time for hours, and he doesn't need to take her to restaurants on "dates" when he is not taking you to restaurants. There are female friends and female friends, but he is taking the mickey here. She is NOT some women he grew up with and has known forever and ever she is a relatively new "friend" with a crush on him. Give him an ultimatum either he chooses her or you. If he gets all uppity and chooses her, then you have not actually lost anything IMO. I suspect that they are having an affair, sorry! 3
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I agree with Smackie, he and she are making a fool out of you. Even if they are not having an affair, she is just waiting for you to make a slip and she will have him all to herself. He's 27 not 17 he doesn't need to "hang about" with this female friend all the time for hours, and he doesn't need to take her to restaurants on "dates" when he is not taking you to restaurants. There are female friends and female friends, but he is taking the mickey here. She is NOT some women he grew up with and has known forever and ever she is a relatively new "friend" with a crush on him. Give him an ultimatum either he chooses her or you. If he gets all uppity and chooses her, then you have not actually lost anything IMO. I suspect that they are having an affair, sorry! ^^Yup. And there is being a cool understanding girlfriend, and there is being foolish and blind. Of which you are the latter imo. Where there is smoke there is fire... I don't see this ending well for you at all! 1
Poutrew Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 So he gets drunk with her (you said he drinks more with her than you). He takes her out to places that he doesn't take you out to. He promised to not go out with her for 5 hours ever again, and now he is gone for 6 hours (well, he did say it wouldn't be for 5 hours, a technicality, sure). You don't explicitly say it, but I'd bet he treats you more casually, and he gets sex from you, right? You may not be married to this guy, but he is treating you like the wifey that he is cheating on. Yes, cheating on. I am a man, a man who has been on this planet for more decades than I care to admit even to myself. If your guy were me, I would tell you that I treat the other woman better than you, I expend more energy on the other woman than you, because I respect her more than I do you. I take her out to those fancy places because no price is too high to impress my girlfriend. I don't bother with you because, frankly, why should I? Why pay for the milk when the cow is already in the barn? The other woman is whom I love and get frisky with, not the old lady I leave at home to dust the furniture and mop the floor. Sorry, hun, but you are the BW and she is the OW... 1
Author Sara109 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 He tells me that he is the one initiating because she doesn't have a car and lives a little far. He tells me that they spend time together in public places such as restaurants/ bars/ shopping mall. I feel so crappy right now. I just feel like he forgets about me when he is out with her. He has told me that he is not attracted to her and that her would not date her. I do believe that because when he was single and she told him she was interested he did not act on it. I just feel like I am just on the side.
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 He tells me that he is the one initiating because she doesn't have a car and lives a little far. He tells me that they spend time together in public places such as restaurants/ bars/ shopping mall. I feel so crappy right now. I just feel like he forgets about me when he is out with her. He has told me that he is not attracted to her and that her would not date her. I do believe that because when he was single and she told him she was interested he did not act on it. I just feel like I am just on the side. He *tells* you this, he *tells*you that, the problem is your believing everything he tells you! What do his ACTIONS say? That is what you should be paying attention to, not what he *tells* you.. ugh. I am sorry you feel crappy .... this is what happens though when you start dealing with reality .... I won't tell you what to do but if this were me, I would just walk away... no fuss, no drama, just buh bye. No sense in talking cuz let's face it .... if he gave a shyt about you and what you are feeling, he would be taking YOU to restaurants, spending his free time with YOU, not taking this called *friend* to restaurants, buying drinks for hours on end, and ignoring you while doing so! 2
Lorenza Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 It would be completely unacceptable to me. Doesn't sound like they have the friends dynamic and I agree that the way they spend time together sounds like they're going on dates. I would understand if he went out with her for some beer and catch up time after time, but this is way more time and effort spent on a female friend than appropriate for a guy in a relationship. Time for you to call him out on this. Nothing in your concerns sounds crazy jealous to me. 1
Author Sara109 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 I just spoke to my boyfriend and told him how I felt about the whole thing. He apologized and told me how he lost track of time while shopping yesterday. I told him 6 hours of shopping is a little ridiculous. He said he was trying to find a fathers day gift and so was she. Apparently they only had a little bit of time to grab a quick bite. He told me that I am blowing things out of portion when I am telling him how I felt and what I would like to be changed. He really did not talk much about changing his behaviour. Rather, talking more about how I should never have to worry about him cheating on me. He apologized a few more times about losing track of time and that it was not his intention to do so. He did say that if he does reduce the time to see he in one day then he will meet up with her more frequently for shorter periods of time, to maintain his friendship. Apparently they do not do much talking through texting only face to face. He sent me a text saying he is sorry again for hurting me and that it was not his intention. Also that he cares about me very much. If I have any questions to let him know. And lastly he said that he will do his best to be a better boyfriend. I am so losttttttt. I dont know if he is telling the truth. He told me that he has no reason to hide anything from me and that he is being honest. I dont know what to believe Thanks
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Well if he were cheating, which I think he is, I would hardly expect him to admit it... His little speech is pretty typical of men who are cheating .... although not sure why he just doesn't end it with you if he would rather be with her... Unless she has a boyfriend? Or husband? Bleh...
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 He did say that if he does reduce the time to see her in one day then he will meet up with her more frequently for shorter periods of time, to maintain his friendship. Oh wow! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 5
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Oh wow! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I know, pretty outrageous, huh. Sounds like he is addicted to her, the *friendship* ......he just cannot and will not stop seeing her no matter what! Shopping for SIX hours my rear end... OP, I wish you had the strength to see this clearly and leave this bozo... Seriously girl come on now. 2
Vado Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 you wrote that you would have a date with him, but something came up and you cancelled. Maybe it would be better only having dates when you're sure, some guys get annoyed by cancelling. (unless their is an emergency reason). I see this a lot, girls cancel because there mood changed an hour ago. Besides that, I agree with you. The other girl has a boyfriend too you wrote, wonder about his opinion.
KatZee Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 He did say that if he does reduce the time to see he in one day then he will meet up with her more frequently for shorter periods of time, to maintain his friendship. Apparently they do not do much talking through texting only face to face. Wait, WHAT?!?!?! :lmao: Is this guy even SERIOUS?!?!? First of all, if they're such good FRIENDS, why on earth are you never invited along to hang with them? Why is it always a one on one thing? I'll answer. Because he doesn't want you two getting close and he doesn't want his two "situations" mixing. Listen, I have a guy friend that I've been friends with for years. I'll be honest, when we hang out together, it's often for WAY longer than even 6 hours, we'll sometimes spend a day shopping, then go out to dinner, or go to a day event (like a comic con). He's actually taken ME out to dinner tons of times, and other times I'll reciprocate and buy movie tix, etc. So it IS possible for a totally monogamous friendship between men and women. No we've never hooked up, and neither of us have ever confessed attraction or wanting to date. That being said, I don't see him every single day, there are times when I can go 2+ weeks not even seeing him or talking to him. I think it's the frequency that he needs to be around her, AND the fact he's doing things with her that he won't bother doing with you. Taking you out drinking, or dinner dates. AND not inviting you along on these outings. You DEFINITELY need to compare time spent with him vs. time he spends with her. Does he spend more time with him than you? Actions vs. words are very important here. He SAYS he's not intentionally trying to hurt you, and he doesn't want to hurt you, but his actions don't back this up. He won't stop seeing her. He won't cut back his hours with her, he'll just break up the time spent with her and see her more often, that's THE EXACT SAME THING! He DOESN'T care about your feelings, and he's going to keep doing what he wants to do since you accept it. To be honest, I wouldn't ever put up with this from a boyfriend. If I had a boyfriend who treated someone else like his girlfriend, I'd tell him to go be her boyfriend. That's a huge waste of time.
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 KZ, agree with you, but question. Was your guy friend interested in you romantically? Remember this chick told OP's boyfriend she is interested in him as more than friends. So he knows this but still insists on carrying on with her. I think this is very telling and speaks volumes as to what is really going on here..... All of us can see it....now if only OP could as well....
KatZee Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 KZ, agree with you, but question. Was your guy friend interested in you romantically? Remember this chick told OP's boyfriend she is interested in him as more than friends. So he knows this but still insists on carrying on with her. I think this is very telling and speaks volumes as to what is really going on here..... All of us can see it....now if only OP could as well.... No. See above where I wrote: So it IS possible for a totally monogamous friendship between men and women. No we've never hooked up, and neither of us have ever confessed attraction or wanting to date. I agree though, he won't stop seeing her because he doesn't want to. There's something there whether he wants to acknowledge it or not. 1
Weezy1973 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 No. See above where I wrote: So it IS possible for a totally monogamous friendship between men and women. No we've never hooked up, and neither of us have ever confessed attraction or wanting to date. I agree though, he won't stop seeing her because he doesn't want to. There's something there whether he wants to acknowledge it or not. And if he had a girlfriend that was uncomfortable with your friendship, would you be okay with less contact; or at least when you did hang out she was there too?
Lorenza Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 He did say that if he does reduce the time to see he in one day then he will meet up with her more frequently for shorter periods of time, to maintain his friendship. Is this guy serious??? So basically he's saying that the only way for him to spend less time with her...is to spend more time with her? This is hardly any compromise at all! OP, don't get fooled by this. He didn't take your worry in consideration at all. What he's giving you is the same amount of time spent with her, but in different distribution. That's not addressing the issue. The issue here is that he spends time with a female friend (who used to have a romantic interest) in date-like scenarios one on one and does things he doesn't do with you. You mentioned that this friend has a boyfriend. Why can't you all go on couples dates? Is that not enough to maintain this friendship? Something is shady here.
Dis Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Hun I'm saying this for your own good...its time to wake up and smell the coffee! He's cheating you! Like katiegrl said...you need to start listening to what his actions are saying Because for all you know anything that comes out of his mouth could be a lie (I suspect it is) A cheater will NEVER tell you they're cheating...why??? They would have to deal with the consequences....he would get an ear full from you...maybe lose the sex with you and any other convenient bonuses he gets from you....including your relationship You are allowing yourself to be a door mat here. We teach people how to treat us. You're allowing him to treat you poorly and that is on you He got defensive when you brought this up too huh???...Yup he's cheating If he wasnt cheating and he actually cared about you (doesnt seem like he does) He would admit he was out of line and stop seeing this girl all together This man doesnt care about you or the relationship Dont wait to obtain proof he's cheating to believe he is...the writing is on the wall hun You need to walk away 1
KatZee Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 And if he had a girlfriend that was uncomfortable with your friendship, would you be okay with less contact; or at least when you did hang out she was there too? He does have a girlfriend. I've met her and gone out with her. I have no problem with this as I'm not romantically linked to my male best friend. If she had been uncomfortable with the situation, I would have invited her out along with us to show her that I'm nothing but a friend and am no threat. Aside from THAT friend I have, I also had another male friend, this male friend and I WERE romantically linked in the past. He got a girlfriend, and she found out that he was into me in the past, and still somewhat hung up. Me and him are no longer friends. She told him she wasn't happy that we were friends and told him to cease the friendship. He did. 2
joseb Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Well if he were cheating, which I think he is, I would hardly expect him to admit it... His little speech is pretty typical of men who are cheating .... although not sure why he just doesn't end it with you if he would rather be with her... Unless she has a boyfriend? Or husband? Bleh... Ok, first off. Let me say I am a big defender of not cutting out friends unnecessarily just because you are in a relationship. But this situation is kinda ridiculous. Katie is right, that is exacly what someone who is cheating would say. I'm guessing they only had a quite moment to eat because the rest of the time they were banging each others brains out. And even in the unlikely event that they are not having sex, what he is doing us bang out of order, and shows zero concern for you. It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex you keep in touch with at social events, etc. It's different when you ate taking them our on dates (or maybe going to their house) for many hours, especially when you know they want to be with you. 2
Poutrew Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 There are a few things you can do assuming you don't want to break up with him. You can let him read this post in LS and our responses, but I don't think that will help much. You can get a hold of the other girls' boyfriend and ask him what his perceptions are concerning this situation, and go from there. Alternately, you can try to snoop. Look into his cell phone, and lay a key logger into his computer to see what he is really telling this girl. But, this is all a bit much considering you are just a girlfriend. It'd be easier to just tell him you are not feeling too good about his behavior, and since the only thing you can truly control is yourself, you are removing yourself from the equation...have a fulfilling life, etc. Just be glad that all you are is his GF - you could have been his wife and had his kids...
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I'm guessing they only had a quick bite to eat because the rest of the time they were banging each others brains out. That was my first thought too.
Recommended Posts