I want to be with her but it's complicated and my family don't like her. What should

June 18, 2016

I’m 27 years old, live with my parents and work full time. My girlfriend is 28, has a four year old child, works 24 hours a week and claims benefits due to her low income. We’ve been dating for over a year now although we originally met and dated nine years ago but parted ways due to life circumstances but kept in contact on Facebook. She currently lives with her ex fiance (the father) who neglects his child and is emotionally abusive to her. He doesn’t work and spends all day and night on his Xbox. She is saving up for a deposit on a flat but because of her low income can only save £200 a month. Her ex doesn’t know about me but she constantly tells him it is over, avoids him and pushes him away. He doesn’t seem to think there’s is anything wrong despite the obvious signs of problems that any normal person would easily spot.

Is there anything she can say or do to make him accept that it’s over or is it going to be a case of her leaving before he gets the message?

I feel that she has become a bit delusional in that she appears to be thinking that she will be able leave him and be with me immediately in a new flat without any problems. I think this as she refers to it as 'our' flat and has already started buying stuff like bedding and a bed etc for it even though she hasn't looked at flats or made an escape plan.

My gut feeling is that it’s best to give him and his family time to accept that it’s over and her and her child time to settle in a new flat. The problem is if I tell her this she starts worrying, getting stressed and believing that I don’t want to be with her when I do. I just want to take a more measured approach considering the circumstances.

Another problem is my family don’t like her as she has a child and has a low income and therefore believe she is after my money. I understand and appreciate their concerns but it feels like they are judging a book by its cover even though they haven’t met her. I don’t think she is after my money as she won’t let me buy her things and I have to be insistent before she lets me. Not your typical signs of a money-grabber. She has paid for everything for her new flat so far without asking for money.

I’ve been seeing her in secret and lying to my family about who I am seeing but I am worried that the longer I go on lying the deeper I am digging. I know that they aren’t going to be happy when they find out. But it doesn’t feel like the right time to introduce her to them. I feel that the best time would be once she has her own flat and I know how her ex reacts. He may be like his dad and abandon his child. I’m worried they will disown me.

Should I just tell them or wait until she has left?

She says about how it hurts and that she cries and feels sick when I leave. Her friend said that she can tell she genuinely loves me. She often breaks down when I’m with her because she is so worried that we won’t be together because of my family. Therefore I don’t think she is faking it as we have also had massive arguments which would have destroyed any relationship. She just seems to be genuine as there are too many instances which would have revealed her true motive if there was one.

I’m thinking about either paying the full deposit or some of it for her as I can tell how very unhappy she is by saying things like she frequently contemplates suicide as a means of escape and I feel that this must be having a very negative effect on her and her sons’ health and well being and I want them to be safe and happy. All I ask of her is that she goes to get help from the experts to escape. I want to help her as I believe she is telling the truth but I would prefer to see action before taking a financial gamble.

What should I do?

I'm sorry for the long post but it is a very complicated situation.

tl;dr: Woman with four year old child, low income and on benefits wants to leave her abusive ex fiance for me.

June 18, 2016

You are 27 so it doesn't matter too much what your parents think. That being said you live under their roof.

If you want to be with her why don't you get an apartment together so she can leave?

June 18, 2016

I’m 27 years old, live with my parents and work full time. My girlfriend is 28, has a four year old child, works 24 hours a week and claims benefits due to her low income. We’ve been dating for over a year now although we originally met and dated nine years ago but parted ways due to life circumstances but kept in contact on Facebook. She currently lives with her ex fiance (the father) who neglects his child and is emotionally abusive to her. He doesn’t work and spends all day and night on his Xbox. She is saving up for a deposit on a flat but because of her low income can only save £200 a month. Her ex doesn’t know about me but she constantly tells him it is over, avoids him and pushes him away. He doesn’t seem to think there’s is anything wrong despite the obvious signs of problems that any normal person would easily spot.

Is there anything she can say or do to make him accept that it’s over or is it going to be a case of her leaving before he gets the message?

I feel that she has become a bit delusional in that she appears to be thinking that she will be able leave him and be with me immediately in a new flat without any problems. I think this as she refers to it as 'our' flat and has already started buying stuff like bedding and a bed etc for it even though she hasn't looked at flats or made an escape plan.

My gut feeling is that it’s best to give him and his family time to accept that it’s over and her and her child time to settle in a new flat. The problem is if I tell her this she starts worrying, getting stressed and believing that I don’t want to be with her when I do. I just want to take a more measured approach considering the circumstances.

Another problem is my family don’t like her as she has a child and has a low income and therefore believe she is after my money. I understand and appreciate their concerns but it feels like they are judging a book by its cover even though they haven’t met her. I don’t think she is after my money as she won’t let me buy her things and I have to be insistent before she lets me. Not your typical signs of a money-grabber. She has paid for everything for her new flat so far without asking for money.

I’ve been seeing her in secret and lying to my family about who I am seeing but I am worried that the longer I go on lying the deeper I am digging. I know that they aren’t going to be happy when they find out. But it doesn’t feel like the right time to introduce her to them. I feel that the best time would be once she has her own flat and I know how her ex reacts. He may be like his dad and abandon his child. I’m worried they will disown me.

Should I just tell them or wait until she has left?

She says about how it hurts and that she cries and feels sick when I leave. Her friend said that she can tell she genuinely loves me. She often breaks down when I’m with her because she is so worried that we won’t be together because of my family. Therefore I don’t think she is faking it as we have also had massive arguments which would have destroyed any relationship. She just seems to be genuine as there are too many instances which would have revealed her true motive if there was one.

I’m thinking about either paying the full deposit or some of it for her as I can tell how very unhappy she is by saying things like she frequently contemplates suicide as a means of escape and I feel that this must be having a very negative effect on her and her sons’ health and well being and I want them to be safe and happy. All I ask of her is that she goes to get help from the experts to escape. I want to help her as I believe she is telling the truth but I would prefer to see action before taking a financial gamble.

What should I do?

I'm sorry for the long post but it is a very complicated situation.

tl;dr: Woman with four year old child, low income and on benefits wants to leave her abusive ex fiance for me.

You are being taken for a fool. She will never leave him.

I don't know what country you live in but in all of western countries there are programs and shelters for women wanting to leave their abusive dead beat husband-boyfriend. She is there because she wants to stay there. When we want to get ourselves out of the gut we find a way. I am sure she has family, a mother or a sister or brother that can take her in as well.

Your parents are right to not like her.

You live in a bubble that will pop soon.

June 18, 2016

Agreed! It sounds like you have an emotionally manipulative cheater on your hands.

"Our" flat? Why can't she live alone? Why do you have to live with her immediately? Please don't give her money for the down payment. You'll never see it again, and I highly doubt there will be any flat or happily ever after following that gift.

I'm guessing her "abusive" husband isn't aware that their relationship is over because she hasn't bothered to say anything to him, and most likely won't...at least not for you.

If you have to run around and see someone in secrecy, something is dreadfully wrong. Alarm bells should be going off. Why aren't they?

June 18, 2016

If you have to run around and see someone in secrecy, something is dreadfully wrong. Alarm bells should be going off. Why aren't they?

Exactly!

OP ask her if they are still sleeping in the same bed.

June 18, 2016

Are you sure she's actually even broken up with her fiance?

Do not give her any money. Do not move in with her. Your parents are right to be very concerned here. She needs to get her life together or you're going to get dragged through the mud even further. This whole situation is unhealthy and on the road to disaster.

How did you meet her?

June 19, 2016

I think she could be genuine. However, I would not advise being in any kind of relationship with her until she has left her ex. I realise, having been a single parent myself, that is it hellishly difficult to survive and pay for food and essentials without trying to save as well. I would not have been able to save. I don't think you should pay a deposit for her though or move in with her until she has spent some time independently. You are already supporting her emotionally.

She should not be buying things for a flat you might have together. You do need to make it clear to her that you can't go straight into that and she needs time to get over her previous relationship before you will feel safe that she really wants to be in a new one with you. Again, having said that, there are plenty of people who have affairs and end up living with each other, going straight from one relationship to another. All the wise advice in the world isn't actually reflected in reality. Practicality tends to take over and eternal optimism about love. Who is to say they are wrong or that their relationships can't succeed because of it? People's lives are complicated.

My feeling is that if she was after your money, she would have taken advantage of that well before now by encouraging you to buy her things here and there. You say she hasn't done any of this.

As for your parents, I think you should be honest with them rather than hide. Maybe they will adjust, even if they are not happy with the situation. They will be shocked at first, but I am sure they just want to be reassured you are not going to leap into anything without being absolutely sure that this woman is: (1) not just after your money; and (2) really intending to leave her partner.

Edited June 19, 2016 by spiderowl

June 19, 2016

and has already started buying stuff like bedding and a bed etc .

She works only 24 hours a week and gets benefits, she can't save for a deposit on a new apartment BUT she can go shop for house items and a bed? how does that work!

Edited June 19, 2016 by Gaeta

June 19, 2016

OP, you are 27 years old. Your whole life before you, there are so many single girls who would be very happy to date you.

Yet you are caught up in the drama of a 24 year-old woman who is incapable of running her life, who thinks it's appropriate to bring up her kid in an abusive environment. Do you think it's fair on the kid? How can you think for even a second that she is a good mother.

She is weak, quite possibly sleeping with this guy, can you imagine him putting up with her if she doesn't put out?

Open your eyes! Don't be a fool that ruins his life for other people's craziness. Your family are right.

June 21, 2016

The reason I said about helping pay the deposit was because I can see what a negative effect this is having on her and her son and want to help her to move to somewhere as soon as possible. I worry that it is getting to the point where she may genuinely take her own life at any moment as she seems to be extremely unhappy. Her son constantly says he hates his dad because he hits him, shouts and swears at him and neglects him. She got home from working a night shift today to find him covered in his own faeces and urine and the bed was wet. His father was watching TV ignoring him and her son was crying. He constantly ignores his son and shouts and swears at him and tells him to go away whilst playing on his Xbox. This causes her son to get upset and go running to her crying.

Her son constantly tells her that he would rather be with me as I play with him and don't shout at or hit him. She sleeps on the floor of her sons room or the sofa to avoid sleeping with him.

Having spoken to her over the last few days she still insists that she wants to leave to be with me but I have made it clear that experts from a domestic abuse charity need to be involved as it is a very complicated and potentially dangerous situation that we cannot realistically deal with ourselves. She has saved about £400 over two months and stores this in her step-dads safe.

She can't stay with her family as she has disowned her real mum and dad due to them sexually abusing her as a child and her step-dad is on the sex offenders register for having child porn on his laptop and social services will only allow her child round there if she is present at all times. She has made it clear that when she gets a new flat she won't tell her real parents where she lives and doesn't want anything to do with them.

What is rather worrying is that she thinks that she will move out of her current flat and into a new flat with me on the same day. I said to her 'If it is safe to then I will stay with you the day you move'. I said this in order to provide emotional support as a friend more than anything else. I know that she is going to be very stressed so would like to be there to support her if possible. However her response was 'Then your never moving in'. I don't think she realises how volatile this situation will be and that it may not be safe for me to be around for a while.

I feel it best that we live separately until she has had a chance to recover from her previous relationship and get her house in order in terms of child contact arrangements etc. Also this would enable her to meet my parents before I move in with her therefore they will see that she is financially independent and as a result not after my money and hopefully her ex will move on to someone else and therefore be less interested in her and her relationships. I want to be with her but know that this is very complicated and needs to be handled with extreme care.

Another problem that has arisen is she is on about moving stuff like a fridge, cooker, table and bed etc all whilst he is still there. I can't believe that she expects to be able to move all this stuff out without any resistance or obstructiveness from him. I have said that it is best to get advice from the experts as they may have an idea of how she can get this stuff out safely. I have also said to her that ideally him and his family need to be away for a day or two to allow for the flat to be cleared and the removal truck to get to the new flat without being followed but as he doesn't work he is always at the flat. I really have no idea how she can get the stuff out safely.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

June 21, 2016

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Have you read anything we wrote?

It's not your job to dig her out of the hole she put herself in.

How is she going to pay rent, utilities, food, transportation on 24hr/week work?

Are they still sleeping in the same bed?

June 21, 2016

She needs to forget about that stuff and just leave and go to a shelter. Get the authorities involved if there is a disturbance.

I don't understand why you wouldn't just move in together if that's the plan eventually. Save money and protect her... seems like the ideal scenario. Unless something in you is telling you not to?

In which case - listen to your guy.

I personally wouldn't get involved with this woman until she is on her own.

June 21, 2016

Walk away. If she can't put on her big girl panties on and turn to family, or get to a woman's shelter to get away from this Ahole, then everyone is right.....you are being played a fool.

Seriously you don't really know what is happening behind closed doors. You could just be a cookie on the side while she stays because she is still in love with her ex and is waiting for him to change.

Women walk away from a s&*^$% relationship everyday. It does take planning, but if it's bad enough, they will do whatever it takes to leave....even if it's to sleep on a coworkers sofa for a month.

Either she is still into this guy, and is using you, or she is just too immature to do the right thing. IMO stay out of people's messy lives.....you should look up "Shining Knight or White Knight syndrome". Rescuing someone from a bad relationship is an unhealthy way to start a new relationship. It's got red flags all over it.

June 21, 2016

Are they still sleeping in the same bed?

She sleeps on the floor of her sons room or the sofa to avoid sleeping with him.

June 21, 2016

Her son constantly says he hates his dad because he hits him, shouts and swears at him and neglects him. She got home from working a night shift today to find him covered in his own faeces and urine and the bed was wet. His father was watching TV ignoring him and her son was crying. He constantly ignores his son and shouts and swears at him and tells him to go away whilst playing on his Xbox. This causes her son to get upset and go running to her crying.

About you call child-protection on her? Remaining in a home where he son is being abused and neglected is as much her neglect than his.

Why is a 4 year old pooping in bed? If her story is true this child is traumatized and needs to be removed from that home asap and be brought to medical attention.

You and her have no clue what you're doing and this child is the big loser.

June 21, 2016

I must admit it can be frustrating when she goes on about buying stuff like beds and bedding etc as whilst I agree these are important my view is that her priority has to be the housing situation and then furnishings. After all there's a lot of charities etc which can help with furnishes but far fewer help with housing.

June 21, 2016

Why is a 4 year old pooping in bed?

Because he hasn't been toilet trained despite her attempts to because when she is at work he doesn't carry on with the training and therefore the child doesn't get the training.

I must admit when we had an argument the other day and she said that if I carried on then she would be staying put my immediate thought was and if you do that then I will call social services.

June 21, 2016

You should call anyway and not out of spite but because it sounds like this child is seriously neglected.

Why are you getting involved in this mess OP?

June 21, 2016

Because he hasn't been toilet trained despite her attempts to because when she is at work he doesn't carry on with the training and therefore the child doesn't get the training.

I must admit when we had an argument the other day and she said that if I carried on then she would be staying put my immediate thought was and if you do that then I will call social services.

What did she mean by staying put?

Does not this child attend day-care or goes to a babysitter when she works?

At 4 years old a child has full power over his sphincters. If he still does in his pants it's A) a physical condition that needs medical attention B) Abuse.

June 21, 2016

What did she mean by staying put?

Does not this child attend day-care or goes to a babysitter when she works?

At 4 years old a child has full power over his sphincters. If he still does in his pants it's A) a physical condition that needs medical attention B) Abuse.

I think she meant staying with him which is why I would call them if she did as she is keeping her child in an abusive place. At the moment I am giving her the benefit of the doubt in that I believe she will leave but she should do it as soon as possible personally.

He goes to nursery and they raised questions about his behaviour and shyness and referred him to an organisation and he is getting support for it.

I don't know why he isn't toilet trained but she says it's because he doesn't help train him when shes not there. But I agree with you he should be trained by now.

She is worried that if social services get involved then it will take longer for her to escape but I personally would of thought that they would pull out all the stops to help her.

June 21, 2016

I don't know why he isn't toilet trained but she says it's because he doesn't help train him when shes not there. But I agree with you he should be trained by now.

rh205: Making conclusion that her 4 year old isn't potty trained because his father does not participate is completely ignorant on her part. She should have been in a doctor's office a year ago already. Why isn't she taking him for a check up?

How much time the child spend with the father in a day? how much time in day-care? how much time with her?

On top of that day-care noticed this little boy's struggle AND she STILL keeps him in this abusive environment??

This woman comes across as an unfit mother.

June 21, 2016

She is worried that if social services get involved then it will take longer for her to escape but I personally would of thought that they would pull out all the stops to help her.

She is worried because she knows she is a bad mother.

Why are you involved with someone like this? Don't you have better things to do with your life?

June 21, 2016

rh205: Making conclusion that her 4 year old isn't potty trained because his father does not participate is completely ignorant on her part. She should have been in a doctor's office a year ago already. Why isn't she taking him for a check up?

How much time the child spend with the father in a day? how much time in day-care? how much time with her?

On top of that day-care noticed this little boy's struggle AND she STILL keeps him in this abusive environment??

This woman comes across as an unfit mother.

I think that she has come to see that this is not a suitable environment for her or her child and therefore is trying to escape but I think that she needs advice and guidance and that is why I have suggested she goes to a domestic abuse charity. I think she is overwhelmed with everything and needs someone with expert knowledge and experience to help guide her through the process of leaving.

I have made it clear to her that if and when we are together if I have any concerns about her child's welfare then I will speak out and alert the authorities if needs be.

Edited June 21, 2016 by rh205

June 21, 2016

I think that she has come to see that this is not a suitable environment for her or her child and therefore is trying to escape but I think that she needs advice and guidance and that is why I have suggested she goes to a domestic abuse charity. I think she is overwhelmed with everything and needs someone with expert knowledge and experience to help guide her through the process of leaving.

I have made it clear to her that if and when we are together if I have any concerns about her child's welfare then I will speak out and alert the authorities if needs be.

You should speak out now. A 4 year-old s***ng his bed is not normal. That kid has all sorts of anxiety issues. Would you have liked to be helped if that kid was you? Because I would have.

June 21, 2016

Child welfare have tones of resources for people who need help. A worker would help her get out, get away and protect that child. My closest friend does this for a living. All I hear from you and her is excuses excuses.

This woman is in no place to be forming a relationship right now. Her focus should be on her child and her own safety and nothing else.

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