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Why would someone who wants to be with u not want to attend a friends party with you?

Hopeful30

By Hopeful30
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Ensam Member

Ensam

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I think you should be blunt with him. You already told him politely multiple times not to kiss you in awkward situations/situations where it's actually difficult to even kiss. This isn't just about not wanting to make out in public all the time. It's about your own comfort and safety.

 

Now if he doesn't understand or respect that, there is a major problem here.

But dumping a person you on the whole like and want to date without even having made it absolutely clear you do not appreciate this behaviour like a few people are suggesting is overreacting in my opinion.

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Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

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You're missing the point completely though Hopeful30. His behavior is strange weird and speaks to serious issues.

 

So, what wonderful qualities does this guy have? All we know is that he really really likes you (and according to you, not as attractive)

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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The thing is, I've been with men who weren't as 'claimy' as this one, and they didn't have even half of the wonderful qualities of this guy. Can you blame him for trying to lock down a fox like me? :p

 

Then I don't get the point of this thread.

 

You're fine with this.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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I'm not settling. He's the best man I've met so far out of all the men I have dated. That's why I'm asking for advice on how to bring this up in a polite manner without being a direct bitch and telling him to just "leave me alone" when we are in public. It takes two to make a relationship work, I'm not just going to dump him before I at least try to work things out. I care about him, and I like him. Back me up guys!

 

I"m not going to back up anything that is disrespectful to anyone's esteem.

 

If he was sticking you with pins, would you be in a quandary about how to tell him to stop?

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ChocolateRain Established Member

ChocolateRain

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The thing is, I've been with men who weren't as 'claimy' as this one, and they didn't have even half of the wonderful qualities of this guy. Can you blame him for trying to lock down a fox like me? :p

 

I'm not settling. He's the best man I've met so far out of all the men I have dated. That's why I'm asking for advice on how to bring this up in a polite manner without being a direct bitch and telling him to just "leave me alone" when we are in public. It takes two to make a relationship work, I'm not just going to dump him before I at least try to work things out. I care about him, and I like him. Back me up guys!

 

 

if you care for him then accept him as he is ... but in all honesty if a man is that clingy there are some hidden issues but that is just my humble opinion ( and my experience )

 

But i hope it will work out ok for you ... just tell him firm and honestly that you feel uncomfortable with all his affection in public

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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I"m not going to back up anything that is disrespectful to anyone's esteem.

 

If he was sticking you with pins, would you be in a quandary about how to tell him to stop?

 

If they were pins of love, then yes! I would tell him to take it easy :) It all comes from a good place. []

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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If they were pins of love, then yes! I would tell him to take it easy :) It all comes from a good place. []

 

then like I said--there is no problem here. Don't see the reason for the thread.

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hippychick3 Established Member

hippychick3

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Dealbreaker. No conversation is going to change this incredibly bizarre possessive behavior.....run like the dickens!!!

 

Seriously you are settling and this isn't something "minor". Have fun with that.

 

Exactly!

 

And besides that, his behavior is very disrespectful. He clearly doesn't respect your feelings and boundaries. And, I am in shock that you're allowing this after only 1 week of knowing each other.

 

Don't mistake this weird, clingy, possessive behavior with "love" and caring for you. It's all about him and his insecurities and awkwardness. It's too soon to be about any genuine feelings for you.

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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If they were pins of love, then yes! I would tell him to take it easy :) It all comes from a good place. []

 

I think when you indicated how uncomfortable it made you feel, and he dismissed your feelings saying you care too much what people think and that you *hold too much importance to "irrelevant" things*...[]!!

 

How condescending! Irrelevant to who? Him?

 

Obviously it is **not** irrelevant to you.... he sounds like a huge control freak!

 

Dismissing your feelings like that, deeming them irrelevant...... NEXT.

 

No he does not sound like a good guy at all!

 

Your picker need some fine tuning...for sure!

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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You're missing the point completely though Hopeful30. His behavior is strange weird and speaks to serious issues.

 

So, what wonderful qualities does this guy have? All we know is that he really really likes you (and according to you, not as attractive)

 

He supports my decisions and tells me to do what I feel in my heart is right, even if he might not agree with it.

 

He is respectful towards my family and never pressures me into doing anything.

 

He always makes sure I'm fed and warm, gets me food if I haven't eaten in a while, offers his jacket or sweater etc. Holds the door, gets the tab...

 

When I have car troubles or am struggling to get somewhere, he always offers to help me out. He's driven long distances to pick me up when I have been stuck on the road.

 

He is very kind to others, sociable and focuses on the positive, ignores negative people. He's not dramatic, never makes a big deal of things, never talks bad about others or himself.

 

He always gives me good advice on how to improve certain areas in my life that I'm unhappy with or feel are holding me back. He compliments me on my positive traits and tells me how good I am at XYZ.

 

When I've opened up about private issues, he's never been critical or judgmental. He always listens carefully and tries to make me feel better or smile when I'm down.

 

He always asks about my day, brings me flowers on occassion, makes sure I am not inconvenienced when it comes to when or where we should meet.

 

He supports my goals and the things I want to achieve in my life, and even offers help if he can do something I can't in that respect.

 

He is good with communication and is always honest with me, even if he tells me something I don't really want to hear.

 

He kisses my hand or hands the old-school way you see in movies lol I like that :)

 

He doesn't get caught up in trivial things.

 

He always encourages me to work on the aspects of myself I feel need improving, and gives me the space I need when I ask for it (except he's all over me when I do see him lol)

 

He shares his artwork with me and asks to see mine. He is there when I need to talk or sort something out and ask for his advice or help.

 

 

Exactly!

 

And besides that, his behavior is very disrespectful. He clearly doesn't respect your feelings and boundaries. And, I am in shock that you're allowing this after only 1 week of knowing each other.

 

Don't mistake this weird, clingy, possessive behavior with "love" and caring for you. It's all about him and his insecurities and awkwardness. It's too soon to be about any genuine feelings for you.

 

We kissed only a week ago, I've known him for two months and we've been hanging out for around that time.

 

I think when you indicated how uncomfortable it made you feel, and he dismissed your feelings saying you care too much what people think and that you *hold too much importance to "irrelevant" things*...[]!!

 

How condescending! Irrelevant to who? Him?

 

Obviously it is **not** irrelevant to you.... he sounds like a huge control freak!

 

Dismissing your feelings like that, deeming them irrelevant...... NEXT.

 

No he does not sound like a good guy at all!

 

Your picker need some fine tuning...for sure!

 

This thought did enter my mind (bolded) that even though its irrelevant to him, he shouldn't judge me if I hold some importance to it. This is the way that I am even though it's different than how he is in this respect. He never tries to control me though, I've had my share of control freaks. I feel like he's really trying to make me be as open and affectionate as he is but I'm just not. He says I hold myself back, but I don't!

 

He's one of those guys who thinks he knows you better than you know yourself lol but never in a condescending way. I've never felt put down by him.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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What would be a polite way to tell him that his affections can be awkward and feel clingy? I've politely mentioned a few times that 'babe I have food in my mouth' or 'now is not a good time I have a lot in my hands' and he apologizes but the next day it's the same.

 

No polite way. If the issue's that pronounced, you have to flex your girl-balls and set a boundary.

 

Politeness just makes the message weak and weak messages can be ignored, so firmness is really called for here.

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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No polite way. If the issue's that pronounced, you have to flex your girl-balls and set a boundary.

 

Politeness just makes the message weak and weak messages can be ignored, so firmness is really called for here.

 

You called me out on that one. I try to be nice about things, maybe it's time to step it up a notch.

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caringsister Established Member

caringsister

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I think when you indicated how uncomfortable it made you feel, and he dismissed your feelings saying you care too much what people think and that you *hold too much importance to "irrelevant" things*...[]!!

 

How condescending! Irrelevant to who? Him?

 

Obviously it is **not** irrelevant to you.... he sounds like a huge control freak!

 

Dismissing your feelings like that, deeming them irrelevant...... NEXT.

 

No he does not sound like a good guy at all!

 

Your picker need some fine tuning...for sure!

 

^This^

 

He isn't hearing you because he doesn't care how you feel. He wants to kiss you at awkward moments that make you feel uncomfortable and dismiss your feelings by saying you care to much what people think. He cares not enough about how you feel or think. Bank on it... This kind of attitude will spill over into other areas of your relationship where you will end up having to compromise your feelings because he will downplay them and make them irrelevant.

 

Good boyfriends care about your feelings, hear what your are saying and want you to be comfortable. Control freaks hear your words, yet they don't care because all that matters is what they want.

 

I'd pay close attention and listen to his thought processes because he is clearly telling you that what you think or feel on this matter doesn't matter to him. I have no doubt that if your eyes and ears are open that you will see that this kind of thinking spills out into many areas of his brain.

 

You describe him as the "best man" you've ever met.

He sounds like someone with a traits of personality disorder to me.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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You just say that you find it really off putting that he is doing this in public so much and while he may be comfortable with it you are not and you don't want to put people off of their food...

 

You just have to be blunt with this one I am afraid!

 

Or why not raise your standards, and actually wait for a guy who you are THAT into?

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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I am super self conscience in public........

 

Exes have embarrassed me in much the same way!

 

Yet when I found a guy that I was REALLY into... the world around me stopped, and I WANT3D them to kiss me and shower me with GROSS displays of affection at EVERY chance they got:lmao:

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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Or why not raise your standards, and actually wait for a guy who you are THAT into?

 

He meets the high standards :) this is just a behaviour I'm trying to work out with him.

 

There are some things that are changeable (how he dresses for example) and some things that you can't change (who he is as a person). This behaviour for me isn't a fundamental issue because I know he is a good person and will treat me well, it's one of the surface things that I need to step up and be firm about because I'm not comfortable with it. It doesn't dictate a standard he doesn't meet, it's just us getting to know each other still and adjusting to each other.

 

And I'm glad you found someone! I remember reading some posts when you felt discouraged. That's great news :)

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BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

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When he notices my behaviour or my comments about not wanting to be so affectoinate in public, he simply says I care too much about what other people think, and he gets upset that I hold so much 'importance' to irrelevant things.

 

To be honest I don't really enjoy kissing him THAT much either, I've kissed other men before whose mouths I've enjoyed far more, but you always have to compromise on something right? No man is perfect...at least this one is great boyfriend material lol

 

I don't see great BF potential at all in his refusing to accept your opinions and choices- and criticizing you for them. That's obnoxious, disrespectful, boundary violation-- all of that.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I agree with blue iris. If the behavior didn't change, it would be a no go for me.

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Grapesofwrath Established Member

Grapesofwrath

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It sounds like you tried the polite approach and he dismissed it.

 

What I find most troubling about his behavior is that he does not respect your boundaries, even after you assert them. When you tell someone that you are uncomfortable with a behavior like this and he turns it around to blame your feelings on you, that's a real problem. He did not and would not look at his own behavior and instead made it about your issues. That is a core problem that will rear its head over and over again.

 

I'd say try it one more time, being more direct. Use your "I" statements:

 

"I feel very uncomfortable when you kiss/grab me like that in public. Please stop doing it."

 

A statement like that should elicit an apology. If he can't hear that, or tries to tell you that it's your problem that you are uncomfortable, then it's time to move on.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Gross! That's just as offputting as nursing in the middle of a restaurant or a baby drooling while you're trying to eat. Gross! He sounds nuts to me. Who stands up at a restaurant and tries to make out with you? Sounds to me like he's trying to make sure he gets his money's worth before he pays the tab.

 

Why are you being polite? Next time, say "HEY, HEY! We're in a restaurant! Sit down, PLEASE!" That's polite enough.

 

Bring a flyswatter next time.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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He meets the high standards :) this is just a behaviour I'm trying to work out with him.

 

There are some things that are changeable (how he dresses for example) and some things that you can't change (who he is as a person). This behaviour for me isn't a fundamental issue because I know he is a good person and will treat me well, it's one of the surface things that I need to step up and be firm about because I'm not comfortable with it. It doesn't dictate a standard he doesn't meet, it's just us getting to know each other still and adjusting to each other.

 

And I'm glad you found someone! I remember reading some posts when you felt discouraged. That's great news :)

 

Yep. It is sure easy to feel discouraged when you meet men who, once you turn them down, they insult you and harass you:lmao:

 

I agree that in this type of a dating climate; a normal, sane, nice guy who is attractive enough to bang = gold!

 

But... I am a romantic hedonist. I need to feel.. the instant chemistry and the X factor for me to pursue a guy in a relationship..

 

I need to be LONGING to kiss my guy - or else, I let them be someone else's guy albeit with some fun perhaps, along the way:lmao:

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Gross! That's just as offputting as nursing in the middle of a restaurant or a baby drooling while you're trying to eat. Gross! He sounds nuts to me. Who stands up at a restaurant and tries to make out with you? Sounds to me like he's trying to make sure he gets his money's worth before he pays the tab.

 

Why are you being polite? Next time, say "HEY, HEY! We're in a restaurant! Sit down, PLEASE!" That's polite enough.

 

Bring a flyswatter next time.

 

 

Hey..... I think you would dislike grocery shopping with my bf and I then:lmao:

 

Just wait to you see what couples can get up to while in the frozen food Isle:D

 

:bunny:

 

No sex or foreplay btw - well, a year in no. Not counting the first 6 mnths:o

 

 

 

But listen.... If you are really feeling the chemistry and you are genuinely in love and also love them - you are just disguising for all to see.

 

Although I get secretly turned on by it - a bit of voyeurism always appealed to me:lmao:

  • Like 2
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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He meets the high standards :) this is just a behaviour I'm trying to work out with him.

 

There are some things that are changeable (how he dresses for example) and some things that you can't change (who he is as a person). This behaviour for me isn't a fundamental issue because I know he is a good person and will treat me well, it's one of the surface things that I need to step up and be firm about because I'm not comfortable with it. It doesn't dictate a standard he doesn't meet, it's just us getting to know each other still and adjusting to each other.

 

And I'm glad you found someone! I remember reading some posts when you felt discouraged. That's great news :)

 

 

You must want kids and be 30 then.

 

Or have a low sex drive.

 

Look...... I met PLENTY of guys who would merely " treat me well" and were also " physically palatable enough to ****" . Some of them were also VERY funny. And well paid - 150K plus a year.

 

Yet... being perfect on paper AND making me laugh AND being attractive enough to have sex with - just didn't do it for me.

 

I suppose you are okay with a guy who you just.. do NOT feel great about making out with! What do you prefer, going home and masturbating to men who you DID/DO have the hots for, or would you prefer a guy who you DID have these passionate inclinations towards?

 

It is a ROMANTIC relationship; in psychological terms, a "commensurate " relationship is ideal... passion, intimacy AND commitment.

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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We've only had our first kiss about a week ago, and since then he's been trying to make out with me at the most awkward and inconvenient times.

 

The worst is when we are out having dinner and he stands up, comes to my side of the table, doesn't even sit next to me but standing makes out with me, then goes back to his side. This happens a couple times during dinner while I'm trying to eat. And I'm old school, I think it's impolite to suck face while others are trying to eat...especially when it's not in a discreet manner. Even going up or down on escalators I have to bend awkwardly because he is on a different step and wants to make out meanwhile I'm trying not to fall over or hurt my back. I try to pull away or tell him 'come on this is uncomfortable' but he does it anyways. It feels like he is smothering me already and it's been only a week! Ah!

 

I'm not as into him as he is into me, but I obviously can't say that. It will hurt his feelings, and I DO like him and want to continue seeing him. He says it's because I'm scared or shy, but the truth is I'm just not THAT THAT into him, at least not yet. His timing isn't very good and he makes it awkward, another example being we are walking in the mall and my hands are full, yet he hugs me with both arms while we continue walking and tries to suck face while I'm trying not to drop my things (or spill my drink on myself). And I've told him, 'babe it's awkward to walk when you do that,' and he apologizes but does it again the next day.

 

What would be a polite way to tell him that his affections can be awkward and feel clingy? I've politely mentioned a few times that 'babe I have food in my mouth' or 'now is not a good time I have a lot in my hands' and he apologizes but the next day it's the same.

 

What's the benefit here of continuing with this guy? At the point of deciding to be a couple, your feelings should be on par and you admit they are not.

 

You say it's not even about being shy, but you're just not that into him. THIS is the biggest issue I see. It seems maybe if you were into him, while it would still be a little awkward you may be less irritated by it, but because you don't like him all that much, it's even more annoying and embarrassing.

 

You're already not into him and he is OVERLY into you and also seems to not get social cues, this of course only makes you like him less and less. I think it's best to get away from this situation, after a week in, rather than continue on pretending essentially while he is getting more and more attached and then you'll eventually still have to dump him.

  • Like 1
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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What's the benefit here of continuing with this guy? At the point of deciding to be a couple, your feelings should be on par and you admit they are not.

 

You say it's not even about being shy, but you're just not that into him. THIS is the biggest issue I see. It seems maybe if you were into him, while it would still be a little awkward you may be less irritated by it, but because you don't like him all that much, it's even more annoying and embarrassing.

 

You're already not into him and he is OVERLY into you and also seems to not get social cues, this of course only makes you like him less and less. I think it's best to get away from this situation, after a week in, rather than continue on pretending essentially while he is getting more and more attached and then you'll eventually still have to dump him.

 

 

Yeah.... there will be those guys out there who will just do it for her, and she will feel " thrilled" for then to kiss her and deliver significant PDA in public - And then guys like this who irritate her via the same means of contact....

 

So.... Why date the guy who's actions irritate you (when they kiss and cuddle you in public), VERSUS, the guy who despite the public setting, still sends shivers up your spine when he kisses and caresses you? Even in public?

 

I have a rule of thumb... If I tolerated and even WANTED an ex to do X Y and Z to me, and I then grow IRRITATED when the next guy does the same thing, due to ADMITEDLY NOT BEING AS INTO HIM.............

 

....Then I:

 

- (a) stay single. Forever.

- (b) Hold out for a guy who's actions to not irritate me. And more importantly; a guy who I feel the same OR MORE STRONGLY about.

 

To me it screams that the OP wants kids ASAP and is willing to settle with any guy with a pulse:lmao: and who treats her well, despite not being that into him!

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