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Huge Problem with My Date who used to be ex GF

HelloWorld11

By HelloWorld11
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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HelloWorld11 New Member

HelloWorld11

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Hi all, I would like to know what do you guys think about my situation.

 

1 year plus ago, I met this girl who then became my Girlfriend we broke up after 6 months of relationship. She is a very complicated girl suffering from depression. She gotten her depression from a car accident whereby she was left with a big scar on her leg. Until now it is still affecting her a lot and she always want to find a tattoo to cover up her legs scar but her parents do not allow her to. During this r/s, we have some big issues. One is her Guy BFF , the other one is her drinking habit.

 

She had a Guy BFF back then who used to be one of her ex boyfriend. Her bff had been really close to her even when after they broke up, they still went drinking clubbing and he is also the main reason for most of her r/s that didnt work out.

 

So after we were together, I told her straight that that guy will be a big obstacle in our r/s because I felt like he still like him if not he wont go to that extent however she keep convincing me that he is just a normal good friend. Throughout this r/s, there have been alot of good times. Her family loved me , and I loved them too. I myself come from a complicated background whereby my mum does not stay with me anymore and are very distant from me. Probably because of that I became close to her MUM. We loved dogs, rescued dogs together and I really love the way she act towards animals. She is very kind-hearted. But we do have our bad problems too, she is alcoholic, she drink and get drunk. Her group of frens disliked me as I want her to change. When we were reaching the end of our r/s, her bff came in and destroyed my r/s.

 

In the end she found out he still liked him and want to be together with him. She was confused and did not know what to do. Once he brought a girl back and she was so jealous. I could not understand why she is so jealous if she do not like him too. I was so pissed. What is even more pissed was, she was working for a Festival Clubbing Event. She is the one selling drink but she managed to get herself drunk. After being drunk she somehow contacted her bff and she went up her house. Hours later she called her parents to fetch her home and her parents scolded her for 2 hours. She was devastated and broke down. I went up her house knowing I should be angry but I try not to scold her as she is already very upset and I dont want her depression to be worsen. That was when

She Flipped.

She became distant from me and very cold to me when i did not do ****. She somehow found a really good friend and became close to him.

 

Eventually we broke up. Days later I tried to patch back with her but she do not want to be with me anymore and we spitted since then.

 

6 months later, after not see-ing each other and minimum texting. We went out to study for our uni papers. That was when I realize she just broke up with her ex bf and I also realized my feelings for her is still there. After knowing that her ex bf treated her really badly, like cheated on her . Her life with him is so boring that she actually tried to commit suicide but she failed.

I was really pissed off and I wan to love her all over again.

 

Since then, we started dating each other. During the separation, we sort of find opposite partners as a rebound to forget this r/s but it didnt really work out well. We still loved each other deeply.

 

I told her that this is really a rare chance as it felt like fate bring us back together and we should try it out for the last time.

We know it will be very tough as we are not exactly ready to commit for each other. She has trust issues due to her past r/s whereby she was cheated a few times. I have trust issues because of her.

But this short dating period only last for slightly more than a month. We were really sweet together, I stayed at her house most of the time. She went through surgery and I am there for her. But things suddenly flipped .

 

One night after she went to attend her bff birthday party. I was really sensitive and told her that i hate him and do not wan him to be in our life. She still went ahead for the party and really upset me. To her she thinks he is just a normal friend but to me I hated it really alot. So after that I ignored her for one whole night The next day she texted me asking should we remain as friend instead as she felt she is hurting me .

 

I went up her house and exploded all my frustrations on about the past and present. She couldnt take it anymore and told me that we should not be dating anymore. I was so pissed , in the end i give in and told her we can slowly work things out but it is too late.

 

She flipped.

 

Since then she has been really cold to me and have been hanging out with her friends and she told me she might like this guy and say sth like she will use him to forget about me and moved on. I completely cut of contact for 2 days and on the 2nd day she texted me she miss me and she is sorry. SO I feel so ****ed up . I LOVED HER ALOT she is like the world to me.

I went to find her to clarify if she wan to patch back, because I still love her alot. However, she say cant really move on but have to. She explained really rationally that we wont be happy together but I cant accept who she is and the things she do will only upset me. We came to a conclusion that it is better if we be friends and we seems relieved about it.

 

Honestly, I know that this r/s is bad for me but I feel like she is not hopeless and I wan to make her a better person. The next morning i called her and explain to her i still love her a lot i cant move on. Even if i found a rebound , i still cant forget about her how about we just try one last time. But she insists that she do not want to hurt me anymore. In the end, she say she will think through as I am going holiday trip tmr. A week later she will give me her answer.

I REALLY REALLY LOVE HER , I WANT TO BE THERE FOR HER. I FEEL SHE IS REALLY SPECIAL , different from other girls. But she felt like she is a burden to me and will only hurt me .

 

Can someone tell me what to do.....................

 

( sorry there is so much more to this STORY but its almost impossible to write all these down )

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

Honestly, I know that this r/s is bad for me but I feel like she is not hopeless and I wan to make her a better person.

Hi OP, welcome to loveshack

 

I'd like you to explain to me more in detail what you mean by the sentence I quoted. Thank you.

Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

Where did your dignity and self-respect go?

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to beg and plead for attention?

 

She clearly doesn't want to be with you.

 

NC

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 3
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HelloWorld11 New Member

HelloWorld11

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Hi OP, welcome to loveshack

 

I'd like you to explain to me more in detail what you mean by the sentence I quoted. Thank you.

 

Honestly, I know that this r/s is bad for me but I feel like she is not hopeless and I wan to make her a better person.

 

Hi Emilia. She feels that because of me , I cant focus on my studies and my business. She feels really burden about it. She feels hurt when im hurt even when I never say anything, it can be seen from my face.

 

To me her thinking is really unstable, I wan to be make it stable again. She been through alot, she had already undergo like 6 surgery for her leg. She tried to sucide after that incident by eating sleeping pills but she managed to arrived to A&E on time. I feel really responsible to her and during the first relationship . I can see that she really improved her person as a whole. I felt like her mum really entrust her to me. She will say things like she has changed quite a lot now. Which is really good. I dont want her to feel so stress and pressured , so negative all the time. She will get influenced by her peers easily.

  • Author
HelloWorld11 New Member

HelloWorld11

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Where did your dignity and self-respect go?

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to beg and plead for attention?

 

She clearly doesn't want to be with you.

 

NC

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

 

Take care.

 

Hi Satu, I understand but I feel like she still really love me and is stuck in the middle. She told me that at times she wanted to start over again with me but she thinks she dont deserve it and i will get hurt in the process again. She feels we wont be happy together .

Alamo657 Established Member

Alamo657

Posted
Posted

If you feel like a woman is not into you, it's because she's into somebody else (or somebody else is in her if you get my drift).

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

To me her thinking is really unstable, I wan to be make it stable again. She been through alot, she had already undergo like 6 surgery for her leg. She tried to sucide after that incident by eating sleeping pills but she managed to arrived to A&E on time. I feel really responsible to her and during the first relationship . I can see that she really improved her person as a whole. I felt like her mum really entrust her to me. She will say things like she has changed quite a lot now. Which is really good. I dont want her to feel so stress and pressured , so negative all the time. She will get influenced by her peers easily.

Do you think that an adult should be another adult's caretaker? Do you think that it is healthy for a man to treat a woman he is in a relationship with as an incompetent adult? Because this is what you are describing.

 

Do you think it's your job to decide whether she is influenced by her peers easily? Do you think it's fair on an adult when her boyfriend thinks she can't look after herself? How do you think that makes her feel?

 

Do you think it was fair from her mother to think that her daughter is so incompetent that she needed to 'entrust her' to you? How do you think this girl feels when adults around her think she is a child?

  • Like 1
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HelloWorld11 New Member

HelloWorld11

Posted
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Posted
Do you think that an adult should be another adult's caretaker? Do you think that it is healthy for a man to treat a woman he is in a relationship with as an incompetent adult? Because this is what you are describing.

 

Do you think it's your job to decide whether she is influenced by her peers easily? Do you think it's fair on an adult when her boyfriend thinks she can't look after herself? How do you think that makes her feel?

 

Do you think it was fair from her mother to think that her daughter is so incompetent that she needed to 'entrust her' to you? How do you think this girl feels when adults around her think she is a child?

 

I think you are right. I never thought of this before. She is already 22.

  • Like 1
sooshi Established Member

sooshi

Posted
Posted

I agree with Emilia about codependency.

 

She is not your responsibility. You are not her caretaker. It sounds like she needs a lot of support, but not the kind of support that you should be providing.

 

You also say this relationship is bad for you, yet you want to stay and save her. That is codependency. Do you feel like helping her will make you feel better about yourself? Will it give you a sense of identity?

 

I have gone to therapy for codependency in the past. It could be beneficial for you as well, and help you build a healthy relationship with yourself, so that you can have healthy relationships with others.

  • Like 1
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HelloWorld11 New Member

HelloWorld11

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I agree with Emilia about codependency.

 

She is not your responsibility. You are not her caretaker. It sounds like she needs a lot of support, but not the kind of support that you should be providing.

 

You also say this relationship is bad for you, yet you want to stay and save her. That is codependency. Do you feel like helping her will make you feel better about yourself? Will it give you a sense of identity?

 

I have gone to therapy for codependency in the past. It could be beneficial for you as well, and help you build a healthy relationship with yourself, so that you can have healthy relationships with others.

 

Didnt know of this too.... thanks for giving advices. Possible to describe yout past experience so i can learn from it?

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HelloWorld11 New Member

HelloWorld11

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Anymore help!

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

Yes, check out the Addiction section here on loveshack. It's full of well meaning people who think it's their job to fix someone. Take a look and have a think.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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