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Why would someone who wants to be with u not want to attend a friends party with you?

Hopeful30

By Hopeful30
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Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

Some people work this way:

 

 

Yes means yes.

 

Maybe means yes.

 

No means maybe.

 

 

I think your bf is one of those people.

 

All you can do is be very direct and educate him about you mean, when you say, "No."

  • Like 3
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I dunno...just because he makes sure you are well fed and taken care of doesn't grant him expulsion from his possessive behavior...this is how an abuser starts to groom you. gets you hooked so much so, you are willing to look at the poor behavior as something that will pass or down play the seriousness of it. It's passive aggressive behavior that he is using....

 

Anyways we all have given warning. Tell him to stop it makes you uncomfortable, simple as that. If he continues, then you got problems.

  • Like 6
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
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I would not tolerate this selfishness.

 

And yes, he is selfish. Do you notice how this is all about what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants?

 

And that when you tried to tell him you were uncomfortable, he was dismissive of your feelings?

 

Wanting to express affection is one thing. Trampling all over your partner's boundaries is something else entirely. He behaves in the manner he feels is correct and doesn't appear to be interested in compromise.

 

Be very firm and very clear. I dated a guy like this, and let me tell you, it was a precursor to future behaviour.

  • Like 6
Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

Posted
Posted

Hopeful, I hope I don't offend you by saying this but you've made my day. Reading your OP, I couldnt help but burst out laughing. I had this image of this young woman trying to eat her dinner nicely and a man stuck to her face. By the time I got to the elevator, I was hysterical. What a nightmare!

 

Reminds me of someone I dated years ago (not as bad as yours) Nice fella but by 4 months (ish) i felt like I wanted to rip my skin off every time he touched me. It was just so eww by the end.

 

It's irritating now but it will repulse you eventually. Tell him to stop it. Either that or have a nice big bowl of garlic for dinner befor you see him next.

  • Like 2
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted
He supports my decisions and tells me to do what I feel in my heart is right, even if he might not agree with it. He is respectful towards my family and never pressures me into doing anything.

 

He's one of those guys who thinks he knows you better than you know yourself lol but never in a condescending way. I've never felt put down by him.

 

Don't know about you Hopeful, but I'm seeing a direct contradiction here between those two paragraphs. Idk I think a lot of your reticence to putting him in his place is the fact that you somehow like a partner who is going to help you direct your life. The trouble with that is, once you signal to someone that their opinion on things matters enough for you to begin living by it, there just isn't a place where their interference naturally ends and you get situations like this. You've already indicated to him that he knows better than you, he's now running with that in any direction he chooses. This is a slippery slope imho.

  • Like 1
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
I don't see great BF potential at all in his refusing to accept your opinions and choices- and criticizing you for them. That's obnoxious, disrespectful, boundary violation-- all of that.

 

And let's not forget this comment from the OP:

 

>>To be honest I don't really enjoy kissing him THAT much either, I've kissed other men before whose mouths I've enjoyed far more, but you always have to compromise on something right? No man is perfect...at least this one is great boyfriend material <<

 

No you don't compromise on feeling romantic attraction! What are even thinking?

 

You don't like kissing him, you don't like how he dresses, he's all over you in public and then dismisses your feelings when you express how uncomfortable that makes you feel.... what is there to like about this guy?

 

What about sex? You don't like kissing him, how are you gonna feel when he wants to have sex... (make love) to you?

 

Unless you feel a romantic attraction, ick ick ick. You will eventually start feeling repulsed by him.

 

I cannot even imagine this.... this is the most bizarre thing I have heard in a long time.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 4
anna121 Established Member

anna121

Posted
Posted
When he notices my behaviour or my comments about not wanting to be so affectoinate in public, he simply says I care too much about what other people think, and he gets upset that I hold so much 'importance' to irrelevant things.

 

To be honest I don't really enjoy kissing him THAT much either, I've kissed other men before whose mouths I've enjoyed far more, but you always have to compromise on something right? No man is perfect...at least this one is great boyfriend material lol

 

1. How incredibly insulting and patronizing. Such a guy would be on his way out with me.

 

2. Bad kissers are the WORST.

  • Like 1
veggirl Established Member

veggirl

Posted
Posted

A- you're spending way too much time with him if all this has happened in a WEEK.

 

B- you're a grown up. Say NO or STOP. It's not hard. I don't get adults who can't say NO.

  • Like 1
TunaCat Established Member

TunaCat

Posted
Posted

Forget being polite.

 

Be assertive.

 

Be firm.

 

Tell him No. Stop worrying about being polite and stand up for yourself.

 

If it were me, I'd break up with him.

  • Like 2
Chief Wiggum Established Member

Chief Wiggum

Posted
Posted

I think you're going to get bored or irritated by him very soon. It may be best to end it now rather than later? That's probably the most polite thing you can do for him.

 

But if that's not an option and you want to give him a shot, then be 'firm but fair' the next time he makes a move on you. Say: "Stop it. Not in public. Save it for when we're on our own :)". You may have to do this a couple of times to get the message across, but he'll get it. Stomp this behaviour out NOW before it's too late and gets used to doing it - otherwise you're gonna' run out of patience and really will say something mean.

Ensam Member

Ensam

Posted
Posted

To me it screams that the OP wants kids ASAP and is willing to settle with any guy with a pulse:lmao: and who treats her well, despite not being that into him!

 

Or she just doesn't want to wait around for something that may never come her way. I understand where you are coming from seeing as I too rather stay single than being with someone I don't feel very strongly about. But realistically speaking these encounters happens very rarely. A lot of people doesn't want to spend a lot of time on their own so maybe they are happier getting the relationship benefits even if it means settling for less in terms of who they are dating.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
Hopeful, I hope I don't offend you by saying this but you've made my day. Reading your OP, I couldnt help but burst out laughing. I had this image of this young woman trying to eat her dinner nicely and a man stuck to her face. By the time I got to the elevator, I was hysterical. What a nightmare!

 

Reminds me of someone I dated years ago (not as bad as yours) Nice fella but by 4 months (ish) i felt like I wanted to rip my skin off every time he touched me. It was just so eww by the end.

 

It's irritating now but it will repulse you eventually. Tell him to stop it. Either that or have a nice big bowl of garlic for dinner befor you see him next.

 

Or you can just fart.

 

I reckon that'll be help tame his antics fairly swiftly.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
Or she just doesn't want to wait around for something that may never come her way. I understand where you are coming from seeing as I too rather stay single than being with someone I don't feel very strongly about. But realistically speaking these encounters happens very rarely. A lot of people doesn't want to spend a lot of time on their own so maybe they are happier getting the relationship benefits even if it means settling for less in terms of who they are dating.

 

I tried her method.

 

I ended up dumping the poor guy as soon as Mr Chemistry showed up.

 

I found that I enjoyed being alone to Mr Mild Sparks.

 

There is so much one can enjoy on their own; a dog or cat shelter, yearly travel, volunteering, career progression, hobbies, friends and family.........

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
And let's not forget this comment from the OP:

 

>>To be honest I don't really enjoy kissing him THAT much either, I've kissed other men before whose mouths I've enjoyed far more, but you always have to compromise on something right? No man is perfect...at least this one is great boyfriend material <<

 

No you don't compromise on feeling romantic attraction! What are even thinking?

 

You don't like kissing him, you don't like how he dresses, he's all over you in public and then dismisses your feelings when you express how uncomfortable that makes you feel.... what is there to like about this guy?

 

What about sex? You don't like kissing him, how are you gonna feel when he wants to have sex... (make love) to you?

 

Unless you feel a romantic attraction, ick ick ick. You will eventually start feeling repulsed by him.

 

I cannot even imagine this.... this is the most bizarre thing I have heard in a long time.

 

 

Some people cannot find any better.

 

Some people have to end up picking what they want to compromise on.

 

She picked Mr Relationship Material who she isn't head over heels for.

 

She is free to leave and pursue a guy who makes me vagina tingle ---- but it is rare to meet the love of your life type of people... who pocess the nice guy and relaronship material stuff AND who makes your heart skip a beat......

 

She is obvs happier wirh Mr no spark than she is single.

  • Like 1
ChocolateRain Established Member

ChocolateRain

Posted
Posted (edited)
I dunno...just because he makes sure you are well fed and taken care of doesn't grant him expulsion from his possessive behavior...this is how an abuser starts to groom you. gets you hooked so much so, you are willing to look at the poor behavior as something that will pass or down play the seriousness of it. It's passive aggressive behavior that he is using....

 

Anyways we all have given warning. Tell him to stop it makes you uncomfortable, simple as that. If he continues, then you got problems.

 

^this^...

 

@OP i hope i am wrong and i hope u dont have to find out the hard way ... best of luck

Edited by ChocolateRain
correction
joseb Established Member

joseb

Posted
Posted

If you really enjoyed kissing him you might barely notice his behaviour because you would be so caught up. But you don't and you do.

 

His behaviour sounds a bit like a horny teenager that has never kissed anyone before.

 

You seem to be trying to talk yourself into a relationship with a guy you don't really fancy.

  • Like 1
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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Hey guys. This isn't so much a question as it is me asking for your insights as to WTF just happened.

 

Basically my night freed up tonight (friday) so I decided that instead of sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself, that I'm going to dress up and go salsa dancing! (I used to dance for 10 years). I casually mentioned this to the man I've been seeing, but instead of telling me he thinks its great that I'm actually doing something for myself and spending my time doing something I love, he accused me of being [promiscuous], going to get the attention of other guys and playing games.

 

Umm....what????

 

I told him I didn't know what to say and didn't understand why he was reacting this way, but instead he said that I need to "figure [myself] out" and that he's "tired of always taking my crap, this was the last straw..."

 

I want to understand why a man would react this way. If it's insecurity, how would I have noticed it before? I didn't see any red flags, and if I notice a hint of insecurity I don't run away. After all, I have some insecurities myself.

Is it possessiveness? Does he not want his woman to have a life of her own? I also never saw red flags for this, because he would always encourage me to work on myself and do what I love. So I'm not sure how I would avoid men like this in the future because so far I honestly didn't notice any red flags. It's also why I was literally dumbfounded and gob-smacked when he reacted this way. Like.... this is literally the last thing I would have expected from him.

 

What did I miss??

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)

Read our responses to your last thread about this guy.

 

Many of us warned you that his behavior indicated he is a huge control freak!

 

Well this is proof.

 

He called you [promiscuous] to knock you down, because HE feels intimidated and insecure by your going dancing.

 

Knocking you down, berating you, any sort of verbal abuse like this is a control mechanism.

 

I hope you do NOT acquiesce!!

 

Stick to your guns and go dancing! Have a blast!

 

Screw him, let him throw his little tantrum.... he is an INSECURE, weak, whiny wimp who needs to control women to feel secure.

 

I hope you dump him Hopeful, hell you said yourself in your last thread you are not even all that attracted to him.

 

Why on earth are you dating him?!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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  • Like 3
Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

Posted
Posted

Salsa dancing... I've noticed more than a few threads where salsa dancing seems to be a key point of contention. Am I noticing a pattern here or is it just an illusion... and if not, what is it about salsa dancing that seems to set so many people off? :confused:

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
  • Author
Posted

This is so disappointing. Why aren't there any normal men out there?

 

I'm not even asking for perfect, just NORMAL.

  • Author
Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Salsa dancing... I've noticed more than a few threads where salsa dancing seems to be a key point of contention. Am I noticing a pattern here or is it just an illusion... and if not, what is it about salsa dancing that seems to set so many people off? :confused:

 

The only thing I can think of is that salsa dancing requires that you dance with a partner. It's not like regular dance clubs where you fist pump and can do it all on your own.

 

Maybe that's why men don't like it so much? Because it requires other men to take place?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
This is so disappointing. Why aren't there any normal men out there?

 

I'm not even asking for perfect, just NORMAL.

 

I read your last thread. He was not normal but you insisted on still seeing him. I don't understand why you are so surprised at his reaction toward salsa night. What I read of him in your other thread was sorry to say but disgusting. If you date a man like this maybe YOU don't know what is normal.

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Okay so...long story short, I've been dating a guy for about a month and he ended up being a complete crazy. Now, I was fooled into believing he was genuinely into me because he did all the things a man would do when he is seriously into you...

 

I say this because I've dated men in the past who were very good to me, and loved me very much, and by comparison this new guy did all the same things they did. All the same little things that men genuinely do when they are into a woman...except turns out he's a psycho.

 

So guys help me out here. How do you know when a guy is being GENUINE and does nice things because he means it....or if he's doing these genuinely nice things because that's what the book says men do when they're into you?

 

I'm usually a good judge of character, and typically can see if a man is being genuine or not. But this last situation has cast some serious doubt on whether or not I can tell the difference ...

 

What's one way to tell? Anyone can just go through the actions to make you believe they are being genuine...some men are good actors...

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted

I’m sorry you’re going through this. His dysfunction was clear with his disrespect before but you didn’t see it yet because you didn’t know. Now you know.

 

Watch out for the classic cloying apologies and promises- maybe a few jabs about YOU not being fair, not being forgiving, making a big deal over a “just a mistake,” he loves you so much, everything was too great to just throw away, blah, blah. It’s typical of these types.

 

Shut this guy 100% off and be grateful for the lesson to carry forward the rest of your life.

 

Sure there are good honest men who aren’t twisted with the need to control and power-over. But it takes time to tell whether a man is a good one or not. Take your time and don’t attach and let the impatient ones trot away. Good men know that the bad ones exist so they also understand that a wise women is discerning.

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