I want to be with her but it's complicated and my family don't like her. What should

June 21, 2016

Maybe child services should get involved. Obviously she is not capable of raising this child in a proper environment. She shouldn't "worry" about herself, she should be worrying what best for her damn child. I agree there are services she can take advantage of, and safe places are provided, like a woman's shelter. NO MORE EXCUSES

June 21, 2016

I think that she has come to see that this is not a suitable environment for her or her child and therefore is trying to escape but I think that she needs advice and guidance and that is why I have suggested she goes to a domestic abuse charity. I think she is overwhelmed with everything and needs someone with expert knowledge and experience to help guide her through the process of leaving.

I have made it clear to her that if and when we are together if I have any concerns about her child's welfare then I will speak out and alert the authorities if needs be.

If you see this child on the 6 o'clock news. God forbid something bad happens like we see all the time. Father shook child or child chocked to dead while under the care of his father................how will you feel?

You're protecting an adult woman over a defenseless 4 year old child.

What does that say about you?

June 21, 2016

This girl was abused by her parents as a child. She is disconnected from family because of this, has no means of supporting herself and she hitches a ride with an abusive man. How many times have we seen this very scenario, and how many times does it end badly? She has only known abuse in her lifetime so, despite the fact that most moms will show their claws when their children are being abused, I sincerely believe she simply isn't equipped to make good decisions when it comes to this kind of thing.

The best thing you could ever do for her and her child is to report the abuse. Then a decision will be forced upon her that would most likely be to her benefit.

However much I feel for this girl, I must say that by being with her, you're inviting a lifetime of drama. She needs lots of therapy and help and it will take years for her to stop gravitating toward the abuse and drama. If I were you, I'd see to it that she got help and then I'd disappear from her life. You don't need this in your life. It's all very sad but you must make good decisions about your future.

As I said to someone else recently, don't ever forget that who you invite into your life, and who you invite into your bed, will determine the quality of your life.

Edited June 21, 2016 by bathtub-row

June 21, 2016

This sounds like a very serious case of child abuse/ child neglect. Safeguarding this child is the priority. Contact social services immediately.

June 21, 2016

Btw, I don't like the sound of your girlfriend either. She's aware that her own child is being abused but she voluntarily leaves her child with the abuser. It makes no difference the fact that the perpetrator happens to be his father. She is abusing her own son by permitting this situation to happen.

You're 27 but I think you really need to realise why your parents don't like Your girlfriend. There's a very good reason it seems. A reason that is staring you in the face, you're just not seeing it right now.

June 21, 2016

She's just using men to survive. I usually don't take too seriously what a parent feels about their kid's lover because they all have a distorted view of the worth of their child (which is nice) but in this case, the signs are obvious. Find a new woman whose life isn't as complicated and who seems to know what she wants and has a full time job.

June 28, 2016

I must admit that I'm starting to give up on her and push her away as on the one hand she says she desperately wants to leave but on the other she doesn't seem to be taking any action whatsoever. Here I am looking at flats and working out a budget for her to make it easier for her but she doesnt seem to be doing her fair share of the donkey work. Having seen a photo and heard a lot about the abuse and neglect I feel like contacting social services as I feel that she is putting her child at risk by not taking action despite knowing what is happening.

I feel like saying to her that if she really loved her son then she would be moving heaven and earth to escape. She accepts that abuse is happening but is doing nothing so it makes me feel like she is as guilty as him. She also seems to sleep a hell of a lot as well which makes me think that she is severely depressed. She often sleeps all day. It's getting to the point where I half wish social services would go in and tell her to leave or be faced with having a child put in care.

She is also now wasting money on a weight loss programme which provides milkshakes. I feel like making it to her clear that whilst I understand she wants to lose weight I will not be allowing any of my money to pay for this as I don't think it's a priority expense right now.

I'm sorry for venting but it's just so frustrating to see her not protecting an innocent child despite being given plenty of information about who can help her.

June 28, 2016

Three adults who know that a small child is being raised in an abusive environment.

And not one of them is actually doing a dang thing about it.

Honestly? Shame on all three of you.

June 29, 2016

Three adults who know that a small child is being raised in an abusive environment.

And not one of them is actually doing a dang thing about it.

Honestly? Shame on all three of you.

That is why I said that I feel like contacting social services. As I believe that I have given her more than enough time to show that she is taking action to protect her child and yet she is doing nothing. It seems to be all words and no action. Therefore I feel that it's up to me to take action to protect her child by alerting the authorities. I have got to the point where I wouldn't care if I lost her as a friend if it meant that her child was safe.

June 29, 2016

She says that she doesn't want to go to a shelter because she would be away from her family and doesn't want her son living in one. However my believe is that if she is in one she may be able to save up money and plan her future whilst having a bit of breathing space.

She claims to know what she is doing and wants to do things her way, but her way is to save money then rent a flat. Which appears to be a long way of doing things. I have suggested to her that she gets advice and starts planning now whilst saving money so that as soon as she has enough she can leave but it seems to be falling on deaf ears.

Her method doesn't seem to be the quickest way out of this situation and all the while her child is suffering. It is so frustrating that she knows her child is suffering yet she seems to want to take the long road rather than the quickest route out of there.

Am I the only one to think that she is failing to protect her child by refusing to get advice and support from organisations.

June 29, 2016

She says that she doesn't want to go to a shelter because she would be away from her family and doesn't want her son living in one.

She is a liar or dummer than dumb.

She won't be living permanently in a shelter, it will be a transition place. There they will assist her in finding an apartment and provide her with furniture, food, clothes and everything she'll need to start new in her new apartment. Shelters have funding they will give her a down payment on a new place.

Her child is being abused every day of the week and she worries about being away from her family for 1 week, or her son being in a shelter for 1 week!!!!. Do you see where her judgement is completely off chart. Like I said she is a liar or she is an uncaring, irresponsible, unreliable mother...and that's the woman you picked for yourself? That's the woman you'd trust with your own children?

June 29, 2016

I don't know what country you live in but in all of western countries there are programs and shelters for women wanting to leave their abusive dead beat husband-boyfriend.

I don't know what it's like where you are, but here, Gov't funding cuts have dramatically reduced the amount of beds available for women running from domestic abuse.

From this document about domestic violence service gap.

"Inadequate funding means 423 people are turned away from homelessness services every night; and at least 2,800 women fleeing domestic violence are turned away each year"

So while we do have domestic abuse refuges, there aren't nearly enough. Don't make assumptions based on the fact she hasn't gone to a refuge.

June 29, 2016

She is a liar or dummer than dumb.

She won't be living permanently in a shelter, it will be a transition place. There they will assist her in finding an apartment and provide her with furniture, food, clothes and everything she'll need to start new in her new apartment. Shelters have funding they will give her a down payment on a new place.

Her child is being abused every day of the week and she worries about being away from her family for 1 week, or her son being in a shelter for 1 week!!!!

Does anyone know how long she is likely to have to spend in a shelter and whether any of the charities in the UK offer financial assistance with deposits etc.

She has also been told today that she has been overpaid £1000+ in housing benefits and as a result her rent and tax has increased and now she is saying that she will have to use the £400 she originally saved up to pay for a deposit on a new flat and won't be able to leave her current flat until she has made sure everything is paid as she doesn't want to get into debt.

I can't believe that she is just going to roll over and pay the money back without even considering whether she can challenge it. I keep telling her to go to citizens advice first to see if she has a case to prevent having to pay it back. She has been very hostile today and when I asked her about it she said 'you don't need to know as it isn't affecting you, you don't live with me'.

Also she doesn't seem to see that her partner is financially abusing her by insisting he pay for super fast virgin broadband (200 Mbps) and the latest games console and games. To me this appears to be a sneaky way of ensuring that he doesn't have enough money to help pay the bills. He is spending all his money on luxuries whilst she is left to pay for the essentials. It's hard not to say 'wake up can't you see what he is doing'.

Is it just me or is she being a bit dumb as surely if she leaves her current flat then she may only have to pay an exit fee and possibly a few other costs associated with ending her tenancy contract and nothing else.

I'm pretty sure if she did some digging then either the government (both local and national) or an organisation would be able to provide financial assistance of some sort.

It just seems like excuse after excuse recently and it's frustrating as stuck in the middle of this mess is a poor vulnerable child who deserves to be safe and happy and yet his mother is putting money first and not investigating her options. I feel she needs to get advice and support rather then sitting there getting all stressed trying to deal with this alone and taking her anger out on me as that isn't helping her or her child.

Edited June 29, 2016 by rh205

June 29, 2016

Put the above into google for your local area. Select the option for "child under immediate risk".

You keep saying "I feel like doing this...". Please stop just feeling and instead DO something. If something happens to this child, you will be indicated.

Also, I'm curious: why do you want to be in a relationship with a child abuser? Would you be happy to have your own children with this woman?

You're not seeing sense. Please don't ruin your life.

June 29, 2016

Ps. Any accommodation temporary or otherwise is safer for this child.

June 29, 2016

Does anyone know how long she is likely to have to spend in a shelter and whether any of the charities in the UK offer financial assistance with deposits etc.

Who cares how long she'd have to stay in a shelter !!!! as a parent I'd sleep under a tree infidelity to assure my child is safe! She cannot afford to be picky!! It's her child physical and emotional safety at risk here!! how can she ask how long she'd have to stay there?? She will stay there as long as necessary to get herself back on her feet!!

June 29, 2016

Who cares how long she'd have to stay in a shelter !!!! as a parent I'd sleep under a tree infidelity to assure my child is safe! She cannot afford to be picky!! It's her child physical and emotional safety at risk here!! how can she ask how long she'd have to stay there?? She will stay there as long as necessary to get herself back on her feet!!

I quite agree. I would sleep under a tree as well if it was my child.

It's so frustrating as she is putting money first instead of the health and well being of her child. She doesn't seem to understand that the charities will help with resettlement and I bet that because the large majority of women that turn to them have suffered financial abuse and are therefore penniless they would have some money ring-fenced to help pay for things like deposits. After all isn't that what resettlement is all about in that they help you get back on your feet leading a financially independent life in new place.

Her saying that she can't leave now because they have to pay back the housing benefit got me thinking. I remember when we were budgeting to work out how much she could afford in rent and service charges I asked how much she got in benefits and she was very vague and said that her partner dealt with that and hid the paperwork away from her. I asked her if she could ask him but she said no as he would start asking questions if she asked or looked for the paperwork. Therefore surely if she left she could argue that because he controlled the finances and hid the paperwork from her she couldn't realistically be expected to have been aware of the over payment and therefore he should service the debt.

June 29, 2016

It's so frustrating as she is putting money first instead of the health and well being of her child.

Why do you associate with her at all? I would never in a million year date a man that neglects his children and no chance in hell I'd date one that let his little kid being abused.

June 29, 2016

It's so frustrating as she is putting money first instead of the health and well being of her child. .

It's so frustrating you are here thinking this thinking that and STILL DIDNT DO ANYTHING, neither help the child or leave her

June 29, 2016

I don't know really but I'm close to cutting ties with her as she clearly isn't doing anything to help her or her child.

She says that she wants to do things her way and doesn't like asking for help or money but unfortunately I think that she needs to understand and accept that she can't do it on her own and probably won't ever be able to save enough money to escape and therefore she needs to go and get help. I think she needs to realise that her way isn't working and possibly won't ever work and therefore for the benefit of her child she needs outside help.

June 30, 2016

I don't know really but I'm close to cutting ties with her as she clearly isn't doing anything to help her or her child.

She says that she wants to do things her way and doesn't like asking for help or money but unfortunately I think that she needs to understand and accept that she can't do it on her own and probably won't ever be able to save enough money to escape and therefore she needs to go and get help. I think she needs to realise that her way isn't working and possibly won't ever work and therefore for the benefit of her child she needs outside help.

I am leaning toward she is simply a liar. She has no intention of leaving. She is playing you and stringing you along. Half of this is a fabrication to keep you in the loop. Do yourself a favor and cut all tie. I assure you next year she will still be there and she'll have another fish to play her little emotional games with.

June 30, 2016

I am leaning toward she is simply a liar.

I must admit I'm beginning to think that too. I mean surely she would be moving heaven and earth to escape from this man to protect her child. The help is out there she just has to go find it. I did tell her a few weeks ago that by staying social services may see her as an accessory to child abuse by staying over her sister's house whilst knowing what is happening back home and therefore treat her as guilty as him.

As for the housing benefit over payment I can't believe that they aren't going to citizens advice to get information about appealing it. After all how many people on here would willingly pay out £1000+ without questioning it.

I just want her to go and get help for the sake of her child and if she refuses then that's it I will call social services.

June 30, 2016

Exactly!

OP ask her if they are still sleeping in the same bed.

LOL.

Like lying cheaters ever tell the truth.

June 30, 2016

She says that she doesn't want to go to a shelter because she would be away from her family and doesn't want her son living in one. However my believe is that if she is in one she may be able to save up money and plan her future whilst having a bit of breathing space.

She claims to know what she is doing and wants to do things her way, but her way is to save money then rent a flat. Which appears to be a long way of doing things. I have suggested to her that she gets advice and starts planning now whilst saving money so that as soon as she has enough she can leave but it seems to be falling on deaf ears.

Her method doesn't seem to be the quickest way out of this situation and all the while her child is suffering. It is so frustrating that she knows her child is suffering yet she seems to want to take the long road rather than the quickest route out of there.

Am I the only one to think that she is failing to protect her child by refusing to get advice and support from organisations.

All you do is talk about how you FEEL you 'should' call protective services and threaten that you're 'going to call' - and then you don't do squat.

Man the hell up and do the right thing.

Quite obviously, the only one you truly care about is yourself and how you can have your happily ever after with this lying hot mess you keep thinking is a good match for you.

June 30, 2016

Oh geez.

Op there is a reason your family doesn't like her.

You are 27.

You should know better than to play white knight to a woman .

Never try to fix a woman.

It leads to you getting screwed over.

She needs to fix herself because who wants a broken woman?

Tell her to contact you when she is no longer living under the same roof as the guy.

I've met way to many women over the yrs in the same situation.

Most times its a fabricated scenereo by the woman in order to get attention and convince herself its OK to cheat.

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