harnold Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 So we're both in our mid/late 20s. Ive known her since 2011 and we dated a few years on and off since. To make a long story short, shes been indicating uncertainty to me these past few months in our relationship. This is due to a few factors, much of it work related. Her fears were always temporary - however, this kind of took a turn this past week. She told me last week she wants to date other people and have more experiences, and shes already been on some dates. Of course, this kills me. I want to try to fix the work-life balance, but I know it will be hard. But I want to try. Although she's still down to do things with me, she also wants to continue doing what shes doing now, going w the flow, seeing other people if she wants, etc. Is it wrong for me to want to continue to try to patch things in this situation? Is it disrespectful to myself for me to do nice things for her as she sees other people? She has a date today, but we still have plans together tomorrow... is there anything wrong with courting her while she also sees other people? I just want to know everyone's thoughts (dont get me wrong, im not happy with it, but i want to do my best to fix things) 1
Satu Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 It's obviously unworkable, given your feelings about it. You can try and try and try to feel OK about it, but you don't, and you won't. What that means is as obvious as the nose on your face. Sorry. Take care. 6
Author harnold Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 It's obviously unworkable, given your feelings about it. You can try and try and try to feel OK about it, but you don't, and you won't. What that means is as obvious as the nose on your face. Sorry. Take care. I'm not sure I understand. It wont work out because it hurts me that she dates other people, as I try to fix things and also date her? I mean, is it not normal to feel hurt by this? People who are in my situation, who are "ok" with it - are you saying they are more likely to be able to work through these things? Would you please explain what you mean? 1
kgcolonel Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 i have always found that in a relationship, you're either moving forward or back. Once you move back, it's better to exit....my experience is that if you stay, you're over invested compared to her and you're in for a heart pounding. Were it me, I'd back off...if she decides that she misses you and wants to come back, she knows where to find you, providing you're still available. I'd move on but in a friendly way. I'd tell her that you respect her wishes and want to find someone who is "all in" with you. From what you say, it sounds like to me that she's okay with you taking her places and all but not to be committed to you. Good enough to let you take her to dinner and dates but not good enough for BF GF. Not my personal cup of tea. 4
sooshi Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Some people are completely fine with not being exclusive. Some people want to be exclusive. You want to be exclusive. She doesn't. You can try to conform to what she wants, but if, at your core, it bothers you that she wants to date other people too, it is unlikely to work out. I tried being okay with what my ex wanted. It didn't work out. He wanted an open relationship and with few boundaries. I really tried to be okay with it and to want everything you wanted, because I wanted so much to be with him. Choose yourself and don't forget what it is you really want. 2
kgcolonel Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I'm not sure I understand. It wont work out because it hurts me that she dates other people, as I try to fix things and also date her? I mean, is it not normal to feel hurt by this? People who are in my situation, who are "ok" with it - are you saying they are more likely to be able to work through these things? Would you please explain what you mean? The people who are okay with it, are looking to move forward in the relationship, not recover it. There is a dramatic difference. The more independent and strong you appear, the more attractive you'll appear to her and to others. 1
Satu Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I'm not sure I understand. *It wont work out because it hurts me that she dates other people, as I try to fix things and also date her? I mean, is it not normal to feel hurt by this? **People who are in my situation, who are "ok" with it - are you saying they are more likely to be able to work through these things? Would you please explain what you mean? *Forget 'normal.' 'Normal' doesn't exist. It won't work out because it hurts you that she dates other people, as you try to fix things and also date her? Yes, exactly that. **Most people would find it unacceptable. By 'most people' I mean the vast majority of people. But what other people think or do, doesn't matter, because you aren't most people. You are just you. Its unworkable because she will be having fun while you're feeling hurt, undervalued, and miserable. Take care. 5
Author harnold Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Thanks guys for all your answers. Sounds like you all think i should move on. I mean, i dont fault her. I definitely couldve done a better job in the rrelationship. Is there really no way to just fix my work/life balance with her and reinject that spark into our relationship? 1
Satu Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Thanks guys for all your answers. Sounds like you all think i should move on. *I mean, i dont fault her. I definitely could've done a better job in the rrelationship. **Is there really no way to just fix my work/life balance with her and reinject that spark into our relationship? *Its just a matter of the two of you wanting different things. Neither of you are wrong. **Only you and her can answer that question. Take care. 2
LD1990 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 The sooner you give up hope of trying to fix things, the better. The issue is not her work life balance. The issue is how she feels about you, and that's not something you can change. She isn't serious about you. When two people are into each other, their relationship gradually progresses and becomes more serious. You two have been on and off for years, and now she wants your relationship to be less serious, which shows that she doesn't feel that strongly about you. Go no contact. Don't let someone keep you around as an option, you're not being fair to yourself. 2
Sunnymae Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 What about the other person she's seeing are they going to be okay with this? Is she planning on telling them or is this going to be a stealth relationship ? What if the feels insecure and don't agree with these arrangements? 2
Imajerk17 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) So we're both in our mid/late 20s. Ive known her since 2011 and we dated a few years on and off since. To make a long story short, shes been indicating uncertainty to me these past few months in our relationship. This is due to a few factors, much of it work related. Her fears were always temporary - however, this kind of took a turn this past week. I zero'd in on this sentence. Her sudden change of heart makes me think that there is a recent development w someone specific whom she wants to try things out with. I don't think she is just "going on dates" where the reason is because "you work too much". Just a heads-up OP. I guess we cannot be certain this is indeed the case, but definitely in the realm of possibilities. You just might be her back-up plan in case things don't work out w some new guy. Edited June 17, 2016 by Imajerk17 1
Author harnold Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Go no contact. Don't let someone keep you around as an option, you're not being fair to yourself. Would love to. Unfortunately we now work together. So best i can do is keep it strictly business. What about the other person she's seeing are they going to be okay with this? Is she planning on telling them or is this going to be a stealth relationship ? What if the feels insecure and don't agree with these arrangements? Well I'm sure if things got serious with either one of us she'd gave to choose. But like I said above, we do work together, and this will probably last at least a few more months (we're on the same project), so hed have to be ok at the very least with that (including us traveling together for business, close quarters mutliple times a week, etc)
Author harnold Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 I zero'd in on this sentence. Her sudden change of heart makes me think that there is a recent development w someone specific whom she wants to try things out with. I don't think she is just "going on dates" where the reason is because "you work too much". Just a heads-up OP. I guess we cannot be certain this is indeed the case, but definitely in the realm of possibilities. You just might be her back-up plan in case things don't work out w some new guy. That is really interesting. I think you are right. Like I said, we work together. Today, I was with her for about 4 hours working on our project, and she was literally texting some new guy the entire time. For 4 hours. I know she went on a date this past weekend, but things dont usually progress THAT fast between people. Something must have been brewing for some time. So, I think you are right :/ to text some guy for 4 hours... there's really no way I can compete with that kind of connection, even if i wanted to. Sigh
Author harnold Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 She also told me on Saturday that she no longer wants to make any plans with me outside of work whatsoever, and was insistent on that. Her date with the guy was Friday. Wish there was a way to make things right here...
Sunnymae Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I'm sorry. My heart goes out to you. Do what's best for you.
Jersey born raised Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Harold, I perfer to read past threads and or posts before posting to get a sense of the person and their history. You stared posting in 2012, four years ago, and have 18? Threads nearly all on the same topic. Is this the same girlfriend the whole time? One thread mentioned you own a business with her so this workplace friend is an employee of your's. This project you mentioned is not a project it is an on going business. While it may a very long post could you review your past threads and post a summary here?
juniorrocha Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Harold, let me tell you something I learned the past few days. When someone wants to be with you, they WILL be with you. No matter what and I mean it. She's clearly not as invested as you are, therefore I can only see you breaking your heart over and over again. What you want is not what she wants, so it can't and won't work. You should go full NC and start moving on; avoid her as much as you can. It doesn't matters who went wrong in the relationship, what matters is that you're trying and she's not. Let her go. Work on yourself, heal and eventually you'll be able to meet someone who truly wants to be with you. 1
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