TableTop Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Hi guys, I was on here awhile ago, you can read my previous threads, but I was pretty emotional. 8 months ago I went through a break up (together 1.5 years) and I have not been the same since, I am 25 male. I still cry over the loss of the relationship / her at least once a week (this has been going on since 3 weeks after the break up, I am the dumper and realized I made a mistake, I am only human). I cry even thinking about how much pain I put her through, and wonder why someone would ever do that to someone. I even get sad when I am out with friends and cant enjoy myself as much as I should be. I have a great life and great friends and I have more money than I have ever had in my life. I am just concerned this is not normal. I have never missed anyone like this before and really just want this to end. She entered a new relationship about a month after our break up, I do not contact her because I want her to be happy and do not want to interfere with anything. I go on dates but it just makes me miss her more. Even when I see her in public I physically feel sick. Last time I saw her, she made an effort to talk to me when she was with her boyfriend. I kept the conversation short ("hi", "I am good" then I walked away, I did not want to drag it because I know what it would do to me emotionally). I also found it very disrespectful for her making an effort to talk to her ex boyfriend in public when she was with her boyfriend (she went out of her way to get my attention). But now I even feel bad that I hurt her by keeping the conversation short when she wanted to talk more. I feel like I deserve this pain because I was the one that dumped her. I realized I made a mistake and have payed the price and learned from it. But its like a ghost that haunts me, I even hate going to sleep because I know how I am going to feel in the morning. 1
ChocolateRain Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Sorry you are going through this but reading your other thread you did bring it upon yourself . As the old saying goes .... you never know what you have until its gone ... She is in a new relationship and it should be respected ...however, you could write her a Letter and tell her how you feel to get closure . But that could backfire !!!! in your case its probably hard to let go and deal with your mistakes ...life's lessons 2
juniorrocha Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Hey TableTop, First thing, let me ask you a few questions: 1) Have you been exercising? 2) Are you completely NC? (that means no stalking, no texting, and getting rid of everything in your life that may remind you of your ex) 3) What about hobbies? A month doing the above and I feel a big improvement in my life. The only one who can make it stop is yourself and it will happen the sooner you start doing the above. I'm sure you can do it. Also, learn to let go. Anytime you think of her, or you fantasize, or you want her back, simply say to yourself "she's no longer mine, she's free and so am I, and I will get through this". It helped me. You'll get well soon! 2
Author TableTop Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Thank you ChocolateRain for reply. I wrote here a letter back awhile ago about 3 weeks after our break up, no response and I have no clue if she ever received it. Honestly, if i think I wrote a letter now she would be extremely confused, I am almost positive she thinks I have no feelings for her. But you are right about your statements, I caused this mess and that's what makes it so hard. 2
Author TableTop Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Thank you for your reply Satu, for awhile after the break up I started drinking and partying alot more (always been a person who likes to party), but I was still exercising, fitness has always been a big part of my life. But I realized I could not live my life like this so buried myself in work. I have 3 jobs and have been crushing debt and saving up a ton of money to project myself into a bright future. I also have been developing a software platform as well. But in the reality I work so much is because I can't stand being alone (use to never be like this) so I figured I might as well stay busy making money. 2
Author TableTop Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Thank you for your reply Juniorrocha, to answer your questions. 1) I have always been very active working out 6-7 days a week, it has toned back a bit now since I work so much, maybe 3 days a week. 2) I am no contact where the only time I see her if we see each other in public, where she tries to talk to me but I aviod it as best as I can, I work at a popular bar. But I do not text or call or anything like that, been no contact for months. I am guilty of checking her social media even tho I removed her on everything. 3) Working, lifting, running, walks, going out with friends thank you for your wise words, I will say that to myself whenever that happens. 2
Satu Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Thank you for your reply Satu, for awhile after the break up I started drinking and partying alot more (always been a person who likes to party), but I was still exercising, fitness has always been a big part of my life. But I realized I could not live my life like this so buried myself in work. I have 3 jobs and have been crushing debt and saving up a ton of money to project myself into a bright future. I also have been developing a software platform as well. But in the reality I work so much is because I can't stand being alone (use to never be like this) so I figured I might as well stay busy making money. I think you need to take a more structured approach to your healing. Obviously, drinking and partying too much doesn't help, so I'm glad you're not doing that. Exercise is good, but it only goes so far. You might benefit from taking a more psychological approach, such as: Short-term counselling, to deal with the loss of the relationship. Short-term means six to twelve sessions, focussed on the one issue. Journalling *can be* just as effective as counselling but costs nothing. You just free associate and write, but you can gain significant insights and realisation. Meditation and /or Mindfulness. Both are good for 'tidying up' the mind. Reading recovery books. There are many good ones out there. Those are just a few of many available options. Do you feel that you've done your necessary grieving? When you describe the way you are feeling, it makes me think that the cause of your difficulties might be blocked or omitted grieving. By that, I mean that you feel your grief, but it isn't getting processed, so it just sits there, never reducing. Am I right? Take care. 2
Author TableTop Posted June 20, 2016 Author Posted June 20, 2016 Satu thank you for the reply, I was in counselling for about 4 sessions to get help, but the counselor just kept on telling me to tell her how I feel and he was saying things that she may not be happy in her new relationship, so is hould try and get her back. I felt like it was not helping as much, maybe I should of listened to him. I will look into journalling and start writing and see if that helps before going back to counselling. I will try recovery books as well. I know I am nowhere near as bad as I was 3-4 months. I feel the progress, but yes I do feel like it just sits there and comes in waves. Good days and bad days. There is a lot of regret, and a lot of what ifs. I wish I could process and move on and not worrying about crying over her or wishing she was with me. Thank you everyone for your replies, you have all been great and this helps me alot because there are not alot of people I can turn too. 1
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