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Why would someone who wants to be with u not want to attend a friends party with you?

Hopeful30

By Hopeful30
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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
Posted (edited)

I have a guy friend, and we aren't dating, though we have gotten close over the last few weeks as a result of being pretty much on the exact. same. wavelength. I will admit that yes, I have a slight crush on him, but nothing has been happening because nothing has been happening.

 

Now, he went for coffee with a friend (woman) but for some reason he assumed I was mad or jealous (?) and he made the effort to call me and tell me that: this girl was only a friend, she needed his advice and support right now, and they had kissed before but nothing else happened (how often they kissed he didn't say, only that it was in the past).

 

Okay first of all, why would he bother telling me this out of the blue? And second, even if I wanted to date him I don't think I could date a guy who kisses his 'friends' and continues to see them afterwards. I would never kiss my guy friends unless I wanted more, and if it didn't work out I definitely couldn't have a friendship with them afterwards. It's a line that once you cross, there is no going back.

 

So my question is, why would he tell me this and would you trust someone who kisses their 'friends' and maintains ties afterwards?

Edited by Hopeful30
WhatYouWantToHear Established Member

WhatYouWantToHear

Posted
Posted
So my question is, why would he tell me this and would you trust someone who kisses their 'friends' and maintains ties afterwards?

 

Because he knows you like him and he likes you back. So somebody make a move and get together already.

  • Like 2
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
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You are not exclusive so you can't have expectations of him having limited access to past crushes, FWB, etc. Maybe he told you to keep things above board with you...seriously he likes you, just get on with it.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
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You'd be foolish to continue with a man who doesn't view someone he once kissed in the same light at you do. If you do get together with him, it sounds like you're going to be upset if he sees her and this will only cause problems.

 

Also it's really not uncommon for friends to snog each other after a few drinks but without desiring a relationship or further intimacy. I'm just saying this so that you know he may not have felt anything for her in the past.

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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Turns out the guy friend I have been crushing on feels the same and really wants us to be together. He said it flat out and expressed his feelings for me, I gave in and we got affectionate (no kissing yet).

 

The following day (today), I have a friends birthday to attend in the evening, and I invited him. But he said he doesn't want to go!! The mature thing to do would be ask directly why not, but by his response of "I don't even know this person" I just let it go...except I didn't!

 

I don't want to dig deeper and ask because I'm afraid of what he will say. Why would someone who genuinely has feelings for you and wants to be an item turn down an invitation to go somewhere together? I understand he doesn't like being around a bunch of loud drunkards (and neither do I) but this is a dear friend of mine who I love very much (female).

 

He wants to see me before or after, but not attend with me. What do you think could be a possible reason for this? My ego tells me he doesn't like me enough or that he's embarassed to be seen with me, but I'm trying not to cave to these negative thoughts.

 

Do you have any ideas?

 

Thank you :)

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

Sure I have an idea: he doesn't know anyone there and he doesn't like going to parties where he knows only one person - you. He assumes you would want to talk to your friend and he would not know anyone else. Pretty normal, I'd say.

 

You thinking this is about you and him being embarrassed sounds very needy and insecure. Not sure you are ready for a relationship.

  • Like 11
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
Turns out the guy friend I have been crushing on feels the same and really wants us to be together. He said it flat out and expressed his feelings for me, I gave in and we got affectionate (no kissing yet).

 

The following day (today), I have a friends birthday to attend in the evening, and I invited him. But he said he doesn't want to go!! The mature thing to do would be ask directly why not, but by his response of "I don't even know this person" I just let it go...except I didn't!

 

I don't want to dig deeper and ask because I'm afraid of what he will say. Why would someone who genuinely has feelings for you and wants to be an item turn down an invitation to go somewhere together? I understand he doesn't like being around a bunch of loud drunkards (and neither do I) but this is a dear friend of mine who I love very much (female).

 

He wants to see me before or after, but not attend with me. What do you think could be a possible reason for this? My ego tells me he doesn't like me enough or that he's embarassed to be seen with me, but I'm trying not to cave to these negative thoughts.

 

Do you have any ideas?

 

Thank you :)

 

I can TOTALLY understand his position. It's normal to want to make sure you have some traction and at least a few dates/weeks under your belts before you put it on display for everyone else. It can add unnecessary pressure and if you have a choice and this essentially is going to be your first real date, he is the smart one. That's not where or how you want to do your first real date now that you've decided you are going to date. Establish your relationship together more privately first and THEN 4-5 dates in, IMO, is more normal to start going out in the groups--some people are going to even need more time than that.

  • Like 2
basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Perfectly understandable response from him.

 

Going to a party where he knows only you would be really tough. Allow him to get to know your good friends at smaller events like a restaurant table for 4 or 6 and start taking him to parties as he knows more people.

 

Also wondering why you're making this about you.

  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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Perfectly understandable response from him.

 

Going to a party where he knows only you would be really tough. Allow him to get to know your good friends at smaller events like a restaurant table for 4 or 6 and start taking him to parties as he knows more people.

 

Also wondering why you're making this about you.

 

Yes I agree. It really isn't about you. He is doing the best thing for the relationship. I guess it's one thing if he cannot be social and at a party where he knows few people (or even none) if you were already a couple! That would be a mismatch if you were not into people that can handle themselves a party with some confidence.

 

But i don't think this is what is going on. You are excited bc he says he wants to date you and want to jump all in and into a high pressure situation. You should be able to understand from a mature perspective that this is not the best for the relationship and actually would not want to take the risk of a bad vibe about the party or situation in general making him uncomfortable being transferred onto your relationship. Let things solidify a bit first.

  • Like 1
pidgeon1010 Established Member

pidgeon1010

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You've just officially started dating and it's perfectly fine if he is not comfortable attending your friend's party. It is a little too much too soon.

  • 2 weeks later...
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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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We've only had our first kiss about a week ago, and since then he's been trying to make out with me at the most awkward and inconvenient times.

 

The worst is when we are out having dinner and he stands up, comes to my side of the table, doesn't even sit next to me but standing makes out with me, then goes back to his side. This happens a couple times during dinner while I'm trying to eat. And I'm old school, I think it's impolite to suck face while others are trying to eat...especially when it's not in a discreet manner. Even going up or down on escalators I have to bend awkwardly because he is on a different step and wants to make out meanwhile I'm trying not to fall over or hurt my back. I try to pull away or tell him 'come on this is uncomfortable' but he does it anyways. It feels like he is smothering me already and it's been only a week! Ah!

 

I'm not as into him as he is into me, but I obviously can't say that. It will hurt his feelings, and I DO like him and want to continue seeing him. He says it's because I'm scared or shy, but the truth is I'm just not THAT THAT into him, at least not yet. His timing isn't very good and he makes it awkward, another example being we are walking in the mall and my hands are full, yet he hugs me with both arms while we continue walking and tries to suck face while I'm trying not to drop my things (or spill my drink on myself). And I've told him, 'babe it's awkward to walk when you do that,' and he apologizes but does it again the next day.

 

What would be a polite way to tell him that his affections can be awkward and feel clingy? I've politely mentioned a few times that 'babe I have food in my mouth' or 'now is not a good time I have a lot in my hands' and he apologizes but the next day it's the same.

Edited by Hopeful30
  • Like 1
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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You just say that you find it really off putting that he is doing this in public so much and while he may be comfortable with it you are not and you don't want to put people off of their food...

 

You just have to be blunt with this one I am afraid!

  • Like 11
LookAtThisPOst Established Member

LookAtThisPOst

Posted
Posted
We've only had our first kiss about a week ago, and since then he's been trying to make out with me at the most awkward and inconvenient times.

 

The worst is when we are out having dinner and he stands up, comes to my side of the table, doesn't even sit next to me but standing makes out with me, then goes back to his side. This happens a couple times during dinner while I'm trying to eat. And I'm old school, I think it's impolite to suck face while others are trying to eat...especially when it's not in a discreet manner. Even going up or down on escalators I have to bend awkwardly because he is on a different step and wants to make out meanwhile I'm trying not to fall over or hurt my back. I try to pull away or tell him 'come on this is uncomfortable' but he does it anyways. It feels like he is smothering me already and it's been only a week! Ah!

 

I'm not as into him as he is into me, but I obviously can't say that. It will hurt his feelings, and I DO like him and want to continue seeing him. He says it's because I'm scared or shy, but the truth is I'm just not THAT THAT into him, at least not yet. His timing isn't very good and he makes it awkward, another example being we are walking in the mall and my hands are full, yet he hugs me with both arms while we continue walking and tries to suck face while I'm trying not to drop my things (or spill my drink on myself). And I've told him, 'babe it's awkward to walk when you do that,' and he apologizes but does it again the next day.

 

What would be a polite way to tell him that his affections can be awkward and feel clingy? I've politely mentioned a few times that 'babe I have food in my mouth' or 'now is not a good time I have a lot in my hands' and he apologizes but the next day it's the same.

 

I actually wait until she makes her way to the salad bar and make my move. lol j/k.

  • Like 4
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

What do you mean "I can't say that"? Of course you can and so what if his feelings get hurt? He's embarrassing you in public with his territory marking.

 

I'd tell him "you need to stop this or I'm out of here". It doesn't require that you two make out at the dinner table at a restaurant or on an escalator for your relationship to have legitimacy.

 

Never strangle your own voice when a boyfriend is making you feel uncomfortable. Speak up for yourself.

  • Like 12
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I would not be ok with that. There would have to be some more clearly defined boundaries, or we would be clearly not be compatible.

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Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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God, I could not put up with that. I don't think it's because he's more into you. I think he is just an awkward person without any real skill in this kind of thing. He sounds like an overgrown kid.

 

Why don't you tell him that you're not into PDA and if he doesn't cut it out then you won't be seeing him anymore. Sorry but I don't think being polite and nice about it is going to change anything for you. He sounds like he hasn't got a clue.

  • Like 7
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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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When he notices my behaviour or my comments about not wanting to be so affectoinate in public, he simply says I care too much about what other people think, and he gets upset that I hold so much 'importance' to irrelevant things.

 

To be honest I don't really enjoy kissing him THAT much either, I've kissed other men before whose mouths I've enjoyed far more, but you always have to compromise on something right? No man is perfect...at least this one is great boyfriend material lol

  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

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Posted

I can't grasp why you carry on seeing this guy, when you know you're not much into him.

 

Is it because he's 'better than nothing?'

 

He sounds really irritating.

  • Like 11
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
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When he notices my behaviour or my comments about not wanting to be so affectoinate in public, he simply says I care too much about what other people think, and he gets upset that I hold so much 'importance' to irrelevant things.

 

"No, I care about my comfort level and I'm not comfortable when you make a show out of something that isn't anyone else's business. I do not like that." If he then ignores you after you have directly told him that you do not like that, then you know he doesn't care about you or your feelings: he cares only about himself. When he grabs a handful of your crotch while waiting in line at the movies, will that then be enough?

 

To be honest I don't really enjoy kissing him THAT much either, I've kissed other men before whose mouths I've enjoyed far more, but you always have to compromise on something right? No man is perfect...at least this one is great boyfriend material lol

 

No. You don't. Not on things that make you uncomfortable and you've told them as much.

  • Like 4
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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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I can't grasp why you carry on seeing this guy, when you know you're not much into him.

 

Is it because he's 'better than nothing?'

 

He sounds really irritating.

 

Not at all. I've been single for over two years because I didn't want to settle anymore. This guy came along and I really like him, I'm not oging to dump him just because of something minor like this. He treats me well, he is a good guy, he's just clingy and slightly insecure because he hasn't 'claimed' me fully yet. I am much better looking than him (he isn't a looker at all) and I'm sure he senses that it going to take me some time to grow to be very attracted to him. Maybe that's where tihs insecurity stems from? He doesn't want me looking at other men? But I don't ! lol

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted (edited)

Dealbreaker. No conversation is going to change this incredibly bizarre possessive behavior.....run like the dickens!!!

 

Seriously you are settling and this isn't something "minor". Have fun with that.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 11
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Wow. That isn't even clingy, that's... I dunno how to describe it. Like a high school student who's never made out with a girl before, I think. :laugh:

 

You could ask him to please tone down the PDA, but I suspect there's a big mess behind this one regardless. I can't imagine any normal person doing what you described in the restaurant!

  • Like 7
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
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Dealbreaker. No conversation is going to change this incredibly bizarre possessive behavior.....run like the dickens!!!

 

Seriously you are settling and this isn't something "minor". Have fun with that.

 

^^Beat me to it....

  • Like 2
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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
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Dealbreaker. No conversation is going to change this incredibly bizarre possessive behavior.....run like the dickens!!!

 

Seriously you are settling and this isn't something "minor". Have fun with that.

 

The thing is, I've been with men who weren't as 'claimy' as this one, and they didn't have even half of the wonderful qualities of this guy. Can you blame him for trying to lock down a fox like me? :p

 

I'm not settling. He's the best man I've met so far out of all the men I have dated. That's why I'm asking for advice on how to bring this up in a polite manner without being a direct bitch and telling him to just "leave me alone" when we are in public. It takes two to make a relationship work, I'm not just going to dump him before I at least try to work things out. I care about him, and I like him. Back me up guys!

  • Like 1
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
The thing is, I've been with men who weren't as 'claimy' as this one, and they didn't have even half of the wonderful qualities of this guy. Can you blame him for trying to lock down a fox like me? :p

 

I'm not settling. He's the best man I've met so far out of all the men I have dated. That's why I'm asking for advice on how to bring this up in a polite manner without being a direct bitch and telling him to just "leave me alone" when we are in public. It takes two to make a relationship work, I'm not just going to dump him before I at least try to work things out. I care about him, and I like him. Back me up guys!

 

We did give you a few suggestions on how to talk to him about it...

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