soph-walker Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Hello! I have met a guy who works over the road from where I do. We hit it off straight away and moved from being friendly into dating..he's kind and we seem to get on very well. He's not at all my 'type' and we have literally no common ground, but given that I've had these boxes ticked previously and it's gone nowhere - I thought I'd try a new tact. There's just one thing, however, that I keep thinking of and wouldn't mind a new perspective on. The guy in question has had quite a colourful past with taking class A drugs, on what he's described as a regular basis. He's also alluded to a shadowy past, indicating he went a little off the rails, but assures me he's 'a good boy now' (his words). He told me he got addicted to sleeping pills and now takes diazepam to help sleep sometimes. He also told me he smokes marijuana every couple of weeks or so. Without sounding judgemental and uptight...would his past and present drug use raise any concerns for any other woman? I'm at an age where I am serious about meeting someone I can have an adult life with; ie., children, house etc. He has also got his tongue pierced recently which has raised another question as to how mature he is; it seems he's stuck in some teenage rebellious phase. Any thoughts or alternative opinions? Thanks for reading!
carhill Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 How long have you been dating? At what point did he disclose this information? Is marijuana legal where you live? How old is he, generally?
Author soph-walker Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 We've been dating nearly 3 weeks. It's illegal. He's 30 and he told me this last night. X
Versacehottie Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 No, it's not a risk worth taking if you look at people's patterns. I think you can do much better than this. If you look at the behavior of drug addicts who are not in total and full recovery, this is what they will do--justify the use of "easier"/"non-threatening" drugs. It's a huge red flag. If he's truly grown out of it, then he wouldn't be doing these. The sleeping pills can be the hardest things to quit. Why you want to sign up for life with someone who needs pot to cope which sounds like what he does with drugs? He needs them to cope. There's a mentality there that's going on of a guy who is not being honest with himself. I would guess it's only a matter of time before some portion of that seeps into the relationship and if you are hooked on him, it will become the nightmare of your life as well. I don't think you should waste your time. Good luck. 3
Urban_decay Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Don't walk but run far far away from this situation. I met a guy who had a colorful past and was a former drug user. Before it was all said and done, he was a current drug user and made my life a living hell for five years. It's not worth it. I'm not trying to be judgmental because I know people can change but for me personally, its a huge deal breaker. 2
Author soph-walker Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 No, it's not a risk worth taking if you look at people's patterns. I think you can do much better than this. If you look at the behavior of drug addicts who are not in total and full recovery, this is what they will do--justify the use of "easier"/"non-threatening" drugs. It's a huge red flag. If he's truly grown out of it, then he wouldn't be doing these. The sleeping pills can be the hardest things to quit. Why you want to sign up for life with someone who needs pot to cope which sounds like what he does with drugs? He needs them to cope. There's a mentality there that's going on of a guy who is not being honest with himself. I would guess it's only a matter of time before some portion of that seeps into the relationship and if you are hooked on him, it will become the nightmare of your life as well. I don't think you should waste your time. Good luck. Thanks for your reply. I have a feeling that he's keeping a lid on a few more things- he's said he thinks I'm a really genuinely decent woman and I think he sees something stable in me that he lacks in himself. I have previously had a tendency to take people's issues on as my own and try and fix them...I definitely could see this happening as he's an insomniac and whether he admits it or not, is dependant on drugs. He's told me he's very into me and he's not felt like this about a woman for a long time so I'm going to have to think carefully about how I exit this without riling him up. 1
mikeylo Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Your title is incorrect. It's not ' past drug use ' it's present and future drug user. You are minimizing it. 4
Author soph-walker Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Your title is incorrect. It's not ' past drug use ' it's present and future drug user. You are minimizing it. I think I am, I thought I could reconcile the present weed smoking as I dabbled with it at uni and have always thought of it as a softer drug. My bigger concern was the use of class A and how much of an effect it has had on his psyche.
Versacehottie Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Thanks for your reply. I have a feeling that he's keeping a lid on a few more things- he's said he thinks I'm a really genuinely decent woman and I think he sees something stable in me that he lacks in himself. I have previously had a tendency to take people's issues on as my own and try and fix them...I definitely could see this happening as he's an insomniac and whether he admits it or not, is dependant on drugs. He's told me he's very into me and he's not felt like this about a woman for a long time so I'm going to have to think carefully about how I exit this without riling him up. Well good for you for trying someone that was not your typical type--but if you really look at it, he is your type. He has issues in need of fixing! So really what is different?? At the core of who he is (looks, personality etc aside), he is still a problem child. Look for someone who will take care of you for a change! Or equally appealing, an equal. It sounds like potentially being into you is another expression of his addictive personality. That and/or he sees great benefit in being with a good woman (who has blinders on initially) that would be hope/salvation for him. These types can have that feeling but typically f*ck it up down the line anyway. You don't want to be someone's "way out" that is a pipe dream at best if he is still using drugs of any sort. You want a partner, an equal. Just the fact that you said the sentence bolded above should let you know this is a volatile relationship. If you don't want to date him anymore, with a normal stable person, they are able to accept that info even if they don't want that to be the outcome. Good luck 4
Urban_decay Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Thanks for your reply. I have a feeling that he's keeping a lid on a few more things- he's said he thinks I'm a really genuinely decent woman and I think he sees something stable in me that he lacks in himself. I have previously had a tendency to take people's issues on as my own and try and fix them...I definitely could see this happening as he's an insomniac and whether he admits it or not, is dependant on drugs. He's told me he's very into me and he's not felt like this about a woman for a long time so I'm going to have to think carefully about how I exit this without riling him up. Walk away now, I too had/have that same care taker mentality and boy did it cause me a lot of heartache and like I said five years of hell. 2
Author soph-walker Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Thank you for your replies, I'm going to have to knock it on the head. Should remind myself, 'if you have to ask, you already know the answer' And the search for a non homicidal maniac continues (haha). 2
smackie9 Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 I agree this isn't feeling right. You are better off calling it quits with this guy. You can do way better. 1
angel.eyes Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 So, you claim you're looking for someone you can settle down with, have a house, etc. Yet, you pick a guy with a "colourful" past, a "shadowy" past, who "went off the rails a little," whatever that even means. What exactly are we talking about here... besides ongoing (not just past) drug use? Does he have a criminal record? Credit issues? With whom does he associate? Take a step back and examine why you're going after guys who need to be helped, supported, and rescued from their life choices. Most women looking for a reliable partner with whom to build a stable life would run from a guy who is still actively using drugs and describes himself as having a "shadowy" past. You've glossed over and minimized all of this. Examine why your type is fixer uppers. 2
Author soph-walker Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 (edited) So, you claim you're looking for someone you can settle down with, have a house, etc. Yet, you pick a guy with a "colourful" past, a "shadowy" past, who "went off the rails a little," whatever that even means. What exactly are we talking about here... besides ongoing (not just past) drug use? Does he have a criminal record? Credit issues? With whom does he associate? I would like to be involved with a guy who is stable and reliable and up until the moment he told me last night about his past (and present essentially), I had no reason to believe he was anything but stable/reliable. So I've not 'picked' him, his past was something I knew nothing about nor would have guessed at first glance. He insinuated that he went to raves and had 'weekend blowouts' and became an insomniac. I haven't met his friends, but from the way he spoke about them, they sound immature af. I think he has a very addictive personality and would never feel as though we were equals, so I think, as I mentioned earlier- I'm done. It's been good to hear other's thoughts, kind of reassures me that I've made the right decision! Edited June 18, 2016 by soph-walker
Toodaloo Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Soph. This guy may be great for someone but I get the feeling he is not for you... My advice is to have some fun with him (Lord knows you could use it after some of the pillocks you have ended up on dates with), enjoy, but do not let it get serious. Keep your eye open and perhaps just back away... Sorry sweetie... I still have my fingers crossed for you!
Author soph-walker Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Soph. This guy may be great for someone but I get the feeling he is not for you... My advice is to have some fun with him (Lord knows you could use it after some of the pillocks you have ended up on dates with), enjoy, but do not let it get serious. Keep your eye open and perhaps just back away... Sorry sweetie... I still have my fingers crossed for you! Thankyou for this! I have my fingers crossed (and maybe my toes as well for good measure!)
ChatroomHero Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I can tell you after being involved with someone and then finding out she had a heroin problem, the worst thing you can do is get involved with him. He is simply between rehab stints. He is a master of deception. He could walk in to your parents living room, shoot up on the couch in front of your entire family, and somehow leave with everyone apologizing to him and feeling sorry for him. It will not go well. He will lie, even when there is no earthly reason to lie. He will steal, even if he has no reason to steal. His friends will all be users and dealers. Any new, "religious, anti-drug friends" helping him through life, will actually be dealers and users. One final fact - One drink, one pill, one hit of a joint means he is 3 seconds from full blown drug use. So you can take it from me or learn for yourself, but if you do get involved with him these things will happen. 1 week, 6 weeks, a year, 5 years, 8 years, doesn't matter. At some point you'll be looking at being involved and potentially criminally charged, you'll have your entire life savings wiped out, you'll have incidents that happen without you knowing where people come out of the woodwork to sue you or shake you down for money out of association, and you'll have a lot of grief. If you are ok with this, by all means have fun. But if you don't believe me, I'll sadly check back here in a while down the road to read your post about how I was right on every account. 1
Urban_decay Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 I can tell you after being involved with someone and then finding out she had a heroin problem, the worst thing you can do is get involved with him. He is simply between rehab stints. He is a master of deception. He could walk in to your parents living room, shoot up on the couch in front of your entire family, and somehow leave with everyone apologizing to him and feeling sorry for him. It will not go well. He will lie, even when there is no earthly reason to lie. He will steal, even if he has no reason to steal. His friends will all be users and dealers. Any new, "religious, anti-drug friends" helping him through life, will actually be dealers and users. One final fact - One drink, one pill, one hit of a joint means he is 3 seconds from full blown drug use. So you can take it from me or learn for yourself, but if you do get involved with him these things will happen. 1 week, 6 weeks, a year, 5 years, 8 years, doesn't matter. At some point you'll be looking at being involved and potentially criminally charged, you'll have your entire life savings wiped out, you'll have incidents that happen without you knowing where people come out of the woodwork to sue you or shake you down for money out of association, and you'll have a lot of grief. If you are ok with this, by all means have fun. But if you don't believe me, I'll sadly check back here in a while down the road to read your post about how I was right on every account. This^^^^^^ you just described my last relationship down to the letter.
Dork Vader Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I have nearly 2 years sober. I can assure you this mans sobriety is not legitimate and he will not last long. He is doing what is known as the marijuana maintenance program. Some people can do that for years, but eventually it almost always catches up with them. One a person is an addict to ANY mind altering drugs (legal or not) they are always an addict to mind altering drugs of ANY kind, this includes pot. Less then 2% of those who abuse drugs will maintain sobriety for any length of time. The ones that do put their sobriety as their number 1 priority. They do not dabble with alcohol or pot. Are there exceptions? Yes, but the exceptions are extremely rare and I would not count on it. I can almost assure you this man is going to be nothing but heartache and trouble. 2
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