Need perspective - how bad is this? abuse

[lyratheowl]

Typical of mental illness is denial, and negative point of view about getting results. The reality of it is, this is for life and you need to take accountability...work hard at it. Through out your life you will have to continue with therapy...it's not a cure, it just stabilizes so you can function in a healthy way with others. Over time you will have to change medication, and keep communicating with your doctor. You will not see results over night...probably won't see any for months, so don't write off your therapist yet.

 

Until you get this matter under control, a relationship with anyone should be out of the question...focus on getting better, not your ex. That's over, time to move on.

 

What am I in denial about?

 

I said I am taking accountability. And I have said I not focusing on my ex and want to move on. I just don't know my perspective exactly and that is not the same thing.

[No_Go]

OP I will take a different perspective. You mentioned he's an alcoholic - how did HE behaved while drunk?

 

I had an alcoholic ex who gas lighted me that I'm abusive towards him, while he was mooching off my accounts, calling me names, mistreating me in every possible way.

 

Is anybody else in your life familiar with your relationship and able to give perspective? Idk, I just don't believe his sh*t , at all....

 

Not clear who has been the victim here. Just be happy that he's out and never ever get him back...

 

What am I in denial about?

 

I said I am taking accountability. And I have said I not focusing on my ex and want to move on. I just don't know my perspective exactly and that is not the same thing.

[Gaeta]

 

Not clear who has been the victim here. Just be happy that he's out and never ever get him back...

 

He stopped drinking 1 year ago

[katiegrl]

OP, why does it matter how abusive or toxic you were, or he was, or the RL was?

 

We have said that yes it was bad! *You* KNOW you were bad..

 

What more do you need?

 

His behavior was no better, your RL *together* was dysfunctional and toxic.

 

You were not a good partner and neither was he.

 

Learn from *your* mistakes and strive to be better next time....

 

That is all you can do.....

[stillafool]

Shouldn't your therapist tell you how bad your behavior was?

 

I agree with the above. You need to ask your therapist for their perspective on this. Your ex is not coming back and it's good you don't want to get back together. The relationship sounded awful. It's good that you are getting professional help.

[lyratheowl]

OP I will take a different perspective. You mentioned he's an alcoholic - how did HE behaved while drunk?

 

I had an alcoholic ex who gas lighted me that I'm abusive towards him, while he was mooching off my accounts, calling me names, mistreating me in every possible way.

 

Is anybody else in your life familiar with your relationship and able to give perspective? Idk, I just don't believe his sh*t , at all....

 

Not clear who has been the victim here. Just be happy that he's out and never ever get him back...

 

He hasn't touched alcohol in a year. He used to drink and act selfish at the beginning of our relationship but he was also nice usually then too. He's since changed for about a year and half.

 

I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this.

 

Someone I was speaking to online on another site said that my boyfriend could have gas lighted me etc. after I told the exact same story as I have here. I looked up gas lighting and it did make me think a lot and it seemed like it could be true. But I think it's difficult to know if you've been gas lighted as couldn't it apply to a lot of people. Maybe it could apply to me I'm not sure. If either of us did though I know I didn't do it intentionally obviously (although actually having said that I don't even know anymore and I think I may be manipulative narcisst who does everything calculated but doesn't realise). I'm near certain he didn't do it intentionally either. I don't know what difference that makes.

[No_Go]

OP an abusive narcissist won't put the consideration that you do. Something in this story stinks.

 

Has he ever asked you for money? When did the BPD claims came (btw it is all bs unless he has a diploma as a psychiatrist)? In what context? Did he need a lot of alone time, especially during evening/night hours? Did he have an inverted schedule (staying awake very late)? Did you move in very fast? I'm asking the above to paint a picture of him... It is all over the place but may give me an idea.

 

He hasn't touched alcohol in a year. He used to drink and act selfish at the beginning of our relationship but he was also nice usually then too. He's since changed for about a year and half.

 

I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this.

 

Someone I was speaking to online on another site said that my boyfriend could have gas lighted me etc. after I told the exact same story as I have here. I looked up gas lighting and it did make me think a lot and it seemed like it could be true. But I think it's difficult to know if you've been gas lighted as couldn't it apply to a lot of people. Maybe it could apply to me I'm not sure. If either of us did though I know I didn't do it intentionally obviously (although actually having said that I don't even know anymore and I think I may be manipulative narcisst who does everything calculated but doesn't realise). I'm near certain he didn't do it intentionally either. I don't know what difference that makes.

[lyratheowl]

OP an abusive narcissist won't put the consideration that you do. Something in this story stinks.

 

Has he ever asked you for money? When did the BPD claims came (btw it is all bs unless he has a diploma as a psychiatrist)? In what context? Did he need a lot of alone time, especially during evening/night hours? Did he have an inverted schedule (staying awake very late)? Did you move in very fast? I'm asking the above to paint a picture of him... It is all over the place but may give me an idea.

 

Well I was abusive at least anyway I don't about calculated. He might have been abusive too but I don't like to say that I think I am the abuser and I don't want to make it worse by calling my victim abusive too as that is like more abuse or denial or whatever. But if he was abusive in any way it wasn't intentional or calculated or anything. I think he thought I had a personality disorder or something soon after we moved out of the horrible flat finally but I still acted controlling about OCD stuff like cleaning ritual trying control him to go along with it too. So he's been mentioning it in arguments ever since around that time and then after I threw the champagne bottle (which was more recent only a couple of months ago) he said straight after that he thinks I have BPD and that was the first time I started seriously agreeing with him because of what I'd just done and also because he was actually being calm about it instead of in the middle of an argument.

 

I don't really know what you're getting at those questions. But no he wasn't like that. And I didn't move in that fast but as I explained in the original post I only ended up moving into that horrible place out of my own stupidity because I was really confused and I had to move out the place I was staying (long story) ended up moving in with him even though his place was way worse than mine but I was so in love and so deluded that I thought anything would be ok as long as he was there and that he thought it was ok. This way of thinking was all my fault and he didn't do anything wrong or convince me or anything as he was in denial about the place he was living too and just kindly offered I stayed with him because I didn't have any good to go.

[spiderowl]

It does sound like you have some issues and have been controlling because you have been controlled by them to a certain extent. OCD is a serious matter if it is causing you to involve your partner in it too.

 

Having said that, your partner's alcoholism and his preferred living environment suggests he's actually not going to be a supportive partner to you either. He has his limitations and they could have dragged you down. As it happens, you tried to drag him out of them and have succeeded to a certain extent. But I promise you, if you did get back together with him, you would always be the one trying to motivate him to improve things. I have been there and I know how it goes.

 

I am sure you will learn from all this and getting therapy will make a difference and give you someone to talk to about things and the way the relationship went. Keep posting here too for support.

[spiderowl]

She's just one person. It's like talking to anyone. I need lots of perspectives to help me find my own. She doesn't always get what I'm saying either. I've only had two sessions so far but in the last one she compared me to Adolf Hitler as an example to prove to me that even Hitler might not have been a 'completely bad person' because what if he did something nice once. That was not what I was concerned about at all. I know I'm not a 'completely bad person' and I never said that and that's not what I think. So fair enough she misunderstood but then I explained to her that's not what I thought in the first place and then after that she still didn't seem to really understand... It made me feel worse that she was comparing me to Hitler saying I'm not a completely bad person to make me feel better. Because it implies that if that's the only thing she can make me feel better about (not being a completely bad person) then it must be really bad. I know she just misunderstood I guess? but it made me feel way worse anyway. Obviously I want my therapist to understand me and I don't the session wasted by listening to these metaphors and stuff that don't actually relate to what I said. Maybe I'll try to explain again next session and she'll understand. She talks a lot though so there's not much time left to explain and I don't want to waste time. I don't like it when a therapist doesn't say anything but I don't like this either.

 

You need a different therapist.

[lyratheowl]

You need a different therapist.

 

Also, last time I met her she called me saying she was stuck in traffic and would half an hour late. I said ok I'll wait and see her then. Then at the end of the session she asked for payment and I asked if she would give me this session for free as I had to wait and it could have been a missed session easily if I couldn't have waited. In which case I'd think the client should then get the next session free to make up for it. She kind of said no at first saying all this stuff about who she has to pay and then asked me what I thought and then again what I think that it seems fair and would make me comfortable so she said she would give me the next session free but not that one. I don't know it was awkward and I don't know what the done thing is but that's what I felt was right.

 

But in that session she only just told me that the following week she'd be on annual leave and has commitments and she doesn't know when our next session would and she'd let me know. It's all a bit stressful. So far I've had two sessions with her in total including the initial session which was a full hour and I'm meant to pay for. And so far I've haven't paid for anything as she said she'd email me her bank details which she hasn't yet. So I don't know what to do at all even if I do decide to drop her. I might just pay for what I've had and just go to the next session as she said she'd go through the BPD criteria with me. She said she specialises in BPD and used to run a BPD group at a private mental health clinic that I've heard of. There's actually a free BPD clinic local to me but they don't except self referrals so I'd have to either be referred by her or my doctor and I don't know how comfortable I'd be bringing it up to my doctor but I guess I shouldn't be scared about that. You see the waiting list for it is 8 months anyway. I don't know.

Edited June 19, 2016 by lyratheowl

[No_Go]

On your question: my ex was alcoholic and tried to trick me that he's clean, but I discovered it soon. Signs were inverted schedule, he fast tracked that relationship, wanted to be alone at night (to drink - I'd wake up and find him sickly drunk at 3-4 am) etc.

 

Well I was abusive at least anyway I don't about calculated. He might have been abusive too but I don't like to say that I think I am the abuser and I don't want to make it worse by calling my victim abusive too as that is like more abuse or denial or whatever. But if he was abusive in any way it wasn't intentional or calculated or anything. I think he thought I had a personality disorder or something soon after we moved out of the horrible flat finally but I still acted controlling about OCD stuff like cleaning ritual trying control him to go along with it too. So he's been mentioning it in arguments ever since around that time and then after I threw the champagne bottle (which was more recent only a couple of months ago) he said straight after that he thinks I have BPD and that was the first time I started seriously agreeing with him because of what I'd just done and also because he was actually being calm about it instead of in the middle of an argument.

 

I don't really know what you're getting at those questions. But no he wasn't like that. And I didn't move in that fast but as I explained in the original post I only ended up moving into that horrible place out of my own stupidity because I was really confused and I had to move out the place I was staying (long story) ended up moving in with him even though his place was way worse than mine but I was so in love and so deluded that I thought anything would be ok as long as he was there and that he thought it was ok. This way of thinking was all my fault and he didn't do anything wrong or convince me or anything as he was in denial about the place he was living too and just kindly offered I stayed with him because I didn't have any good to go.

[lyratheowl]

On your question: my ex was alcoholic and tried to trick me that he's clean, but I discovered it soon. Signs were inverted schedule, he fast tracked that relationship, wanted to be alone at night (to drink - I'd wake up and find him sickly drunk at 3-4 am) etc.

 

Ah I see. No I'd know if he had been drinking again. When he drinks, he really drinks and I would definitely know it. It's actually really impressive he did stay sober all time that I was making him miserable and stressing him out actually. Sometimes I'd be worried he'd go out drinking after we had argued but he never did. It took him a few times of me telling I won't be with him if he didn't stop drinking to actually stop but that was a year ago and he's been completely sober and not had one drink since.

[lyratheowl]

It does sound like you have some issues and have been controlling because you have been controlled by them to a certain extent. OCD is a serious matter if it is causing you to involve your partner in it too.

 

Having said that, your partner's alcoholism and his preferred living environment suggests he's actually not going to be a supportive partner to you either. He has his limitations and they could have dragged you down. As it happens, you tried to drag him out of them and have succeeded to a certain extent. But I promise you, if you did get back together with him, you would always be the one trying to motivate him to improve things. I have been there and I know how it goes.

 

I am sure you will learn from all this and getting therapy will make a difference and give you someone to talk to about things and the way the relationship went. Keep posting here too for support.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

That stuff is in the past though and he had changed. But I guess I had trust issues still because of it and then obviously my extreme OCD was triggered by it. I don't think he really needs to improve much now.

 

He isn' great at communication anyway though. But if it wasn't for me and my issues I don't think we would really argue. If I wasn't still hung up on the past trauma and trying to control him over that I could have just respected the way he communicates and not have to talk things out so much and then start getting angry frustrated and shouting when he says things he doesn't mean or ignores me because he doesn't want to talk about it or something. That is terrible also crossing his boundaries. He is more action orientated than words whereas I am the opposite so that is where a lot of our natural communication problems come from but I think we did also learn a lot from each other in that regard. Well, I did anyway. I think me wanting to discuss everything logically and him not understanding all the time winds him up then I get wound up that he doesn't understand instead of just dropping it and being nice. And him getting carried away with physical things makes me feel out of control and like something bad will happen. Especially as it did used to hurt me in the past so I was still hung up on that in some way. I know it's ironic because I was the one who was more physically violent in the end by throwing the bottle... He just punched the floor or table a couple of times and only pushed me twice but not that hard and only because I was bothering him and he wanted to him the argument but I didn't realise. I pushed him back once too. But that stuff didn't really bother either of us that much I don't think as it was more the general argument we were having which shouldn't have been happening anyway. But yeah I just wanted to explain some of the communication issues.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you are learning about what happened and thinking deeply about it. You seem very open-minded and willing to learn. Relationships do have their sticking points and it's how people overcome them that matters. I have no guidance on that because I'm not good at it myself. I tend to to give up on them rather than continue to build when it seems to be going wrong. One can't make it work with someone who has destructive tendencies or who is ultimately not supportive. You had to pretty much drag him out the environment that made you unhappy. I am pretty sure you would have had to motivate him during the rest of the relationship too, because he is a 'sit back and let others do the work' kind of guy.