blocker Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 My BF moved cities to be with me leaving behind his family and friends. Because of this, he doesn't have many friends here and generally just wants to spend most of his time hanging out with me. I get a lot less friend/ me time as he wants my time. He does go to events to meet people and does some of his hobbies. Generally we communicate via text, and talk on the phone nightly. He has said he builds relationships and friendships by shared experiences, and does not really text friends for the sake of conversations, but likes being able to text me random thoughts or things about his day (because he is bored). However, when he goes back home for extended visits to see friends and family, he generally packs his day full to the point where he doesn't have much down time to check in with me. Text messages are extremely limited or responded to when he is with friends, and I've noticed the replies are weak and seem to be sent just for the sake of responding with something before he is out of cell reception for the rest of the day.. I am feeling hurt and neglected. I give up tons of my time to be with him here somewhat neglecting friends, and once he goes back home he can't seem to find that balance to maintain this relationship while i am back here. I almost feel like our relationship suffers when he goes back for a visit. I will send random text messages telling him i miss him, or can't wait for him to come home etc. but he won't ever say such feelings on his own. It'll only ever be said back in response (or so it feel this way).. A lot of the times I have to convince myself that he wouldn't move here if he didn't care. I can't help how i feel -- I very well may be in the wrong, However, I am looking for some thoughts and opinions on this situation.
Author blocker Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 It seems strange that you complain about having a lack of "me" time because your boyfriend wants to be around so much, but when he finally does give you time to yourself, you don't like that either. What exactly do you want? I would like a balance. While he is here, I do my best to see him as much as I can. I keep up with the relationship. We don't have any issues -- other than i struggle with not really having my own life outside the relationship. However, once he is away, he puts his all into his friendships and I feel that he functions by an ALL or NOTHING approach. He needs the face to face time to feel wanted/loved, however once he is gone for X amount of time, and we can't have the face time, he doesn't seem to put the effort into communicating. I just want to feel loved, and important..
Buddhist Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Yeah I wouldn't be too worried about him going dark when he's visiting all his family and friends. It's kind of to be expected, it's a visit. He's trying to fit as much in as possible. Perhaps what you are more upset about is that you sacrifice for him while he's home but he doesn't appear to be sacrificing for you. The way to fix that is stop sacrificing everything for his sake. Make time for your friends, don't become his crutch. You will see that he will be just fine and that perhaps your sacrifice wasn't necessary in the the first place. Sometimes we do things we think are expected when really they aren't and we're performing an obligation that was never there in the first place. 4
Tribble Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I would like a balance. While he is here, I do my best to see him as much as I can. I keep up with the relationship. We don't have any issues -- other than i struggle with not really having my own life outside the relationship. However, once he is away, he puts his all into his friendships and I feel that he functions by an ALL or NOTHING approach. He needs the face to face time to feel wanted/loved, however once he is gone for X amount of time, and we can't have the face time, he doesn't seem to put the effort into communicating. I just want to feel loved, and important.. Does he ask you to sacrifice your time to spend as much as you can with him? Or do you do it because you feel like you should? Maybe out of guilt for him moving to you and leaving friends and family behind? He seems really consistent actually. You say he doesn't like to text friends etc but prefers experiences with people to build relationships. Being far away, if he doesn't really message them, of course he's going to want to pack his time with experiences with them. I'm assuming he doesn't text them while he's with you? That he gives you all his attention when he's with you? It's only fair he does the same with his friends. But you say he does text you to check in. You might not like the content of those texts, but he's trying. You both need to get a balance. You shouldn't be sacrificing friend and alone time to give him your attention exclusively. By doing that, you're also stopping him from needing to reach out and find some new friends in the area he now lives. You need to talk about it. I don't think you're being neglected but you can't help the way you feel and I understand why you feel that way. Sometimes feelings are completely irrational. How long have you lived together for btw?
Lois_Griffin Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I just want to feel loved, and important.. So...I guess having moved away from everything and everyone he knew and loved to be with you in your city isn't enough to 'feel loved?' Alrighty, then. 2
Author blocker Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Does he ask you to sacrifice your time to spend as much as you can with him? Or do you do it because you feel like you should? Maybe out of guilt for him moving to you and leaving friends and family behind? He seems really consistent actually. You say he doesn't like to text friends etc but prefers experiences with people to build relationships. Being far away, if he doesn't really message them, of course he's going to want to pack his time with experiences with them. I'm assuming he doesn't text them while he's with you? That he gives you all his attention when he's with you? It's only fair he does the same with his friends. But you say he does text you to check in. You might not like the content of those texts, but he's trying. You both need to get a balance. You shouldn't be sacrificing friend and alone time to give him your attention exclusively. By doing that, you're also stopping him from needing to reach out and find some new friends in the area he now lives. You need to talk about it. I don't think you're being neglected but you can't help the way you feel and I understand why you feel that way. Sometimes feelings are completely irrational. How long have you lived together for btw? He wants all of my free time. If i don't have plans, he wants to be with me. If friends invite me out, he thinks that offer should always be extended out to him as well. He has literally become my only social outlet. Then of course when I am busy, he goes and does things with the few people he knows here. we don't live together. We have been dating for a year. I think the struggle is really that he wants to spend time with me/friends to show he cares and to develop relationships based on shared experiences, where as I need more consistent communication/validation. However, he says he can't give me the communication i require.
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) I'm sorry he sounds selfish. Demands all your free time cuz he has no friends and nothing to do, but when he goes back home, he's so busy with his friends he hardly communicates with you and expects you to just understand? Screw that.... Have you discussed this with him? How unfair and unbalanced that is? If it were me, I would stop spending all my free time with him. Make plans with your friends... do your own thing from time to time. He needs to stop being so dependent on you .... and start making his own friends. It's time! Edited June 17, 2016 by katiegrl
Author blocker Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 I'm sorry he sounds selfish. Demands all your free time cuz he has no friends and nothing to do, but when he goes back home, he's so busy with his friends he hardly communicates with you and expects you to just understand? Screw that.... Have you discussed this with him? How unfair and unbalanced that is? If it were me, I would stop spending all my free time with him. Make plans with your friends... do your own thing from time to time. He needs to stop being so dependent on you .... and start making his own friends. It's time! Yeah Ive tried to talk to him about it. He justifies it by saying he's away and misses friends. He wants to spend every minute with them, and its rude to text while he's with them (i get this part). But he says that he's never been someone who has felt the need to be in constant communication with people. He has gone days before in previous relationships without talking. Yet while he is here, he texts me on the regular. I told him we don't need to text (both here and while he is away). That a phone call would suffice. However, texts will be initiated by him if i don't. It seems to be when it is convenient for him...texts like crazy while here, and when he's gone the excuse is I can't be rude, i don't like to communicate when I am busy/ with people/ doing something.
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Yeah Ive tried to talk to him about it. He justifies it by saying he's away and misses friends. He wants to spend every minute with them, and its rude to text while he's with them (i get this part). But he says that he's never been someone who has felt the need to be in constant communication with people. He has gone days before in previous relationships without talking. Yet while he is here, he texts me on the regular. I told him we don't need to text (both here and while he is away). That a phone call would suffice. However, texts will be initiated by him if i don't. --- **It seems to be when it is convenient for him...texts like crazy while here, and when he's gone the excuse is I can't be rude, i don't like to communicate when I am busy/ with people/ doing something. Well, it seems like *you* are allowing *him* to call the shots and run the show. May I ask why? Tell him his attitude is unfair, and that you need to be with your friends on occasion too, and that he needs to start making new friends there.
mikeylo Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Do his friends / family follow him even to the bathrooms ? Do they all sleep together in one bed ? It takes few seconds to send a text. A call could be a minute or two long. 2
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