cgk14 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) Hi all, new to this forum and hoping some people can give me advice and there view on this situation... My girlfriend of 9 and a half years abruptly ended our relationship stating 'i dont think I'm in love with you anymore.' and left my home in a rush, i discovered a day later she had been messaging a guy she met 10 days earlier. her attitude went very cold, it actually seemed forced if i am honest. i met her 2 weeks later where she was very emotionally guarded and withdrawn, i initially felt like she was happy to see me and wanted to cuddle me, but was determined not to open up. we began speaking a little over txt following this meeting before she stated 'i am with someone, i need you to stop messaging me.' .. from this point i have seen her with this new person, they havent known each other for 3 months, and seem to be spending a lot of time together, meeting each others parents etc, naturally i am thinking how after 9 years can she just pick up and move on the way she has. i went NC for a month until last week were i had to speak to her regarding money she owed me (i paid her phone bill).. she asked to meet to give me my stuff back (2 months after the break up and subsequently deleted me on Facebook at the same time). we met up and she seemed interested in my life, asking me questions about work, family and just my general well being, what i didn't get a vibe though was that she was missing me. she spends every night with this new person, she met him first on 26th march and ended our relationship on the 6th of april. despite the fact she has messaged me telling me she's with someone, she is now denying it. i have seen them together, so i can't understand why she is lying. they spent ALOT of time together, almost everyday it seems these days. What the reason of this forum is, is to get some general opinions of what seems to have happened. it is worth mentioning that at the point where she met this new guy, it wasn't the best point in our relationship, but far from the worst. is it safe to assume that she may be suffering from GIGS and seems to be on a bit of a rebound with this new guy... my initial expectation is that things were rocky for us and he met her at this time and said all the right things at a time i was saying the wrong, i am assuming she has perhaps liked this new fresh attention and perhaps physically cheated, as a result she has questioned her feelings for me and left in a rush. she doesn't seem to be showing any signs of even having to get over the relationship or missing me. can this be because she is with this new person, getting new attention drawing her emotions else where. i would like to try again, but I'm not sure if this new person is temporary and will falter soon, or if she's head over heels for him. could it be GIGS... or was the 9 years we spent together all just.. nothing. prior to meeting this person and our rough period (which was only about 2 weeks) she seemed very happy. i was wondering if people could shed there opinions on A) if it seems like GIGS or a rebound and B) if she is likely to falter with the new person soon and C) if that occurs will she then feel the brunt of this break up. I know you can't say for definite what has happened or what will happen, but opinions from experience is welcome. sorry for the long post, thanks for any advice. its worth mentioning that we are a couple who in the past worked together to sort issues and spoke to each other if we had a problem, this situation has just appeared from no where and caught me totally off guard. i have absolutely no hesitation in saying if she did not meet this person, we would not have broken up. but i can't understand if she doesn't love me.. or if she is caught up with new fresh attention Edited June 17, 2016 by cgk14 more information 2
Satu Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I don't think its GIGS or a rebound. I just think that the relationship has run its course in her mind. She's moved on to a new partner. As regards your questions: A) if it seems like GIGS or a rebound. Seems like neither. B) if she is likely to falter with the new person soon. Thats unknowable. C) if that occurs will she then feel the brunt of this break up. Again, thats unknowable. The best thing you can do is to focus on your own wellbeing, and get on with living. Take care. 6
smudge21 Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Whatever her reasons or whatever is going on in her life and her mind, the fact remains she was already mentally cheating on you during the relationship and then left to be with someone else instantly. Why on earth would you want to risk anymore heartache and betrayal from someone who has openly showed you how little respect and love they have for you? Value yourself higher and walk away from this one (yeah I know, easier said than done when you love someone). Make it clear that you're not hanging around for her and that it was her decision to leave. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 If you were together that long and she was quick to leave, I'd say she had fallen out of love a while before the break-up. She may not have even realized that or accepted it herself until someone new showed up. A lot of people get comfortable in relationships and sometimes the spark dies. She may have been happy enough, but no longer in love. An important factor here, I feel, is age. How old are you both? 3
Author cgk14 Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Thanks for the replies! Too me, and everyone else surrounding us felt this was a total shock as before she really seemed to be gone and adored me, maybe though this was just something I felt and so failed to see her real feelings.. We were 24, so we do have a history dating back to high school, so taking everything to account I do understand that being together so young has maybe made her question things... It is the timing which frustrates me, too be with someone for so long, meet a person and 1 week later end the LTR and just vanish without a hint of care, and now she's with this person but will not admit it... It is worth noting as a person she's not been the best at dealing with her problems or mistakes.. She's very good and brushing them under a rug and going on until they come back to her, and almost all of them have... My initial thought was she physical (definetley emotionally) cheated and rather than address the problems, picked up her stuff and ran, still continuing with the person she cheated with. My hope is that this runs its course, she wakes up regrets and wants to try again, she has NEVER given up on us before, until now... However I am also realistic enough to think this is far fetch... 1
Author cgk14 Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 I forgot to add, in my own mind, knowing the girl I did, this is guilt driven, I have said from day one if she didn't love me, or have feelings, or even wanted to leave for someone else, I would accept that... But the fact she has left in a rush, the way she did with 0 planning and continues to deny that she is in fact with the person I know she is.. I can't understand why she can't just let me down proper... Instead of all the forced drama, nasty comments and lack of feelings... You would almost think it was I who had broke up with her..... Plus 3 weeks prior to the bu she was all for looking at houses and booking expensive holidays, one weekend on the town and 3 days later she is away. 1
Giggles666 Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 //But the fact she has left in a rush, the way she did with 0 planning and continues to deny that she is in fact with the person I know she is.. I can't understand why she can't just let me down proper... Instead of all the forced drama, nasty comments and lack of feelings... You would almost think it was I who had broke up with her.// Because she feels badly about it but does not want to deal with it IME. Some people are selfish and cowardly when it comes to others' feelings and take the easy route for themselves, and often times they will project onto you. To me that says she does not care anymore and does not respect you much. I would take the advice above of no contact and begin to heal and move forward. Sounds like a first serious relationship to me, you're 24 you are in a fortunate position but do not realize it yet. Better things to come, after you move on and heal. Sorry, but it happens. You will be ok it will just take some time, keep your health up, keep your mind occupied and maintain if not improve your own self-worth. 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 This reminds me of what happened to me though we were together for 4 years and engaged for just over 1. He left me for another woman as well, became extremely callous and transactional to tie up our loose ends. That was the last time I saw him he was completely not receptive to working things through. I come to find out he met someone at work and they are also together now. You can read up on my story from my thread I won't bore you with the details. With all due respect to all those claiming the "spark" was gone. The spark was gone for ME too in our relationship and I don't know if I was feeling "in love" with my man anymore either but I think that feeling escapes us all once the honeymoon is over and in fact I would go through phases of having that "in love" feeling for a few months and then things would feel a little flat again. Isn't that what it should be like in a long term relationship? Once that love turns into something deeper you won't feel as "in love" but that deeper love feels stronger. I don't know what you ex was feeling but it sounds like she just needed someone else to make that move and it could have been during a time of feeling "less in love" but unless you guys had fundamentally wrong things happening in the relationship like you didn't share the same interests anymore,you didn't enjoy your time together, you had grown into different individuals I do believe there is a certain degree of GIGS in the mix there. Were you still affectionate? Spending time together and enjoying each other? Having sex? Expressing your feelings to each other? The intimacy was still there? Those are telltales of a relationship where there is still love. 1
Author cgk14 Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Yes I agree, cowardly with a serious lack of respect, which is what confuses me more, in 9 years I knew her inside out.. Well I thought so anyway, and in those 9 years she done nothing but respect me, if someone had given me £1bn pounds to gamble with whether she would leave the way she did, or leave in a respectable dignified manner, I'd of put it all on the later, her behaviour is completely out of character -my initial expectation is that she has made a serious mess off things (emotional cheating) which has felt like fresh new attention at a period were I probably had become complacent, secure is the word I would use.. And bailed out of guilt and poor advice from friends, however she made the decision and like I said.. Rather than deal with her mistakes.. She had always just went with them expecting to disappear. I (want to) think this is another of those mistakes, but clearly I cannot rely on that being the case. Sunkissedpatio- there were no underlying issues not mentioned, except perhaps that I had a flare up p my anxiety issues, however this was by no means the worst this has happened in 9 years, it perhaps frustrated her but I don't think it was the deciding factor. With regards to the bellow question as much as I can't say things were fantastic, I would have to give each of those questions a positive response, (affectionate - yes, spending time and enjoying - yes, sex - yes but not every day r anything dramatic like that, largely down to living in a small home with her mum, expressing feelings 100% we were a couple who spoke about our problems and always used to say 'we're best when we work together' only 6 weeks before split we were in Rome celebrating her birthday (I got her the trip as a present) and despite a few niggly arguments I walked away from the trip feeling more secure than anything.. We would see each other everyday and ALWAYS strive to make effort even if only for 30 minutes... So too me this incident was very abrupt, no great deal of thinking or planning and imho driven by poor advice and wrong reasoning, however I can't be sure and I am seeking others opinions on the situation, not how to proceed forward. It's worth mentioning that recently we were out for lunch and since then she has been light texting me making some effort at times and being blunt at others... I don't think her new lumber knows we went for lunch or that she has text me, however I can't be sure. Not really sure what it all means. 1
basil67 Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 If you were together that long and she was quick to leave, I'd say she had fallen out of love a while before the break-up. She may not have even realized that or accepted it herself until someone new showed up. A lot of people get comfortable in relationships and sometimes the spark dies. She may have been happy enough, but no longer in love. This is exactly what I was going to write. Regarding GIGS - I have no idea why GIGS has become a 'thing'. Everyone who leaves a relationship does so because it no longer suits them and they believe they can do better. This is what happened to your girlfriend. Will the new relationship last? Only time will tell. It may go the distance - or she may end up dating a number of different men over the next few years as many mid 20's people do. 4
Satu Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 This is exactly what I was going to write. Regarding GIGS - I have no idea why GIGS has become a 'thing'. Everyone who leaves a relationship does so because it no longer suits them and they believe they can do better. This is what happened to your girlfriend. Will the new relationship last? Only time will tell. It may go the distance - or she may end up dating a number of different men over the next few years as many mid 20's people do. Very very true. 1
Joseph z Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I'm sorry to hear your ltr ended. It's hard when you've been with someone so long to imagine going back into dating life, but it's not as daunting as it seems once you get out there. You can't take her back. She crossed the line and if you guys did get back together how could you ever feel confident that she wouldn't do the same thing again. 2
Author cgk14 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 You guys are probably right, it's a crappy situation, deep down I hope she comes back and is willing to put effort into trying again, but given the way she left me, I don't have much confidence she's willing to come clean. As for the new relationship... For a couple that have recently started together, and especially when one member is so fresh out of a serius LTR I don't think she's taken her grieving time and as a result I believe they are hot in the honeymoon phase, they are together for hours upon hour every single day, seems a bit fast to be real.. But perhaps I'm just wishful thinking... Personally I don't think she fell out of love with me before, or at all, we had a plan that was on track. I think an opportunity arose and she caught herself up in it, regardless the truth remains she left me for someone she met for 7-10 days... Silly person-! What is everyone's perspective on how long a honeymoon period last for someone with baggage? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I will explain something here that you won't like: She did her detaching and grieving before she broke up with you. That is how she was able to move on seemingly so quickly. I am speaking from personal experience, for what it's worth. Even if you had a plan for the future and you felt she was in love, she sadly wasn't as committed to that plan or to you as you thought. If she were, she wouldn't be with someone else. That's not to say she planned her exit, necessarily. However, it's clear that something wasn't right for her anymore. When the new opportunity presented itself, she jumped at it. That's a big, blinking indication she was already checking out of your relationship. As I mentioned before, she may not have even realized the depth of her feelings of detachment. Sometimes we try to repress those before a break-up, because we don't want to really acknowledge we don't feel the same way anymore. Many years ago, after a 5-year, live-in relationship, I seemed to have moved on quickly too. But the truth was that I had fallen out of love before I actually left. I could have handled that situation much more maturely than I did, but it happened. I suspect that's what's going on here too. It's impossible to say how long the honeymoon period will last, and you shouldn't concern yourself with it. How much time she spends with him shouldn't even be information you have. It won't help you. It might fizzle out quickly or it might not. Block as much information as you can about her, and concentrate on you. 4
Satu Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 OP: You've got your attention focussed where it can do the least good. Speculating about the demerits of her new relationship, and how long it will last, is drinking up time that could be better spent on yourself. She's gone. She upped sticks and has left your life. Focus on yourself. Thats the only place you do any good. Take care. 3
Author cgk14 Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 As you can imagine I've spent a while tearing my hair out and looking for the 'red flags' etc about why this happened.. I put it down to two things, my own anxiety issues didn't make everyday a blessing, but it wasn't by any means close to a horror show, this times with a busy schedule maybe caused her to feel a bit alone, however here lis the 2 problem, that she should have spoken to me. With regards to what happens I think she's jumped at the first guy knocking at her door, and is very invested in it for the moment, n time the warmth will run out and the burden of our relationship will show through at some point (I hope).. And she will be tested with mr new, if that were to happen Im99% sure she would contact me, however I appreciate she may pursue this and he may be the one. At the moment she is very lightly hot and cold texting me again, asking for help financially, to me this screams that she is having all the fun in the world with the guy she's head over heels for, but is still relying on me to some extent... IMHO you don't fall out of love, you simply lose track and bury it, this defines how a couple will succeed, you can't be 'in love' forever but you can live and cherish someone for ever... Perhaps one day she will realise her feelings were masked by the excitement of new attention.. Maybe il be here maybe not! Time will be the biggest test 1
Satu Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 You are waiting on the sidelines hoping that her new relationship will fail, and that she'll then come back to you, but the truth is that if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. She isn't, so she doesn't. She doesn't so she isn't. You are in the denial phase of the grieving process. "The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include: Denial — The first reaction is denial. In this stage individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality. Anger — When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"; "Why would this happen?". Bargaining — The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon, so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" During the fourth stage, the individual despairs at the recognition of their mortality. In this state, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it." In this last stage, individuals embrace mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. People dying may precede the survivors in this state, which typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable condition of emotions. Kübler-Ross later expanded her model to include any form of personal loss, such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or income, major rejection, the end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, and even minor losses." In the case of a lost romantic relationship, it works something like this: "Grieving a lost amorous relationship Denial - The person left behind is unable to admit that the relationship is over. He/she may continue to seek the former partner's attention. Anger - The partner left behind may blame the departing partner, or him/herself. Bargaining - The partner left behind may plead with a departing partner that the stimulus that provoked the breakup shall not be repeated. Example: "I can change. Please give me a chance." Alternatively, he/she may attempt to renegotiate the terms of the relationship. Depression - The partner left behind might feel discouraged that his or her bargaining plea did not convince the former partner to stay. Acceptance - Lastly, the partner abandons all efforts toward renewal of the relationship." Source. Eventually you will come out of the denial stage, and begin to make progress. I hope that happens sooner rather than later. Take care. 2
Trinity7 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Ugh, it's just so painful, isn't it? I'm really sorry she did that to you. I'm in a similar boat, and it's awful being stuck mentally wondering what went wrong, what we could've done differently, what they're thinking, if they'll come crawling back, if we'll take them back... All that thinking is exhausting, and I'm starting to realize it's unproductive. But it's hard to stop, I know :/ Whether she's just caught up in the excitement and romance or not, the fact of the matter is she upped and left with no regards for your history or your feelings. At first we just want to have them back and put things back how they were so we can stop feeling the panic and pain. But if you really think about it, nothing can ever be the same again with them. Once the foundation of trust is cracked, I don't think it can ever be fully repaired. Say you got back together-- you would forever be afraid of her disappearing again. I never in a million years would've believed my ex was capable of just up and disappearing overnight. But apparently he was. There were no signs, no indicators that he was unhappy. He was saying all the same romantic things he always did up until hours before $hit went down. But he flipped the switch, picked a fight and went back to his ex, and although it's hard for me to put this cold, distant man together in my head with the sweet, attentive one who never treated me as anything less than a princess, the reality is he is both of them. And you can't unsee or unlearn that If there's no trust or security in a relationship, what do you have? Of course my heart of hearts wants him to realize what a huge mistake he made and for me to be able to welcome him back with open arms and for us to go on to have the beautiful life together we were planning... But that's my heart. My brain knows I couldn't take him back no matter how much I want to (and the answer to that is more than anything!) because I would end up being miserable. Every time he got distant I would panic. Every time he went out I'd wonder if he was cheating or even coming back. Every time we faced an issue I'd be afraid to voice my opinion for fear it would flip his switch again. That's no way to live If they are capable of disregarding our history, our connection and our love once with no regard for how much it will hurt us, they're capable of doing it again And to me that can't possibly be true love on their part. You simply couldn't destroy someone like this if it was coming from a place of true love. I think they're more shallow emotionally than we are, and though I believe they loved us in their own way, it obviously wasn't enough. Fickle love that can be transferred on to another so quickly isn't what I want for myself. I'm trying to keep sight of the fact that I want more and deserve better.. You do too. And I sure hope you aren't helping her out financially like she's asking That is so cruel. She doesn't get to have what parts she wants from you in her life while rejecting the rest. I would go NC so she can see what life is really like without you in it, and take the time to really soul search about what your relationship would look like in the future if you did reconcile. I think you'll come to the same conclusion that I am-- it'd be full of distrust, anxiety, fear, jealousy, panic, etc. etc. You don't want that x 2
gaig Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 My brain knows I couldn't take him back no matter how much I want to (and the answer to that is more than anything!) because I would end up being miserable. Every time he got distant I would panic. Every time he went out I'd wonder if he was cheating or even coming back. Every time we faced an issue I'd be afraid to voice my opinion for fear it would flip his switch again. That's no way to live This is so true, even though my heart is resisting like hell.. 1
Author cgk14 Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 Satu - I agree I am sitting n the sides clinging to what hope I still have, but is it not possible to assume -whilst not relying- that people do make huge mistakes and only realise what they had once they let it go? Trinity7 - thanks I hope you are well too in your situ too, I know things would be different if there ever was roconciliation because of what has happened, and the trust would be damaged, however from day 1 I did not trust her, we built trust, I'm not sure I believe it is impossible not to rebuild that trust, so long as time remains our friend! You make an interesting comment about foundations being cracked, I go back to her new relationship, they seem to be moving fast and all is well atm, but there foundations will be built on rubble from day 1 due to her baggage... I make this point because as you said, she is picking and choosing which of me she wants and doesn't.. I said before and I think I'm a round about way you have agreed, she seems to need our lifestyle, but wants it with new person. Until she falls out of whatever loved up rose tinted goggles stage she's in, she's not going to see the flaws and consequences of her actions is she... I believe in second chances, I want us to have a second chance, but I stand firm on the matter that if it is ever to occur, she is the one who must come and try, I done nothing wrong,I helped cared and comforted for her, and she tossed it. The balls were its been for 2.5 months... Her court..
Trinity7 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Yes, at the very least they would have to be the ones to attempt the reconciliation.. And for me, I don't know that he could say or do enough to overcome the hurt and betrayal I feel. But of course I wish he would try. I'm hoping that desire passes for me though. In the end we've all got to do what is best for us and our unique situations, so I do hope for your sake she realizes what she's lost and comes crawling back for you if that's what you want x. It's so hard to determine what's right at this stage. I'm hoping with the time and space NC is giving me I'll get a clearer perspective at some point. 1
Author cgk14 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 I agree, I'm going to focus more on building myself and looking forward, its really the only option for us, however just because they gave up on us, doesn't mean that we are any better if we give up on them, but at the same time, life goes on. time will tell
kgcolonel Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Just curious. What financial help is she seeking and under what circumstances would you provide that for someone who has done this to you? Just can't picture it atm 1
Author cgk14 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 KGCOLONEL - general asking to borrow money for day - day living, paying some bills, nothing serious. I can't fathom a lot of it either, she's not a 'stupid person' by any means, so i can't understand why she feels it acceptable to do what she's done, but feel safe enough to expect i will still help her out.. to me that screams 'i dont want you atm, but i need you.'
kgcolonel Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 KGCOLONEL - general asking to borrow money for day - day living, paying some bills, nothing serious. I can't fathom a lot of it either, she's not a 'stupid person' by any means, so i can't understand why she feels it acceptable to do what she's done, but feel safe enough to expect i will still help her out.. to me that screams 'i dont want you atm, but i need you.' I really hope you told her that her new BF is her new source of walking around $$$. Not criticizing but if you gave her $$$, I really feel for you.
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