break up - is it over?

[jodielm]

I'll start with a little bit of background. We first began seeing each other September 2013. We didn't become a couple until November 2013. We didn't say we loved each other until January 2014. We took it slowly, and in July 2014 we moved in together.

 

We get on like a house on fire. He is laid back, calm, thoughtful and extremely kind. I am funny, love being silly, but definitely a little hot headed. So, the first issue we had was a female friend of his in February 2014. She had came to stay for his annual superbowl party and spent the weekend being extremely rude to me, making inappropriate comments about his/our sex life and just generally being insufferable. She even walked into his bedroom whilst we were both sleeping - part of me thinks was too see if I was in the bed or not.

 

Anyway, I asked him to talk to her about her behaviour when I left so that she wouldn't behave like that again. I left in the morning, and he told me he didn't see her the next day as she got a taxi before he woke up. He then said he was too angry at her to speak to her. About 3 months later, I am at his flat and a message pops up on his computer. He had been speaking to her but just deleting the messages and hiding them from me. I don't know the content of the messages - he assures me that it was just friendly, but what I struggled to get over was that he took my side, he told me he was too angry to speak to her and totally agreed with my anger, but had been talking to her behind my back for all this time. Instead of just dealing with it, he then deleted her and blocked her on his phone and all social media. I told him that wasn't the answer and I didn't want him to shut her out of his life, but he did it any way.

 

Now, fast forward a few more months. I'm still struggling with trusting him after that. In addition, he has struggled with gambling and other stupid lies. It is now September 2014 and my Nan has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was only 63 and she was like a mum too me. I was unbelievably close to her. We lived two hours away from her as we both met at Uni, but instantly he did everything he could to support me. He came with me every single weekend to look after her. If he was home before me he would have started dinner. When she was too sick to move by herself, he would help lift her in and out of bed. He did everything my granddad needed, my mum needed, I needed. Nothing was ever too much trouble for him.

 

There was one occasion when I wanted to talk to him about how I was feeling (as I really struggle with opening up, I always deflect with humour), he told me he didn't want to talk to me about it because it reminded him of his mum (who had been sick with breast cancer around 5 years previous). I was devastated.

 

But whilst this is happening, this girl that he just shut out of his life was not accepting it (not that I blamed her). He was talking fine then all of a sudden went out of her life. She was messaging his friends trying to get them to sort it. She started messaging me. She started calling me. I couldn't deal with her crap. I passed the phone over to him and asked him to deal with it. He told her that she had upset him at the party and he no longer wanted to be her friend, then blocked her on my phone and social medias too.

 

At this point I am furious. I could not manage to forgive him for this girl. The longer it went on, instead of just telling her at the time, the fact he hid it. I felt second best, or that maybe he wasn't sure if we would last so he didn't have a go at her just in case.

 

It is my final year of University now, May 2015. My nan is now in a hospice on morphine. She no longer remembers my name. Her brain cancer means that she cannot hold a conversation. She either never talks, or she repeats numbers or sentences over and over again. I am devastated. I still went every weekend, but I am devastated. I had always hoped she would be OK. Out of the blue, my granddad (on the other side) is taken into hospital. My family advise me to sit my exam anyway. I do, and after, he drives me the two hours to go and see him in hospital. I'm too late, he has passed away. I walked to the hospice next to the hospital, and just visit my nan for a while again.

 

I was starting to feel snowed under. I was struggling with all that was happening, and it made me angrier that I was having to deal with his baggage too. My nan died in August 2015. My granddad asked him to carry her coffin, and I thought that was so lovely because it showed how much my granddad trusted him too. I didn't deal with her death well. I had bad dreams nearly every night. I wouldn't let myself cry, so I would cry about other things like films or sad adverts over the top. I would drive to and from work, but struggle to get out of the car. Sometimes I would get home and just sit in the car for a long time, trying to sort out how I was feeling.

 

All the things he had done for me to support me whilst she was poorly like making dinner, making cups of tea, I just let him carry on doing. I didn't take my share of the responsibility back. I didn't want to go out. He would offer to take me out to dinner, he would offer to go shopping, and I would say maybe but I'd just not get ready. We had been having issues in bed. He had a low sex drive and I had quite a high one. He only wanted to have sex once a week or so. I thought this was because of me, as when we first met we had sex all the time and I was a size 8. Now I had put weight on, I was around a size 12 and suddenly he doesn't want to have sex? I know that probably wasn't the issue. But it was all that was going round in my head.

 

He asked me to move to where my nan was from as he loved my hometown. We moved in December 2015 and then it really went south. We had been on little holidays, I had taken him to Amsterdam for his birthday, but when we moved in really turned bad. He was working from home for around 5 months. I was working with my childhood best friend. We were round my family and went to the crem every Sunday so I could visit her grave. I think he started to feel isolated maybe, as he was working from home and only saw my friends or my family. He was still telling stupid lies. Everything he was doing was annoying me. I felt like I needed to go out with my friends and have a bit of space. I went out one night for dinner with them, and he said a few days later he felt I was avoiding him. He quit his job from home as he said it was making him miserable and got a new job.

 

Little arguments snowballed into massive ones. He was no longer calm, he couldn't keep his cool about anything. And I am already hot headed, so I couldn't keep calm when he lost his. I threatened to leave a few times, he threatened to leave a few times, but we always made up the next day. But a day or two later, we would be arguing again. It would start with something little and just turn into something massive.

 

I think I was harbouring resentment and trust issues. He was feeling like I was taking advantage as like I said, he would wake up in the morning and make a cup of tea for me, he would drop me off at work so that I could walk home with my friend (trying to be healthy) and then 9/10 times he would cook dinner. We were just unable to not argue. About three weeks ago, he told me he was unhappy that he was doing the majority of things around the house. I told him I was unhappy that he was still unable to be truthful even about little things. I started doing things around the house, cooking dinner and making his lunch, but refused any help from him. I started doing EVERYTHING instead, when he wanted it 50/50. I admit I was being obnoxious because I was annoyed that he had been asked numerous times by me to stop his lying, stop making promises he couldn't keep because he was destroying the trust. I was annoyed that I was doing what he asked but he wasn't doing what I asked.

 

Last Friday, we had another argument. The contract for the flat was up for renewal and we needed to sign it and give it back on Saturday. We had both been reluctant to sign it because of the arguing. During the argument, he said well I just don't think I can be here anymore, I don't think we can work it out. I thought he was just angry, so I got in my car and I drove to the crem. I was there for about 30 minutes. With driving I was gone about an hour max. I came back, and said I just went to the crem. I walked into the spare bedroom and he had packed all of his things. He had written out notice for the flat. He asked me to sign it. I signed it, and then I was upset for a little bit. Part of me thought he was bluffing though. I took the contract, I signed that too, and I gave it too him. I told him he could take either. I told him I was sorry, that I could see he had been doing a lot and that I was just angry, he was angry and we both needed to calm down and talk about where this anger was coming from as it was destroying our relationship. He said that he needed to leave, just kept repeating it.

 

The next morning we woke up, I was half expecting him to have changed his mind after sleeping on it. He told me that he needed to leave, that being with me was making him feel so low that he felt like killing himself. I was shocked. I know that we argued, and we argued frequently, but I really didn't think we had been that bad. The good we had was amazing. The arguments we had wouldn't be too bad, a bit of shouting and then a bit of quiet. Maybe a few arsey messages. I had no idea he felt so low. He had never told me. I had asked him, but he had said no. He told me that morning that was how he felt. He said he still loved me, but just didn't think we could work it out and he was too miserable about himself when he was with me, that he needed to leave and sort his head out, but even if he did he didn't think there would be an us again.

 

He handed the notice in for the flat, loaded his things up into his car and has moved in with his step brother. That was last weekend. I have three weeks to get out of this flat now. I have to move in with my granddad, which means I have to remove my nans things from her wardrobe and I'm devastated.

 

Now that he has left, I see all of the things I did to make this worse. I see all the arguments that I started, or made worse. I see that I was being obnoxious by doing it all instead of just doing it 50/50 like he asked. I was so shocked by how sad he was. I had no idea. If I had known, I would've helped it, I would never have just let him feel like that, least of all make it worse with stupid arguments.

 

I hadn't read any of the advice. I have spent pretty much all of this week apologising, telling him how sorry I am, telling him I see all I did wrong. I have admitted fault for pretty much everything I can think of.

 

I don't care about the flat. I am having to sell all of our stuff, but after him doing so much for me I feel like its OK for me to do this for him. I'm okay to sell it all and move my nans things. I'm OK sorting out the flat viewings and having to live here looking at all of our stuff, looking at everything that reminds me of him. It is so hard. Every morning I wake up and see his side of the bed and it makes my chest feel like its caving in.

 

I am genuinely from the bottom of my heart so sorry. I think it was good that he left, as otherwise I wouldn't have seen how I was destroying everything.

 

I don't know if the no contact will work for us. He talks to me pretty much every day. He said he needs time and space, but he also said he still wants to text me. I asked to see him this weekend, but he said no, and suggested we see each other next Saturday. We're also going to the Cinema on Tuesday. He has moved an hour away, but he hasn't quit his job here (yet). He just commutes for now.

 

I had been breaking the rules before this by obviously seeming needy, telling him how sorry I am and how sad I am without him. I had been telling him that I will wait for him, that work on myself, that I still love him and won't give up on him. He just kept saying that 'he hasn't changed his mind and doesn't think he will'.

 

I know it has only been a week, but I would've thought his mind would have changed at least a little by now?

 

So yesterday, after reading some of this information, I stopped talking to him. I sent him a message just basically saying that I was sorry, that I still meant everything I said, that I thought the good outweighed the bad, that it was only this last month that we had been unable to get along and I thought it as something I could work through should he feel the same. I basically made my feelings and intentions very clear, but said I would not be saying them again.

 

He text back saying he doesn't think it will change. I messaged back telling him my previous message wasn't for him to respond too, it was just something for him to consider during his time and space. He didn't message back. I didn't message him again. Two hours later he text me saying he was sorry he didn't respond and do I still want to talk on the phone later in the evening. I waited about 15 minutes and then replied saying if he wanted too then of course I did. I said I was eating my dinner. He replied saying 'you don't have too if you're with someone'. I replied saying 'no, I am alone. I'm just eating my dinner'. He then replied saying 'call me whenever'

 

I rang him after eating my dinner and we just chit chatted. I avoided the subject of the break up, I avoided going over the old issues. We just babbled about nothing in particular. He suggested we watch something together on TV. We first started talking at 7 and didn't get off the phone until around half 11. We watched two episodes of Orange is the New Black (on the phone) and only exchanged a few comments here and there, just generally watching it.

 

Previously when I went off the phone I told him I loved him every time. I didn't yesterday, I just said bye.

 

This morning I get a text and it said:

 

'Morning, I hope you slept well

 

Wanted to thank you for everything you said last night about accepting this for now.. It means the world to me that you love me so much you can give me the space I need. I love you x'

 

I've not responded yet. I'm not so sure what I should do. I can't really do no contact as we are seeing each other Tuesday (maybe Saturday, I suggested possibly not doing it). I always want him to be able to talk to me about the sadness he feels as if he is dealing with depression, I want to support him. He is my best friend, and he says I am his. I have not once gotten angry at him for leaving or blamed him. I have accepted pretty much all responsibility for this break up. He says its not all my fault, that he did things too and he never told me how he felt. We both say we wish we could go back a month and stop this.

 

Can I get him back? If so, how? I don't want to do no contact as I am his support network, but I totally acknowledge how being available makes him not realise he has truly lost me and therefore making him want me back?

 

Sorry for the long post - I just thought a full breakdown was needed as it was not a single event that changed anything. Should I even ask him to come back? I know that I want him and love him. And I know that he loves me. I know that I would change absolutely everything, I would actually tell him how I feel instead of bottling it up and letting it out over stupid things. I would change how I deal with everything to make sure I treat him the way he deserves. I am utterly ashamed that I am responsible - I have never been the bad one before. I am not using my grief as an excuse as my behaviour is my behaviour, but I am so ashamed that I neglected him. Am I even right to ask him to give me another chance?

Edited June 19, 2016 by jodielm
Typo

[bummer]

We get on like a house on fire.

 

Little arguments snowballed into massive ones.

 

I think I was harbouring resentment and trust issues.

 

I admit I was being obnoxious because I was annoyed... I was annoyed that I was doing what he asked but he wasn't doing what I asked.

 

He said that he needed to leave, just kept repeating it.

 

I had no idea he felt so low. He had never told me. ... he did he didn't think there would be an us again.

 

that he had been asked numerous times by me to stop his lying, stop making promises he couldn't keep because he was destroying the trust. I was annoyed that I was doing what he asked but he wasn't doing what I asked.

 

Now that he has left, I see all of the things I did to make this worse. I see all the arguments that I started, or made worse. I see that I was being obnoxious

 

I think it was good that he left, as otherwise I wouldn't have seen how I was destroying everything.

 

He just kept saying that 'he hasn't changed his mind and doesn't think he will'.

 

He text back saying he doesn't think it will change.

 

'Wanted to thank you for everything you said last night about accepting this for now.. It means the world to me that you love me so much you can give me the space I need. I love you x'

 

Should I even ask him to come back? I know that I want him and love him. And I know that he loves me. I know that I would change absolutely everything, I would actually tell him how I feel instead of bottling it up and letting it out over stupid things. I would change how I deal with everything to make sure I treat him the way he deserves. I am utterly ashamed that I am responsible - I have never been the bad one before. I am not using my grief as an excuse as my behaviour is my behaviour, but I am so ashamed that I neglected him. Am I even right to ask him to give me another chance?

 

I think you answer yourself in this thread. A house on fire becomes a pile of ashes if you don't put out the fire.

 

If you can't respect limited contact friendship and want to run back into a relationship, you need to go no contact. You will get hurt. He's pulling away and you need to accept its over and maybe you'll be some form of friend or you must go NC. Sorry.

 

Take the next few months to grieve your nan properly on your own. Reflect on what's in your head. Why would you be obnoxious to someone you loved? When you have more.clarity for your actions, consider your options. Try to change those things you say you need to change. But take your time and do it on your own. He will certainly take his time too.

[Satu]

snip

Little arguments snowballed into massive ones. He was no longer calm, he couldn't keep his cool about anything. And I am already hot headed, so I couldn't keep calm when he lost his. I threatened to leave a few times, he threatened to leave a few times, but we always made up the next day. But a day or two later, we would be arguing again. It would start with something little and just turn into something massive.

 

 

 

"When all the words have been said, there are no more words to be said."

 

You have both indulged in too much harsh speech.

 

Too much swinging of your verbal swords.

 

The result of that is always two people who can't stand to look at each other.

 

For there to be any hope of moving forward, you'd both need to make a commitment to non-violent communication, and to being respectful even when you're angry.

 

Find the peaceful place inside yourself.

 

Relate to other people from that place.

 

 

Take care.

[jodielm]

Do I cancel the meet up for Tuesday? He said he wants to meet and we are going to the cinema. I have backed off since yesterday. I'm at a total loss. He has done the right thing leaving, and we love each other deeply. We connect and agree about almost everything. He just doesn't think we won't stop arguing if we get back together and I can understand that fear and why he wouldn't want to come back to that because I don't want that either.

[Satu]

Do I cancel the meet up for Tuesday? He said he wants to meet and we are going to the cinema. I have backed off since yesterday. I'm at a total loss. He has done the right thing leaving, and we love each other deeply. We connect and agree about almost everything. *He just doesn't think we won't stop arguing if we get back together and I can understand that fear and why he wouldn't want to come back to that because I don't want that either.

 

He has a very justifiable concern.

 

I'm going to quote my self-penned personal motto to you now, and I hope you will spend some time reflecting on it.

 

 

"I only give the best of myself to others; the less than best, I work on in my own time."

 

 

That means if I'm angry, I deal with it. If I'm feeling frustrated, I deal with it. If I'm having a bad day, I deal with it. If I'm tired, I deal with it. Etc.

 

This approach has been 100% successful for me.

 

Relationships are for experiencing joy, not for experiencing endless petty conflicts.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 19, 2016 by Satu

[jodielm]

I agree. I suppose the only reason I am not as concerned as he is is because I know it was my fault. It was not in his nature to cause conflict. He sometimes exacerbated it, but never caused. He would irritate me in some way with his behaviour, but rather than letting it go I would say, 'why have you done that'

He never did that too me. And I'm sure that's because he chose not too, rather than I just did nothing wrong at all.

 

Now that I can see that and see that I did it to him, I know I need to make the conscious decision to not mention every little thing. My problem was that I let out every annoyance and not my feelings. He expressed his love but not his pain. We both kept in very important things that would have helped each other work on this. So it is easier for me to see a happier us as I know 90% of this arguing issuing rests with me. I just don't know how to express that in a way more than words? At the end of the day, words are cheap. But without being with him to show him I am letting it go and caring more about his inner feelings, how do I show it with actions so that he can at least start picturing the future we both know we want?

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't meet up to go to the cinema together. It will hurt like hell when you have a nice night but he still wants to remain broken up.

 

He doesn't want you to show him that you've changed, not right now. Give him space and time alone.

[jodielm]

You're right. Deep down I know that. It's just he has said he wants too and is looking forward to it. I'm concerned if I cancel, he'll think I'm blowing hot and cold like I did before and I think it's important for me to be consistent right now.

[Satu]

 

Now that I can see that and see that I did it to him, I know I need to make the conscious decision to not mention every little thing. *My problem was that I let out every annoyance and not my feelings. He expressed his love but not his pain. We both kept in very important things that would have helped each other work on this. So it is easier for me to see a happier us as I know 90% of this arguing issuing rests with me. I just don't know how to express that in a way more than words? At the end of the day, words are cheap. But without being with him to show him I am letting it go and caring more about his inner feelings, how do I show it with actions so that he can at least start picturing the future we both know we want?

 

*To really overcome that you have to start working creatively with your own feelings. Learn how to deal with anger, frustrations, irritability, etc. You got into a pickle because didn't know how to deal with them. Without that knowledge, things begin to pile up, and it all gets too much.

 

But it's not as hard as you might think.

 

Whenever you experience the feelings that caused you to be argumentative, say this to yourself:

 

 

"These are my feelings, and I take responsibility for them."

 

 

Say it aloud.

 

 

Then go to a quiet place and deeply reflect on what you're feeling.

 

Ask yourself what you need to do to resolve the issue.

 

Get a notebook and write about whats happening inside you.

 

If you're angry, stamp your feet and shout, but don't shout at anyone. Do some exercise, work up a sweat. Let the anger flow through you and out of you. it's ok to feel anger, don't resist it, but don't inflict it on somebody else.

 

Delete demeaning and insulting words from your vocabulary. Find better and more peaceful ways of saying what you need to say.

 

I recommend this book:

 

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion, by Marshall B Rosenberg.

 

"Nonviolent communication is based on the idea that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and only resort to violence or behavior that harms others when they don't recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs. Habits of thinking and speaking that lead to the use of violence (psychological and physical) are learned through culture. NVC theory supposes all human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs and that these needs are never in conflict. Rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash. NVC proposes that if people can identify their needs, the needs of others, and the feelings that surround these needs, harmony can be achieved."

 

Those are my best suggestions for you.

 

 

If they don't appeal, look for something that does.

 

 

Take care.

[jodielm]

I will definitely look into that. I think doing some reading will do me some good right now anyway, as a distraction. So a self-help book about anger will be really good for me. I have considered the gym as an outlet but I am very self conscious. Whilst I recognise that I'm not massive, after always being a very slim size 8 I can't seem to get over this feeling of unattractiveness with my new shape. And that is cycle I can't break as I'm too self conscious to go to the gym and make a difference. I feel like I have been trapped by this inability to help myself.

 

It must have been hard for him dealing with me feeling like this about myself. It must have been so hard for him to love me the way that I have been acting and feeling. It only makes me feel guiltiest that he invested so much time and love in someone who did not appreciate it at the time. I'm so worried that it is now too late.

[bummer]

I have considered the gym as an outlet but I am very self conscious. Whilst I recognise that I'm not massive, after always being a very slim size 8 I can't seem to get over this feeling of unattractiveness with my new shape. And that is cycle I can't break as I'm too self conscious to go to the gym and make a difference. I feel like I have been trapped by this inability to help myself.

 

Go for a walk. Just stand up, put on shoes and step outside. Go as far as feels good until your mind wanders back home and asks you to return. Don't take money or your phone. Just walk.

 

If you find it hard to self motivate, research walking clubs or meet up groups nearby. Triple benefit of new friends, forced motivation (you sign up and feel obligated to attend), and exercise! Act now as you finish reading. Not tomorrow or later this week. Now.

[jodielm]

Hi all! Just a quick update.

 

We did see each other Tuesday. We had a really lovely night and were very close to each other. We were talking Wednesday and getting on really well. We started chatting about how he was feeling about us and I asked if whilst we weren't together, he was wanting to see other people.

 

He instantly changed his mood. He said I would only ask that if I wanted to see other people. I explained that I really didn't want too, and it's not that I even want him too, it was just a thought as spending time with someone else might help give him a bit of clarity. Especially as he isn't talking to anyone about our break up, he's told his family we aren't together but not why and not how he is feeling.

 

This carried on through Thursday, he was adamant thaf I wanted to see other people and that maybe he only felt that way because of the distance, maybe it was because we weren't secure. So he said that there was no way we could work it out because dealing with this was too hard, the seeing if it will work out part wasn't working for him so how would seeing each other in general and being in a long distance relationship

 

So we met up yesterday in a neutral location between both of our cities. He told me he doesn't love me anymore. He prefers living alone. He prefers being alone. He likes not having someone else to worry about. He is happier without me he said.

 

I won't lie. It was like a knife through my chest. I thought when we broke up, the situation was that we both loved each other and wanted to be together, but weren't sure if we could resolve our differences to be as happy as we wanted to be again.

 

I asked him why he didn't tell me he didn't love anymore sooner. He said he 'wasn't certain' that he didn't.

 

That kills me. How can you be with someone and look at them, thinking to yourself do I love them or do I not?

 

It has turned my idea of our relationship, his love for me and this breakup on its head. Not only does he not love me but he is happy that I'm gone. We've not spoke since we left each other yesterday. I want to talk to him, but in fairness I don't have anything to say. There isn't really anything to say to someone who doesn't love you anymore. It's just awful being filled with so much love and so much pain and not being able to express it, because the person you want to give your love too doesn't feel the same anymore.