Need perspective - how bad is this? abuse

[lyratheowl]

My boyfriend has broken up with with me. He ran off from me over a misunderstanding but that was just the straw that broke the camels back I guess and I don't blame him. He's now moved all his stuff out and is away in another city planning to move there and won't speak to me. He just said that he doesn't believe things will change, he's tired of being hurt and doesn't trust me. He says I'm a bully and I abused him and also he thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder and need help for that. I should have got help sooner. I wanted to but I couldn't find a therapist I liked enough in the area and also I stupidly thought I could get better by myself. I could have done if I'd done things differently and tried harder but I didn't I guess because I couldn't get better in time.

 

My issue is that I can't get perspective or forgive myself for the way I treated him and making the person I love feel like that and get to the point where he had to leave me. I just feel like a horrible person and can't believe I did those things and acted like that. I need some perspective on what I did please. And also on the relationship. Not really advice about what to do as I know all that already as I don't even have a choice but to move on.

 

I tried to control him to go along with my OCD rituals. Constantly criticising him, asking him to do things like washing his hands and mentioning things to do with my contamination OCD. It's like I can't believe that was me. But it was. And I take responsibility. I don't really care about things and don't want to act that or let it affect him like I did. I have obsessive thoughts about past mistakes too so I'm really beating myself up about it all.

 

At the beginning of our relationship I let him become an element in trauma for me as I put up with his alcoholism and him living in this horrible house share where anyone could move in (it was like a step up from living on the streets). I actually ended up moving in there because I had low self esteem when I met him and deluded myself into thinking whatever he thought was ok was ok when it really wasn't. I just wanted to be with him and to go along with whatever he wanted. Obviously that's not his fault at all it was mine for being like that. So after something happened at this horrible accommodation which bothered both of us but that I was actually traumatised by I then realised it was all wrong and needed to move out. He wanted to move out too but also had low esteem which manifested in a different way. I think he was scared of living in a nice place because he thought the nice normal people wouldn't accept him or something. So he wouldn't bother looking for places to move out and I had to do all the work looking for individual places just for me and places for both of us and kept nagging him and convincing him to help me look for both of us and help him self by looking just for himself too. He'd also miss some viewings because of his drinking. All this caused me to have the extreme OCD related to being trapped in that place with scary people etc.and it wasn't his fault at all that we were in that situation because I chose to move in there when he kindly offered but at that point where we both realised how horrible it was and I was being traumatised he kept making it go on for longer and making it worse by being drunk a lot.

 

So that is why I have still tried to control him related to my OCD because although I have tried to forgive and forget I guess my OCD subconsciously could not forget. It's not an excuse just a reason. There are no excuses for what I've done in my mind. I just feel so bad about it. He's since changed and not drinking for a year yet I still let my OCD fears about the past effect him by trying to control him which is so horrible and unfair. I don't care about those OCD things really I just wanted to move on and be nice to him and happy. I know for sure I could be. We also have natural communication issues between us would be there anyway. He bottles things up then gets really angry and says things he doesn't really mean (I don't if he means them or not but he doesn't normally say those things), calls me names etc. He says normally he lies to me about things so that I won't get mad at him and start an argument. So he says it was all lies and what he says in an argument is the truth. Then when he clams down again he says that he didn't actually mean those things and what he says normally is the truth. But I'd be willing to deal with that and be the bigger person in those situations and just let it go rather than engaging in defending myself against his false accusations etc. I know I can do it. He'd be worth it. But he doesn't want to be with which obviously I accept so I'd just be like that and learn to be nice if I have another realtionship in the future. Also, I lose my temper and get frustrated and angry in arguments too maybe worse than him and raise my voice. Usually what I'm saying is correct and what I think but I say it horribly and raise my voice. Raising my voice is the thing I definitely do and also I won't drop the argument and get caught up over details instead of just letting it go and knowing he doesn't mean it and it doesn't matter. I hate it so much and I'm going to make I never behave like that with anyone again.

 

Also, I'm so ashamed but one time I threw a champagne bottle on the floor between us over something stupid OCD thing I was going internally crazy over and he was ignoring me. I can't believe I did that and there is no excuse I feel terrible. He must have scared. I mean I was scared by it and I was the one who threw it. However, he doesn't believe me that I was aiming for the floor where it landed and thinks I tried to threw it at him but missed. I tried to explain that I know its still bad but that's not true but he won't hear it. Also, he thinks I do other things which I never do like he accuses me of lying etc. I think because of the bottle throwing incident he has it in his mind that I'm an abuser and that I do things which classic abusers do or something which he read about. Like isolating him from friends and family (we moved to another city so we could afford a place together), lying and 'trying to make it so he can't live without me'. None of those things are true whatsoever. So I know I've mistreated him and I feel like a bad person but on top of what's actually happened he thinks I'm worse than I am. He probably wouldn't want to get back with me anyway though so I guess it's besides the point.

 

I feel like this horrible abuser and I just need some perspective on how bad it was and the situation because I know in the past my obsessive thoughts cloud my judgement. However I know it's bad so I really don't know. I'm really not looking for someone to tell it's ok etc. at all. I'm just looking for the truth of what my perspective really is and how bad it really was whatever that may be. So then I can know how to come to terms with that. I know my behaviour was abusive because I have read the definition of abuse. However, I don't know how bad it was or know my perspective on behaviour and the whole situation. Partly because of Obsessive thoughts about past mistakes but honestly talking it through and hearing others perspective is what helps me when I get like this. I can't move forward unless I can know my perspective on the situation and my behaviour so I can come to terms with it and move forward.

 

Imagine your friend came to you and said they'd done the things I've done to their partner behaved that way. What would your honest reaction be?

 

Now imagine someone you care about came to you and told you that their partner had treated them and behaved the way I have to my boyfriend. What would your honest reaction be?

 

I really need help knowing what everyone's perspective and preferably why so I can help know my own. Thanks.

 

And I'm also seeing a therapist now and I'm on anti anti anxiety meds. Don't know how much it helping so far though. But that is not the point of this thread.

[Gaeta]

I tried to control him to go along with my OCD rituals. Constantly criticising him, asking him to do things like washing his hands and mentioning things to do with my contamination OCD..

 

I did not need to read any further than this. This would be enough for me to terminate a relationship.

 

You need help.

 

We learn with our mistakes, you have to accept that one and use it to become a better person.

 

Maybe down the road you'll reconnect with him but for now you have to make yourself a priority and get control over your condition.

 

Good luck.

[lyratheowl]

I did not need to read any further than this. This would be enough for me to terminate a relationship.

 

You need help.

 

We learn with our mistakes, you have to accept that one and use it to become a better person.

 

Maybe down the road you'll reconnect with him but for now you have to make yourself a priority and get control over your condition.

 

Good luck.

 

I know all that already. I need perspective on the whole situation and how bad it was etc. But thanks for your reply.

[Gaeta]

I know all that already. I need perspective on the whole situation and how bad it was etc. But thanks for your reply.

 

This relationship was dysfunctional on both your part. He claimed up, accused you of lying etc, on the other hand you controlled him, were aggressive toward him, and shed all of your OCD on him. It was BAD. Real BAD. He was right for leaving. You cannot tackle these types of problems without professional help. Staying together would have only kept you in an unhappy dysfunctional relationship. You need to not-be-together.

[Lorenza]

It's kinda weird that the main question here is "how bad". Op, do you want me to rate it according to some "bad-scale"? The situation you described sounds very bad. Please talk to someone about the underlying causes of your bad esteem and anger issues.

[Satu]

Its time to invest yourself in a process of recovery which should begin with medium to long-term therapy. Because of your OCD problem, you could benefit from some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

 

I'd also recommend journalling for you.

 

Do not contact your ex. Neither of you would benefit from that.

 

Focus 100% on your own healing.

 

 

Take care.

[lyratheowl]

It's kinda weird that the main question here is "how bad". Op, do you want me to rate it according to some "bad-scale"? The situation you described sounds very bad. Please talk to someone about the underlying causes of your bad esteem and anger issues.

 

I meant just more that I need perspective on my behaviour especially as I'm currently taking all the blame because I believe myself to be horrible abuser and I don't want to place blame on him because that is what abusers do. Yet, I am willing to accept the possibility that my perspective is likely clouded. Because it often is when it comes to my perspective on past mistakes of mine. I don't even know who I am or trust myself at this point and am even worried I am trying to subtly manipulate people on here to get them to think I'm not an abuser by asking about it instead. I mean logically when I look at the story I have done my best to tell it from both sides as best I could but yeah emotionally I do not trust myself. So my perspective is very confused and that is why hearing other people's perspective and logically taking them all on board and thinking about it can help me.

[lyratheowl]

Its time to invest yourself in a process of recovery which should begin with medium to long-term therapy. Because of your OCD problem, you could benefit from some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

 

I'd also recommend journalling for you.

 

Do not contact your ex. Neither of you would benefit from that.

 

Focus 100% on your own healing.

 

 

Take care.

 

That is what I'm already doing. I am not considering contacting my ex or saying anything to get back together if he contacts me as I don't even think I deserve to be with him and I just want him to be happy. I don't want him back and I just wish I hadn't behaved how I did but I can't change that. I just need perspective on it all.

 

That's what this thread is meant to ask. It's about perspective on the abuse etc. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

[Satu]

The way you behaved is the result of emotional wounding.

 

Hurt people hurt people.

 

You're not a 'bad' person; you're a wounded person.

 

I hope you can see that.

[lyratheowl]

The way you behaved is the result of emotional wounding.

 

Hurt people hurt people.

 

You're not a 'bad' person; you're a wounded person.

 

I hope you can see that.

 

You could say that about anyone though.

[Gaeta]

That is what I'm already doing. I am not considering contacting my ex or saying anything to get back together if he contacts me as I don't even think I deserve to be with him and I just want him to be happy. I don't want him back and I just wish I hadn't behaved how I did but I can't change that. I just need perspective on it all.

 

That's what this thread is meant to ask. It's about perspective on the abuse etc. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

Shouldn't your therapist tell you how bad your behavior was?

[Satu]

You could say that about anyone though.

 

Not really.

 

People who behave as you did, have much more wounding, than the average person.

 

You also have a tendency to 'act out' your wounding, which as a consequence, wounds others.

 

Most people aren't in that situation.

 

 

Take care.

[lyratheowl]

Shouldn't your therapist tell you how bad your behavior was?

She's just one person. It's like talking to anyone. I need lots of perspectives to help me find my own. She doesn't always get what I'm saying either. I've only had two sessions so far but in the last one she compared me to Adolf Hitler as an example to prove to me that even Hitler might not have been a 'completely bad person' because what if he did something nice once. That was not what I was concerned about at all. I know I'm not a 'completely bad person' and I never said that and that's not what I think. So fair enough she misunderstood but then I explained to her that's not what I thought in the first place and then after that she still didn't seem to really understand... It made me feel worse that she was comparing me to Hitler saying I'm not a completely bad person to make me feel better. Because it implies that if that's the only thing she can make me feel better about (not being a completely bad person) then it must be really bad. I know she just misunderstood I guess? but it made me feel way worse anyway. Obviously I want my therapist to understand me and I don't the session wasted by listening to these metaphors and stuff that don't actually relate to what I said. Maybe I'll try to explain again next session and she'll understand. She talks a lot though so there's not much time left to explain and I don't want to waste time. I don't like it when a therapist doesn't say anything but I don't like this either.

[lyratheowl]

Yes it could be helpful but still she's just one person. It's kind of like talking to anyone. I need lots of perspectives to help me find my own.

She doesn't always get what I'm saying either. I've only had two sessions so far but in the last one she compared me to Adolf Hitler as an example to prove to me that even Hitler might not have been a 'completely bad person' because what if he did something nice once. That was not what I was concerned about at all. I know I'm not a 'completely bad person' and I never said that and that's not what I think. So fair enough she misunderstood but then I explained to her that's not what I thought in the first place and then after that she still didn't seem to really understand... It made me feel worse that she was comparing me to Hitler saying I'm not a completely bad person to make me feel better. Because it implies that if that's the only thing she can make me feel better about (not being a completely bad person) then it must be really bad. I know she just misunderstood I guess? but it made me feel way worse anyway. Obviously I want my therapist to understand me and I don't the session wasted by listening to these metaphors and stuff that don't actually relate to what I said. Maybe I'll try to explain again next session and she'll understand. She talks a lot though so there's not much time left to explain and I don't want to waste time. I don't like it when a therapist doesn't say anything but I don't like this either.

[Gaeta]

She's just one person. It's like talking to anyone. I need lots of perspectives to help me find my own. She doesn't always get what I'm saying either. I've only had two sessions so far but in the last one she compared me to Adolf Hitler as an example to prove to me that even Hitler might not have been a 'completely bad person' because what if he did something nice once. That was not what I was concerned about at all. I know I'm not a 'completely bad person' and I never said that and that's not what I think. So fair enough she misunderstood but then I explained to her that's not what I thought in the first place and then after that she still didn't seem to really understand... It made me feel worse that she was comparing me to Hitler saying I'm not a completely bad person to make me feel better. Because it implies that if that's the only thing she can make me feel better about (not being a completely bad person) then it must be really bad. I know she just misunderstood I guess? but it made me feel way worse anyway. Obviously I want my therapist to understand me and I don't the session wasted by listening to these metaphors and stuff that don't actually relate to what I said. Maybe I'll try to explain again next session and she'll understand. She talks a lot though so there's not much time left to explain and I don't want to waste time. I don't like it when a therapist doesn't say anything but I don't like this either.

 

You need to change therapist. Not all therapist style matches well with their clients. If you don't click with her, if she makes you feel worse then change.

[Satu]

You want to know how bad it was?

 

It was bad enough to have the result that it did.

[lyratheowl]

You want to know how bad it was?

 

It was bad enough to have the result that it did.

 

I know that. It's one of the things making me feel bad that I was so abusive that pushed away the person I loved and cared about. He loved and cared about me but I treated him so badly that I couldn't put up with it anymore.

[lyratheowl]

You need to change therapist. Not all therapist style matches well with their clients. If you don't click with her, if she makes you feel worse then change.

 

She seemed to understand what I was saying better in the first session and it seemed more promising then. Where I live I'm not exactly spoilt for choice with therapists specialising in what I need either. She specialises in CBT and also DBT which is used to treat Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know. I saw a different therapist only one session when I was still with my boyfriend and then I dropped her because she made me feel a bit uncomfortable/awkard by one thing she did even though she was a really nice lady I thought because of that it wouldn't work. And then my boyfriend was really disappointed. And then I didn't look hard enough to find another one when I should have. My boyfriend said people with BPD (Borderline PD) often devalue their therapist after a few sessions and wish I would stay with the first one and was worried I would do this subsequent ones I think. If I was living a larger city where there was more choice then it would be easier to find a new one. I don't know.

 

p.s. Like I think I said in my original post my ex boyfriend thinks I Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know if I do. I think I might but my rejection issues don't seem to so extreme as I've heard BPD are or I don't know if I even have rejection issues beyond what is normal.

[GemmaUK]

Satu is right

 

OP, what in your past made you behave like this?

How was home life as a kid?

How were your early relationships?

 

You have a realisation of it which makes you more than halfway to stopping this behaviour.

Most abusers have no empathy, remorse nor acceptance that they did anything wrong.

[lyratheowl]

Not really.

 

People who behave as you did, have much more wounding, than the average person.

 

You also have a tendency to 'act out' your wounding, which as a consequence, wounds others.

 

Most people aren't in that situation.

 

 

Take care.

 

Yeah I know but that doesn't make it any better. Most abusers or people who do terrible things are like that. That's what I meant.

[Satu]

Yeah I know but that doesn't make it any better. Most abusers or people who do terrible things are like that. That's what I meant.

 

The choice is:

 

 

1. Act it out.

 

2. Work it out.

 

 

Its all about realising that you have a choice. Once you realise that, everything changes. You discover your Sense of Agency:

 

 

Sense of Agency

 

"Your ability to take action, be effective, influence your own life, and assume responsibility for your behavior are important elements in what you bring to a relationship. This sense of agency is essential for you to feel in control of your life: to believe in your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks or situations. Having a sense of agency influences your stability as a separate person; it is your capacity to be psychologically stable, yet resilient or flexible, in the face of conflict or change."

[lyratheowl]

The choice is:

 

 

1. Act it out.

 

2. Work it out.

 

 

Its all about realising that you have a choice. Once you realise that, everything changes. You discover your Sense of Agency:

 

 

Sense of Agency

 

"Your ability to take action, be effective, influence your own life, and assume responsibility for your behavior are important elements in what you bring to a relationship. This sense of agency is essential for you to feel in control of your life: to believe in your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks or situations. Having a sense of agency influences your stability as a separate person; it is your capacity to be psychologically stable, yet resilient or flexible, in the face of conflict or change."

 

Yes I know I to take responsibility and move forward and obviously I will make sure I will never act like that again.

 

I made this thread because I am taking nearly all the responsibility and nearly all the blame and I think I might be right o do that but I cannot trust my own perspective either way. I know I have obsessive thoughts and over blow my own mistakes so I don't know if I'm doing that. But then if I see what I've done as not being such an abuser but just some abusive behaviour which isn't as bad as I might think in response to him being abusive then I don't think that's true because then I'd be even worse of an abuser for thinking that and trying to blame him and make excuses or something and that would make me a manipulative narcissistic abuser.

 

It's not about knowing what to do or how to move forward because I already know that. It's about my perspective on what happened so once I know that I can deal with it and move forward.

[katiegrl]

That is what I'm already doing. I am not considering contacting my ex or saying anything to get back together if he contacts me as I don't even think I deserve to be with him and I just want him to be happy. I don't want him back and I just wish I hadn't behaved how I did but I can't change that. I just need perspective on it all.

 

That's what this thread is meant to ask. It's about perspective on the abuse etc. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

The full extent of your behavior is hard to determine as we were not there, just hearing about it first hand... after the fact.

 

But from what you have posted yes it sounds very bad. The criticizing, controlling, throwing the champagne bottle, your anger, the drama .... all of it sounds bad.

 

That said, it takes two, and he does not sound like a prize either. So it's best it's over.

 

What is important here is not what we think or even what you think, but what HE thinks.

 

HE felt abused and controlled, criticized, etc .... so much so he believes you suffer from BPD. To which you agree.

 

The only thing you can do now is acknowledge your mistakes, acknowledge you weren't the best partner, learn from your mistakes .... grow, evolve and strive to be better going forward.

 

And seek help for your BPD.

 

Best of luck moving forward......

[anika99]

Your relationship with this man was dysfunctional and unhealthy for both of you. Personally I think his behaviour was not much better than yours and so you should not bear all of the blame and responsibility for the demise of the relationship.

 

 

You have issues and your ex has issues. You sound willing to work on your issues while your ex sounds unwilling to work on his issues or even accept the possibility that he has issues. He likes blaming you instead of reflecting on himself and considering that he may also be contributing to the problems. He cannot diagnose you with BPD and he shouldn't be trying to do so. Do you know that a lot of people with BPD are blind to their own bad behaviour and but accuse everyone else of being BPD or being mentally ill? Just something to think about.

 

 

Take this time for yourself and use it to heal from past wounds and to better yourself. If your ex doesn't do the same then you are better off without him.

[smackie9]

Typical of mental illness is denial, and negative point of view about getting results. The reality of it is, this is for life and you need to take accountability...work hard at it. Through out your life you will have to continue with therapy...it's not a cure, it just stabilizes so you can function in a healthy way with others. Over time you will have to change medication, and keep communicating with your doctor. You will not see results over night...probably won't see any for months, so don't write off your therapist yet.

 

Until you get this matter under control, a relationship with anyone should be out of the question...focus on getting better, not your ex. That's over, time to move on.