Can I handle it differently this time? - Or do I have to hurt like usual

[truem]

Hi Guys,

 

I have a lot of thoughts going in my mind and I really would appreciate some feedback. I've been on the forums before years back during a particularly rough breakup that took me a couple years to fully heal from but I couldn't find my username from back then. I'll try and keep it short and I appreciate any feedback on my situation.

 

Long story short: We broke up on Monday with my GF of 4.5 years, we have lived together for last 3. The actual moment came as a shock to me but mostly because I never thought she could do it (personality wise). After having a few days to process it and grieve I really believe it's the best thing for us as well as our long standing problems were never going to go away. We were lacking in the sexual and intellectual connections departments and it just wasn't going to get better. A ton of our fights were about no sex (my problem, she was fine with it) and how we never 'hung out or talked' (both our problems). I'm a science/technology/current events person and she is a Reiki, tarot, astrology person. We just couldn't connect meaningfully.

 

We loved each other dearly and still do but understand that the best thing is to part now instead of dragging it on as it only gets harder. For the last 2 years I've thought I should just accept what we have is 'good enough' but it just built up and I lashed out in ways I'm not proud (withholding emotional love when I didn't get physical for example). We were roommates at the end who spent every waking moment together except we bickered, fought, and just lashed out so often it wasn't healthy.

 

Our relationship started when we were both at pretty dark times in our lives and we helped each other immensely become better people and get to a better place. We are both definitely leaving this much better people than when we entered. We may have stayed together longer than we should because we didn't want to be alone and didn't want to give up what we had built.

 

Ok that's enough of that. Let's assume that we are done/done. I've been here before and I know how hope can torment you and I know all of the steps to get to the end. My big question is does it have to be like all the other breakups? We both recognize that we have to move on and this is going to be hard enough for both of us at it is. Going cold turkey NC doesn't even seem fully necessary at this point (but will be needed soon). We still have our apt together that we have to split up and she has to move out which will take another couple weeks unfortunately.

 

I've read and read so many threads and websites about breakups for the last week and I don't feel like I'm in the 'sheer panic' or 'I'm going to die from this pain' mode nor will I be (aside from those grief moments that catch me off guard). I almost feel like following the guides that I used during past breakups might almost make this one worse this time. I don't hate her, she was honest, caring, and kind during the whole breakup. I really want to look back and be proud of how I handled myself in a mature and dignified way which would be the first time for me. If we are going to be friends some day that'll happen or not happen, I can't be worried about that right now. I'm going to therapy to work on the issues that allowed me to stay in an unhappy relationship for 3 extra years and really trying to grow as a person, not just crawl to the healing finish line. I'm doing this for me, not to win her back in any way.

 

Perhaps it's just due to the fact that most people don't write or post about the average or not so bad breakups but I'm having trouble finding situations I relate to and it worries me that I'm being delusional and I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that this isn't as bad as it is. Honestly I know that the separation is going to hurt, and that when either of us start dating it's REALLY going to hurt but that's to be expected.

 

Summary: Do I have to be distraught? Do breakups get easier, especially when you can see it's for the right reasons? Do you think I'm nuts and about to crash farther than most people by taking this route? I can't believe how much I just wrote!

[Giggles666]

// Honestly I know that the separation is going to hurt, and that when either of us start dating it's REALLY going to hurt but that's to be expected.//

 

This is why people suggest "No Contact" this way you will not dwell or know when she moves on.

 

As for the intellectual differences, they aren't going to change, so as much as saying goodbye can suck, you seem to get it.

 

Best of luck

Edited June 18, 2016 by Giggles666

[whatnot]

No two breakups are alike.

[truem]

Ya I am just having trouble looking at this situation from an unbiased position and was hoping to hear some outside opinions. Thanks to those that have replied so far.

[Trinity7]

I do think it's possible to have this breakup be "easier" or at least less traumatic than past ones. I've actually been wondering what exactly makes a breakup horrific or not.

 

I've had 4 biggie breakups in my life (I'm 35).. First one I ended, second one I got dumped for the first time and was a mess for a year, third one was my most serious relationship-- together 3 years, living together 2 and I got over that one fairly quickly for similar reasons to yours, 4th one was a week ago after only 4 months together and I am taking it harder than I can remember doing in the past. So yah, definitely different factors in how hard a breakup hits and in WHERE it hits you, regardless of length or intensity of the relationship.

 

It'd be hard to pinpoint the exact factors that make some breakups easier or harder than others, but the ones I've discovered for myself are whether or not it triggers deeper issues such as abandonment, whether or not it was a slow growing apart/realization of incompatibility or a total shocking blindside, whether or not you hope for reconciliation and thus hold out hope, and whether or not you feel guilt or shame about your behavior during the relationship and immediately following the breakup. I'm sure I thought of more, but that's all that's coming to my fried brain at the moment

 

So anyway, I don't think you're deluding yourself at all in thinking you may get through this one more easily than ones in the past! You don't have any guilt or anger about how you guys interacted during the relationship, it doesn't seem to have triggered any deeper rooted issues in you, it wasn't a shocking and surprising end, and you both know you don't want to reconcile. So yah, I say go with it and don't overthink it! Over analyzing is a big problem of mine and it can definitely make mountains out of mole hills.

 

That's not to say you'll escape totally unscathed, you love the girl, but you'll probably feel more melancholy than devastated. Wistful, not desperate and panicked. Stay confident in the choices you guys made together, and give yourself some space and time before attempting friendship or whatnot. I think you'll be ok!

[truem]

I appreciate the well though out reply. I do have some abandonment issues which is why I didn't instantly see this as a positive. Aside from my crippling fear of being alone I don't see any reason that could keep us together.

[bubbaganoosh]

You can make it easy or hard. If your splitting up and there was no major conflict like cheating and that sort of thing, then I think you can let go and keep in contact.

 

I mean who knows. Maybe being apart for a while things could change and both of you can get on common ground.

[tomatome]

I'll say a few things myself as I am wondering whether to go NC or not in another thread, although in my case I can sense some emotional danger for myself from the ex. I agree with the others that as long as there is no lingering resentment, anger or desire, you may be in the clear. Do prioritize yourself and maintain personal boundaries if you feel it's necessary. The only thing I would add is that you may want a cooling off period where you are away from her and in minimal contact. Time would give you maybe more perspective and you might uncover that you may not want to have anything further to do with her.

 

I went out with someone for six months, she said it wasn't working and I agreed. We didn't talk for a few months before hanging out again as friends. That was ten years ago and we still talk once in awhile in professional circles, maybe once a year or so. She lives with her boyfriend and I am happy for her.

[truem]

Yeah I know once she's moved out we will need some no contact, this scares her but at this point her needs shouldn't trump mine.

 

Overall an incredibly tough weekend.

[Trinity7]

Yeah I know once she's moved out we will need some no contact, this scares her but at this point her needs shouldn't trump mine.

 

Overall an incredibly tough weekend.

 

I'm sorry Yes, gotta do what's best for you in those early days. Unfortunately (but I guess also fortunately) those of us that have been through this before know what to expect and what might minimize the pain.