Cannot stop thinking about this situation, not sure what to do...

[Pierian]

I have been seeing this girl for 5 months. Everything has felt great so far, we see each other about 3 times a week. She stays over at my place all the time, we go to a lot of restaurants, have sex, now planning to travel together.

 

We never had the "are we official" conversation. It felt right, she said "she really likes me and she is not seeing other guys". So I haven't asked her "are we exclusive?" or brought it up.

 

Now we are planning to travel to Europe in a couple of weeks, for a short holiday together. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that she still has Tinder on her phone (on the first page of her phone screen) and she got a notification came up, a message from someone. When we started seeing each other, she told me that she was on Tinder last year. Went on a few dates before she met me, nothing happened, and she hasn't been using it.

 

Now I am a bit confused and quite upset. I am not sure what to do...

 

I had a chat with her last night, I told her how I feel about our relationship without bringing up the Tinder issue. I told her how much I care about her, and I really like her a lot. I want to make her happy, it has been really great spending time together in the past 5 months. How special she is to me. I asked her if she sees me as her boyfriend, she said yes, and she really likes me, she doesn't "want to label things", she enjoys "hanging out with me a lot, just want to take things slow" (her exact words), she told me that it takes time for her to open up to people. She said let's just go with the flow, it has been great.

 

I don't know how to approach her with the Tinder situation. I don't want to add pressure on her, or sound like I am jealous or insecure. I wish I was that strong, it does upset me, especially if we are going to travel together. I don't want to hold back from loving and caring about someone, now whenever we do something nice together, I cannot stop thinking about it. And what could the Tinder notifications mean? Could it be someone who she was in contact with 6 months ago texting her again?

 

I want to make this relationship work. I don't know what would be the right thing to do.

Edited June 19, 2016 by Pierian

[elaine567]

After 5 months of dating and she still doesn't want to "label things" is a huge problem for you, as you seem to be all in here.

You have to bring up exclusivity as all this about how she enjoys hanging about with you, sounds just a little casual to me, without even considering the added complication of the Tinder stuff.

You have to clarify your position, before you get in any deeper.

[Pierian]

I have asked her twice about whether she is seeing anyone else about 4 months in. She said she isn't.

 

The second time she asked me why I kept on bringing it up, as if I don't trust her.

 

At moment I have no idea what to do or say to her.

 

Some parts of me saying perhaps I should not say anything, just continue to spend time with her and care about her, make sure that we always have good times together. Then maybe she will delete the app out of her own conscience.

 

On the other hand, it will be hard not to say anything, the time that we spend together will be shadowed with the thought that she is still on Tinder.

 

I really don't know what to do...

[Grapesofwrath]

I would suggest being honest with her, as you have been with us. Let her know you care about her and want the relationship to continue. Tell her that you saw the Tinder alert on her phone--without snooping. It was just there--and this raised a red flag for you. Let her know this is why you are asking, not because of general jealousy issues.

 

I'd also mention that, if she wants to explore other options, she is free to do that, but you'd prefer if it were out in the open.

[Pierian]

Could this be a sign that she is not interested?

 

Or considering the Tinder issue, perhaps it's not a relationship that can be built on mutual trust?

 

I have never used Tinder before, is this a big red flag? We are planning to travel together in a couple of weeks. Now I am just really confused.

[preraph]

You have no grounds to approach her about Tinder. You have not asked her to be exclusive with you. She at one time said she was only seeing you, but you did not tell her you only wanted to see her and be mutually exclusive. Before you go on this trip, why not just stop being jealous for a minute and realize she's "just dating" at the moment because there has been no commitment from you. Go on a date, and tell her, "We've been seeing each other for quite a while, and I feel like I want us to be exclusive. How do you feel about that?" But realize she could be dating others and it might not be the best time for her to end something there. But probably she's keeping options open because you haven't asked her to be exclusive.

 

Unless, of course, you've been buying her lavish things and trips and she's using you for your money, which only you would know.

[Pierian]

When I asked her if she was seeing anyone else, I also told her that I am not seeing other people.

 

Since we are going to travel together. I am wondering if it is good to make sure and be clear. At the same time I don't want to make her feel like she is pressured. I wish I was that strong and pretend that I didn't see anything, Tinder notifications. Of course it would make me upset and confused.

[Emilia]

Just put your big boy pants on and talk to her already!

[Pierian]

Just spoke to her about exclusivity, she deleted the app at dinner. It was some old notifications from contacts months ago before she met me.

 

She was thinking I might be seeing other girls. So glad that I asked her.

 

Thanks so much for your replies. I really appreciate it.

 

Honesty really goes a long way in relationships. One should never be too unsure to communicate.

 

Thanks again.

[grays]

The tinder notifications could be from people she matched with months ago that she's never talked to.