TheeTedMosby Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Hey guys so this is my first time posting here, I've read through some threads and seen some replies and some advice given and I'm just really hoping for more of the same as I am hurt, upset and frankly confused. So here we go... This wasn't a long relationship by any means (1 month) but I fell hard for this girl and I mean really hard, they talk about love at first site and this was most defiantly the case, as soon as I first saw her I was attracted to her and knew that I was in to this girl. We work together me being 21 and herself 17 so there was a bit of an age gap but that didn't bother either of us. One shift at work we started talking more and more then what we normally do and we got all handsy with each other (nothing sexual) but still intense, after the shift we exchanged numbers and then we constantly texted each other and it eventually turned into FaceTime calls to 4/5 am in the morning. I found out though that she was engaged (at this point I should've ran far) but something kept me there and I was intrigued by this girl, she told me all about her relationship and how she didn't love him anymore and how it caused emotional damage to her, I was just trying to be there for her and never once did I encourage her to break it off, in fact my advice to her was to "just do what makes you happy". Anyway after a week of talking she told me that he broke up with her because of her being distant with him, that was when our relationship started, it was pretty much straight away (this should've been the second time I started running, not giving her time to grieve her ended engagement) but still I was falling harder and harder for her and I just wanted her. Anyway after a couple of weeks of talking constantly I invited her to a party of mine with a group of people from our work, while their we drank a bit, and about 2 am we moved the couch, settled down and just started watching movies, we were under the covers and we eventually started making out and feeling each other (we didn't have sex though), she was the last person to leave the next day (about 1 pm) and when she did go we kissed again. After that our relationship got more and more intense, we started talking about our futures together, getting pets, having kids and taking them to school etc... Stuff like that. What I thought was going perfect started to go downhill fast though, I took her out for dinner last week to a really fancy restaurant but while we having dinner she was on her phone looking down her ex fiances Facebook profile, when I asked her why she was doing this she said "I'm looking for a reason to tell him he ****ed up" (this should've been the 3rd time I ran away), but still I couldn't. We left the restaurant and she wouldn't let me hold her hand saying that if somebody sees they'll tell her ex (4th time) and when I took her home she wouldn't kiss me saying that her sister is probably watching and her sister still spoke to her ex (5th time). Anyway it got to Monday and we was texting all cute like and out of nowhere she hit me with the dreaded "I think we need to talk about us", my heart sank into my stomach as what I had been expecting to happen actually happened she told me that she missed him and that she needed time to get over him before we went any further, which ok is fair enough and I should've given her time in the first place but our relationship was so intense that it didn't occur to either of us. I went into work a wreck, crying and distraught over this, the girl I loved and spoke to about raising a family with had just destroyed my soul by ending it with me, I was soon told (an hour later) by a colleague that she net to a party on Saturday night (which I knew about) and ended up kissing another guy and let another feel her up, I was then told that she went on a date with the guy she was kissing at the party and that they had sex in his car. The breakup hurt me bad but finding out this information killed me, as someone who suffers with trust issues and depression I went to some pretty low and dark places (without going into detail) and then yesterday she officially got back together with her ex and started tagging him in romantic stuff all over Facebook and Instagram almost as if the last month never happened. I told this girl I loved her and she told me that she loved me to, I spoke to her about a family and for a guy like me saying that stuff is hard to do. I'm torn between missing her and wanting her back and never wanting to see her again. Why has this affected me so much and why can't I help but want her still after everything she did? 1
YourNotAlone Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 It really seem like you were a rebound she tried getting over her fiancé by using you to push all the weight off but realised she couldn't do it without him + she cheated on you whilst you guys were dating to me she has no respect for you and I'm sorry to say but it's the truth she never loved start NC and move on that's the best option for you my friend. Take care 2
Satu Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 You really built a castle in the sky there. Did you really believe that she meant all that stuff about marriage, kids and all? At 17 years of age, she is a long way from any kind of maturity. Physiologically, she still has a child's brain, and your own brain has still got five or six years of growth to do. Forget completely about marriage and kids. Do some innocent dating instead, with girls nearer to your own age. Keep a sense of proportion. Don't go overboard again. Take care. 4
Author TheeTedMosby Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 You really built a castle in the sky there. Did you really believe that she meant all that stuff about marriage, kids and all? At 17 years of age, she is a long way from any kind of maturity. Physiologically, she still has a child's brain, and your own brain has still got five or six years of growth to do. Forget completely about marriage and kids. Do some innocent dating instead, with girls nearer to your own age. Keep a sense of proportion. Don't go overboard again. Take care. The thing is yeah I did believe her, I know it was stupid of me but I did. For a 17 year old she seemed at the time to be very mature for her age, obviously now I can see that she done some very immature things. Thanks for your advice 1
sooshi Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 You're deeply attached to her. After only one month, I'm not sure it's love. If it were, she wouldn't have done what she had done. The relationship wouldn't have progressed as it did. Move slower in the future. In fact, move slowly. If a guy ever told me he wanted a family, children with me, etc. when I barely knew him and only knew him for a short time, it'd be red flags all around, and I'd run far away. 2
Author TheeTedMosby Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 It really seem like you were a rebound she tried getting over her fiancé by using you to push all the weight off but realised she couldn't do it without him + she cheated on you whilst you guys were dating to me she has no respect for you and I'm sorry to say but it's the truth she never loved start NC and move on that's the best option for you my friend. Take care That's what I thought after we broke up, I did start to think to myself that maybe I was just a rebound but I think a part of me hopes that I wasn't. I think you're right about the having no respect for me, my friends have all said the same thing and the fact she wouldn't even tell me any of this stuff pretty much confirms it. I am going to start NC as hard as that is for me right now considering I still have some feelings for her and it's made harder by the fact we work together. Thanks for the advice 1
Author TheeTedMosby Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 You're deeply attached to her. After only one month, I'm not sure it's love. If it were, she wouldn't have done what she had done. The relationship wouldn't have progressed as it did. Move slower in the future. In fact, move slowly. If a guy ever told me he wanted a family, children with me, etc. when I barely knew him and only knew him for a short time, it'd be red flags all around, and I'd run far away. Yes I am deeply attached to her, I do believe I love her though, I mean I've had relationships on the past where k thought I was in love but wasn't but this one felt different. I'm not making excuses, Es we dos move at a rapid pace and talk about things that we shouldn't of been talking about until years down the line, would you believe me if I told you she was the one who brought all that stuff up first? 1
Addicted18 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Yes I am deeply attached to her, I do believe I love her though, I mean I've had relationships on the past where k thought I was in love but wasn't but this one felt different. I'm not making excuses, Es we dos move at a rapid pace and talk about things that we shouldn't of been talking about until years down the line, would you believe me if I told you she was the one who brought all that stuff up first? I know how you feel, I became attached and addicted to a woman (but not in a short period of time like you did) that I know will lead to me being heartbroken down the line because there are just so many red flags, yet I still can't seem to let her go... I've never felt this way about anyone in the past, which makes me sometimes think is this one special and really is my true love? I know that's probably an excuse to hold on to her, but I NEED to go NC and let her go. Love and addiction really does mess with your brain and makes you become illogical. You've only been with her for a month, so I suggest forget about her and never speak to her again. She's only 17 and isn't mature enough to know what true love is and I can see how she would talk about having a family and everything down the road. All girls want to eventually want to have a family and she probably got caught up in the moment and brought it up. Go NC and try your best to forget about her. Don't think of her or check her social media because it will just prolong your healing. I'm going through it right now, so I know how it feels. I'm trying my best to go strict NC so I can get over her and stop feeling hurt and depressed. 1
LD1990 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I'm not making excuses, Es we dos move at a rapid pace and talk about things that we shouldn't of been talking about until years down the line, would you believe me if I told you she was the one who brought all that stuff up first? Yes, I'd believe it. In fact, I imagine she brings all that stuff up with every guy. She wants that initial rush of romance, she just doesn't want anything else after that ends. Let this be a valuable lesson about making better choices regarding the girls you date, because this girl was a walking trifecta of red flags: -Coworker (can work but almost always doesn't and leads to awkwardness) -Underage (whether it was legal or not a relationship with a 17-year-old girl is bad news) -ENGAGED (danger danger, do not pass Go, do not feel up the girl who supposedly plans to get married, if she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you) 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Sorry you're hurting, OP. It's obvious you really liked her. But honestly? It sounds to me like she had been cheating on her "fiance" with you. She tried to hide you for a reason. If not that, you were the rebound but she was still hoping her fiance would come back. When he did, you got the boot. But look, she is basically a kid. She is nowhere near mature enough to be talking about marriage and children. She's not even legally an adult herself yet. This girl is playing house, so to speak. It's fun to daydream but that's all it is at this age. You simply cannot expect a serious commitment from someone who isn't legally old enough to vote, OP. In the future: -date girls closer to your age -stay away from girls who have boyfriends -slow way down. Talk of marriage after just one month isn't realistic at all 2
Author TheeTedMosby Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Thanks for all of the advice everybody 1
Satu Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 I think there was a huge amount of projection going on between you. You projected all your hopes and dreams onto her, and thought that she could be your route to eternal happiness. You could call it hyper-limerence. If you've learned something from this experience, it's not entirely wasted. As regards talk of marriage, kids, etc: Almost everyone has that talk; in 99% of cases, its just talk. Back to life. Back to reality. Take care. 3
Author TheeTedMosby Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 I think there was a huge amount of projection going on between you. You projected all your hopes and dreams onto her, and thought that she could be your route to eternal happiness. You could call it hyper-limerence. If you've learned something from this experience, it's not entirely wasted. As regards talk of marriage, kids, etc: Almost everyone has that talk; in 99% of cases, its just talk. Back to life. Back to reality. Take care. Thank you, I did project a lot of thoughts and feelings to her and that's a hard thing for me to do as I've been hurt and mistreated in the past so I find it extremely difficult to do things like that. After the advice that has been handed onto me here and through friends and colleagues at work they have all advised me to just try to forget the hell she put me through and have NC with her at all (apart from when necessary at work). As hard as it has been for me the last week I feel as though I'm able to see things more c;early now then I was, it doesn't mean that I'm not still hurting because of everything that's happened because I am and a part of me does still miss her and would still like to be with her (as I'm sure most people who recently come out of a relationship would feel) but I know that I shouldn't feel like this but at the moment it's involuntary for me, I know that with a bit more time I'll be ready to fully move on and start dating again and who knows, I may actually be treated right 1
Author TheeTedMosby Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 *UPDATE* So I was working yesterday with her for a few hours, I'm not gonna lie but it was so hard not to just go up to her and talk to her and hug her like I'm used to doing. what was a real kick in the teeth though was she was wearing my jumper and when she walked past me she didn't give it back to me, she didn't even say a word to me. Later on in my shift, one of the managers who I'm good friends with was talking to me about what had happened and he seemed pissed for me that she still had my jumper and that she was wearing it in front of me, he also pulled me aside and told me that on Sunday (when she went on a date with another guy) she was speaking to him about it and "felt the need to explain herself to him" by saying she had just come out of a serious relationship and needed to decide who she wants to be with: me or the other guy. He just told her that what she is doing was wrong. Other staff members were talking to me about her as well calling her different names which upset me because a part of me still feels like I should stick up for her regardless of just how much she has hurt me, they were telling me I deserve better (which I do) but I just am struggling to let go of what I thought was a great situation. I'm seeing her post things on Facebook and tagging her boyfriend in (her ex fiancé who she left to get with me) and I can't help but think to myself why would you go back to somebody who you criticised to me about so much, why would she run back to him, if she thought that about him once then what makes her think it'll work out better the second time around? 1
LD1990 Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 I'm seeing her post things on Facebook and tagging her boyfriend in (her ex fiancé who she left to get with me) and I can't help but think to myself why would you go back to somebody who you criticised to me about so much, why would she run back to him, if she thought that about him once then what makes her think it'll work out better the second time around? She's 17. Making dumb decisions is to be expected at that age. Also, you have a very limited perspective of her boyfriend. There's probably still a lot she likes about him, she just only chose to share her criticisms of him with you. You need to go real NC to move on, which means blocking her on Facebook and any other social media. It's just going to hold you back if you don't. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 OP, while it hurts, you need to remember you are talking about a teenager. She doesn't yet have that maturity you are looking for. That is why she makes silly choices. She hasn't developed her ability to predict the consequences of her decisions or accurately judge the impact her behaviour has on other people. You need to delete her on FB. You're not helping yourself by checking her updates. Keep in mind that while you two had fun, it didn't exactly have much potential to begin with. She won't be ready to settle down for a long time yet. 2
Author TheeTedMosby Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 *UPDATE* So it's been a couple of weeks since we broke up and I found out all of this information and truth be told; I am not feeling any better in the slightest, I still miss her, I still love her and want to talk to her all the time but I've come to accept that I can't do that so I guess that's a slight bit of progression, anyway... I worked with her for the first time on Friday since the break up and the truth came out, the night before I was feeling nervous and anxious about seeing her as I thought I was getting to a place where I could start to move on but as soon as I saw her I felt a burst of emotions' hate, sadness, happiness and just being pleased to see her. The first thing she said to me was that "I don't want things to be awkward between us" what I thought and what I said was two completely different things (I thought if you don't want awkward you shouldn't of cheated on me) but I just said "don't make it awkward then. Later on in the shift she got really ill and just pretty much had a tough time breathing so I walked her to the medical room and just sat with her for about 10 minutes (it felt like hours) and we just generally had some chit chat between us about our jobs and a family member of hers passing away recently and I felt as though I had actually calmed her down as her breathing had seemed to return to normal but in the end one of the managers sent her home. This is the confusing thing though that keeps playing in my head, when she came up to get her things I glanced over at her while she was talking to somebody and she just kept looking at me with a smile on her face and then she stuck her tongue out at me in a playful/flirty manner (which is something we always used to do when we were together), I just smiled and looked away. About 5 minutes later she started walking back up the stairs and called me over (just me) and asked when I was next working so I told her and she said she'll see me then and she gave me a hug, those ones where she raised her hand and wrapped it around my neck and mine was on her waist (just like a couple does) but she didn't pull say or anything like that and the hug lasted for a decent amount of time. Since then those moments have been playing in my mind, like why did she do that knowing that I'm not over her, what's the point of trying to play mind games? If they even are mind games? She texted me late last night at about 11:45 saying that she was ill and that she wanted to know if anybody wasn't working so they could cover her, she asked one of my friends but they all hate her over everything and he went off on one at her and she was just asking for a bit of advice on messaging the managers saying that she wouldn't be coming to work (today) and she seemed really great fun for my help. Right now I'm just so confused on everything because she knows that I know everything that happened but she's acting like everything is normal and flirting and messaging me even though (at times) I've just been very blunt with her.
LD1990 Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 She's a flirtatious 17-year-old girl. That's why she's acting like a flirtatious 17-year-old girl. You're clearly still hung up on this girl. You need to stop with the flirty bull****. Don't be blunt with her at times. Be blunt with her at all times. Keep communication strictly professional, do your job, don't chitchat, and don't text her. If she texts you, ignore it or, if it's about work, keep your answer work-related. She's 17 and you dated her a month. It's time to move on and date women, not children.
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